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Does anyone else feel like everything is a constant battle with your SO?

sickofstephell's picture

I feel like everything is an argument between us. Is that normal? Things were never like that with my ex.

Everything turns into a fight because we are so different and he does not agree with a lot of my opinions and decisions. He wants a new boat, I don't agree. He wants a new couch, I don't agree. He wants to spend $1,000 on birthday gifts for his twins, I don't agree. He wants to give his ex one of our older vehicles, I don't agree. He wants to buy his daughter a $3,000 TV for her newly remodeled bedroom, I don't agree. He wants me to pull my children out of the private school that they have been going to their whole lives, I don't agree.

We both have high paying jobs and we do pretty well financially. Most of our shared assets are in my name due to his lovely ex demolishing his credit. He is not very financially savvy himself. He thinks that he works for it and should enjoy it. I think WE work for it and WE have a mass amount of bills to pay.

We disagree about so many things. Is this normal? Like I said my ex and I never bumped heads so much. It is painfully irritating and so very tiring.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

No... I don't feel this way.  

It sounds like you have some fundamentally different views of finances.. I think a meeting with a financial/credit counselor would be helpful if you want to try to work on things with your SO... if the "other" isn't as bad and this is just one area of contention.

It might be helpful for you SO to hear from a 3rd party some truths about finances.  But.. if it is arguing over everything.. and there IS a difference between disagreement and arguing... I might seek more counseling.. or a lawyer..lol.

sickofstephell's picture

A meeting with a financial advisor may be helpful but he is very stuck in his ways. He has made a lot of money in his lifetime and he has always been a spender.

I don't really trust lawyers. He is one.

strugglingSM's picture

You said one thing about your SO that piqued my interest. To paraphrase, you said that he felt like he earned his money and he deserved to spend it. That thinking is the kind of thinking that drives people to bankruptcy. I know this, because my DH is the same way. He has no money sense. BM didn't either, so they didn't fight about money, they just never paid any bills. I told DH repeatedly - even before he was my DH - that I would not live like he did with BM and that might mean that SSs can't have everything they want. We've had some raging fights about that. 

So, I don't know if it's normal, but I do think it's common, especially when people have different philosophies about money and different levels of capability when it comes to managing money. It's not easy to teach and adult how to manage money...especially when he or she grew up with parents who were not great at managing money. 

Really, though, giving his ex something that was yours would send me way over the edge. He's not married to her anymore, so he shouldn't be providing for her...full stop. 

thinkthrice's picture

are both bad with money.   They both have that "eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die" attitude.  Also Gir ran up the credit cards after the break up and left Chef with all the marital debt. 

I have total control over the finances.  Chef has a Lowes credit card and a cap one card that gives me an alert everyone he spends anything over $100 which I question about.   Sounds like a parent/child relationship?  Yup.  Chef is literally is like a kid in a candy store as regards spending.  The Girhippo is even worse.  I hope StepDaddyBigBucks is enjoying his financial burden... especially now that CS is coming to an end best case scenario in a year and 3 months if YSS lands behind bars when he's 18. ( i think incarceration is an emancipation event) and he has a felonious streak.

ndc's picture

It is not normal for everything to be an argument.  However, all of the examples you cited are about finances.  He wants to spend money on himself, his kids and his ex, and he doesn't want to spend money for your kids' school.  You don't want to spend money on him, his kids and his ex, and you do want to spend money for your kids' school.  Do you fight about other things, or is it just money?

If it's just money, and you both make a good living, would it make sense to split finances?  You could deposit equitable amounts into an account to pay household bills and expenses; you would each fund your respective retirements and kids' college funds, and the rest would go into separate accounts.  He could buy things for his kids from his account and you could pay tuition from your account, and you wouldn't need to agree on those items.  If most of your fights are about finances, that might remove a lot of the tension.  

Thisisnotus's picture

Yes!!!!!! My DH and have had more “fights” in a month than I had with my exH over 16 years.

DH and I are also total opposites and the age gap is also staring to show its ugly head.

i don’t remember ever crying in my marriage to my ex in all those years about my marriage.....now I’m lucky If I make it 24 hours with crying. Ugh.

SteppedOut's picture

So, he works hard and should be able to spend his money how he sees fit (excessive on his kid's WANTS). Yet, you on the other hand, should pull your children out of private school?

And he wants to GIVE his EX a vehicle?

I think that you definitely should not have shared finances but contribute equitably to your joint bills. Also, an agreement on retirement savings.

UNLESS this is not the only large disagreement you have with your spouse. If you strongly disagree on multiple topics, you may want to consider the idea that you just might not be compatible with one another. 

 

sickofstephell's picture

His ex was a stay at home mom for the entire course of their relationship. Once he decided to end the marriage, she moved in with her cousin (a man who she does NOT act related to at all) and now lives across the country in a van with her boyfriend (last we heard). She has not seen her children because she has no money, she has no car, she has no job. He wanted to give her one of our vehicles that we do not use because she said that she would visit her children if she had a car. We have several vehicles and the one that he wanted to give her is the oldest and in his name only. But that is still his ex, so I had a fit.

tog redux's picture

OP - you guys are dealing with NINE kids. I'm not sure how there could NOT be a fight every day. 

My DH and I rarely fight but he has one kid and I have none. And his one kid doesn't stay at our house anymore, he's 19 and lives full-time with BM. 

I don't mean to be snarky, but I can't imagine how you guys thought this could work. 

ndc's picture

Oh my goodness, I just realized from Tog's comment that you're the one with 4 kids married to the guy with 5 kids who has told you he'll make it difficult for you to leave.  

That changes things.  Your problems aren't just financial - you have a husband who expects you to be mom to 5 girls he doesn't parent.  Of course you fight all the time.  You've been married less than a year, right?  If you're fighting this much during the honeymoon period, and there are NINE kids that you're trying to blend, and you don't see eye to eye on many things, I think your relationship is doomed and your best bet is to position yourself to get out as unscathed as possible.  Especially since he's already making threats.  Start planning your escape.

 

susanm's picture

OMG.  I did not realize which person this was.  Obviously you are going to be fighting.  This guy has no intention of parenting his children.  He just throws money at them in an attempt to distract them so he can make a clean getaway.  Sorry girl but things like this only work out in movies.  If it has been less than a year you are in the window of gettting out clean.  Take it.

Harry's picture

That not you don't agree it he still has ties with his ex.  You have bigger problems then not being on the same page.  He putting his ex and kids before you.  That really bad.  CS should be enough.  He does not have support the ex.  He is supposed to support you. 

sickofstephell's picture

She has not seen them in 4 years. He does not pay CS because we have them always.

sickofstephell's picture

He makes a bit more than I do so he can't really use me. I have taken on most of the parenting role in the home but his kids seem to like me more than they like him (unless he is buying them things that they ask for).

MurphysLaw's picture

“He makes a bit more than I do so he can't really use me”

If he is throwing money at his kids/X and you are left covering ALL the household expenses, as well as him stating he “will make it hard for you to leave”

Then YES YOU ARE BEING USED.

somethingwicked's picture

And F_cking heartless as well.The MOTHER of his 4 children live in a van and is strung out on drugs or something and HE has the means to help.

Oh please ,OP, let your DuH give the EX that car .She might be wanting to expand the square footageof their van home.At least your Duh could DO THAT.

Sheesh.

My EX BioHo Bag was a big fat meddling monster of a b!tch but if she was addicted and down to her last spark plug living on NoWhere lane I'd help her.Even if it was to give DuH the  high sign to gift the other auto to her.And send her food and blankets as well. Awful. 

 

 

sickofstephell's picture

But she chose that. Why would we feel bad for her?

She up and left five kids just weeks after the youngest was born so that she could live IN A VAN with a man much younger than her who looks as though he NEVER showers.

Pity them - never.

somethingwicked's picture

Why would you argue with him over giving his ex a junker car ?She is not asking for a Lexus.Seems like she is for all intents and purposes out of everyone's life and not causing drama.

Maybe you  feel some competitive jealousy towards  this  pathetic drug addicted down to her last dime  mother of his 5 children.

Does your H frequently mention her or compare your parenting skills to his EX ,thedruggie,or something?

That would def piss me off as it would be like comparing apples to anything but fruit ,right?

If you  get away from him you won't have to post looking for answers to your dilemma ;leaving would solve everything .

I hope you are taking those small steps you mentioned towards your liberation.

 

NotURMomma's picture

If my DuH wanted to give HamBeast anything, let alone a f'ng car I would start WW3 in my house. My DuH is trained though and knows better. We set a budget for gifts etc and Stepdemon gets the same amount on him as me and DuH's kids. DuH has to spend more on me. (It's not very much.)

No fancy TVs for Stepdemon nor anything to hambeast.

Skinvasion's picture

I am going through something similar.  But my DH makes almost double what I make and I am still covering the majority of the bills.  I told him last night that I was about to take over control of both of our paychecks so we can save some $ and get some debt paid down.  I can tell he's hesitant to let me control all the $ because he's used to spending his how he wants while I struggle to make ends meet with almost half the $.  I told him it's got to be that way until he learns to handle $ or we won't be married much longer.  If I'm going to struggle with him there when he has the means to help, I'd rather struggle without him and not have 3 extra people to cook, clean, buy groceries, wash clothes for.  

sickofstephell's picture

I am sorry you are in that situation. I hope he agrees and sticks to the decision of you handling the finances. Mine would never agree to that.

Curious Georgetta's picture

or if you require a mutual perspective on day to day decisions, this may not be the best long term relationship for you.

If you are flexible and realize that sometimes your partner can complement you rather than agree with you, - meaning he brings strength in areas where  you are not necessarily strong and you in turn have strength in areas where he may be challenged , the relationship may flourish.

Only you can decide what is essential in your life