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DH handled it this time

Focused_onourlife's picture

OSD27 texted our DD17 and asked her if she think we will let her come to her graduation in December. DD usually come to me only but this time asked us both and we said NO at the same time. First,  SD lives with MIL 600+ miles away and we all know MIL turns the blind eye and deaf ear to OSD's antics, especially when it comes to our kids. Second, OSD didn't even invite our OBS20 who they've been trying to "build a relationship" while she has practically targeted and excluded DD until she wants to use her. I did block SD from DD's phone and told her if she unblock her she will be giving me the phone as she does pay her bill to us but is on our account, until she graduate HS or move out.

DH texted SD.

DH: Do NOT ever call or text MY daughter again. You have never really loved her clearly and all you do is get her hopes up and disappoint and hurt her. And do NOT contact MY son again telling him who DD should be and not be hanging around. WE are her parents and we make decisions over her life until she is an adult. You don't get to pick and choose who in my immediate family you want to like or deal with, you're grown now not a little girl and we're a package deal period.

SD: OMG you are such a deadbeat and hypocrite.  I'm your immediate family too but I guess you forgot that. You claim my mom kept me away from you and now you're doing the same with my own siblings. I just want a relationship with all my siblings no matter who their mom or dad is. Don't ever call me again DH's name.

DH: You are my immediate family, I agree but you chose to cut me out and instead of  building a good relationship with us you chose to pick who you thought you could turn against me and 'focused...' I never wanted to ruin your relationship with you and your mom so I stayed silent but she fuc*** up your psych and made you delusional. Yes I left her because she cheated on me and and tried to use you as leverage to hurt me. I never did anything to hurt you or her and I'm never going to stand by and let you hurt your siblings or any of us for that matter. Why would you think we will let DD's (name) come there with your family all alone with no support and relive the last interaction she had with you without us there? You hate me that much that you would stoop that low? Come correct or don't come at all.

SD: You're #blocked. 

I was proud of DH but I hate this has come to this. DD was so excited coming to tell us she was invited, thinking SD is trying but we realized we have a lot of work to do with her, even though she says "she's done" there is hope there that she thinks SD will change. We kept SD's dysfunction from her, all of them for that matter thinking it was the right thing to do, but have also sheltered them from dysfunction at the same time. I feel like this is going to now end though, well I hope it will at this point. 


still learning's picture

Once SD is 18 there will be nothing you can do. She and her sister will have whatever relationship they choose. There are so many ways for them to communicate besides calling or texting.  They can send each other messages via social media even if they aren't "friends" which I guarantee they are doing.  You DH was pretty harsh to his daughter, calling her messed up and delusional then bringing up old issues between he and BM.  Seems like he was trying to punish BM through her, very unnecessary.  

The bit about oldest sister telling the younger ones who they shouldn't hang around with, well isnt that what a big sister does?  All siblings have drama and fighting. I don't know anyone who got along 100% with a sibling 100% of the time.  It sounds like your DH is breeding more dysfunction into a relationship that could be good.  Remember that they will have eachother when you and DH are gone.  All this drama will be for nothing.  

Focused_onourlife's picture

SD is 27 not 18. Have you read my previous blogs/posts about the history with SD? When she couldn't get to DH through me (I finally disengaged after 16 years of playing Mrs. fix it 3.5 years ago) she tried DH and to no avail went and tried our BK's.  It seems oldest to youngest at this point. To DH defense he took the heat, with me seeing it was BM PAS, thanks to this site, thought he could save her and she was damaged already at 23ish by then. BM always told SD "he moved on and had more kids and forgot about you" when in reality she kept her away and poisoned her mind (DH didn't have the money to fight her back then at SD13 and even then she started letting her come with motives) . Now SD thinks it's okay to brainwash others  (ysd (different BM) and ours) and try to make them believe what she's been taught to believe and they just don't. 

DH want SD back right but he is not going to allow her to come back drama filled. He allowed her BM to fill her head with untrue facts for years, and I told him what was being said because SD, at the time confided in me but he chose to try to undue the lopsided facts thinking she would see the truth by just loving on her and Disney parenting her when BM did allow access and thought she would grow out of it but it got worse. Now he's just presenting her with facts. Do I agree with his way? No not 100 percent, however BM shouldn't get to just tell her lies to OSD,  I mean her story and that just be it.

I have learned with my DH, he's a man of few words but when he does speak we just listen and let him have it.

still learning's picture

I meant once DD is 18... I haven't read your other blogs but as a half sibling I have been in a similar situation.  Once everyone is old enough to have a relationship without parental interference they will do what they want. Your dd will likely see sd behind your back.  

Focused_onourlife's picture

Oh yes I already know DD will talk to SD behind our back because she's wants to believe in SD hence,  I said we sheltered her from the dysfunction for too long. She waited good until DD was on her way to adulthood to be interested in contacting her and being big sisterly. At this point she has a good judge in character as far as her friends or associates but this damn  SD is a master manipulator and hopefully DD is listening to understand.

At first I wanted her to see it for herself so she wouldn't resent me for standing in the way of her and SD relationship but there no in between it seems. SD swooped right in and didn't waste time with her drama and I feel like we have 6 months to help DD learn to deal with and cope socially...

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

She is 27 and he has a right to defend himself with another adult. She may be his daughter but she is also an adult. Unfortunately, it may have been a waste of his time and energy as sometimes it is better to say nothing at all about OP. If her mind is that twisted she will not believe him anyways. He probably would have made a bigger impact being specific as to her own actions over the years that have lead to him to not allow her to have a relationship with DD.

Focused_onourlife's picture

Yes I agree with this. I just don't know how we would change this situation when she's now pretending to yearn for a relationship with our bios or maybe even be genuine and going about it the wrong way. I don't want them hurt. I always let DH know I can handle SD but always fearrd our BK's may have to be protected from her mental issues.