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Karma is a B

Jcksjj's picture

BM just messaged me again asking for an email to send to social services saying SD lives there fulltime so she can get food stamps. I told her she will have to ask DH for that. She messaged him immediately. I could go off on a looooong rant about all the times she's either screwed DH over for money or attempted to. Or all the times she's tried to manipulate both DH and myself into doing favors for her while being a total c*nt in return. But even just given recent events - the fact that she thinks we'd help her out is laughable. If she was disabled or unable to work for some other reason it would be less laughable. But she's not. She's perfectly capable and in our area people are begging for employees for the type of work she does. Not for terrible pay either. And there's not much covid risk working independently.

Friendly reminder BM, you don't need an email from DH or myself to apply for jobs.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Your DH has no formal custody agreement right? Maybe he should tell BM that if she can't afford to feed SD, he'd be happy to go back to the prior arrangement. 

Jcksjj's picture

Correct.

I'm guessing not getting to use her as a meal ticket will speed up the process of her wanting to go back to 50/50. Unless getting to claim her on taxes is enough for her. Or unless she gets the balls to try to go to court too. I think she kinda screwed herself in that area though with the "you don't get to see her and you don't have a choice about it" message after he's been fully involved for nearly 10 years. 

She definitely can actually feed SD though, she's perfectly capable of working. Plus SD gets free lunch and breakfast at school and there's pandemic programs right now giving out free snacks and suppers at the school a block from her house. 

Bottom line - having one 9 year old kid isn't a good enough reason not to work when you're single.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why isn't there a CO? Or some type of formal custody arrangement? It's quite strange that BM makes all decisions on how often dad sees his kid. 

Jcksjj's picture

They were never married and BM begged to stay out of court. So there's never been anything. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

OP, it's time for DH to take the bull by the horns and go to court. Whether he gets a CO to enforce 50/50 or he hands over full custody and some CS, this just needs to be settled. I agree that he shouldn't help BM defraud the system, but I also think he needs to settle this so he can see his daughter 50/50 or pays CS in an amount that is proportional to BM having SD full time. 

Jcksjj's picture

I wish he would have gotten the 50/50 in writing when he had the chance. Idk why he didn't.

thiscantbenormal's picture

I dont think karma is going to swing the direction you're hoping.  My state loves unemployed mothers.  BM here was lying about being unemployed and was not required to prove her income like DH was when he brought proof she had a job.  And she feels entitled to all the low income programs...free phone, reduced rent, free food, free health insurance.   And this is from a person who grew up in a well to do family. She intentionally keeps her income at the poverty level to qualify for benefits.  And the courts don't care. She doesn't have to spend a dime on her kids because literally everyone else does from CS, her parents, her sister, and the taxpayers.

Winterglow's picture

Retirement will eventually swing your bm's way when she reaches retirement age and has no more CS to claim, her parents might be gone and her sister will have had enough of her and what will she have to retire on if she's been at poverty level for all these years?

thiscantbenormal's picture

She will continue to live off SS's disability checks and she will ask again for lifetime support for him.  And the girls have voiced their life goal is to financially support their mom so she never has to pay another bill again.   She should be due a large inheritance from her parents but fingers crossed her sister squanders it away as she herself lives a lifestyle way beyond her own income.

I'd love to witness karma for these type of bms but some people pull an excellent con game and especially when you got your carload "abused by dad" disabled kids with their crocodile tears, there is always some sap that will keep them comfortable.

Winterglow's picture

How old are her daughters? Old enough to be paying their own bills and raising their own children yet? Or young enough to not have had to face life's realities yet?

thiscantbenormal's picture

Nah, they are still kids with no clue about reality or adult responsibilities but their mother burdens them with her adult problems and stunts their growth for independence.  I know they can decide one day to tell their mom to grow up and become a self functioning adult for once in her life but the victim hood is strong and they feel sorry for her.

tog redux's picture

OP said she's in a red state that tightly restricts all of these benefits. 
 

It could lead to BM filing for CS, which honestly, he should be paying if he's not going to enforce the agreement for 50/50. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yes, BM is in a red state that is strict with benefits AND surprisingly is presumed 50/50 custody for unmarried parents. So I'd BM does want anything I'm assuming she would have to go to court. 

Also, we're in a blue state (only 5 min away from BM because on the border) and SD gets medical assistance via our address because income limits are much higher. Plus she goes to school in our district. I would guess those factors all combined waved some red flags at social services. All legit evidence would show that SD lives with us, because up until January that's the way BM wanted it.

tog redux's picture

I would push back on the district too. Let BM know that unless SD returns to 50/50, she needs to go to BM's district in the fall. Most districts won't allow the kid to go to school in the NCP's district anyway. 
 

Same with health insurance if it's something other than DH's employer based insurance. BM doesn't get to keep SD all the time and still benefit illegally from your state's generosity. 

Jcksjj's picture

My thoughts right now are if she doesn't change her mind by next school year, she'll go to school in her district and everything can be officially through BM. She can file for whatever support she wants then.

 

Jcksjj's picture

She does have insurance through his work also, the MA is secondary and the state reimburses us for the kids' portion of DHs work insurance. We still qualify for the assistance for the other kids so no idea how that will work.

lieutenant_dad's picture

THIS sounds like it could be a nightmare for your DH. What do the laws say about a child living out of state full-time with the other parent and medical assistance? Is your DH liable to pay it back if BM pushes this and provides proof that SD has been living with her? 

BM will have a wash when it comes to what she gains and loses in this would be my guess. However, your DH is in a tight spot where he could end up paying back some of these benefits that he has been receiving for SD while SD hasn't been living there. Not sure if that will motivate him to get a CO, but it's worth looking into.

My DH has had to worry about similar. Granted, we haven't had to deal with different states, but differing income levels and one parent requesting assistance makes for a stressful financial time for the more financially secure parent. Courts start looking at CS and benefits, and who has health insurance, etc. While BM may be feeling immediate karma for how she acted, this needs to put your DH on alert, and he needs to start getting his ducks in a row legally.

Jcksjj's picture

I THINK SD can still get insurance through our state and is considered a household member even if she's not here fulltime. Not positive though. But they can require DH to provide health insurance for her through CS and the other kids are getting state insurance so I would think its okay? I'll have to look.

Yes, it is a mess. 

tog redux's picture

If he's not the residential parent, I can't imagine they allow government health insurance for her. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is my assumption. Also, even though BM in my case could get the boys on Medicaid, DH still had to pay for health insurance for them because he didn't qualify for Medicaid and was offered health insurance through his employer. BM still used Medicaid, but DH's insurance had to be billed first. If DH didn't take out insurance and Medicaid caught wind that DH could have, they could come after him for part or all the balance on bills since they didn't HAVE to cover it.

I know that's not the same situation, but insurance is not something to eff with. 

Jcksjj's picture

Yeah I just looked and it does say you need to be a MN resident. So I guess if she goes to school in BMs state in the fall and is officially a resident and staying at BMs permanently she'll get taken off.

tog redux's picture

He should do that before fall - they could make him pay back from now until then if they get wind of it. 

ndc's picture

My skids had Medicaid through their BM until she married the Golden Goose, then they no longer qualified because he has a substantial income. They were able to get on the CHIP program in our state (with a premium) based on our household income, but IIRC we needed to have 50% custody (it might have been 40%, I didn't pay much attention because we have 50/50, but I know it was significant shared custody). 

I would look into it, as you don't want to get stuck repaying the cost of insurance. 

Jcksjj's picture

I'm assuming they found it suspicious because SD goes to school in our state and also gets kids health insurance through our state (our state has much higher income limits for that then BMs). Plus she doesn't have a court order in a state that has presumed 50/50 custody if the parents were never married.

Jcksjj's picture

BMs dads family has made a lifestyle of living solely off the govt and other people. Her dad has been married to 2 women and 3 men. The last poor man was only 22 and fully providing for him. He moves to whatever state they are in, and then when they break up he moves back to his hometown where they have an income based apartment building without work restrictions (pretty unusual to find). Apparently when BM was first with DH, her dad had said he wanted to be a stay at home dad to the cat.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree sometimes.

justmakingthebest's picture

Your husband really needs to get to court. I would write a letter but I would have it say the exact arrangement.:

To Whom It May Concern,

My daughter Sally Smith is supposed to live with her mother 50% of the time and with me the other 50% per our agreement. Of late, BM has been withholding her from my parenting time and therfore now needs food stamps to provide for her. I would be happy to fully provide for her while she is with us but have no control over her mother not being able to fully provide for her while Sally is there.

Thank you,

JcksJJ DH

Jcksjj's picture

Hmm. DH wanted to just send a screenshot of the text from BM saying he doesn't have a choice in her not coming here. This might be a better option.

tog redux's picture

I really would also push BM on the school district and the health insurance. DH could get in trouble for both. 

Jcksjj's picture

School district I know for sure she can stay through the end of the year. Health insurance we'll have to call on. Not sure what makes a kid a resident and if refusing visitation while she's still enrolled in a school in our state is considered changing her actual residency

tog redux's picture

True - except they aren't working to resolve it, BM is saying she won't allow it.