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Hate living with SS

EveryoneLies's picture

SS14 just started high school today. Of course everyone has to wake up becuse now he's up. (he's loud) I am at the point where my patience is non existant, and I really hate living like this in my own home.

Everything needs to be spelled out because little sh*t enjoys finding loopholes. (But yeah, he has the balls to show the attitude being the offender)

Absolute zero problem solving skills. Anything happens he just sits there waiting for resecue, even if he's the one causing the issue. However he likes to think himself as the "big brother" and order around DD, even when in reality DD has been the one to help him deal with so many things.

Doesn't put in effort in anything. He lives in a separate reality, in his mind "studying" means "going through 3 subjects in 1.5 hours" and now he needs 3 hours of "break." Boy still has full confidence that he's getting into college no problem despite being a C/D student. It's also funny any effort he puts in he said he did it for us (!). I'm totally fine with him not going into college, but don't say you are studying for me. (I have enough degrees that I totally don't need him to go to the college for me. if anything, i wish he can leave this household for me)

Lies, lies, and more lies. Little sh*t lies about everything. Boy has to be right all the time, cannot every be wrong. He doesn't admit when he doesn't know things, or if he does anything wrong (because, how can he be wrong?), and he makes up stories to blame everyone but himself. In his logi if he didn't "intend" to do something then he definitely didn't "do" it. (for example, if he accidentally break sh*t, because it's not intended, it is not him who did it.) He being the dishonest one all the time but of course also has the balls to blame us not trusting him lol.

Eavesdropping. Gosh. I hate this. So freaking much.

I don't even want to add his mansplaining here. This is just hilarious.

I'm so angry that I have live with this person. I hate that we always have to find the alternative explantion of his shitty behavior (aka, he's autistic). I don't freaking believe people can't change, I just don't see him doing anything to help himself or anyone, yet keeps expecting everyone to drop everything to help him all the time. 

DH and I are equaly tired of deal with him. I 100% envy BM doesn't even need to see his sorry face. I hate how spiteful I have become. I hate feeling so fake putting up a pretty family picture because almost no one outside of the family can take the truth that he's such a PITA to live with. I hate that I'm going to say sorry becuase I truly still feel feel horrible saying crap about a 14 years old. 

I am so angry.




CLove's picture

And get nanny cams.

Your SS has parents and you arent it.

BUt you also need to facilitate some type of independance unless you either want a divorce or want to live with this miserable person.

Why oh why is he with you full time? Isnt there a custody schedule so you at least get a break?

Where is your husband in all this?

EveryoneLies's picture

DH has full custody and BM decided she can just fade out.

BM hasn't called/emailed to ask about her son even once since May last year. SS hasn't seen/heard his mom for over two years. (Last time we heard from her was May 2020, via email saying she's sending SS bday gift - she never did lol)

Speaking of indepence I guess that's where DH and I differ - or to be honest, I don't know where he stands in this. This is probably the only thing DH keeps flip-floping. We both agree SS has so many skills to learn, but DH thinks everything will be fine, and I think SS will never launch. Sometimes I think because thinking of SS is just painful for him he choose to avoid thinking about SS. 

I don't know how things will be "fine" if we do nothing. SS has no friend so it's not like he can learn from peers. DH is a good father and husband but I don't think he really understand how much this stress me.  (or perhaps it's me who don't understand him)

Dogmom1321's picture

The fact that BM is totally out of the picture, and this is ALL on DH would give me crippling anxiety. The probability of him not launching is very real. Have you and DH agreed on an action plan when he turns 18?

EveryoneLies's picture

I was naive and didn't know things can get this bad. I have full custody of my daughter so I thought it would be fine. I don't think we can ever talk about a plan. When DH is in a good mood we cannot talk about SS because that will ruin the mood, and of course it will not be the right time when DH is already frustrated with his son. 

I don't know if this will change, but today I totally despise SS's existance. I am so angry and sad I can't even cry. ha.  

JRI's picture

May I suggest that when you discuss SS with DH that you take the attitude that you are concerned, rather than listing his faults.  In actuality, there is something to be concerned about when a 14yo's mother has abandoned him.  So perhaps, if you lead with your empathy for SS ( I know, but fake it), perhaps DH will be a little more open to talking about it.

Your DH has to be concerned, he probably sees what a little sh+t SS is but feels like he has to defend him.  Perhaps think about the most critical skill SS needs to learn and start talking about that rather than tackling all his issues at once.

Your SS reminds me a little of YSS54.  Like you, he and I just didn't mesh, like your SS he thought he knew everything and always had to have the last word.  My DH defended him to the nth degree, I finally disengaged and let him handle it all.  Like your SD, mine had grandiose plans despite minimal grades.  Another similarity, BM kind of abandoned him, too, she didn't move away but seldom had contact.  Just recently, I learned that he asked to move back with her in his teens but her new husband said no.


EveryoneLies's picture

I don't think SS gives a f about anyone is the thing. His mother hasn't thought about him but neither has he. I feel he only prefer to stay with us (if you ask him to choose) because we are in better shape financially. Way better than his mom. 

mom is also a pair. Like mother like son? 

DH has seen how his son talks to me, corrected each time but little sh*t still does it. I don't have proof but I think he also blame me for being corrected by his dad. Funny though, because I don't yell, SS would come to me for stuff when he thinks dad is going to be pissed. 

We had (so long ago) talked about SS's attitude and how this will impact him when one day he's to be released into the wild (aka real world). But really, neither of us know what to do. Therapy for the boy? Already going on for years (and therapist thought SS is wonderful haha). Although BM is piece of work, her son is indeed hard to like.. I guess I feel her? Because if I get to choose I would choose not to see him also. 

Did I read this right? Your ss is 54 and still wanted to move back to mom? I'm glad the husband said no. I don't know if I will be able to say no

i hope I don't appear like I refuse to change. I'm feeling really down today.

JRI's picture

I felt kind of hopeless, too.  As I said, I disengaged ( before even knowing the word) in desperation.  YSS kind of ran feral there for awhile.  He and I just have personalities that dont mesh.  Its a shame because I think I could have taught him some things but hed never listen to me.  The odd thing was that if I did even slightly correct him, he'd tear up, even as a big, strong teenager.

He was in his late teens when he asked to live with BM and her husband, Clueless.  I think BM would have gone for it but Clueless was a local elected official and was afraid YSS's pot smoking would reflect badly on him.  YSS never forgave him.

YSS, even with his crappy grades, got an athletic scholarship but I knew he'd never make it.  He was back home before Christmas.  He worked various jobs for several years.  Eventually, he got into sales and does well, he's witty and has a good personality (unless you are a family member). I dont know the details but I'm pretty sure his poor judgement has led to his separation from his wife and some legal problems.  But he's a good dad to his 3 daughters who all worship him.  He kind of keeps us at arm's length, that works for me but he's DH's fave and im sure hed like to be more involved.

EveryoneLies's picture

There are so many similarities, your YSS and my SS. He's only 14 but if we corrected him even slightly he cries in a second (and - this pisses me off although I don't say anything about it). He even cries when he's caught lying. (It's either he cries or he yells. Neither is preferred haha)

It's sad because I think I understand SS more than DH does. There were so many times I bridged their communication gap but I'm never appreciated. I don't want to brag but I'm an excellent teacher. so if he's not such a prick, I truly believe there are so much I can help him. But he's a prick, and now I'm not interested. I probably never will again. 

Your YSS although didnt made it through college, at least is able to be a good father and hold a job. My SS cannot answer simple yes/no questions without giving you an essay. Cannot figure out how to achieve his goal (if he even has one) without step-by-step handholding. He thinks because it's been fine it will always been fine. Perhaps he's right. I don't mind him being right, as long as I don't have to be part of the solution to make him fine.

I know he's only 14. But is it normal for a 14 year old not to know one has to write their own resume? He ask DH how he can "get" one another day. It's not his being naive, but the lack of curiosity and effort that puts me off. I guess similar to you, our personalities (his and mine) just don't mesh.

but regardless of all these, because he read a book about stock market, so he's totally qualified to lecture us now lol

gosh. I really complain a lot today. Thanks for staying with me.

JRI's picture

My YSS knew everything about everything, nobody could tell him anything.  He always had to have the last word.  But, frankly, I don't think he's all that bright.  His wit and personality have taken him a LONG way.   I promise you that at 14, he didnt even know what a resume was, much less how to make one.

YSS is driven by status.  How people look, how they dress, what car they drive, etc.  He's not an unkind person but he's dismissive of people who don't come up to those standards.  He is shallow.  His judgement of people is poor.   I could go on in depth but you get the picture.

I don't know what will happen with your SS but just know that when YSS was 14, I never dreamed he'd be able to function, just couldnt imagine it.  His poor judgement has put him in an unfavorable position that will take a long time to resolve but he keeps plowing along.  

EveryoneLies's picture

This gave me some comfort. I myself is no saint nor a genius, but I sure know a resume should be written by oneself at the age of 14. That or, of course you can pay someone to write it. At least SS is not that unique in this aspect lol 

Maybe SS actually will turn out okay. I don't know, because he really doesn't have the charm your SS has. We can blame autism but the truth is he also doesn't care.

sometimes I question myself whether I became mean just so that I may deter him from thinking that he can always stay with us..

JRI's picture

He probably won't want to stay any more than you want him to.  If he has just entered high school, he has many experiences ahead of him.  People evolve.

EveryoneLies's picture

I really hope so. He 14 but he acts more like an 8. High school kids are cruel perhaps that will help (?) him grow because he might finally realize no one needs gives a crap about him. 

I feel bad about not wanting to say "you can always come back to us" because I so much appreciate when my parents told me this. Not that I actually went back to live with mom and dad (love them dearly but can't really live together haha), but it's good to know someone is there to support me when I need it. 

I don't feel I can ever say that to him because he will probably take it very literally and tell me "but you said..." XD

i sure hope this will change. I hate feeling so wicked myself.