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I'm so confused

Jcksjj's picture

DH called child support today because money had not been taken out of his check and he didn't want to end up with back support. When he called they said BM had called and said she didn't want the cash support and it was only supposed to be for DH covering health insurance- because that's what is required at a minimum by the state since they are getting state health insurance. (So basically DH has primary insurance and the state covers what his insurance does not) What?!? She's turning down money for no reason?! The same person who was in a complete rage over the covid food stamps from the school being sent to our house instead of hers, who spent an entire day arguing about $5 in gas money with DH, who I've seen try to con DH out of 40 bucks here and there when they were doing 50/50, doesn't want child support?! Why would she turn that down, especially when she has such little income herself? DH did not ask for a court date or intend to fight it in any way, so why voluntarily give it up? She has no problem getting state assistance, so it's not a pride thing. I've just never heard of a mom turning down money to help raise their child? Why would she not want a better quality of life for them? She already chooses not work more than 4 hours a week when she easily could, and she doesn't want child support either? 


Ispofacto's picture

He's not the father.

If you ever see SD again, collect some dna.  Do a test.  BM doesn't want to be found out.

She's dumb and doesn't understand the pro BM bias.  She thinks she'll get charged with fraud or something.


Jcksjj's picture

It's so hard to imagine being crazy enough to give someone fake dna results...but it's all so suspicious.

advice.only2's picture

Right?  What BM that has sole custody and the dad never sees the kid doesn't expect thousands of dollars in support a month.

Jcksjj's picture

Especially when she's so low income herself? I actually feel bad that she's intentionally turning it down when she does nothing to provide for SD either.

With my oldest, his dad never actually paid so I didn't expect it (not that it would have been thousands anyway lol) and I was fine without it, but I also never let him off the hook completely either, he just got to choose if he wanted to pay or go to jail. But in this case DH was just going to pay without any fight anyway?! 

Thumper's picture

Ding ding ding ding.

Doesnt matter if the child is biologically 'dads' or not. BM's still want that cs

Jcksjj's picture

I'm not sure what she could do...but it'll be documented officially through child support. 

MissK03's picture

Not that it would be related but maybe ILs convinced her to help their case?? Something is really off with this whole thing.. 

ndc's picture

Has your DH ever paid child support?  If not, maybe she wants to continue the martyrdom narrative of "I'm a single mom doing it all with nothing from deadbeat dad."  How confident is your DH on SD's paternity?

Jcksjj's picture

No he hasnt, he also turned it down when SD was first born. She didn't want the dna test done through child support, and then DH moved in with her. 

Possibly she wants that narrative, but she told people she had her full time back when DH had her half and sometimes more, so it's not like she's above lying about it. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm shocked she is getting assistance without getting CS. My understanding was that, in order to receive benefits, you had to at least have a CS order in place. Doesn't mean it was being paid, but as the CP, you had to at least do your part to get the NCP to do their part. Also, does CS count towards income for benefits? I know CS is sometimes calculated as income and sometimes isn't. 

Is your DH on SD's birth certificate? If not, she may be keeping everything out of court because he really isn't the father and doesn't want that sort of sh*tshow.

If DH is on the BC, my fear would be that BM doesn't try for CS now but comes back when SD is 16 or 17 and demand years of back CS. Depending on the judge, she might get it. She may see this as a long con to get a payday when she loses benefits.

Finally, could she have convinced another man that he is SD's father and he is paying her CS? And if she goes to court about this she is afraid he'll find out and stop paying? Long shot, but it's worth a thought.

Or she may just be lazy or not understand the system. Honestly, if your DH can get an order set up, he may do well to do that. That way he's not stuck in a legal battle in a few years.

Jcksjj's picture

So I guess since she is getting medical assistance, he is required to at least have a child support order for medical only (which since DH has her on his insurance anyway, he jist needs to keep her on it). But she is not getting cash assistance, since that is nearly impossible to get unless you have an infant or are disabled, so she doesn't have to get basic child support. Rental assistance is through a completely different agency, and I'm not sure how the unemployment works, but I think that is also separate. Idk if she is still getting that now since covid help is over.

classyNJ's picture

As Agedout said - put that money in a seperate account.

This happened to my brother in Texas.  The BM of my niece stopped CS and he thought it was due to her remarrying and her new husband was well off.  He only had seen my niece a handful of times and going back and forth to court did not help.

The day after my niece turned 18 my brother received suit papers.  She sued him for $165,000 of unpaid CS and won.  They suspended his business license until it was paid in full.  Thank goodness he had it, but if not, he would have lost his business an everything else.

Jcksjj's picture

That's terrible. She marked on the papers though that she didn't want back support. I was surprised just by that. So at least that is documented.

SeeYouNever's picture

There is definitely something shady going on.

As others have said she would not be eligible for assistance like that if she is not collecting child support. So she is either getting child support from someone else or this will come back to bite her.

It's also a possibility that she has racked up a lot of fees or other bad behavior with her bank and they would either take a good amount of her check or they are refusing to cash checks due to fees or other fraud. This sort of thing is common for people with low income.

I bet if he offered her cash she would take it. The issue is probably the fact that it's coming in the form of a check.


Jcksjj's picture

Hmm I wonder if she would take cash...for whatever reason she just has never wanted it going through child support.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Does give her cash because she can claim she never received the cash and down the road get the money she was paid in cash paid out all over again because there is no paper trail. Need to have some irrefutable documentation that your DH gave BM the cash and she took it

Jcksjj's picture

Oh yeah no way we would just give her cash - we would just buy stuff directly for SD if necessary. I'm just curious because I bet she would gladly take cash.

Thumper's picture

OK,Your dh needs to file something with the courts to get eyes on this.

IF IF IF bm doesnt want child support, dh must go through the courts to get this in a court order.

Never assume anything is just ok.

Do not be confused about this, be proactive. GET  all of this, IT IN A COURT ORDER ONLY.

Jcksjj's picture

So our county is checking with her county that everything is accurate and then that is what the court order will be for. So it all will be legal. This is all being done through a court order, but after she received the papers for the original order, she called the child support office and said it was only supposed to be for health insurance, since the child support amount is divided into one section for Healthcare and one for basic assistance.

At this point I'm thinking her worry is she will have to pay it all back if it comes out he's not the biodad. The only other thing that makes sense is she's afraid he will take her to court for custody, but she wasn't afraid of that when she stopped bringing her here so....