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Possible trigger (encounter

Mumofsix22's picture

Mumofsix22's picture

I have high conflict ex and fiance has high conflict ex also. They have formed an “allegiance” joint hate of me basically for… moving on with my life and being happy in my current relationship. The ex wife particularly has don’t anything possible to separate us, racist toward me and my kids, and told me she’ll never be civil with me… fine no worries.

Fast forward over 3 years. To my horror my 8 year old daughter has opened up and said she has been exposed to groomers online with her her step sister. They were sobbing devasted scared at what they’ve seen on screen and don’t understand. I’m glad she opened up and spoke with police etc all relevant parties and obviously we shared with the other parents. Now ex wife is saying that step sister the same age is spending “too much” time with my daughter (ironically after constant complaints my partner doesn't have the children enough as his contact is 8.5 days a month average overnights on CO and rest at request) and the influence is negative on her and they need to talk about it. She’s threatening to end contact basically. 

I’m mortified about this and also devastated that the children have been exposed and removed all iPads and phones technology they had access to until we have taught more on protection and predators etc. 

I am used to being blamed as the “next wife” for whatever but my 8 year old? We are a home, no drinking or drugs, both employed hard working people, provide the children with a multitude of experiences and yes then let them have some time on devices but do not police and watch them constantly, as it’s unrealistic… they have parent controls and limits that have somehow been bypassed which can happen anywhere. The ex wife literally leaves the eldest 12 year old with the 8 and 3 year old home alone to go the gym and tells dad he’s an idiot for thinking it’s a concern. We have never ever left the children alone at home but of course they have been alone in their rooms! 

How do we even respond to this situation and accusation? She has framed it as “he’s putting their children in danger” when he is here with us and parents a baby with me and we are very comfortable that we do everything in our power to be good parents and risk? It’s as though we’ve sold the children to an online ring. None of us nor the children have been exposed (knowingly) to this point but I believe step daughter would never of spoken up if my daughter didn’t…

Yesterdays's picture

What happened was a serious thing that scared everyone and rightly so. I would take all the devices away at this point and I wouldn't leave them alone with any device. I would also suggest counseling for the children that experienced that.


Mumofsix22's picture

In what way have I taken it lightly? I have engaged the police and taken their devices and engaged all parents and schools.  What more can possibly be done? Enlighten me.

ESMOD's picture

I think that she meant when you were letting them have access to devices.. and weren't policing it.  But, if I am reading correctly.. the children do not have any access at all (which is appropriate).. right now.  And.. I think that it's fairly clear that going forward.. you do need to police their use of electronics.. and only allow use while you are actively using it with them.. so for now.. no allowing "screen time" on them without you watching.

I might also only allow games to be played in airplane mode.. so if they want to play a game.. there is zero connection to the internet.  Games with player interraction should be off limits for them at this point.. to protect them because they are probably a few years at least away from knowing how to keep themselves safe.

Mumofsix22's picture

Ahh right ok. We do police the devices, we have parent controls on all of them. The iPad has a restriction to under 10 year old content and the police explained it is a loophole whereby they have accessed a web browser that comes under the guise of a site to play magic tricks like tik tok and the screen obviously doesn't pick up this content.  They have previously accessed internet as they play with school friends etc on Roblox previously or even websites the schools give out for maths. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is a scary situation, but it sounds like you had done quite a bit to keep the kids safe and responded appropriately when your BD came to you. People who want to do bad things will figure out how to do those bad things no matter what. Even if you were watching over their shoulder on that app, it wouldn't have stopped this groomer. You just would have known about it slightly faster. 

BM can raise all the hell she wants (and she will), but I'm not sure that she'll get much traction. The kids weren't physically harmed, and I assume the mental harm is fairly minimal (unless this has been going on for a long time).

If you feel it necessary, have a consultation with an attorney. That's really the most you can do, aside from what you're already doing with police and what you plan to do with therapy.

Mumofsix22's picture

This is how I feel like we do everything possible to protect them it's just a horrible situation for all. It was a one day situation in which someone has exposed themselves and told the children they will find them and tell their parents etc if they ever tell anyone. Anonymous and no way to track it back. But the site itself still exists and there are genuine normal and nice people there I imagine using it. My heart is breaking for my little girl who is being blamed by his ex wife even though it's her who bravely spoke up for help. I will be letting her chat about it if it becomes a persistent emotional problem but I think as it stands she feels proud for sharing and knows the man was naughty and the police will look for him. That's the only age appropriate things that can be done at this point. 

Winterglow's picture

FWIW, I am impressed that a child of her age actually told an adult. Good work, mamma, your child was scared, knew she'd done something not so good but still came to you and told you.

Rags's picture

You obviously are a great parent to be raising a young lady who has the confidence and self awareness to bring the on line grooming situation to you.  Not many 8yos would.  Great job Mom!!!!

As for your X and your DH's X. Go for their throats.

Tolerate no more of their bullshit. Drag their asses to court any and every time they ply their lies, etc..

Defamation suits, cease and decist orders, contempt motions if they violate the CO in any way, submit for an RO/PO to keep them in their shit filled boxes.

That SPs tolerate any crap from the X of their SO has always been mind boggling to me.  I made my fondest hobby keeping the SpermClan embarrassed, in court, humiliated in their community, jobs, church, etc....  DW was on board with my hobby when she finally gained clarity that taking it easy on them on the naive perspective that they would not take it out on the SKid during SpermLand visiation did not work.  They took it out on him anyway. Even once she gained that clarity, she would take her foot off of their throats every couple of years on the naive perspective that "They have not ovestepped in a couple of years. I think they have learned their lesson."  As soon as she would give an inch, they would immediately jump on their historic crap band wagon.  A few of the 2 year cycles finally locked my DW into zero tolerance for their crap. Ever.

So, together we pummelled them into submission any time they would climb out from under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool.

To prepare SS to protect himself from their crap, when they lied, manipulated, etc... him, we reviewed the facts with him in an age appropriate manner. Eventually he was as much of an expert on the CO, etc... as we were.  They hated that, but.... they also backed off on the PAS, lies, and manipulations.  By they time he was in his mid teens, he would call them out to their faces on their lies, etc when they would go after him, his mom, me or make shit up about the CO, visitation schedule, CS, etc, ewhile he was on SpermLand visitation.

"That is not true. I read the CO/etc... all of the time. That is not what it says. It says XYZ LMNOP. Why do you lie about that stuff?"

Thats my boy!!!!

Proud dad.


He is now 30, doing great in life, keeps his SpermClan on a very tight leash regarding their periodically perpetrated crap, and knows full well that he has to protect himself from them or they will resurect their historic stuff.

He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by 3 different baby mamas. #2 (~25) is on the dole, #3 (~23) is in prison, and #4 (~21)is not far behind #3.

It breaks my heart that my son's heart is broken by the failed adults who ruined the lives of his younger sibs.

For clarification, he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen giving us papers clearly stating what has always been the case since just before he turned 2yo.

Lifer33's picture

To your daughter and her ss, its stomach turning. Hope they will be OK.

As hurtful as it is , I would try and disregard bm blaming your daughter. A high conflict or bats/t bm would do that. However, a normal bm would want an explanation of what happened, and reassurance that it will never happen again. 

Just in my humble opinion, that is what I would do. Write an email or letter explaining what happened, and the exact steps you are taking to ensure it never happens again. Whether you have to get a legal person to write it idk. But given that, I don't see how she can rightfully stop contact? Especially if the girls no longer have access to any tech at your house.

Mumofsix22's picture

Thanks for your replies.

We have taken all steps and no more internet for the time being for the little ones. Calmed down our end however stepkids parent escalating PA it seems.

Children just been collected for visitation, I noticed teen has been very snarky past few days. BM has been screaming and shouting at her etc allegedly because she wants to spend time with us (mainly her dad obviously) over Easter. You get daughter is stating she's not allowed on her holiday with us in June and also that she thought her dad wasn't coming as he doesn't like her anymore. Sigh.