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Heartbroken...

DCW's picture

I have been a Stepmom... for almost 9 years.  Adult Stepchildren.  4 years ago my H and I decided to sell our individual homes and buy a home together.  At the time my H only had one child at home..his  23 year old Son.  We agreed to have his Son live with us for 2 years until he could save enough to buy a home or move out.  We set some ground rules and he knew that I was a stickler for keeping things clean and tidy.  We have a large property and everyone agreed he would also, help with cutting grass and snow removal as required. This agreement did not last long.  Over the last 4 years .... he has bought a $50,000 truck, 2 snowmobiles, 2 dirt bikes and a bunch of toys and accesseries for all.  No money to move out.  He has also, stopped helping us with things and has taken all of the space in our garage for his stuff and everything is in parts everywhere.  My H will not say anything to his Son.  My H just vents to me --- we have also, talked about giving his son a deadline to move out!  This never happens.  Now his Son has become too involved in our personal business and is disrespectful on a number of levels.  I have always treated my H family with respect.  He has 2 SD from his 1st Marriage that he adopted when they were small... they are now in their 30's and married.  He has a Son and a Daughter in their 20's --- his Daughter just got married a Month ago and already had 3 children, with the man she married.  I have had a good relationship with everyone.  They are all welcome in our home.  OH.... did I mention, I do not have any children of my own!   In July my SD (the one with the 3 children) anounced she was getting married in August.  We were pleased to hear the news and offered to hold the reception at our home.  I was so excited to be able to do something so special for them and my H was so proud.    A few weeks before the day of the reception, we had a slight leak in our Roof, the water came in through the wall in the livingroom and I found a pool of water on the floor.  I decided to go downstairs where my SS lived to see if the water had leaked below. (I never go downstairs - as this is my SS space).  Both my H and SS were at work.

I had a friend coming over and decided to check things out before she arrived.  When I went downstairs, I fell to my knees and cried.  Every inch of the floor was covered with dirty clothing.  My SS cat had been sick in a number of places and it had been there for some time.  There were take-out food boxes everywhere, with left over food.  There were dirty dishes and glasses with crusted food.  The Cat's litterbox had not been cleaned in months and it overflowed everywhere.  The cat food dish was crawling with ants, there was a box of rotten vegetables sitting on the floor-- full of mould.  There were half full beer bottles sitting everywhere with mould on the top layer.  He had 2 Lizards in fish tanks --- and the tanks had not been maintained for months.  No wonder my house upstairs smelt so bad... I always had candles burning to mask it.  I lost my MIND!  My friend just arrived when I was having my meltdown.  She could not believe what she was seeing.  (I should have taken photos with my phone... but could not bring myself to take them).  I sent a text to my SS and told him he was out that night.  I will not live like this for one more minute.  I told him to go and live with his Mother or his Sister.  Well... that is where it all begins or ends.. depending on how you view it.  Because of my actions, my relationship almost feel apart with my H.  We are still working through it.  My SS - Mother's side of the family said I was a horrible person and how could I do such a thing.  The Reception was cancelled at our Home.  None of the Skids want to speak to me.  As for my SS ... he went to live with his Grandmother (his Mother's Mom).  And guess what...?   He is doing all the chores for her and is a model Grandson.  It has only been just over a Month.. so I know it will not last.   I have not seen the Grandchildren in over a Month and am Heartbroken.  I have been so confused by the way I am being treated... I have to go to Therapy.  The Therapist told me that my SS clearly overstepped his boundries. My H should have addressed this a long time ago.  But, due to issues that have nothing to do  with me... clearly his ex--- and the family.  There is obviously guilt and other factors.  So I am not the crazy person.  Will I ever feel the same way about this family?  I don't think so.  I will be on my guard from now on, even if they do allow me back into their lives.   I love my H and want him in my life, but his not standing by me from the start... troubles me.  We have worked through a lot of it, so far.  But, I need him to support my decision.   I do know he misses his Son.  I have no regret that he is not living with us.  Only that this turned into such a nightmare.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Making independent decisions about your jointly owned property.  It seems however you both become annoyed when the other exercises that option.

You are angry because he choose not to enforce a move out.deadline. He is anhry because you put his son out with no notice to him your husband.

Your situation is one where counselling might help.  Your husband may miss his son but he may not be unhappy that he is gone.   Your  problem may have more to do with communication than with children.

The extended family may be annoyed with the putting the son out in that night with no prior notice.  You will not be able to control other peop!e's response to that action.

For now, maybe you should focus on communication with your husband and let the extended family responses go for a while.

 

 

notsobad's picture

Just so you know, CG has no stepchildren. She has no concept of what you are dealing with.

SteppedOut's picture

This is not your fault, it is your husbands fault for allowing his ADULT child to waaaay overstay his welcome and in very horrible ways (nasty bedroom, taking up the ENTIRE garage, not helping at all, spending rediculously).

Will be most excellent when it comes to roost for his gma. Not that I wish her ill, but hopefully you will be vindicated. 

Honestly, I can't believe everyone else is pitching a fit. Though, I'm sure he is saying he did nothing wrong... I hope your husband sets the record straight. 

I would have reacted as you did, doesn't matter WHO did that - skid or bio. That being said, my bio wouldn't do that, but I was VERY worried my formerSS13 was going to do the EXACT same thing. And honestly his bedroom in his dad's house sounds similar, minus the animals. I DID take pictures though. When his room was cleaned literally 12 full bags of garbage came out of it. SO NASTY.

2Tired4Drama's picture

When you each sold your individual homes, there was an expectation that the new home would be "jointly" owned and jointly managed.  SS was going to inhabit your JOINT home for a specific period of time, with specific rules.  He did not abide by them, and your DH did not enforce them. 

So.  Your DH is the problem here.  He has shown no respect for the fact that you are also co-owner of this property.  He has shown no respect for the agreement he made to ensure his son moved out when agreed upon and to keep the place clean. 

You gave SS a direction to move out immediately, which I can understand your DH had a problem with.  But honestly, even if you had discussed it with DH before saying anything to SS I'd be willing to bet your DH would not have confronted him and SS would still be there.  So in that regard, IMO you were within your rights to make sure that action was taken. 

You are right that your DH did not have your back "from the start" and that is indeed troubling.  While you are the one going to therapy, your DH is the one who needs it:  Why can't he keep his word to his wife?  Why is he not holding SS accountable as a young adult?  Why is he complaining to you about his son, yet when you put the hammer down you are vilified for it?  Etc.

I would continue to go to your own counselor and discuss the issues you have with your DH in more detail.  I have a feeling that he has done similar things to you before.   

BTW, just curious ... you were shocked and appalled at the condition of SS's space.  Does that mean neither you nor your DH have been in the downstairs part of YOUR home for years???   There is no way I would own a home and not be able to see how it's being maintained by a "boarder" like your SS.  

Also, I hope that any animals in that sty have been rescued and re-homed.  That's flat-out animal cruelty - including the reptiles. 

tog redux's picture

Poor cat. Sad

I can see where the family is upset - no one said word one to this kid about moving out, or about cleaning his mess, and then all of the sudden, he's out on his ear immediately when you happened to stumble on the squalor (and why did you never go downstairs or investigate the smell?).  I understand there were "rules", but no one was enforcing them, so why should he take them seriously?  And I understand that neatness is important to you, but really, you overreacted because you had been holding in all your anger about it for too long and this was the last straw.

Seems it would have made more sense to first, talk to DH; and second, to tell SS he had one month to clean up your basement and find another place to live.  AFTER the party.

You aren't wrong in being annoyed with DH for not holding his son to the rules, but IMO, you were wrong in how you handled it.

sandye21's picture

"We set some ground rules and he knew that I was a stickler for keeping things clean and tidy."  "We agreed to have his Son live with us for 2 years until he could save enough to buy a home or move out. " "Over the last 4 years .... he has bought a $50,000 truck, 2 snowmobiles, 2 dirt bikes and a bunch of toys and accesseries for all.  No money to move out."  "My H just vents to me --- we have also, talked about giving his son a deadline to move out!" 

All of these sentences verify that SS and DH understood what was expected of SS to live in OP's home.  No one should be surprised that you exercised your right as a property owner to eliminate an unsanitary and possibly hazardous situation which was created by SS.  Even if SS had rented an apartment he would have been evicted under the same circumstances.  You even had a witness - what was their reaction?

There are certain things no one should have to live with.  Filth is one of them.  An unsupportive partner is another.  I agree with 2tired, your DH is the problem, keep going to your counselor.  You are being used by DH as a scapegoat so he doesn't have to take on responsibility that should have been his.  But he was so much of a coward that he let you do his dirty work for him.  Just wonder what DH would have done if this had been one of your family?

One of the other posters suggested that DH's family may feel differently when SS reveals his true self with Gma - and he will.  But don't be surprised if you are still the bad guy.

I had a similar experience with an adult Nephew who was going to get his life together.  I was assured he would help around the house, get a job and not use drugs.  He never attempted to get a job and slept all day.  Three weeks later my Mother and Sister drove 3 1/2 hours to 'save' him from me because I 'abused' him by knocking on his bedroom door at 3pm to allow his pit bull out (whom I was not told about).  He lasted one week at my Mother's house before she called my Sister and said, "Come and get him."  That was in 2004.   He is now living off of a woman and selling drugs.  I am still to blame but you know what?  I could care less.

And this is where you must eventually arrive.  If DH brings this up tell him you will discuss the issue with him when he acknowledges that SS was breaking his agreement with you as co-owners of your home and you expect him to support you as his wife.  If he continues to throw you under the bus you might want to see a lawyer as well and save for an exit plan.  Why would you want to continue to be married to a man like that? 

As for the rest of the rest of the family, they were merely showing their true colors.   They so easily blamed you.  Did they go down stairs and see the mess?   If it hadn't been this it would have been something else.   I am still blamed for my Nephew's failure to launch into a responsible human being but I find I am lucky because the rest of the family has to guard against thievery when he visits them.

Please stand your ground.

DCW's picture

Thank you all for your support and I get there are 2 sides to this.  Just for the record... there was no PARTY downstairs.. this is the way he was living.  I use to go downstairs to do our laundry.  We moved the Laundry Room upstairs 2 years ago.  My SS was always somewhat of a slob.  However; this was disgusting and a shock when I went downstairs this time.  I tried to respect his privacy.  Big mistake.  Should have check on the status before this happened.    AN UPDATE... just found out some information about my SS last night.  My H told me over a week ago my SS hurt his back at work and is now on Compensation.   Still living with his Grandmother.  Found out that it could be cronic.  Well, I do feel bad that he has hurt his back.  Knowing him, I am not sure if it is really as serious as he claims.  I have to say one thing... I am very releaved he is not still living with us.  I can see the writing on the wall now.  Unfortunately, his Grandmother and Mother`s family maybe in for a bumpy ride. 

still learning's picture

"SS hurt his back at work and is now on Compensation."

That's one way out of helping granny!  Oh this is going to be juicy, grams is getting waaaay more than she bargained for. I feel slightly sorry for her but I'm sure she chimed in on the hating OP club so it's her Karma.  Now she's in the spotlight and she'll be the wicked one if she dares throw ss out for any reason.  I'd be placing bets on how long it'll take before everyone is begging DH to take ss in again.  

Turn your basement into an Air bnb, rent it out, board it up, do whatever you have to to make it to where ss cannot return. 

DCW's picture

Yes... you are right about that.  Due to the way I have been treated, there is no way SS will ever live under our Roof again.  He is a grown Man not really a child.  And yes... his poor Grandmother.   I know his father will not admit it... but, I know he feels releaved that his Son is not living under our Roof.  Interesting thing is that my SS older Sister has a 5,000 sq ft house with a fully finished apartment in the basement.   I asked her a couple of months ago if she would let my SS move in and she said NO!  So that is his own Sister.   Interesting how that family all turned on me.   I don`t think my SS realizes his Sister doesn`t even want him to live with her.   Nothing is simple.  But, I feel really releaved that my H and I have our home back.

futurobrillante99's picture

((Hugs)) I feel your pain. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this because I can relate. 

TX2step's picture

25 plus years old, made a plan to save and exit. You were taken advantage of. You waited and trusted DH to expedite this plan. I would have lost my carp long ago. Don't feel bad, I would have done it too. Seriously quit worrying about SS and family, show DH that you have tolerated and waited long enough, so you made a stand. Too bad DH turned his balls over to his pig son. He might need them in the future, maybe.

notasm3's picture

You kicked a worthless ahole out of your home.  Anyone who has a problem with that can go suck eggs.  Write off all the stupid judgemental aholes and STOP ALLOWING disgusting people to dictate what you are "allowed" to do.

Seriously anyone who thinks you need to enable someone like that POS skid is too stupid to live.  Remove all morons and aholes from your life.

still learning's picture

You've just leaned one of the saddest lesson in stepmothering: You never were and you never will be family.  

You were merely tolerated when you were being a doormat to ss and enabling the grown man in his failure to launch. BM's side of the family didn't have to deal with this dirty little secret that you were hiding in your basement. But *horrible* woman that you are, went and exposed it for the world to see.  Their damage control...Gaslight! Make you out to be a horrible person who threw out poor little ss 23 for NO reason!  Look, he's helping granny. SM is an evil liar!  

Could you have handled it better? Yes, starting with better boundaries in the beginning instead of letting things get so out of hand.  You get a pass though because you are human and like the rest of us must live and learn.  

Another lesson of SMing you learned is that if there is an empty basement, bedroom, vacation home, or any space at all, skids will feel entitled to it because it belongs to dad which means it's theirs.  Be warned that ss's helpfulness may wear off soon and he may be given back to dad so cement in the basement now!  

 

MurphysLaw's picture

^^^This 100%^^^

Feck that trash bag family, Every. Single. One. Of. Them! Including that spineless little b!tch you married!

 You’re in shock still, it’s alright, we’ve ALL been there. Keep seeing your therapist, and start building strong boundaries! Forget about that “family”, you were being USED. The truth hurts, but you got to face it.

I would also speak to a good divorce attorney as well, just to be prepared. You’re useless to these people if they can not use you any longer.

Harry's picture

Letting SS stay for two years.  Your DH did not do his part. Enforcing the rules and making SS move after two years.  Your DH is not only wrong. But can’t see it.  It that simple !!

SS was a guest in your home,  That not the way you treat someone’s home.  It show a total lack of respect for you and your DH. No reason to have anyone in yoir Home who disrespect you and DH.  He is just spineless, He will cave in on you. How can he stand up to you when he  an not stand up to his DS ??  He did not grow a spine in the last few weeks 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

It will not get better. Lawyer up and protect your assets. Run from this sham of a marriage!

elkclan's picture

Yeah, I'm of the opinion that you did nothing wrong, you just did it maybe in the wrong way. I mean, he should have been out of your house already and he shouldn't have treated it in the way he did. But abrupt evictions are not nice. 

There's nothing wrong with admitting your own part in it, while still standing firm on thr rightness of him being out of there for being there too long and for not following the rules. 

notasm3's picture

This sudden eviction was totally justified. When you discover something truly awful it’s ok to take action right away.   No need to talk and break it to him gently.  

When I discovered that SS and his GF had ransacked my home during our vacation I wrote them off 100% effective immediately.   They had a vacation scheduled to stay at my vacation home out of state. They were in total disbelief and furious that I canceled that.