(Trigger) Abuse by SS14
I can't believe I'm writing this. DH has forbid me from talking with anyone in my real life about this, other than the authorities involved. So I am writing here to get some perspective and clarity. I have discussed with my parents, despite DH's "warning" to me; I was willing to go against DH's wishes because I needed the support... and also a place to stay (I'll explain more below)
A few weeks ago, my toddler (LO age 4) disclosed that he had been sexually abused by his older half-brother, SS14. The extent of it seems to be grabbing, touching and discussing what teen boys often do with their private parts. I was in disbelief at first. I took LO to the pediatrician, who confirmed what LO disclosed to me (using drawings, anatomically correct dolls, age-appropriate conversation). After we got home from the appointment, I informed DH of what LO4 reported and the pediatrician's requirement of filing an official report. We now have protective services involved, and they have since interviewed LO.
DH is furious with me for bringing LO to the doc. I apologized for not discussing it beforehand with him. I asked if DH would have been in agreement about bring LO to the doc, and he said no, and that he would have forbid me from going. I suspected as much, which is why I brought LO on my own.
Life has been a living hell with DH. I had to take both LOs away from the house last week while SS14 was visiting, per the recommendation of protective services, so that LO and SS would be separated. My parents know and thus I have other places to stay and their support. This week, SS14 will be told of the abuse claim and interviewed by authorities. DH has berated me nonstop, saying that I have ruined SS14's life, that he as the father could have handled this, that no one can tell him how to raise his kids, and that if SS hurts himself (history of depression), that it will be all my fault. Further, he claims that our LO was probably lying and that I more than likely made it all up (as in coached LO) to get rid of SS.
I have stayed surprisingly calm. I have not engaged other than to say that SS needs help, that I never wanted to get rid of him, that I am scared that SS relationship with LO will never be the same, and that I think SS needs help on many levels, this issue being primary. I have also remained firm that DH and I are not equipped to handled this ourselves; we need outside help.
I understand that DH is hurting and scared, hence my efforts to stay calm and not tick him off further. I believe DH knows that SS needs significant help and has for years, and that he feels guilt for not addressing other issues in the past, such as inappropriate comments, odd behaviors, and bullying by classmates. I think that DH is lashing out at me, as he has always done, when he feels guilt or shame.
Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before?