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Wedding - would you go?

Wasted Years's picture

Hi! I have 3 adult skids, who all hate me. The oldest, 30 is getting married in a few weeks. I have been with her Dad since she was 13 and she has hated me ever since the day we got married (but not before!). You would think over the years she would get over it, but she hasn''t! She cannot come up with one reason why she hates me. I tried for many years to build a relationship with all of them.. For years she wouldn't even look at me. I've given up a few years ago and realised we will never have a relationship. 
So for her bridal shower she invited pretty much every female who will be attending the wedding, including my BD's who are 12 and 14. But excluded me. At the wedding I will be excluded from the family photos, won't be permitted to sit in the front row with my DH and BD's and the rest of the family. She will exclude me from everything possible. It will be humiliating. 
Should I go? Should I put it back on her eg text her and ask if she would like me to attend or not and tell her I won't go if she doesn't want me there? (I know already she doesn't want me there). Should I just be 'sick' on the day?
My concern is how it looks to the rest of the family and to my BD's if I'm not there. Should I just do the right thing and not make drama and just go? My DH is ok if I decide not to go, he is aware of how awful the day will be for me.    But at the same time it is a bit upsetting that this is just another thing they would have successfully excluded me from. My BD's are in the wedding and I would miss seeing that. 


JRI's picture

She really sounds like a witch but I'd go to see my daughters walk down the aisle.   I wouldn't have any expectations other than to be treated like any other wedding guest.

I'd make sure I looked my very best.  Help your daughters get ready and enjoy their excitement.  Look at it this way, its only a day, you're going to the wedding of a distant relative and you can model how a mature, adult woman acts for your daughters.

Now, go shopping for a killer outfit and book your hair appointment.

notarelative's picture

You'll get lots of varying feedback on this. My take is that it's time for DH to step in and ask where your shower invitation is. He can either call her out, or pretend ignorance of her intention and ask that another one be sent as he knows she'd never invite her sisters without you (for how would they get there).

As to the wedding day, I went, If SD has you sitting anywhere other than next to him, DH needs to read his daughter the riot act. 

As to pictures, do you really want to be in them anyway? And who will even look at them? If you look at my SD's album, you would never even know I was there (or the paternal grandmother as the only picture of her that day I was in too).

ESMOD's picture

I would put the shower in a category of invitees who would be celebrating the bride and her fortune to marry..  it also would theoretically be a more intimate affair.

The wedding is a case of her being invited with her husband to a social engagement.. they should be seated together.. or in reasonable proximity.  barring OP in some way being someone who would cause a scene... her husband should insist she sit with him and her other children.

But.. the shower?  I think that could be ok for her to not get an invite.. not everyone at the wedding will get an invite to a shower.

notarelative's picture

I agree that not everyone invited to the wedding (thinking plus ones) is at the shower. But, SD invited her sisters (ages 12 and 14). How are they to get there? Is SD arranging their transporation? Does she expect that her dad or SM will drop them off and pick them up? I remember going to my first showers at this age and sitting with my mom -- and her guiding me through the etiquette of these functions. Have the sisters been to showers before and know what to expect?

This is a deliberate cruel slight and the dad needs to call het out on it.

JRI's picture

That's one thing I would insist that DH demand, that you sit by him.

ESMOD's picture

The ideal thing?  DH does the right thing and tell his daughter that she doesn't have to love you but she has to respect the fact that you ARE his wife and you WILL sit together.. if she doesn't want you at the front?  neither will he be at the front.. he will sit in the back with you and your other kids as a family.

Now.. I get it.. if she doesn't want to have you in every pic? fine.. you could be in a couple token pictures.. which she doesn't have to order.. there are ways that can be done in a civil manner.


Rags's picture

Be radiant.  Hit your favorite spa for a complete hair and skin makeover, hit your favorite boutique for a rocking HOT but classy dress, get those amazing couture shoes, and beam your happiness.

Rub her nose in the stench of her behavioral shit by being present, front, and center. Sit next to your DH and with your family. Get there early and do not move from your DH's side no matter what anyone says or does.

Be ready with the syrupy yet pointed "Well bless your sweet little heart!" comment and wilting looks if and when she pulls her likely crap.  If she chooses to be toxic, that is on her. Give a happy laugh and comment "My dear, I know how stressful weddings can be. I remember clearly how nasty you were at our wedding when your dad and I married. Rest assured, I will not act at all like you did at my wedding. Now go enjoy yourself while I dance with my DH and we enjoy our kids."

Let your radiance shine. It will force the toxic people to run for the dark corners like cockroaches scurry for the shadows when a bright light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room.  Be the light, the roaches will scurry.  Including your SD.

Do not let this toxic POS failed family spawn in any way separate you from your DH and YOUR family.  Not even for her wedding.

She can deal with her own shit and you, DH, and your DD's can enjoy the event together.  You may not be actively included in the family pics, but for damned sure you will be in any number of the random pics.  

For the rest of her likely very short marriage, toxic SD will know full well that you were radiantly present whether she likes it or not.




ndc's picture

What is wrong with your husband? Why is he allowing his daughter to exclude and disrespect you like this?

Spouses sit together at weddings.  If your SD won't allow you to sit in the front row, your husband should turn around after escorting his daughter down the aisle and walk back to where you're sitting so he can join you.  Similarly, he needs to sit with you at the reception.  I wouldn't care about pictures, frankly - that seems like a battle not worth fighting.  Of course, no photo from which you're excluded should ever be displayed in your home.  And I certainly wouldn't care about the shower (I hate showers, and refused to have one myself for either wedding or baby), although I'd make it clear to DH's relatives that you weren't invited, lest they think you're slighting SD by not attending.

Is your husband paying for any of this wedding?  If so, I really don't understand why he's not putting his foot down and insisting that you be treated respectfully and as his wife.  I would certainly discuss with your husband in advance your expectations with respect to seating and being treated as his wife at the wedding.

CLove's picture

Im in the Go to the wedding and SHOW them how you shine and look what they dont get to have in their paltry petty lives.

And then after the wedding, disengagement is your friend. Gifts and holidays and stuff for any grands, are no longer your problem. DH can deal with all of it because he hasnt called out SDs on their crap behavior and flagrant disrespect of his life partner.

Nows a great time to review wills and joint assetts as well as inheritance money disbursals.

Ispofacto's picture

At the wedding I will be excluded from the family photos, won't be permitted to sit in the front row with my DH and BD's and the rest of the family.

How do you know this?  ^

Is DH paying for part of this wedding?

Do your DDs know about the wedding, and if so, how do they feel about it? How do they feel about SD, and how does she treat them?


1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

I wouldnt go and just send off my daughters and their father. Going and being treated like a second class citizen who cant even sit with their kids or spouse is beneath you. The exclusion is more disrespectful than not being invited.

I could understand that she doesnt want to interact with you or have you in pics, but not sit with your spouse and children and sit at the back during the function!? No way. Let them go enjoy their time and you can stay at home and enjoy yours. If you are asked why, just respond that you dont want to come and you have no reason to participate in a celebration for a person thats not related to you but thanks for the invite/effort


Russell1981's picture

I am taking a different approach with my remaining two SDs and have my reasons so my advice will be a different perspective.

I will not attend another event with my SDs and my wife's ex-husband's family. There is no reason for me to subject myself to people who have tried to destroy my family. If my SDs try to request one of my children to be involved in the wedding then they will be greeted with crickets. If they were that bold to even try, then my wife would tell them they need to ask me personally which they will never have the guts to do. If they did then it would be a hard no. You don't get to disrespect me and then get access to my children. I don't take up residence in this weird generation's TikTok crazy town where they can do or say whatever they want and there are no consequences. 

Your situation is different because you have a weak husband. At this point, there is no reason for you to be left out. From what I am reading this is beyond being a brat and is now cruel. She invites your two daughters but not you to the shower? In what world is it okay or understandable to disrespect you in front of your two daughters like that?

I understand everyone telling you to go, but if your husband is going to be indifferent towards his daughter and allow her to treat you like this at her wedding and reception, then I don't know what you can do. You can go and force your way in and sit with your husband as others have said, but if he is not going to stand up for you then all that happens is a scene.

you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. He HAS to do something with this one.

strugglingSM's picture

I wouldn't go and probably wouldn't allow my children to go either. I'd let me DH go alone and sit alone at the wedding for his daughter who he has allowed to be a complete brat for years. No need for her sisters to be a witness to that. 

I'm preparing not to go to life events for my skids. We tolerate one another, but BM has attacked me since DH and I got engaged, even when I do nothing, so I don't plan to be there. DH's family always took BM at her word and assumed I was silently evil (because they would have seen no evidence other than what BM told them, because she was lying), so I don't really care what they think of me not going. Not sure if I'll send my children or not. Right now, they don't really have a relationship with Skids because 1 doesn't come around anymore and the other one doesn't interact with either child when he's here. 

shamds's picture

Because i wouldn't be ok with my mum being renegaded to the far back like she was my daddys whore mistress to be shamed upon. Its not respectful and very petty. No doubt if sd biomum has remarried or been in a relationship, her man wouldn't be treated like you.

its time your husband grows some ball and steps in and tells his daughter that he will not stand for this level of disrespect. Marriage and wedding etiquette is you sit with your spouse/partner 

shamds's picture

Because i wouldn't be ok with my mum being renegaded to the far back like she was my daddys whore mistress to be shamed upon. Its not respectful and very petty. No doubt if sd biomum has remarried or been in a relationship, her man wouldn't be treated like you.

its time your husband grows some ball and steps in and tells his daughter that he will not stand for this level of disrespect. Marriage and wedding etiquette is you sit with your spouse/partner 

Winterglow's picture

"My DH is ok if I decide not to go"

Well, that's big of him, isn't it. How about he steps in with a pre-emptive strike and informs his daughter on how things will play out at her wedding and how she will respect his wife. It's about time he did something husband-like, don't you think?

shamds's picture

This behaviour which clearly he had refused to address for far too long. Plenty of men behave the same and when wife speaks up, its the classic why you so hormonal, its not as bad as you say it is. 

The only way op will succeed here is when her husband fears upsetting her more than his feral behaving sd. 

my husbands family are quite blended including siblings. Some aren't in contact with ex spouses because kids are adult and they've remarried but when those kids marry or even when we did, exspouses are invited because they haven't been batshit crazy to our family. Exspouses won't take pics together but will with their kids and bride and groom 

if sd wants to start off married life not uniting 2 families together but with petty animosity, that sets the stage for her future relationship. Its rarely gonna succeed

Kloewent's picture

I am with Rags. Go to the wedding. Look wonderful and be syrupy sweet. If you aren't at a table with your husband switch the cards, or just keep saying they need to bring another chair. Dance your ass off and when you get home take off those painful shoes and laugh thinking how much they are all bitching and moaning because you wouldn't accept the second class status they tried to force on you! Extra credit, get a dress a similar color to BM, but young and sexy. MOTB outfits are usually pretty dull, she will be livid. 
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Winterglow's picture

My mother went to my brothers wedding with the witch's daughter dressed in scarlet. MOB was in pastel blue that made her look anaemic.

Rags's picture

dress. Coincidentally it was the same designer my SIL (Niece's mom) wore though my SIL's was a blush pink and it too was stunning.  Everyone was asking my niece and her DH who the lady in THE red dress was and commented on her shoes as well.   

My DW wore the same dress to her HS BFFs third wedding two weekends ago. The wedding colors were black and RED.  DW was stalked by everyone at the wedding. Men, women, children. Her BFF was thrilled that we were there and high fived my DW for rocking the RED!!!!  Same dress, 2yrs later and 30Lbs lighter. I was lucky to get DW home and that she was not kidnapped.

She is incredibly stunning.


IMHO weddings are celebrations and the guests should dress classily & to the 9s, behave classily, celebrate the newly weds and anyone who would take exception, well, they can F-off.

It is all even better when a manipulative toxic entilded StepSpawn is trying to keep a SP marginalized and the SP rocks it.


Wasted Years's picture

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for your comments and support! I read all your comments and thought about it a lot and decided I would go anyway and try to enjoy the day as best I could with my daughters and husband. THEN my SD told my husband that she didn't want me there, I wasn't invited and having me there would ruin her day. So I'm not going and my husband expressed extreme disappointment to her about this but accepted it. He says he is stuck in a hard place as he can't refuse to go to his own daughters wedding. I do understand this. If he made a big fuss she most likely would have conceded that I could go, but then I wouldn't have gone anyway under those circumstances. Honestly she is such a B**ch, all this is so unwarranted, I've literally never done a thing to her. Anyone I know you guys get it, it is just unbelievable. I will be disengaging from her from now on.

JRI's picture

Horrible.  But look on the bright side, you are totally off the hook for future gifts, "celebrations", birthdays, and all the rest.  Bye bye, SD.

Wasted Years's picture

Yes that is what I was thinking too. I will never again attend any of her birthdays or any other event related to her. It was always miserable anyway, whilst they took photos with all the family and excluded me from them. She's dead to me now! And it's her loss. I'd rather not associate with people like her anyway!


Winterglow's picture

I disagree that he can't refuse to go to his daughter's wedding, especially because she's disrespecting his wife. I also don't think he needs to make a big fuss about it - a simple statement lettng her know that if you're not invited, he won't be going. The shame is on her if he isn't there.

However, as that's not what is happening, enjoy your time off Smile And please refuse to send any contribution to the festivities, whether it be money or gift, from you! If they don't want your presence, they don't get anything from you.


Winterglow's picture

Let you r husband know that if anyone asks why you are not there that he is to tell the truth - that you weren't invited. Such rudeness should not be sugar-coated. Let his daughter deal with the explanations and embarrassment! 

Wasted Years's picture

I think this is important too. When I asked him what he would say when people ask why I am not there, he said he would say 'because they don't get along', which implies that I am at fault, given she is the 'child' (well she's 30!) and I am the adult, it will be percieved as being my fault. I asked him to say 'because she never accepted our marriage and didn't invite her'. Which he said he will say and I hope he does. 

Winterglow's picture

If he can't bring himself to say that, I would be beyond disappointed in him. Let her reap what she's sowed.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I don't know that I'd be too pleased about them attending without you there.  They are certainly old enough at 12 and 14 to know that their half sister is being a b*tich if it is explained in an age appropriate way.

I know I'd never be in someone's wedding party if my monther was being treated badly by them.

Wasted Years's picture

My daughters are still going. The problem is that they are actually really close to the SD's. The SD's have always doted on them and showered them with love so they do want to be there. They are aware that I have not been invited to the wedding but I think this seems nornal to them as they have grown up seeing the SD's exclude me from things.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Id tell your daughters how this isnt "normal" at all. That discluding one family member is abuse. Unless that family member is a crazy psychopath, which you arent.

Do you really want your daughters to think disclusion of their mom is ok. Shouldnt family stick together when a wrong is occurred.

Just my thoughts


Rags's picture

daugther that if his wife is not invited, he will not attend unless her fiance is not invited.

Put it on her in that logic. Would the bride exclude her groom?  Nope. 

Also, DH needs to give his nasty bitch of a daughter the bill for the wedding and tell her ne wants it paid in full before the wedding date.

That your DH has no balls is nauseating to me.


Wasted Years's picture

"unless her fiance is not invited". I love it.

DH has actually declined to pay for any of the wedding, except for a small monetary gift far less than what he would have contributed otherwise. So her psycho attitude has cost her a lot of money!

Winterglow's picture

And what could SD do about it? I doubt she'd drop the mask and demand that you leave in front of her new ILs and all her guests. 



harmony98's picture

This is so out of order.  If you are not going your husband should not go. It is so dissrespectful.

BobbyDazzler's picture

Has your DH told her to get over her crap??? If my kids treated my DH like that, I'd have a lot to say about it. Your husband needs to step in and tell her to stop being such a bitch and needs to start showing you respect .

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Wow...Im shocked at the update but not surprised. Your daughters shouldnt be going to someones wedding who is so disrespectful to their mother

Your husband just shrugs and says ok....does not address anything nor apologizes...thats a tough pill to swallow for me but you may be more understanding of his situation....i am not

Rumplestiltskin's picture

He sounds like a d-bag who just shrugs and says "idk why the ladies in my life always fight over me - must be because i'm so cool....derp derp derp." 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Probably one of those who puts all of this in a box called "women drama" and if they love him, they will learn to get along *boredom*

MirandaT's picture

I'm kind of in a similar situation. SD is getting married and she did not invite me or my oldest daughter to her bridal shower. She only invited my youngest who is in the bridal party. Honestly, Im fine with not going to the Bridal party because her mother will be there and I do not care for her due to all the disrepect and things she has done to ruin my relationship/marriage. My daughter though have never done anything and she's been trying to be inclusive and engage to feel like family.  I really don't want to go the wedding and my oldest probably will not go. My other daughter who is in the bridal party really do not want to participate because of these actions.  It was disappointing at first because she was one of my bridesmaid and gave her alot of lovely gifts and a from the heart note thanking her for being a part of my special day. Due to her mother now being in the picture, she has changed. My daughter and I offered to help with the wedding and created her a nice Wedding planning book with all the information that was needed. Needless to say that was a waste and she was not appreciative.  It's sad because I was there the many times her mother treated her bad and I stepped up helping her with things and hanging out with her.  I definitely understand how you feel. 

Wasted Years's picture

That is so nasty of your SD to invite one of your daughters and not the other. What a cow.

It is hurtful when you put a lot in when they were younger, like you did with having her in your own wedding, offering to help etc. You sound like you have been really lovely to her, which she clearly doesn't deserve. I put a lot into my SD's when they were young. It was all a total waste of time. 

Winterglow's picture

"My other daughter who is in the bridal party really do not want to participate"

Please tell her that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. From where I'm sitting, it looks as if she's been included to ensure a financial contribution t(from you, of course) o the wedding and she chose the younger of the two to ensure the minimal of interference. Pure manipulation.

Bonus Mom 1981's picture

Why is your DH allowing her to disrespect you & exclude you like that? You are his wife, you should be there with him & sit with him up front.  I would go if i were you & sit with your DH. Or insist on having your kids to stay at home with you.  When my SD called to tell my DH about details about her upcoming high school graduation, she told him she did not want me & our 2 kids to come, she wanted him to come alone. She also told him that we (my kids & me) were not her family, he was. My DH stood up for me that day & told her if she was going to be that way about it that he was not coming either.  She just side "fine, it's your loss" And he didn't go. But it was really her loss. She done that to herself. 

Throwaway2023's picture

As someone who was severely mistreated at SDs wedding you dodged a bullet. It felt like SD and BM went out of their way to embarrass me and remind me that I have no place there. Why isn't your husband more upset about how you are being treated?

Mominit's picture

If one of our kids had the temerity to disrespect our marriage by insisting ONLY the bio parent went to an event, they could be very assured that neither of us would be there.  Especially a wedding.  A wedding is about joining two people as a family.  If you can't respect that a marriage now means two are one, then I have no need to respect the "marriage" that is being conducted.  Just as DH would never invite his child and dis-invite their spouse, he would certainly never go to a wedding if his spouse was not invited.  It's disrespectful of marriage - theirs and ours.

The children - I have no beef.  I raised my kids to have their own lives, own friends, own choices.  If they grew up close I'd have no issue with them going to their "friend's" (or other family's) wedding.  I just would no longer consider it part of my family, so it wouldn't bother me.

Stepdrama2020's picture

All of this shines a light on the SD's bitterness. Instead of trying to build bridges in the family she continues to burn them. She doesnt want peace, she doesnt want harmony. The OP was willing to go to show support and that was shot down. SD wanted conflict to not have her there.

That being said Its good that OP isnt going. However DH in this situation shouldve fought for his wife and not go. Yes its his daughter, a disrespectful one at that, to him and the OP. What a passive aggressive B move on her part. Invite big daddio and the OP'S  daughters but not her.

May torential rains pour down  on her wedding day.


Mominit's picture

And I agree!  May torential rains pour down on her wedding day.  

kjUofM99's picture

I had to make this exact choice today.  I choose not to be in an enviroment where I am not welcome.  I'm not doing fake anything and I don't care what excuses my DH feels he needs to make for me not attending:  he lies about everything anyway. Anyone who knows the history knows why I will not be there.