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The big move

VNichol's picture

Hi guys! Things have been good since BM is in jail. She had been in the county going on 3 months. She was ultamately sentenced to 8m is State mandated rehabilitation. Basically a jail type of setting rehab. She hasn't gone there yet for teatment and is still trying the usual love letters/ blame game through mail. Not bothered by it.  She wrote " I wish you would just answer a phone call and work on co-parenting with me." LMAO what kind of co-parenting can a person do from behind bars????? 


Ok here is the reason why I need y'all's input on the big move. I take care of my disabled mom and she is pretty much independent for the most part. Meaning she can do the activities of daily living on her own unless she gets sick then I have to physically do everything for her. I also provide 100% financial support for living. She lives in my apartment we shared from before I got in this relationship 2years ago. Now it's a financial  struggle for my BF and a little for myself too. Should I move my mom in the house? 

It was BF idea to move her in last year but It was too soon for that. I have written down the pros and cons of it all and I'm still upon the air about it. He is having financial issues and I want to help but it means I would be taking away from my mom. He knew before I moved in that I take care of my mom. Just like I knew he was a package deal when I got in the relationship. For him, his son comes first and for me my mom comes first. We both work extra and still just barley making it. It put stress on the relationship because we are both tired at times for intamacy when we are in the mood (at different times.) We are communicating more about alot of things. 

I don't want to uproot my mom and it not work out. 


SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I know you love your mom but working and looking after her seems like a burden.  Does she have SSI or whatever? Is there an adult living place for her with caregivers?

VNichol's picture

She is on dialysis and has qualified for benefits because of it. She has Medicaid witch covers just about 100% of medical bills and medication except 1 but it's $4. Because of her age, she doesn't qualify for Medicare and she does receive $500 monthly through SSID, she gets $189 for food stamps Wich is not enough for a cardiac,diabetic and renal diet restrictions. Basically none of the cheaper food/canned foods are good for her so it's fresh or frozen fruit and veggies, Turkey & chicken meats with little red meats and NO pork. It gets expensive. 

So I'm on top of all that assistance I can get but Its still nowhere nearly enough for me to live on independent from my income. I have siblings that do not regularly pitch in but when I NEED it, I ask and I get it. Like my oldest brother is going to get me a newer vehicle than my 01 Jeep. So I get some help from them but not like it should be. Their idea of helping is to move mom an hour away to his place and switch her dialsys and 6 specialist she sees. NOT GONNA WORK!!!!!! Different county means different county benefits. I worked too hard to get her in the specialist and programs she is in now. Plus she don't drive and who will take her where bshe needs to go while they are at work????? Not beneficial to mom AT ALL.  I'm also I believe that some of her beniftis will lessen if she moves in. The state will base it on a household combine income. 

Don't get my wrong I STRUGGLE TOO financially some times but that is were my older brothers step up. I definitely budget my ass off all the time. It doesn't include a car note or full coverage insurance, that's why my brother is taking care of that for me because I take care of mom. 

I want her to have her own life too without me and her living together. I need a life without living with her too..... 

I'm definitely going to look into housing bit not put her in a facility. I would never do that unless medically necessary.

notarelative's picture

BE is having a financial struggle and suggested you move your mom in to help with the struggle. Well that will help BF, but will it help you and your mom? Only you can answer that question. (My guess is no. My guess is that if you do this , you will end up shouldering a larger amount of expenses.)

If mom is disabled, has she applied for SSI and other assistance? If you are not sure what is available try talking to the social worker at the local senior center (most have them). They may not be able to help you if mom is not a senior, but they can point you in the right direction.

VNichol's picture

I'm definitely on top of ALL the assistance sh can receive. That's not the issue anymore, I worked my but off and was on the phone to her state care worker for every hospital admission and condition changes she had. 


BF believes that the MAN is the provider for the household and is responsible for taking care of his woman and children. I don't disagree at all with. I do not pay any bills here in the house, I do provide what I can in other ways ie. groceries, toiletries, cleaning supplies, misc things around th house to make it OUR HOME. I contribute for our little weekend vacation trips too when he don't have enough. So I do my fair share of providing, also cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the home. 

I don't believe I would be taking on a large financial load but I just don't see the point of doing it if I'm not married to the man. The house is in his name and pays morgage, if something were to happen to him in the ex wife gets the house for their child. I would be kicked out this house so quick it ain't even funny. Then she will probably sell it for crack $$$....LMAO sad but true. 

So no I do not wish to pay for a home that is not even mine. 

If mom does move in then I would be catching up on MY debt and saving MY extra for a rainy day. Not such bad idea but I do not want to uproot my mom at All if I'm not married to bhim or have a steak in this house. 

GoingWicked's picture

I would insist on marriage.  If you want stability, it’s a lot harder to back out on.   And even if you do get married, 67% of second marriages end in divorce.  Sorry, it’s not very likely your mom will have stability if you move her in with your BF.

futurobrillante99's picture

Whose house is it? Is it a rental where you and your BF live? If it's your BF's house, DO NOT move your mom in there because if things go belly up, your mom has been uprooted from friends and neighbors where she used to live only to have to move again.

It sounds like you're the more financially stable one and you're carrying your BF.

I would honestly get a larger apartment WITH your mom - just the two of you - but large enough for the BF and son to stay there. Then you can kick his behind out if he continues to have "financial problems."

You should not be carrying your boyfriend and his kid financially. Your mom may not have long left for this world. Please don't complicate her life.

I'm sure your BF wants her to move in so you can spend more money on him and his son.

VNichol's picture

You are right and have valid points. 

He bought his house vwithbhis ex wife. In the divorce he got the house because he pays for he house. If anything were to happen to him he house goes to the ex-wife for their son. I would be kicked out so quick and she would sell he house for Meth. Her drug of choice. 

I told him I want my name on the  house, so I feel secure at the place i call home. I told him I want stability and security meaing I want to be married to him before I make any big moves. 

I tell him, I'm just the girlfriend, if your not at a place in your life where you don't want to be married of have more childeren I need to know. I can be the girlfriend from my apartment where I have security there. I can be our girlfriend from there. Ieel like I'm being used. I take on him and his son, oh and his dad when he asks and I'm just a girlfriend! I feel like I do so much for him and do not get what I want in return. Stability and security from a man who claims that he wants to marry me and have more kids with. 

He thinks I HAVE to live here with him in order bto his girlfriend....... NOPE I don't!  I choose to be her because  I want to l. I want to show him what a good woman does for her family. He has yet to see that. There at still good woman in this worldl. He has to make me feel loved and appreciated not used. Our sex life is in the toilet because it too. 

Maybe it's time for that discussion again!!!!! If your not ready to marry me or put a baby in my belly, I need to go!  

I spend my entire younger years trying not to fall for some dumbasses lies and not get pregnant ( just to end up antoer statistic) and the man I WANT to marry and have kids with DOESN'T. How ironic.....LMAO!!!!



susanm's picture

No way!  If things don't work out, it will be hard enough on you.  Can you imagine how hard it would be on your disabled mother to suddenly have to be move?  Especially if it is after a decline in the relationship with all of the tension and fighting and general unpleasantness around the house that goes with it.  Not a good atmosphere for anyone but definitely not for an adult who can't leave on their own when they are sick of it.  And if this is your BF's house, you have few rights and your mother would have even less.  Putting her at risk because of his finances would be a terrible disservice to her.