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Delusional DH

Simpleton21's picture

SD came for her visitation last night.  Apparently she has been butting heads with BM all week and earlier in the week told BM to shut up which resulted in BM taking her phone for a week.  SD went into this long drawn out story about what has been going on at BM's house and how she knows that she shouldn't have told her to shut up b/c it was disrespectful but she's had enough of BM and how BM treats her.

I think all of you know that I'm not the biggest fan of SD.  I am also not a fan of BM at all.  Usually I feel like SD is lying but I didn't get that from her story last night.  It seems that SD is actually seeing BMs true colors and knows BM is bat sh!t crazy but they are both so manipulative it is hard telling.  If what SD told us is actually true then I feel sorry for her.  Apparently the bickering between them started because BM asked SD if her and her friends wanted to go to the pool and they didn't want to go.  BM supposedly decided that SD didn't want to go b/c she was to self conscious and started going off about it and asking her "why did we just order a new bathing suit then if you won't wear it b/c you are to worried about your body, why did you have me waste my money?".  The new bathing suit she is referring to hasn't even arrived yet.  According to SD it just continued and escalated from there and even her friends were upset with her mom and uncomfortable with how she was acting.  When one of her friends decided to go home and asked if they could all go over to her house instead BM said that they could go but SD couldn't and told SD "see this is why you can't even keep friends, you make it awkward for them, you're going to chase all your friends away".  The only reason that I slightly believe SD is because I know the wrath of crazy that BM has unleashed on DH and my family. 

SD then continued to talk about how BM is always bad mouthing us (no surprise I already knew she was trying to PAS SD since DH and I started dating).   I guess BM kept telling her that she was so sick of her and couldn't stand her so SD said, "okay so you want me to move to my dad's then??!?" and BM of course said no to that....but also proceeded to tell her how much she would hate living with us and we are terrible people and she doesn't know how we really are and she shelters her from us.  She told her that she's lucky she even sees her dad b/c she could go to court and make it supervised visits only and that SD has no say in who she wants to live with. Of couse all lies and control.  This is the first time that SD has ever opened up and complained about how her mother behaves and manipulates and how mean she is (which of course DH and I already know BM is mean and abusive emotionally/mentally).  I guess she has been body shaming her and telling her if she is so worried about her weight sh should be more active (remember BM has her signed up for every sport under the sun - softball just ended and now she has her signed up for fall ball and field hockey). 

Anyways, long story short, DH is now all excited that he thinks SD has finally seen the light and hates BM and wants to come live with us.  I think maybe SD might be thinking about it but I don't think she would actually want to move schools.  Plus BM would be so triggered and go so crazy if SD said she wanted to live with us and DH actually tried to go for custody.  DH is all excited thinking he will just get custody and BM will have to pay us child support.  I said, "aren't you concerned with how BM will react if we do that?!?! she is already a known liar/manipulator, I wouldn't put it past her to try to get CPS involved and I'm not putting my other kids at risk because of BM.  She has already blamed ODS for many things he did not do and has no problem with treating my kids like villians".  BM has been poisoning SD from the very beginning making her feel like she has to compete with us (me and the boys) instead of embracing being a family. 

I don't know if I should be worried that SD ends up moving in or just ignore it all and watch it blow over.  I know DH desperately wants SD to choose him.  I know that BM is crazy and personality disordered and likely would never let that happen.  I do feel for SD right now if what she is saying is true.  BM is very much like my mom but I recognized the crazy in my mom early on.  When my parents divorced they let us choose who we lived with.  I chose to live with my dad.  My mom is still not over that.  30 years later she is still trying to PAS me from my dad and trash talking him.  Maybe SD is truly over being her mom's manipulation pawn. 


tog redux's picture

Oh no. At 14, my SS had a big fight with BM and wanted to live with us. Even refused to go to BM's for a while. My DH was thrilled. 10k and one custody battle later, SS told the judge that DH and I pressured him and the judge wrote that we tried to alienate him and almost succeeded. 3 months later, he was PAS'd out entirely and we didn't see him for 3 years. 

This is just a symptom of your SD's toxic relationship with her mother. Don't take the bait. 

halo1998's picture

happened to us with SS,.....same thing....he was age 13/14....and now at 18 is PASd and we haven't seen him over a year.  Sit popcorn and watch the show.  In ten minutes SD will back in BM's good graces and all will be forgotten and most likely made to be you Dh's fault.

Simpleton21's picture

Kind of what I was thinking as well.  No way am I forking out 10K for their fight.  I told DH that if SD is serious she won't be flip flopping back and forth and he can go file pro se for custody without an attorney just like I did when I had to get custody of my son.  DH is thrilled also and I'm still very leary.  I just really do feel bad b/c I know that SD is this damaged b/c of BM and BM's manipulation. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, at the time, I was willing, because I felt we could still help SS. It was stupid of us, though - we should have known BM would stop at nothing and would pressure him and bribe him to lie, she'd done it before.


Kitten Whiskers's picture

Mothers and tween/teen daughters butting heads is nothing new.  I have no doubt BM has her own personality or psych issues, but SD is a product of her raising by BOTH parents.  I think SD may be playing both sides of the fence right now - BM v. DH.

I'm also sure your DH would love for SD to live with you since that would mean he "won" the contest.  SD preferred him over BM.  SCORE! in DH's eyes.  Your DH probably has no idea or plan for SD living in your household if he actually did get custody.  The win is what matters.  

Sit back, grab a glass of wine, and watch the manure matinee unfold.  

Simpleton21's picture

Nailed it!  SD is definitely the way she is because of DH and BM.  I don't deny DH's part in her messed upbringing.  I think he is all excited and hopeful over nothing though and I'm not putting my hard earned money into fighting the CO battle. 

It is always all about winning yet he will claim it isn't a competition while competing every single time!

susanm's picture

My sincere advice?  Go lay down somewhere quiet until the urge to become involved passes.  Just keep your head down.  Teenage girls all hate their mother.  And then they love them.  Until they hate them again.  Rinse and repeat.  If your DH doesn't know this then either he has not been paying attention to life in general or he just is deluded because he wants her to move in with him.  But there is a seriously good chance that you will get burned here.  You can either waste money and have her jerk both parents around in a popularity contest or have her actually move in with you and have a teenage girl literally absorb your house.  We had SD move in at 15 due to conflict with BM and it was teenage girl entitlement hell for 4 years.  In the end, even DH admitted that it was a huge mistake and backed me up when I told her to GTFO.

If I could do it all over again, I would have kept my mouth shut and let DH spin his wheels rather than help him work out the new custody.  I would like to go back in time and smack myself upside the head for being "helpful" in the slightest.

tog redux's picture

Me too. If I could change anything, it would be falling for SS saying he wanted to live with us and going back to court. 

Only recently SS (now 20) and Mommy Dearest had another giant fight and he wanted to come live with us - HELL NO.  Of course a month later they were besties again.

This is part of having a narcissistic mother.

Simpleton21's picture

tog, thanks for your advice/input.  I agree that it is part of having a narcissitic mother.  I guess sometimes I have small glimmers of hope because I had a mom just like BM and I really did want to get away from her and I did and I lived with my dad.  SD is a mini BM though.  To much enmeshment. 

My mom is still trash talking my dad 30 years after the divorce!

tog redux's picture

Don't worry, the glimmers of hope go away as they grow up and act more and more like BM. I have zero hope or sympathy for SS now. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

What tog says, times infinity.

It was a huuuge mistake for me to bring YSD into our home. I wish we had just reestablished communication/visitation.

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you.  I was feeling slightly soft and sorry for SD.  You are right I need to disengage again and let this blow over as it will.  Oh and I WILL NOT foot any atty fees/bills for this.  I told DH he could file pro se if he wants but we don't have the money/resources that BM does and it will get ugly if it even happens. 

I appreciate your input.

JRI's picture

We had the same situation with my SD now 58.  After a dramatic fight with volatile BM and a runaway, SD moved in with us at age 15  We were in savior mode, poor SD.  Like many above, we went thru teenage girl hell.  Several months later, SD and DH bumped heads as we started to experience the real SD.  She ran away again.  Later, back to BM while trashing us.  Then another dispute with BM and back again, more chaos. If I had it to do over. I wouldn't have let her move in under those circumstances.  She was avoiding consequences of not getting along with BM, a continuing pattern of not facing consequences.  It's tempting when we know what poor parents these BMs are to take the child's side.  You and I know she'd be trashing mean ole Simpleton21 if the situation were reversed.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

No. Winnable. Solution.

Your SD is a fully grown train wreck. And nothing can change that.

Iamwoman's picture

Don't fall for it!!!

We have been tricked by skids into believing that they are "finally seeing the light" about the Maggot.

It's most likely either a lie or a fleeting feeling. SD's loyalties are to BM. Do not ever question that - even for a second. It will bite you in the rear.

I'm sorry your DH is being delusional.

My DH went through a similar stage with OSS.

The nice thing you might see in your DH, is that since this is the first time SD is pulling this stunt, it will also be the first time she completely turns it around on you two and runs back to BM (this is the bite in the rear).

So your DH will be victim to that, and you will have to watch him ride this emotional roller coaster. When he realizes SD is not "seeing the light," be quick to point out that SD will always be loyal to BM and use the stories here as countless pieces of evidence to that fact. The faster your DH reaches this realization, the faster you two can accept reality and start focusing on you and your marriage.