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Update and maybe seeing the light…

Mumofsix22's picture

On my last post. In comment s



Mumofsix22's picture

This month it has all came to a head. The persistent alienation from toxic ex wife (mainly of me as stepmom) and this being carried into our home life and environment. Partner has finally reached out for counselling. I e had my first session his is this week then we join together next week. So far I wasn't feeling it would be fruitful but that was in my misery of what the situation was. 

I have made it clear that asking for the stepkids and mine to stay separate I agreed to because it was another way I enabled him to avoid facing his reality and placing boundaries with his alienated teen. I made it clear he should be present with our shared son and I will no longer allow our son to play on the fence with him sharing homes but in a supposed intact family. He will be home with me always and not "shared". We have some time for that to be figured out. In the meantime, the young daughter made it clear to me teen said she's not visiting anymore because she said she hates me.... when she inevitably reached out to dear daddy for money for lunch with friends (she's 13) he declined. And told her behaviour is unacceptable, and she reaches out only when she wants cash.... to which the guilt trip kicked in.., you're leaving me without money and this is her fault... so you're leaving me cause I don't like her etc etc he said no because she was argumentative, hitting her younger sister and yes disrespect me on behalf of her mum wanting to change contact drop off unexpectedly without us knowing. he asked why she doesn't like me, is there something I have done that hurts her to which she said something wish washy along the lines of "she doesn't like me and I don't like her" result is that she has blocked him now.

we spoke about it and i commended him for placing a boundary he knew he was going to get backlash from and highlighted how easily she was able to point the finger back at me and then pull her love away.

my question at this point. I know it's a cycle he has been in before with her but never has it been at the point in which she's starting to reject contact. I guess our options are for her to not come and the younger children still enjoy their time together and we work alongside that in her own time to address issues or for her to come and be removed from the home and situation every time she becomes volatile and argumentative towards me.... and the other 5 children endure it? 

it will come up for discussion very soon I imagine 


Survivingstephell's picture

I've been in your shoes, but the ex's didn't unite against us. He had 4, I had 3 and we had one together.  The skids were always a handful but it escalated to OSS choking my OBD (they were 13/14 at the time). We had no idea it happened until my oldest called her dad to get her and she was gone from church.  He called the cops and there were finally consequences. After that conversation, OSS was given the option to either follow our house rules or not come over.  He stopped coming over.  THe rest of the kids were relieved and we had good visits for awhile.  BM couldn't have that though so she kept up her campaign of hate.  OSD at 16 jumped her dad when he took her phone away and she broke his shoulder. YSS came at him with a steak knife during that.  The next two were gone.  Only one left was YSD and she is the only one who is still in contact with DH.  They are now all adults in their 20's.  

My advice is to call out the drama. Set the tone of your house jointly with DH, lay down the law about what that is with all the kids and stick to it.  Write it down and post it on the fridge.  Ask the kids why would your other parent say that, do that and help them figure it out.  Not by telling them but asking critical thinking questions. Send them back with questions.  Ask them why that parent chose you to be their other parent.  Good enough to marry and make kids but now is horrible?? Does not compute.  Right!?  

Also, if they want the benefits that come with your home (trips,gifts,etc) then they follow your rules and act accordingly to your tone that was spelled out.  Do not chase them, reward them or bribe them.  Live in a healthy way. Do not buy into the toxicity the ex's are throwing at you.  Live in the reality and facts of the situation.  Explaining it in age appropriateness.  Own your life.  Boundaries around your home are vital.  Toxic people are not allowed in. Either you are friends of the marriage/family or you're not.  Stop reacting and start being proactive.  

The biggest joy of being an adult is choosing your lifestyle.

Marriage is the priority.  Kids are a responsibility.  Keep that straight, those kids will grow up and leave the nest.  Your spouse should still be there when they do and you want to be happy about the fact, not worn down from the battle.  

It's not been easy for us but we are almost 19 years together and we are still together.  It got a lot easier when the last skid aged out of CO and CS ended.   5yeats of therapy with some gifted therapists was essential to our success, especially for DH.  

Rags's picture

We were the CP household so CS stopped on SS's 18th B-day.  It was never significant for us.  

The change was going from a constant background tension due to SpermClan/SpermGrandHag toxicity to nothing. It was almost as if we were going through withdrawals.  Not that either of us would know what that is like.

I have no BKs so we did not have multiple SKid dynamics and multiple former breeding partner Xs to deal with. SS was/is an only child in our marriage.

As for uniting.  If you and your partner are united and are overwhelmingly aggressive in confronting your Xs to the point that they would wilt into a corner in terror at the thought of irritating you and your partner, you may find that things become more tolerable for your side of the situation. The same applied for toxic kids.  They get no say. They visit per the schedule. PERIOD! DOT.  They comply with stanards of behavior and standards of performance or they live an escalating existance of abject misery. 

Do not tolerate a toxic kid to ruin one second for anyone else in the mix.  And do not let them control anything.  

5 in a yours/mine/ours marriage has to be hell when Xs and and kids forget their place and have to be pummelled into submission with an intense misery inducing reminder anytime they forget their place.

IMHO of course.

I applaud that DH is not catering to SD-13's crap.  It is good to see a man/father with a spine.

Good luck.

Take care of you.