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Is BM a mind-reader??

saruhhh_04's picture

It seems like whenever my SO and I make plans or have something to do, BM suddenly needs to drop-off SS and we cannot say 'no'. I understand that it could simply be a coincidence, but this seems to happen more and more. SO and I have not had the chance to spend quality time together recently (we've been swamped with work, birthday parties for our friends children, etc.). SS came to visit last weekend, and this weekend was going to be our time alone. We even had tickets to see a baseball game...we were excited to be able to take a load off and to relax. Then, BM texted last night that she was dropping off SS, tonight. No explanation given.

Please do not get me wrong. I love when SS is around. Even though he is a handful, and his visits tend to be stressful since he misbehaves most of the is still great to see him. But it takes a toll when our plans get interrupted a lot. We never tell her when we have plans either...but she somehow only willingly brings SS around during the times that we do. We don't mention our plans to SS either, so she isn't using him to spy (that we know of). I understand that she has primary custody of him and often needs a break herself - but since he was with us last weekend and will be with us next weekend (lets not forget that he'll be there for the entire week of July 4th and basically every weekend in July), this weekend was going to be for SO and I.

It's even more frustrating when she drops him off unannounced for long periods of time, just for us to see pictures of her on social media going from club-to-club, partying. There was even a time that she dropped him off 3 hours early than what was discussed, and then proceeded to get angry and SO because he was not home at that time. She also did that when she dropped off SS at 5am one weekend, and sent SS to knock on the door (he knocks very softly, and we sleep upstairs)...she then sent SO several angry messages about how she was late for work due to him not answering the door and how he has it so much easier because he gets to pick when he wants to be a dad...keep in mind she never got out of the car to knock, and didn't try calling. I am exhausted, and we were looking forward to spending a quiet weekend together, doing something for us. I know some of you will be wondering, 'why don't you just tell her you can't watch him?'. Well, that is not an acceptable answer to her. If we say that we cannot watch him, then come the threats of, "You will never see him again", "I need a break too", "I can't do this on my own"...and those are censored. She calls us every name you can think of. For anyone that has not read any of my previous posts, BM is now living with her SO - and SS is even calling him dad now. So she is not completely doing this alone. My SO has even offered to make an arrangement with her that would allow him to see his son every other weekend or what she would prefer...that way she can get a break and he can spend time with their son. But she never let's that happen.

Does anyone else get the sense that the BM is a mind-reader, and always 'coincidentally' needs you to watch your skid(s) when you have plans? I feel like I am going crazy and I may very well be making mountains out of molehills, but I needed this off of my chest.



momjeans's picture

Boy oh boy do I remember THOSE days. Back when DH and I were dating, and BM and DH worked together, she would more than not unload skid on him/us on DH’s days off from work (because she knew his schedule) and at least once on his off weekends. We would legit be out of town, a good two hour drive away, and all BM had to do was text DH “I need to drop skid off at (whatever time)” and BOOM we’d be on the road back home. Granted, this was prior to DH finding his spine and started telling BM “No”. 

I get wanting to see SS, but your relationship, and much deserved downtime should get attention as well, no?

And why can’t she be told “No”?

saruhhh_04's picture

I agree. We love having SS around, no matter how stressful that can be. But we also need some time for ourselves.

He is not on the birth certificate, so he has no rights. When he has tried to tell her 'no', she gets angry and starts saying things like, "you will never see him again"...and since he has no legal rights/say about his son, he tries to keep the peace so she won't pick up and move away again. She has done that in the past, and during that time, SO didn't see SS for almost a year. Then one day she randomly moved back and dropped off SS without warning us.

He has tried to find ways he could obtain some form of legal custody over SS, but so far he hasn't had much luck.

momjeans's picture

This isn’t a matter of luck. Is that what he wants you to think? 

It’s a matter of him not trying harder. He needs to be all in if he wants to be able to exercise his rights. He takes her to court, establishes paternity, then requests X amount of time with his child. She’s operating under threats. I can tell you from experience, don’t allow this to be “normal” behavior - because it’s not. 

saruhhh_04's picture

I believe some of the lawyers that he has spoken with in the past were not qualified. They told him that putting him on the certificate would be almost impossible since it had been an 'x' amount of time since his son was born. Come to find out, that is not actually true. His mother and I keep urging him to get this done, because BM is starting to take advantage of the situation even more.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your SO needs to take her to court and get his rights established NOW. Take a paternitu test, compel her to have SS tested, get on the birth certificate, and establish a CO and CS. It won't stop her from being a pill, but it will give your SO some breathing room to not constantly be under BM's thumb. Him NOT standing up to her just teaches his son that he should expect to be treated the same and BEHAVE THE SAME if he ever finds himself in the same position.

Also, it's okay to not like having SS around. You don't have to think the moon and stars shine out of his hiney. We all get it, even those of us who like/love our stepkids. They are draining, and it is perfectly normal to not want them around during all your free time.

Your SO needs to step up and take action, otherwise this will be your life for thw next however many years until SS ages out. And, the longer your SO waits to establish this, the longer he opens himself up to possible legal ramifications. It isn't unheard of for crazy BMs to establish paternity right before a kid turns 18, after 18 years of BD paying CS under the table, and a judge deciding BD now owes 18 years of back CS plus college expenses, health insurance until 26, etc.

saruhhh_04's picture

Thank you for the response! I agree, he needs to stop letting her call the shots. Since his offers to sit down with her and creating a visitation agreement amongst themselves has not worked, he needs to get a third party involved. I have suggested that he goes through court and establishes paternity and do whatever needs done to put him on the certificate (before she tries to possibly put her SO on it - we wouldn't put that past her). He has consulted with a couple lawyers in the past, and they did not help. I'm going to urge him to get another opinion, because I do not want this to be our life for the next 12 years.

And thank you for the words on SS. There are times that I feel like the bad guy for not wanting him around all of the time. I do love him, but he is draining.

SteppedOut's picture

Unless she's married, which she's not, there are very few men that would want to be put on a child that is not really their's birth certificate. By allowing that, they are accepting responsibility (child support). 

SteppedOut's picture

Your BF keeps GASLIGHTING you into believing its soooooo hard to have paternity established and get a visitation schedule in place. Could part of it be he doesn't want court ordered child support? (That will happen.)

All of these bad things you are dealing with will NOT change until he has paternity established and obtains a court ordered visitation schedule. Something is making him not want to do it and it is NOT because it is difficult to do. 

saruhhh_04's picture

I will be discussing this with him tonight once we have a moment alone. I want to get to the bottom of what is stopping him from doing this.

Kes's picture

I agree with what has been already said.  Your partner absolutely needs to establish paternal rights so that this foul woman cannot keep jerking his chain.   Even if he doesn't do this, personally I wouldn't allow her to use him and take advantage in this totally shameless manner.  He needs to set some boundaries, you should encourage him to do so.   No matter what the relationship is between your partner and his child, the BM can't keep holding him to ransom in this despicable way. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Quit going along with the insanity. It's counterproductive. And since he isn't hearing you or his mother, turn up the pressure with actions.

If BM dumps the kid on you when you and your SO have plans, go on your own. Stop letting his baggage affect you. Do fun stuff, turn off your phone, and be unavailable. Let your SO FEEL the consequences of his inaction while you live your life. He doesn't want to do what's required to fix this mess? Fine, but you don't have to keep him company. Leave him to it, every time he let's BM run roughshod over your life. And if it's feasible, get his mother on board, too. Both of you need to step back, be unavailable, and let him live with his poor choices. It will force him to deal with his bratty child one-on-one, and that could be a powerful motivator.

saruhhh_04's picture

SO's mother has stopped being around when SS is there. Which has him leaning on me more than before to help him watch SS. You are right, I need to take a hint from his mother and start doing my own thing when SS is around. Thank you!

Harry's picture

BM withhold the child.  Then she could not go out.  BM is going out every weekend. It’s not she dropping him off unannounced, she is dropping him off most weekends if not just  about all weekends. If it’s a holiday weekend BM is partying and you have SK

saruhhh_04's picture

I do not know, she rarely gives him an explanation to anything. But she does have other relatives/friends that live nearby that we believe may watch SS at times. It seems like SS is rarely with her during the weekends. My guess is she withholds SS from SO in an attempt to hurt him and make him continue to do as she says whenever she decides to drop SS off. But again, that is just a theory that I have. I do not interact with her directly and she does not give SO explanations.

momjeans's picture

Been there, done that with DH’s Ex wife.

BM had an arsenal of family and friends, too, that would step-up and take skid, in the off time she wasn’t with me and DH. When we did the math, we found that BM actually spent very little time with her own child. 

Whenever DH told her “No” it was really no water off of her back, because she would just go to the next willing and available person. It didn’t mean that BM would let being told “No” go, though. She often tried to retaliate and withhold skid from seeing DH, but it wouldn’t last long, because she needed my husband to play babysitter. 

When it came time to hash it out in court, the courts didn’t care how little time BM actually spent with her own child, but did care that BM dabbled in malicious withholding of the child. 

Trust me, your SO should nip this sooner than later, for various reasons. 

saruhhh_04's picture

He and his mother (SS's grandmother) have saved the texts from BM threatening to keep SS away from them. This will be discussed tonight. Thank you!

tankh21's picture

BM over here pulled the same BS. She claimed SS wanted to come to see his dad every weekend it was jut a ploy to try to drive me away. What everyone says is good advice OP. This will be a life of hell if you and your DH continue to let BM control and threaten you. Please talk to your DH for your own sanity otherwise it will not end well.

saruhhh_04's picture

Thank you for the response. I will be discussing this with SO tonight when we have a moment alone.

momjeans's picture

I have suggested that he goes through court and establishes paternity and do whatever needs done to put him on the certificate (before she tries to possibly put her SO on it - we wouldn't put that past her). He has consulted with a couple lawyers in the past, and they did not help.

That’s not the way it works. BM can’t just put any random dude on her child’s birth certificate, even if they marry. He’s not the child’s biological father. If bio dad gives up his parental rights, and BM’s SO legally adopts him - that’s another story.

No luck with lawyers? Really? Just what kind of story is your SO trying to sell you? He needs to open the yellow pages and pick a family law lawyer, make an appointment (most of the time, the consultation is FREE), and lay it all out there. This is a very simple case of a father wanting an even a fair playing field in regards to seeing his child.

I wouldn’t be too quick to hitch your wagon to this emotional and dramatic mess, unless your SO proves he is 100% on-board in dealing with it properly and legally. Seriously.

saruhhh_04's picture

I apologize. I was under the impression that since SO isn't on the certificate, she could add whomever if they chose to.

The last time he spoke with a lawyer was over 2 years ago. It was the same lawyer he had used in the past...I doubt he specialized in family law. I will be speaking with him tonight once SS is asleep. We need to work on resolving this - especially hearing from so many on this site that this would be simple.

momjeans's picture

No need to apologize! Just need to clarify: If BM has claimed your SO the father from the time of birth, and your SO and BM were never married, that’s most likely the only reason he is not on the birth certificate.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Technically, she CAN add whoever she wants SO LONG AS that person is willing to 1) sign a paternity affidavit and 2) state legally that they are the father without having a paternity test done.

However, any man who does that is a moron because he then LEGALLY becomes the father with all the rights AND responsibility. And if he a man is deemed the legal father, that does NOT stop a biological father from getting visitation. It's a messed up system.

hereiam's picture

He is looking into different routes he can take to try to get some sort of custody/say over his son. But so far, he hasn't had much luck.

What do you mean, he hasn't had much luck? It's called a paternity test. Is this kid your SO's? I ask because it sounds like he doesn't actually want a paternity test.

ndc's picture

Does your SO pay child support?  It would not be difficult for him to establish paternity (assuming he is in fact the father), and I cannot imagine there's a lawyer out there (including those who don't practice family law) who doesn't know that or couldn't figure it out with 5 minutes worth of research.  The only reason I can think of for not making the effort to get court ordered visitation is to avoid CS if it's not already being paid in the amount that would be ordered.  A friend of mine did not put her bad news loser ex-BF (father of her child) who lives in another state on the birth certificate because she (and especially her parents) didn't want him involved in the child's life.  They are well aware that he has rights and could establish paternity easily, but they're counting on him not pursuing it because he won't want to pay CS.  It's working -  the child is now 5 and not a peep out of the father.  Of course, your SO's situation is totally different since he wants to spend time with his child.  He should get some good legal advice and pursue his rights.  Otherwise he will be jerked around by BM for years.

saruhhh_04's picture

He currently does not pay CS. According to SO's mother, BM claimed that the baby was not SO's and disassociated from him throughout the pregnancy. Then once SS was born, she gave him SO's surname and started claiming he was the father...but still would not let him sign the certificate. She hasn't even mentioned child support to him. Which in my opinion, all seems a little bizarre considering the things that she does say to him.

I will be discussing this with him tonight once SS is asleep. He needs to take action now!

oneoffour's picture

I hate to say it but I think SO may have doubts he is this boys father. And if it turns out he isn't then he loses seeing this little boy he has grown to love. But in saying that isn't the boy entitled to know who his father is? Swab the inside of SOs and SSs cheeks and send off for testing. You can buy the kits online. It really isn't difficult and no blood is required.

Maria10's picture

1. Get dna asap my understanding from extensive reading.

If he is on certificate but not the bio father and establishes this with dna test he can still get visitation if an appropriate number of years has passed during which he acted as a father. In this scenario he would be off the hook for CS but could get some visitation rights legally.

If not on birth cert and dna shows him as the dad he is on hook for Cs and the court would put him on birth cert immediately unless he gets granted custody in which case she gets visitation(not unheard of) and she pays Cs.

3. Consult lawyer or mediator at the court.

All of this going round seems like a lot of fearbased reaction from your So. And does not benefit the kid whatsoever.

Just do it! Get the dna....