Adult SD's have turned my kids against me
Hi everyone. So my worst fears have come true. I have two DD's 12 and 14, with my husband. My husband has 3 older girls, 26, 26 and 30. My SK's have hated me for a long time. My DH had full custody, I met him when they were 8,8 and13 and they lived full time with us, as their own Mum walked out years earlier. The 13yo turned against me 2 years in and it has all been downhill since then. Fast forward 15 years. My girls love and look up to the Skids. They Skids love them and dote on them. The Skids have a life long vendetta against me, I think cos I took their Dad's attention from them, or so they percieve. The Skids say awful things about me to my kids and husband and to my face, such as I should kill myself, I should have my kids taken away from me. Since those last comments, I no longer see them. But my two girls who I love with all my heart, now say they hate me and don't want me around. They say these are their feelings and not coming from the Skids, but they cannot give a single example of why they feel this way and they use the exact words that the Skids have used such as saying that I am manipulative. I feel like the Skids have ruined my life and taken my kids from me. I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do! Will my kids grow up and eventually realise that I was a good mum to them?
I cannot stop my kids from seeing the Skids as my kids would hate me even more if I stopped that, they are close. My DH has spoken to the Skids many times about it but they dont care. He has also spoken to our girls about it but to no avail.
The twist is, that we move overseas in 3 months, for 3 to 4 years (me, DH and DD's). We will be back twice a year to visit. I think it will be positive that my DD's do not see the SKids as much after this. But I am certain the Skids will keep texting and calling them and saying awful things about me and trying to continue the hate against me. They honestly seem obessed about it. It is now like all 5 girls against me.
Any advice? What can I do to help my kids see through this and base their feelings on the relationship they actually have with me. I think a bit of it is teen angst eg retaliating against me when I enforce rules etc. But it is being fed 1,000 times over by the older girls making me out to be an awful person.
Help!! I can't believe this has happened and feel so defeated. These Skids have ruined my life. Honestly if I could go back in time,without question, I would not have married their Dad, as all the grief and hell has not been worth it.
Also just to add, does anyone
Also just to add, does anyone think family counselling would be worth it? I would do it if it would help. But I am certain they would just see it as an opportunity to slam me, want me to apologise for all the things they think I have done (they have already stated this) and then would continue to hate me. I can't see any good coming of it, but I am desperate. Also I hate them so much now after everything they have done to me, I am not sure that I could genuinely try to build a relationship with them.
Counseling--you and your bio
Counseling--you and your bio-kids, with husband at times. Oh yes!
Good idea
Yeah I think this is a good idea. Maybe leave the Skids out of it and just try to focus on my relationship with my girls. Thank you.
Forget family therapy
You need to go to therapy for yourself. You are being bruised and battered by these toxic people.
Like so many women here you have a DH problem, not a kid problem. Your DH should be protecting you and your children from his toxic ADULT daughters. If he won't do that then you need to leave his sorry ass.
YOU have value and deserve love and respect. You need to figure out how you ended up being treated this way?
My advice, if your DH won't step-up and be a leader then make a plan and build the strength to leave. Your children will not learn how to have healthy relationships by the example you are setting.
Your children may hate you for a time, or a long time, considering damage done and the challenging age, but if you are consistent and continue to show up as a great parent for them, they will eventually see the truth and come back to you. But you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can even start to be a better example for them. Showing your children that you can be treated like sh*t in your own home is NOT showing them how to have self-respect.
This is exactly why I never encouraged a relationship between step-diablas and my own bios. Step diablas are a terrible influence. They are so rude and snotty with DH. I let him parent his diabla children and disengaged so that I am not a part of that hot mess. I made sure that I talked to my daughter about how their behavior is TOTALLY unacceptable and I sure am happy that she doesn't behave that way. Just the little bit of time that my bio was around them was bad enough. It is tough because preteen girls very much look up to older girls and young women. After exposure to Sdiablas my BD did pick up on some snarkiness which I quickly worked to extinguish. Fortunately the influence was minimal enough, it had no lasting impression.
My DH does do his best and is
My DH does do his best and is very clear to them that their behaviour is unacceptable and he shuts it down when they are speaking to him about me or if he is present when they say things to my girls. But generally they do not do it when he is around. I'm really not sure if there is much else he can do. He's stuck in the middle and does try and always back me. The Skids are just venemous. He sees them less now due to their awful behaviour.
Thank you for this comment: "if you are consistent and continue to show up as a great parent for them, they will eventually see the truth and come back to you." I really, really hope this is how it pans out. We move overseas in 3 months so the Skids will have less of an impact, I will always be there for my girls, I hope over time they can gain some perspective and I can re-build the relationship with them. I used to be so close to them and especially my 12 year old, I was always her special person, I actually thought the bond was too strong for the Skids to impact, but turns out I was wrong. As you said, she really looks up to them now.
Shame, shame, shame on your
Shame, shame, shame on your husband.
You have a chance here to
You have a chance here to keep your children attached to you. You do that by minimizing their contact with evil. You KNOW they are bad mouthing you to you bios. You excuse this behavior saying you can't stop it. Right there is where you are wrong. You can stop it. Blood does NOT give them a reason to be still involved with your bios. Toxic people do not get access to you bios.
What message are you sending them (bios) by allowing this trashing of their mother to continue?? You need to ask them what purpose it serves the skids by getting them to hate their own mother?
I believe they are jealous of them because they have their mother around and that's just not fair! (Insert temper tantrum). So to even the field, they are out to destroy you. You need to come down hard on DH about this. Throwing up your hands and excusing it as "they're adults what can I do" is not acceptable. You have a really F'd up situation on your hands.
Yep, SD's should be blocked
Yep, SD's should be blocked and deleted from your bios phones and email.
Frankly, bio kids who have their half or step siblings
Trashtalking their bio parent should have made them say to themselves, I don't like these half/step siblings.
even my 6&7 yr olds have nothing to do with their half sisters. I never sugarcoated things for my kids, i gave them facts. They realised they have a brother that looks different to them and I explained he had a different mummy and same dad as them & he has 2 sisters that made it clear they hate me and our kids from existing in daddys life.
My inlaws play into the fake pretend everything is all right and sugarcoat things but anybody trashtalking your very present parent who works their arse off to provide for you should alone equip your bio kids to recognise those half/step siblings aren't very nice people to be around.
also your husband should have addressed this behaviour with his daughters many yrs ago that this disrespect and trashtalking ended then and there!! That you are the mother to 2 of his kids and will not raise them with feral behaviour and if those girls wanted to remain disrespectful and not civil, then you wouldn't expose yourselves to them.
in my case, it took a while but my husband assured me early on in our marriage that the toxic cycle of dysfunction ended with skids and upon his divorce. That all that shit wouldn't continue into our household and family unit. When it was affecting us, entering into our household and family unit, i made my husband address it.
that was the hardest thing for him to do but he knew i'd be out the door if he didn't address it and he wasn't interested in a 2nd failed family and broken home over skids that he knows are damaged already but they need to own up to their behaviour instead of makig excuses
Those demon spawns should
Those demon spawns should have never been allowed around your bios! You're living my nightmare. We don't allow SS the Lying Ingrate and his wife the She-Devil any contact with our bios. If they're too toxic for you then they are too toxic for your kids. I will not knowingly allow anyone near them who hate or dislike me or my husband. Why would I want someone around them who despised their mother or father? Recipe for disaster.
Exactly. I remember a story here where sd wanted
To meet her half sister alone but had been actively trying to destroy daddy and stepmum's marriage from day one. Some claimed that the sd had every right to meet her half sibling away from home, but not all agreed. You are one packaged deal, if sd doesn't like it she out of the inner circle.
I haven't met my sd's since late 2018, we are not family and they are not family to my kids. Whenever hubby falls back into fantasy 1 big happy family and sd's love us, i remind him of the fact they called him fake crying and gaslighting him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me when they had ended contact for 5.5 yrs.
i remind hubby how they gave him an ultimatum choose them over us and denigrated us as the new family like we were substandard family members when to my husband and his family we just are family.
ss gets along ok with our kids and my son loves chatting to him about games and stuff. Ss manages his relationship with his sisters away from us. So whenever hubby falls back into sd's are family etc and love us, i remind him of the above and the fact there has been 0 contact for 5 yrs so we are not family that there is no excuse to not pick up the phone and even videocall.
sd's are shitty that we are more pleasant to be around, yet make no attempts to change their behaviour. They learnt dysfunctional biomums way of manipulating and gaslighting to control others and thought hubby would fall into place waiting beck and call for them
reality dawned upon them hubby moved on with his life and they still think the gaslighting and manipulation will work when hubby realized its not a healthy way to live
Honestly i didn't reply to
Honestly i didn't reply to this when i first read it because it's above my pay grade as an anonymous internet poster. But i really do feel for you. SS19 here didn't speak to his BM for years. She abused him by beating him, force-feeding, and forcing him to take cold showers as punishment when he was a young child. SS himself is the one who told me this. The court still wouldn't take away her child support and ordered family reunification therapy. It worked. He is closer with her than ever. Take your kids out of the country and get into therapy. Family therapy and individual. If it can work for this slimy abusing BM, it can work for you. I think your husband's lack of intervention is shameful, too. He is the common denominator in this dysfunctional family.
Take all electronic contact away. Do not see the shit Skids on
your repat visits. In fact, do not come home on your twice a year visits. Take your DDs on great vacations all over the world and build those experiences for YOUR family without the StepSpawn participating.
And plant your own toxic spawn down for a mommy daddy no more bullshit talk letting them know that their sisters are shit and that you and daddy will not tolerate that from your DDs
Get a lawyer and see what your options are for defamation suits against your adult shit Skids. It is time for far more than talks. If your DH won't partner with you in destroying his shit failed family spawn, take it out of his hands and destroy them yourself.
YOU meed to grow some testicular fortitude in ending the toxic Skids and their crap. Since your DH has no balls and continuously fails to get his toxic Kidult shit spawn under control. Your DH is truly pathetic and it is sad that you polluted your own gene pool with him. I am sorry for your kids.
If you will not save yourself from your shit Step Daughters, at least save your own daughters.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Get yourself into therapy NOW. Like today. Read and reread your post and the comments. Read around here as much as you can.
As they say, you need your own oxygen mask and to save the YOU, then THEM.
It is perfectly acceptable as a parent to limit contact with SD's. You are parenting, you are not their BFF. They will forgive you. You are fighting for them.
Additionally, get yourself to a lawyer. See what your options and rights are. You are BM, you have all rights.
Start your documentation process today. Date and quotes of everything that has occurred that you can remember.
((hugs)) Im so sorry this is happening. Keep us posted.
And I agree - its mainly your husband that is the issue. His kids his flying toxic monkees.
Are they married with grands they can use? Hopefully not.
Good luck on your move. Therapy will be a game changer for you and your kiddos.
You Can Change This
Moving - great! New Phones and blocked numbers, blocked emails to the spawn - no access whatsoever! No visits, no giving them the new address. Sounds like hubby is afraid of actually disengaging. I'd tell them that the hatred goes both ways and to never, ever contact you or YOUR children ever again. Some time you just have to stand up for yourself. It's your life and how you want to live it is your choice. Counseling will also help once you move. Toxicity you do not need. Play some hard ball!
I concur
please seek counseling. The skids are so evil and vile and destructive. I'm glad to hear you're moving away from them and agree that all electronic communication between your bio kids and the skids need to stop immediately. I pray you find a wonderful counselor that will help you sort out your emotions and help you navigate these hideous skids.
I'm in the same boat except
I'm in the same boat except it's a dysfunctional family of origin who has been working on my kids for years. It took awhile but all of a sudden both my daughters turned on me. It's been clear for some time that my nephew, daughter and SIL have bought the family line that I, alone, can be treated like a relacitrant child, reprimanded and scolded and spoken down to, even by my younger siblings, children and nephews, and when I say No, we're not going to relate like that, they take the family line that I'm 'stubborn' and refuse to listen to reason.
I plan to come back and read your thread carefully. So far, I personally have found no answers except to retain my dignity and politely decline to be treated like that. It means I currently have no relationship with any of my family and now not with my daughter and SIL either.
My default in the situations
My default in the situations you are subjected to by your shallow and polluted gene pool of a family of origin would be total confrontation and destruction. Shred them.
And have fun doing it!
As the only one in your family who escapted that genetic train wreck, congratulations. My DW is you in her family. The only one who is decent, accomplished, mature, etc... The rest, are infantile and toxic. Sadly, they are not capable of even recognizing it.
I tease my wife that she had to have been switched at birth, is a mutant, or an alien implant because there is no way she is of... that mess. Though I will say that they are nowhere close to as ridiculous as you have shared regarding your f.o.o.
Take care of you.
My husband would be in
My husband would be in agreement with you. I've always wondered why of several siblings raised by the same parents, one escapes the dysfunction and others go in deeper.
If I shred them, it will only be reported in the 'family group chat' as how I went off the deep end. Example, my sibling flew into a rage, red-faced screaming at a dinner, & ever-after it was reported by family as 'she just pointed out a few things.' I've learned that in an alcoholic/dysfunctional family, the 'truth' is whatever they say it is. So I live my best life with dignity, stay above the fray, put something into the world, and pray for the day my kids see the difference in how each of us lives.
The good news is that a couple years ago, one of my sons made a comment in disgust about how much gossip there is in the family. I should remember to thank God every day for his in-laws. I think he's seeing a very healthy family there and it's helping him see the dysfunction among his extended relatives and the gossip in their group chats and he was clearly disgusted by it.
So far, my sons have not been sucked into it and I pray that one day they'll lead my daughters out of it.
I truly hope that your boys
I truly hope that your boys continue town the path of enlightenment on the toxic and can get their sisters to extricate their heads from their own asses.
Sadly, Cranio-Rectitis is often incurable because those with it refuse to cure themselves.
Live well. It is the best way to live... and is the best revenge.
Enjoy living your revenge.
You and DH keep doing your best lives together.