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Grasping at straws...

Simpleton21's picture

This past weekend was my first weekend without YDS.  It was STBexH's weekend to have him.  STBexH was all fine and dandy when he had weekend after weekend kid free....but then it was my turn.  When he picked YDS up he wanted to "talk" and then proceeded to cry and tell me how awful things are and how he misses me and he is so sorry and am I sure that I want a dissolution still.  To which I said yes.  Then he texted me again telling me he talked to his friend and he knows he has a mental illness and needs help and he is willing now to get that help so since he is willing to do that now would I try again.  Still got a no with that.  Then after trying to manipulate another chance b/c of his self diagnosed bi-polar syndrome didn't work he got angry.  Like hateful and mean and went off on me.  I just didn't respond for the most part.  Which of couse made him even more angry. 

At pick up on Sunday he went off on me in front of YDS and flipped me off and told me to get the dissolution paperwork done asap b/c he didn't want anything to do with me and sent a bunch of hateful messages which I also just ignored.  Then he apologized on Mon for his behavior and is still begging for another try.  How many freaking ways do I have to say no!?! Ugh!

This is so hard.  I feel a bit sad today.  Not because I want him back but because of the marriage I thought I would have and how it ended up like this instead Pardon


CLove's picture

We all go into marriage with idealism and high hopes. And if things go south we are allowed to grieve those idealsitc visions.

Biggrin Glad you are standing strong in the face of all the pleadings and promises.

Simpleton21's picture

Yeah, it is just grieving the idealistic visions.  I know he really won't change and this is all another shot at manipulating me into giving him another chance. 

It is getting hard to continue to say no/no more chances/no more tries over and over and over!  Especially when he gets mad and flips out. 

I'm trying to just disengage as much as possible!

tog redux's picture

Sorry, that's tough. How old is YDS? Can he just walk into the house/car whatever so ex can't use it as a chance to talk to you? He has apparently purchased the high conflict divorce playbook. 

Simpleton21's picture

YDS is 7.  We meet in a public parking lot in between homes so he can't just walk into the house.  He did get into my car with no issues then STBexH backed up/rolled his window down and pulled that crap Sorry 2 It made me so sad for our son.  I told him to just stop, think about our YDS, and stop! 

I'm sure this will continue b/c nothing he is doing to try to "win" me back or force me into another chance is working!

tog redux's picture

Yes. Next time just say "bye!" nicely, roll up the window and drive off. YDS doesn't need to see that. Hope he's not portraying himself as a victim to YDS. 

Simpleton21's picture

Oh, he's been trying to portray himself as the victim to everyone.  IDC, he can be the victim to all his friends/family.  I don't care what he says to them but yeah he needs to get it together for his son's sake! 

AgedOut's picture

Sadly what he probably did was give you a cliff notes version of why you had to say "no" to him to protect your own piece (and peace) of mind. 

Simpleton21's picture

Oh he has been giving me plenty of reasons to say no to him! It is just getting exhausting!!!!

Ispofacto's picture

The woman exists simultaneously as both "his salvation" and "a b!tch he didn't want anyway", depending on whether she'll take him back or not.


Simpleton21's picture

LOL, this made me laugh for real.  Not that the situation is funny by any means but that is so true!!!!

SteppedOut's picture

What an ass.

I hate this for you. Hopefully he doesn't stay high conflict...but prepare yourself for dealing with this type of behavior even after the divorce is final. Be sure to get everything added ad nauseam to your custody/parenting plan. 

Simpleton21's picture

Yep, and now he is still begging for me to give him a chance b/c he is willing to get help for his "mental illness" all his behavior is excusable b/c he diagnosed himself with a mental illness.

It is exhausting but I'm sure he will remain high conflict and it sucks! :(  I try to ignore and disengage as much as possible.

justmakingthebest's picture

Just remember it is OK to mourn the loss of a relationship, even one that HAD to end. I wish people told me that, instead of just "Thank god he is gone!"- even though I knew that, I never entered a marriage thinking it would end in divorce. I went in with my whole heart. So did you and it is ok to be sad. 

Simpleton21's picture

Yeah, I guess the being sad part is hard b/c everyone is all dogging him and glad he is gone.  Which I am also.  It is a relief but I do need people to realize that I can still be sad even if he was a POS and didn't deserve me.  It is still hard some days. 

Usually his behavior makes it easier to not be sad but it is just so pathetic it almost makes me feel bad.  Which I know is part of his process of manipulating me and I won't cave but it is just hard.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Its ok to mourn . There had to be some good, thats why you are mourning, that and the expectations of a happy marriage. BUT DANG this dude makes it easy to remember the bad LOL.

Stay strong as your "menatally ill" STBEX pleads his case , which you are.

They can be pathetic. In a nutshell my ex left me for donut champion BM and his mini wife SD. He had the nerve to TEXT" can I come back BM threw me out " A text LOL and the reason even more of an LOL. Losers these men are and we are way better off without.

Blessings to a better future

Simpleton21's picture

Generally he does make it super easy to remember why it is bad and trust me his behavior Sunday was def insane and hateful, again making it easier, it just sucks!  I wish he would stop begging and trying to manipulate me with his BS!  Just let it go and let me go! 

Thank you! 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Good grief, it must be like trying to interact with a kangaroos on acid; jumping all over the place. Sheesh. All of the caca he's pulling is proof positive that you're doing what's best for you. If it comes down to it, make exchanges at the police station. The big ol' poophead. 

Hang in their, hon. {{{HUGS}}}

Simpleton21's picture

It is trying!  Like I just want him to let go and stop it and he comes back with even more BS.  Now thinking he can blame his behavior on this self diagnosis and I owe him another chance.  Ugh!  I do know what I did is best for me.  I was prepared to suggest the police station after Sunday's exchange.  It was in a public place and he still acted a fool but he apologized the next day.  I will go with the police station if his irradict behavior continues. 


Aniki-Moderator's picture

He can take his self diagnosis and stick it where the sun don't shine. Kudos to you for keeping your cool. *give_rose*

Simpleton21's picture

LOL, yeah, I told him it is great he realizes he needs help but it is something he will have to do on his own.  Ugh!  I wonder what his next ploy will be since this isn't panning out!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Oh, he'll figure out something. And you will, being strong and determined to have a healthy and BS-free future, will NOT fall for it.

I hope he doesn't pull anything horrible and outlandish, but don't be surprised if he claims a terrible illness, like cancer. I had someone do that to me solely to suck me back in. Backfired on him when I contacted his mother, offering to help out. Some will drop to a new low to get their way. 

Simpleton21's picture

Oh, I'm ready for his next round of whatever crap he tries to throw my way.  He is civil and quiet right now but he gets YDS tomorrow.  I am staying strong and determined.  I feel so much better without him in my home.  I am not falling for any of it!

Ugh, he would sink that low to.  I mean I felt like the self diagnosed mental illness was low but cancer!?!? What is wrong with people?!?!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

There are those who will stoop to any level (even sub-sewer) to get what they want. No ethics, no morals, no scruples, no conscience.

Survivingstephell's picture

Set him clear that when he acts like that he needs professional help, you are not qualified to help him. That if he continues to act unbalanced in front of son, you will be forced to make decisions based on that unbalanced behavior.  Aka:  get your sh/t together dude.  
He's still testing you to see if he still has power.  Make it clear as day you're done and any shinanigans  will not be tolerated.   If he truly is bipolar, getting diagnosed and treatment will be beneficial to your YDS as it has a genetic component to it   Also consider having a friend go with you and they film the whole transfer   It can get an unreasonable man to think twice, or switch the place to the local police station.  Logical consequences aren't just for skids, they work on adults too.    Hang in there, find your power and rest in it   


Simpleton21's picture

Good advice!  I did tell him I want him to get help even without me.  I do not think he is actually bi-polar.  I think he might be a narc and is very insecure but only a real professional will be able to determine that. 

He is losing it b/c he knows he does not still have power.  His break downs are b/c I am fine and won't give him another chance.  I will switch drop/offs if it happens again. 

ImFreeAtLast's picture

Start documenting ALL of your ex's toxic behavior. Every last bit. I think he needs to have supervised visitation due to his mood swings/toxic behavior and rage attacks.

Simpleton21's picture

I have all the crazy texts/rants saved and screenshots of them.  I didn't get a recording of his behavior b/c I didn't think he would actually do that in front of his son....I will be sure to have it ready to be recorded next time though.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This gave me flashbacks to my XH and him suddenly realizing how serious I was only after I left and was done.

Grieve this however you need to (healthily) grieve it. Divorce sucks even for good reasons. It's not that you're sad about losing what you had. You're sad about losing what you thought your life would be. It's like being sad when you have to cancel a trip you were really looking forward to; you didn't actually lose anything worthwhile, but you lost the prospect of a potentially great time.

If he gets to be too obnoxious, block him and send him directly to email. You don't need to listen to or read his BS whenever his ego needs to lash out. 

Also, gotta love that he's all of a sudden willing to get help to keep a wife, but not so he can be a good, healthy, balanced father. Not that you needed reassurance that he was spewing lies, but the fact that he won't get better for himself or his son is enough to show that he isn't actually serious about getting better.

Simpleton21's picture

I have every intention of blocking him and meeting at the police department if I need to.  I'm not going to be harassed b/c I am done trying. 

His behavior is pretty predictable for his personality type.  I agree.  All of the sudden he admits he has a problem when he thinks that he can blame his behavior on it and use it to manipulate me into another chance.  I agree 100% this is just another bluff and manipulation tactic and he isn't really going to try and when he doesn't try now it will be my fault b/c I didn't do it with him. If he truly wants to be a better man/father/etc he would get the help on his own. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Many people who are diagnosed bipolar are actually boarder line. This explains why he is rapidly cycling and easy to trigger. 

It sounds like he is giving plenty of reasons to be sure of your decision. Be easy on yourself but don't go back!

Simpleton21's picture

Well maybe he is.  IDK, I feel like he is just using this as a scapegoat for his behavior and trying to manipulate me into feeling bad and giving him another chance.  I really honestly want him to get help and I really honestly hope he does it without me.  We shall see.

Oh, there are definitely plenty of reasons to stand strong in my decision.  Today has just been harder for some reason.  Probably because I'm tired and it is just weighing on me. I am not going back at all!

StepUltimate's picture

Someone taught me that in general - but especially during stressful times - don't let yourself get too

  • Hungry
  • Angry
  • Lonely
  • Tired

... because then we don't make the best decisions. I am going through a lower-calorie version of what you are, though no bio's & not quite as volitile a sh*thead. But plenty of love-bombing, crying, "Changed" because now he's aware the midlife crisis betrayal & emotional + financial was hurt me way beyond what he imagined, doesn't like being separated (its been a week), bla bla bla. Totally 100% concerned about himself. I don't want to hi-jack your blog, but this is all so personally relevant and I am admiring how you're handling it. 

You are being a strong, sane woman with priorities. Thank you for the inspiration. This is hard, but all I have to do is the rest of today. 

Simpleton21's picture

I love that!  Thank you!  I am totally going to remember that.  Yesterday I was very tired and so he was wearing on me and making me sad but I did just stop responding to him! 

Oh, sounds like you are going through the exact same thing as me.  For me it has only been 2 1/2 weeks!  He was fine until it was my weekend without the child and he was sure that I had plenty of time to go have "fun" and get "f'd".  That was when he started spiraling down.  Man, you summed it up mine totally did the betrayal & emotional + financial strain on me.  I like how yours is blaming a mid-life crisis.  I guess that might be what mine blames next.  It was just a midlife crisis not a mental illness I'm better take me back!  Ugh, it is exhausting but I just feel so much better without him.

Thank you!  My kids/health/job are my priority.  My STBex needs to make himself and his children a priority and leave me alone.  It is hard but you got this too!  Stay strong and consistent.  Don't let lies/manipulation tear you down! Smile

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

She describes this phenomenon perfectly.  They have three channels that they switch back and forth from.  Rage, Pity, and Charm channels.  Right now he's going back and forth from rage and pity but watch out for the charm channel.  

You should read her book and blog.  You are definitely going through it    

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, thank you, I actually have read her website.  Oh, he has tried the charm as well, when that didn't work it went to anger.  Now I think we are in pity.  It is exhausting and I'm just really trying to be civil and consistent and to the point. 

StepUltimate's picture

It may have been you but it was definitely someone on ST who linked to a year or three ago. Thank you regardless! So informative to see the narc patterns of behavior, and so encouraging to hear from those who are at Tuesday (or progressing closer!). My feelings/experiences track with the Chump Nation's, though financial infidelity was what I've been treated to. 

Simpleton21's picture

It is sad how many of us can relate to this but it is great that we have these resources and support! Yes 3

thinkthrice's picture

This is typical.  My 2nd wasband literally was beating me up at drop offs/pickups when Awesomeson was young and he had to see that.   Fortunately DD wasn't in the car at the time.   This was before the advent of smartphones and in an area where onlookers viewed the violence as entertainment.

Stay strong and have a chat with YDS about deflecting PAS.  I used to inform Awesomeson to counter with "those are grownup things...I just want to spend time with you and not talk about grownup things."  

Yes it is exhausting when they refuse to come to terms with the fact that you're done!  Can totally relate. ((((Hugs))))

Simpleton21's picture

Oh my, that is terrible, thankfully he did not get physical.  He has never been physical but I know that means nothing.  They can always escalate.  Usually exSD's BM will be there too b/c he gets the kids at the same time so hopefully that helps as well. 

I like that, that is a great response to teach him, and hopefully he won't have to use it but better to teach him than let him try to figure it out on his own.

OMG, it is truly exhausting.  I have said no and remained consistent with the no for the entire time he has been gone.  I have given him zero hope.  Told him there was no hope and he is still trying and coming up with crazy antics/manipulation.  It is to much!  Why would anyone want to BEG to be with someone that said they don't want them?!?! I will never understand that!

halo1998's picture

The village idiot is a diagnosed narc...(thank you very much to the custody evaluator who was also a pyschiatrist..he diagnosed him).  

They will cycle through all the behaviours that have worked to keep you supplying their narc needs.  They keep trying over and over until they find another source or you get reeled back in.  Even then they will still try periodically. 

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT goes along way when you have to prove the crazy for court or for the restraining order.  

Simpleton21's picture

Yeah, I feel like he has a lot of narc qualities.  I'll probably never know his true diagnosis b/c he of course is only threatening to go to therapy IF I'm willing to try again.  I think the fact that I'm still saying NO will keep him from going.  It is only a bluff or lip service to try to reel me back in.  I know you are right about that.  His manipulation has no shame but he is getting mad b/c NONE of it is working!

Is it bad that I hope he finds a new victim soon?  I think I scared off the victim he was trying to leave me for by messaging her and telling her she could have him...oops!  Guess she didn't really want him either! 

I have been documenting his crazy texts and behavior!  I hope I don't have to get a restraining order but we will see....

halo1998's picture

so the new victim noped out did she...too bad.  That is for sure why he is cycling in/out of rage against you.  He has no supply now....all I can say is this.

Be careful...these types are most dangerous when you leave and put up boundries.  It will amaze you the depths to which they will try to wear you down to get their fix.

Simpleton21's picture

Yeah, I'm a little mad that I think I caused her to NOPE out.  I wish that I hadn't done that and let her continue to occupy him.  He has no supply and hasn't found his new supply yet!  I'm hoping he does soon though!

Unfortunately this isn't the first toxic man/relationship I've been in so I've been through this behavior and I know they hate the boundaries.  I'm sticking firmly to mine though. 

I also already have the locks on the house changed and a security system.  I'm well aware this is only the beginning of it!

bananaseedo's picture

You are going through what I did when I divorced my ex-narc abusive jerk.  They cycle between love bombing, begging, hateful and rage, bargaining, blaming others, blaming me.  Even through all he did for me, I realized it was absolutely normal to grieve and feel intense sadness for the loss of what we though we could have (not who he was).  It's all part of the process and your feelings are valid-even if they make no sense.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you do at the moment, not rush through it.  If you feel sad, if you miss the good side of him, if you turn angry for his mostly usual self, etc.   Stay strong.  You got this! 

Simpleton21's picture

Ugh, how are there so many narcs in the world!?!?! Like really!?!?! Why!?!?! Yep, it is def a cycle and I'm afraid of how many times it will be on repeat! :(  I was sad yesterday and also tired.  It makes me mad that sometimes I feel sad for him b/c he is so pathetic.  He didn't feel sorry for the way he treated me!  I'm doing my best to just stay strong.  It is exhausting but I also realize that I do not have to respond to him at all.