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Aaaaand she’s GONE!

sickofstephell's picture

My co worker approached me in tears today. She has taken excellent care of her boyfriend's teenage daughter for the last 4 years. Her mother lives about two hours from our city and hasn't had much to do with her. There was no court ordered custody agreement. My co worker had this girl on her insurance! She paid for her cell phone bill. She drove her everywhere or always let her use her car. She took her to appointments, school, you name it. She did A LOT. She is a doctor and she makes good money, but she still did not have to do all that she has! They had a good relationship. Once she even brought my co worker lunch and they acted like mother and daughter! The girl stayed home from school sick today. Around lunch time, the girl's mom emailed her father AND her step mother (my co worker) and said, "_____ is moving in with me today." AND. THAT. WAS. IT. She just got home and texted me a picture of the girl's empty room that she left in shambles. WTF!

If my husband's kids ever do that to me - yea, IDK. I could see his 11 year old pulling this if her mom ever wanted her to move over there.



Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oh, that's hard. I feel for your friend. But this is a Golden Ticket. She gets to disengage from all things skid and never has to live with her again.

I went through this TWICE. SS15 asked to move in with us, but discovered we had more rules than BM. After six months of him expecting to be allowed to run feral, BM moved him out while we were at work. That's right, BM CAME IN MY HOME AND PACKED UP HER KID. Eventually she admitted it was wrong of her to have done that. I replied that it was indeed, on many levels.

Years later, YSD19 also moved out while we were at work. I did everything for that disturbed kid. She put us through five years of He!! Four therapists, one half hearted suicide attempt, and hundreds of lies later, she packed up most of her clothes, shoes, and makeup (priorities, right?) and shacked up with a guy she barely knew. 

What type of person does this sort of thing?? Where else in life would such behavior be tolerated?

I hope your friend realizes that They Aways Go Back. The mother-child bond is the strongest of all, no matter how awful the BM or wonderful the SM. Now is the time for her to draw hard boundaries to protect her heart and her home from the chaos so she won't be collateral damage again. I send her hugs.

sickofstephell's picture

I am so sorry you had to go through that - not just once but TWICE!? I told her that it will end up being a good thing for her and her boyfriend. She seems to think that the girl may be pregnant - which she believes will end up being her and her boyfriend's fault somehow. Drama Rama! It's disturbing how many step families face situations like this.

thinkthrice's picture

that no good deed goes unpunished...ESPECIALLY as a SM.

somethingwicked's picture

Your pal lost ONE skid .In short time she will see the truth of the imagined relationship she THOUGHTshe had with the skid then and dance on a table with unbridled joy.LIke ExJulie sez :your friend dodged a bullet.

What's happening with your plans to make your exit ? YOU  have FOUR albatrosses .Wait make that FIVE counting your SO as you say you want to make your escape from this StepHell he roped you into.

Man ,it must really suck to see your friend get free like *that* ..a fingersnap.

Maybe your friend can give you some pointers how  to lose the  psuedo blended family baggage dragging you down. 

You need all the luck,kid.



sickofstephell's picture

I'm an idiot. I know.

Things haven't been too bad. It's not always bad. There is some good. But I know - it's not worth it. I took on way too much.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Did anyone check that the daughter was ACTUALLY with mom and went of her own free will? And I mean actual free will - not BM convincing her that they would have this super close bond and they'd run off to Vegas together or some other happy BS story?

Teenagers are dumb, and if this girl has been missing her mother terribly, she'd likely do anything to get to live with her and have her mom. It wouldn't take much for BM to think "hmm, I need an extra paycheck" and convince her DD that Dad is the meany who kept them apart so that BM would get CS for the next 6 months-4 years. 

At the very least, Dad needs to request a welfare check if he can't drive 2 hours tonight. Then, he needs to have a conversation with his daughter about how not okay this was. If she made this decision without coercion, then Dad needs to lawyer up. Cut off the cell phone, SGF cuts off health insurance, if SD has a car it goes bye-bye, take her off car insurance since she doesn't live there and won't be driving any vehicles, etc. This is a man who makes enough money that he can hire a shark of a father's rights attorney that can get him to be responsible for CS alone (or close to just CS since SD is almost an adult). Show BM and SD that stupid games with stupid prizes.

I do feel sorry for your coworker, but I wouldn't pass judgment on SD until someone finds out what is going on. Parents can be abusive in other ways than physical. If a woman were being coerced into a relationship, I wouldn't fault her. I extend the same latitude to kids with evil parents.

Cooooookies's picture

In my case, that will never happen.  SS17 is attached to DH rather than BM2.  He loves her because all children do but it is his dad he's attached and bonded to.

I feel sorry for your work friend OP.  Just proves that 99.99999% of the time, no matter how awful or evil, they will go back to their own BM.

Lovemylife's picture

As soon as she graduated. After raising her as my own since she was 12 with absolutely no contact with bio she upped and moved out. It wasnt as so much bio mom that she was wanting to connect with.  It was drugs and sex and being a huge douche.  She just contacted bio mom because she knew bio mom wouldn't say anything to her. She basically used her bio mom. 

Now? I'm disengaged. I text with her but I do or give nada. No birthday gifts. No helping out. No advice. If she complains I say "oh that's to bad". 

In a instant she wiped out our relationship and I'm not going back.  Ever! I don't trust her now and she has yet to gain my trust ln the last two years she's been gone. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Our experiences are similar. YSD also had zero contact with BM, moved out for a guy and partying, and did reestablish contact with her mom just to use her.

I have spoken to her once in the decade plus since she left. She's simply a danger to my emotional wellbeing, and I can't be around her crazy.

Thumper's picture

I tend to agree with LD....a welfare check OR touch base with sd AND bm is important.

OP---tell your co-worker to be ready for a hearing on post secondary education expenses. They are not off the hook yet...


Siemprematahari's picture

It hurts when you place so much time, love and effort in someone and they just up and leave with no care or consideration for you. Take this time to work on healing yourself and allowing your H to deal with whatever arises from her leaving and staying with her BM. Disengage from her and take this time to reflect and take care of you.


ESMOD's picture

Wow.. that sucks.. 

But.. I can't believe this is all some big shocking surprise.  I'm sure there are things the co-worker isn't sharing about the situation... or her history with the kid.

Did daddy just put his foot down on some romeo she is dating?  Did he hit her with a curfew?  Did mommy promise some great lifestyle change for the girl?  Were there other conflicts.. was the girl getting on drugs?

Normal, well adjusted, happy kids who are getting their needs met generally don't just pack up and leave their homes.. not without some type of impetus.

sickofstephell's picture

I don't know any details about their household or family dynamic. I just saw my co worker with her step daughter on several occasions and there seemed to be a good friendship and love there.

They think she might be knocked up.