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Kiwi_koala's picture

How often is normal for Co-parents to communicate about the children? 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

It really depends on the situation.  My ex and I co-parent well together so we communicate quite frequently.  We have 50/50 custody and have no major issues.  Also, we have firm boundaries in place and do not talk about anything other than our kids.

My DH and BM have a very toxic relationship and she tramples all over boundaries.  My husband has 90% custody so he makes most decisions without BM.  He keeps his communication to a minimum with her.  She constantly tries to confide in him but he shuts that down.

In my experience, if the co-parenting relationship is toxic, the less communication, the better.

Kiwi_koala's picture

What do you consider to be quite frequently? It seems like my boyfriend is in communication at least every couple of days somehow with his ex. 

momjeans's picture

In the beginning, post divorce, DH and BM texted one another dozens of times a day. DOZENS. I’d say 90% of that communication was initiated by BM and DH was simply responding to her every thought and question, but all of those texts could have easily been condensed down to 1-3 texts. I know this to be true because when the crap hit the fan regarding communication, a lot of the time it being high conflict, DH printed out ALL of the text communication and let me read it. 

When BM wasn’t being high conflict, a lot of it was just attention seeking with BM wanting to 1) still feel, or hold some sort of legit relevance in DH’s world, and 2) to take time away from our relationship - especially when skid was with her and not us, because she knew we were building a relationship together.

In my opinion, and in my experience, if someone makes over communication with an ex significant other a priority it is a choice. 

People almost always have the option to not jump at someone’s every text/call/email. Self-regulation is not that hard once you (general “you”) put forth the effort to only respond once a week, or whatever, if it’s not a medical emergency or a time sensitive matter. 

Eventually, they moved communication to email and he only respnded when absolutely necessary. When BM was running late for drop off/pick up, she had to contact DH via text and it was glorious.

Now? We live across the county from BM and skid. DH hasn’t communicated with BM in forever. Mostly that’s because they don’t get along and it turns into a browbeating match. DH’s mother is his unwitting messenger. LOLOLOL


Kiwi_koala's picture

I agree that if it's initiated by BM it's usually to feel important in her ex's life. When your SD was younger did he have to call the mother to interact with his daughter or did she just go to her grandparents and they called your DH? 

My boyfriend and his ex aren't close to their families and are always in contact in some way asking about the kids or some question regarding whatever plan. I find it really annoying and excessive. My bf also showed me a picture of the ex and his daughter that she sent him of them last month which really rubbed me the wrong way.

Kiwi_koala's picture

4 to 13 but 3 of the older ones have a phone so he doesn't talk to their mom much. It's the younger two ugh.