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It has been a while!

Simpleton21's picture

It has been almost a year since I've been on here.  After my last blog I still thought that I could try to work things out with my DH.  Turns out I just wasted almost another year trying with that Sad I guess I just had to be really sure for our YDS's sake.  The past month with him has been draining and exhuasting but now he is playing the victim and he is ready to leave...I'm assuming because he found some potential new victims to drain.  2 weekends ago he went and met his ex in a parking lot "to talk" of course he didn't tell me this until the following night when he came back wasted from a bar where "he had a great time playing pool with some other woman"...and also "lost his wedding ring"...don't worry he magically found it the next day in his pocket and didn't remember taking it off! Ugh, I am a fool! 

Now I'm just waiting for him to move out and move back in with his mommy.  I am sure she will be thrilled b/c she is always lonely and interferring with our marriage! 

So, I won't really be a step mom anymore but I'll check back in more often.  The sad thing is that my SD who was pretty obnoxious had actually started being really respectful and loving towards me.  Oh well! 

I hope you are all doing great!


SteppedOut's picture

Ugh. I was just wondering how you were doing... I am sorry you wasted your time, but glad you are ready to move forward without his deadass. 

Simpleton21's picture

Thanks, it has been a draining year and my eyes have finally truly opened!  Even after he did those things I was still willing to try if we went to counseling...didn't have much hope but was willing...and he responded with "I don't want to live the rest of my life with you bringing this up!". Um, wow, pretty eye opening when he messed up but he isn't worried about my feelings, just worried about it being brought up "forever".  Douche!

advice.only2's picture

Damn Simpleton I had been missing the stories of SD's newest ailments, but sounds like the ailments have all been your DH. Cheers to losing all that excess baggage in one fell swoop.

Simpleton21's picture

Yep, totally my DH, man baby!  Honestly SD hasn't had any ailments or injuries since we started calling her out and not feeding into it.  She also enjoys softball and field hockey so she didn't need an excuse to sit on the sidelines and get attention that way, I guess!  Dropping the dead weight does make my future seem brighter! Smile

caninelover's picture

And glad you made the choice to lose the toxic DH.  Happier days lay ahead.

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you!  I am sure that I will be happier without the toxic energy bringing me down constantly!

thinkthrice's picture

An anchor!!  Sorry to hear your H had been taking you for granted but he certainly doesn't deserve you.  Consider it life experience!  

Simpleton21's picture

You are right he does not deserve me at all.  That is the only thing that he has proven consistently.  Now, I just need him to move in with his mommy and leave me alone!  I'm sure there are still some struggles ahead until this is finalized but I'm trying to be civil to make it easier.  We'll see! 

CLove's picture

But youve come out the other side. And will be stronger and wiser for that.

Hopefully you might stick around and give other advice on steplife, but understand if you want a stepfree life after this.

I often wonder what I would do if I left. Like how bad to I have to have it to leave. And it sounds like your STBexH is already gone...

Congratualtions on entering the state of "meh"

Simpleton21's picture

Thanks CLove. 

I'll still check in here.  I'm not planning on getting married or having more step children ever in my life though Wink LOL!

Thankfully, the leaving will impact him more.  My dad owns the house we are in and basically everything is mine and he can't take much since he is moving back in with mommy!  He is already gone but acting manipulative and blaming it on me and acting like I'm the one out weighing my options.  It is pathetic honestly.  He acts like I need a man to survive or something...I do not! 

I'm def in the state of "meh" lets get this over with!

thinkthrice's picture

from time to time as your experience as a SM is invaluable for any N00bs that join here!

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you!  I am staying positive and focusing on work and my kids and myself!  I know I got this!!!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

While it is unforunate that it did not work out after another year of trying to work things out with DH at least you can say that you REALLY tried to make the marriage work. It doesn't really make anything any better, but it is better than not knowing or thinking "what if?"

DH and I just had a conversation about taken off wedding rings because his co-worker yesterday apparently had her rings (wedding and engagement) off and on the table yesterday and when he walked in the room she had asked if he was wondering why they were off (he didn't even realize they were on the table). Then she proceeded to go on how her 1st marriage failed because x, her 2nd marriage failed because x (current marriage), and her 3rd marriage she is marrying for money. Then when she left work she said "going home to the last place I want to be and without my rings on." ... Talk about toxic. DH and I both would have major issues if the other took of their ring/rings and especially was letting the world know about this/issues before a separation even occurs. I felt so bad the other day I took off my rings for my soccer game because I wear a rubber ring during my games, but then I got distracted with our new puppy and forgot to put the rubber one on. I realized driving to the game and really wasn't happy about it, but DH was like it is totally fine because he knew it wasn't any malicious intent.

Good riddance to your toxic DH. I wish the best for you!

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, I wanted to really try and do everything I could and he gave up so I have no guilt/regrets over this.  I feel like he will but it is to late. 

OMG, your DH's co-worker sounds like my STBexH!!!  DH was upset that I threatened divorce so many times (never once looked at his behaviors that were driving me to my wits end) and said it just reminded him so much of his ex wife and he couldn't take another divorce threat.  I said, "well maybe if 2 woman have now told you similar things you might reflect on yourself and see what you're doing that might cause that".  He is busy playing victim of his own actions though and I just can't deal with it anymore.  I want to be happy!

I know once this is done I will be better off!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

guilt and regret over it, BUT as long as you have decided it is too late for that, then that is HIS problem!

I am proud of you for trying everything and then making the best decision for you and your little one!

You will be much happier that is for sure!

Simpleton21's picture

I have decided that it is far to late for that and his actions have continued to show me that he only cares about him! 

I was willing to try after the met up with the ex and the drunken night even, I know that is dumb, but less than a week later when I was having insecurities about it and trying to talk to him he responded with, "are you sure you want to keep trying, I don't want this to continue being brought up for the rest of my life!" - That response was a slap in the face that he had no remorse at all.  He also didn't want to even try counseling while still trying to say that "he tried everything".  Ever since that statement I've noticed that every statement he makes and every decision he makes is all about him and he doesn't want to deal with how HIS ACTIONS/DECISIONS hurt me! 

I am feeling like this will still be best for our son b/c he won't have to be in this toxic environment anymore of daddy being grumpy and pouty when he is upset about anything and everything but has no concerns for how he treats others!

I know I will be happier.  I think the next few months are going to be hard but I've been through worse!

ImFreeAtLast's picture

I can't believe what a cheating jerk he is. I hope you don't let him beat you down in the divorce. Hope he won't be one of those narcs that tries to take your son away from you. Good luck.

Simpleton21's picture

Ha, he is still claiming he didn't cheat.  Whatever, even if he didn't do anything sexually it still seems the intent was there.  I don't think he will try to take my son away.  He doesn't want to have to take care of him full time.  He wants to be a part time parent.  If he does switch gears and tries that shit he won't win! 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

But you'll be better off getting him out of your life.  I hear that the Chumplady website is a great resource for getting rid of a cheater.


Simpleton21's picture

I'll have to check it out.  Of course he is never going to admit to cheating though.  Claims it was all innocent, lol, like I'm an idiot!  You don't sneak and hide and lie and delete messages if it is innocent.  He made himself very hard to want which makes this easier for me!

justmakingthebest's picture

My 2nd H cheated on me. A lot. I found out after I left him. One of the most embarrassing appointments of my life was going in to the doctor for a full STD screening. Even though it sucked, I felt much better when I did begin dating again knowing that I didn't have any diseases. With your H's behavior, I recommend doing those screenings as well.

I am so sorry that you wasted a year but at least now you know that he had no investment in your marriage and one person can't sustain a relationship. I am sure your SD is understanding how much you have given and is starting to "grow up" and appricatate you. I believe in most cases, you don't divorce kids. Maybe you and SD can still have a friendship in the years to come.

Simpleton21's picture

He is still claiming that he didn't cheat.  I do plan on making an apt for an STD screening.  We haven't had sex in a long time b/c we've been fighting and his actions have been a turn off.  His behavior leads me to believe otherwise!

Thanks, I'm not looking at it as a wasted year.  I am looking at it as I know I did everything I could to try to fix this and he gave up because he truly didn't want to change his behavior.  Yes, SD was finally really appreciating me and growing up and I wouldn't just cut her off if she wanted to still talk or see me.  YDS is her brother still and I know she is worried about still being able to see him. 

SteppedOut's picture

He may not have cheated, only because he hadn't found someone to get naked yet. But had domepne been willing.... to me, that is the same thing. He was TRYING or he wouldn't have lost his wedding his pocket. 

Simpleton21's picture

That is my thought on the matter as well.  He is trying and putting feelers out there and trying to get a catch...yet acting as if I'm the one that is suspect even before all this came out.  Also, he only confessed b/c he was wasted.  He also acted like confessing was a good thing, "at least I told you".  Wow, I feel so much better now that you at least had the decency to tell me.  I told him that isn't a good thing.  Not doing these things that you had to confess would have been the better choice if you really wanted to work on our marriage.  Or he was trying to make me jealous which he has tried before.  IDK and IDC it is all mind games and betrayal and I deserve better!

I'm not out looking for another man and won't be doing that until I'm ready.  I'm honestly just excited to make SD's room into my home office.  I know that sounds awful but oh well!

Winterglow's picture

Should you have a positive (and I hope not), make sure you tell as many people as possible (especially his family and friends) so you get your voice heard first. I take no prisoners. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Hey, lady! Good to 'see' you!

Please don't look at this as wasting almost a year. That is not an easy decision to make - especially with a little one. You have to do things in your own time. You did that and now you know 1000% that you're ready to kick DuckHead to the curb. Wishing you all the best, hon! xoxo

Simpleton21's picture

Thanks Aniki! 

You're right it wasn't easy.  I do know that I did all I could so I have a clear mind and am at peace with the decision now.  I've had so many aha moments lately and am just seeing without the blinders anymore.  I'm so ready for this to be done and to move forward with my life!!! 

motherof3boys's picture

What a hard situation. I'm so sorry but also excited for you as you start this new chapter! 

Simpleton21's picture

It is hard.  Mainly b/c we have a shared child.  If it wasn't for that it would be a lot easier.  I am also excited to start a new chapter and get back to being myself and not stifled by him anymore.