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I'm stuck!!!!!!

VNichol's picture

How do I tell my BF I need to pull back from everything!

In his eyes if I'm his GF and serious about the relationship, I NEED to live with him. 

My perspective is that I am his GF, I can live at my apartment and still maintain a relationship with him. If he want more serious relationship then he needs to make a commitment. By that I would like a proposal and a ring. We don't need to run out and get married but I want to be engaged by now. I should have listened to my grandpa.....He passed in 2009 but I still hear his voice in the back of my head, " You do not live with any man unless you are married. Your giving away everything and he don't have to marry you!" He was super old-school man. It has come down to me completely shutting down when he wants to talk. We are not intamte at all, NO I'm not getting it from anywhere else......lol! 

I choose him to settle down with because he is a family man and I know he will do right by me. I love him and his son but I need a break to recharge. I know I need to ask myself the serious questions about this relationship. 

I dont want to looses him but I don't want to live with him. 

If I move out again then that's it for the relationship, he think I have abondoned him and his son. 

I'm just stuck and don't know what to do or how to tell him. 

Comments

SecondNoMore's picture

Why do you want a proposal and a ring from someone who you are having so many issues with, including not wanting to be intimate and apparently not being able to communicate how you really feel about your relationship? This should be the fun, easy part of the relationship.  Do you read comments from all of the SMs on this site that tell everyone to run? They ignored the red flags that a relationship wasn't quite right, too. The best next step is a step back from the relationship, not pushing it forward.

Can I just say how frustrating it is on this site to read story after story where someone describes a relationship that clearly isn't working and then talks about having a baby with or marrying the person. So disheartening to read so much of that.

VNichol's picture

I want sign or something that Is telling me that this relationship is moving forward and not just here to be a "fill in" for whatever HE wants. 

NO, marriage or having a baby is NOT going to change my relationship issues. I am at a point in my life where I WANT thoes things with the man I have been living with just about for 2 years. I'm at that stage In my life  where I thought he was too but I guess not. Now I have to make a tuff decision to go or stay and work on it. He has been married he has done the baby thing, I havent! I want it to experience it but I'm not desperate enough to continue on with a hostile environment. Stupid is not my middle name......lol

WHAT RELATIONSHIP DOSENT HAVE PROBLEMS? 

SecondNoMore's picture

You may be at that stage of your life, but he may not be the right guy to do those things with. Honestly, I think this site is filled with examples of what happens  when people try to force something because it was ‘time’ to get married or have a kid and the negative consequences of forcing those things with the wrong person.

And, yes, relationships have problems, but you have to know what your deal-breakers are. I wish you luck working through what’s best for you.

VNichol's picture

Yup that is different way of saying it. He's not at that stage in life.

I'm not rushing a marriage or an baby but i want to know I'm not just settling for an already made family. This is where I'm stuck..."Could he be the wrong person?"

I'm 35 and  I NEVER seen myself having a child or getting married but my perspective has changed since being with my BF. 

I need to just back off a bit because I'm overwhelmed. When I try to talk to him and let him know thats the way I'm feeling at the moment. He takes it as I'm saying they are a burden on me........ So when I do try to speak up he interprets it negatively. I've worked on the wording and delivery of it all but he seems to get upset. That's why I need space.......he don't get my perspective on the situation at times. 

Thank you, and I hope he can understand I don't wanna leave him I just need my space. 

futurobrillante99's picture

If your need for space and time to think causes him to react with guilt trips and threatening the end of the relationship (if he doesn't get what he wants), then he does NOT respect you or care about your needs. He is being manipulative and selfish if he expects you to compromise your comforts to do things his way.

The sign of a strong relationship that has a better than average shot at succeeding is one where people discuss their issues, care about the feelings and needs of each other, and work to find a good compromise.

If you cannot discuss and compromise, and you feel as though your feelings and needs aren't important to him, you are in a doomed relationship.

Petronella's picture

Maybe every relationship has problems, but in good relationships these problems are small and other things make up for them. In a good relationship both people feel happy and secure. 

If the relationship hasn’t progressed and improved in two years, what do you think is going to change in another year or five years?

Listen to your gut. Move out, get your own place and clear your head. 

VNichol's picture

Yes your correct alot if it is small potatoes and I have learned to pick your battles when it come see to some things. We have an opportunity to correct things and build a stronger foundation of our relationship so when BM gets out of jail we can handle that mess of a person. He is doing everything I have asked of him and is opening to me more. I'm not faulting just him, I'm the one NOT trying at the moment. This is where I'm trying to figure out if I want to continue and move forward. I've shut down completely and he's fusterated to the max about it. 

This is where I need a little more time to have my moment of "ugh why try, or just disengage completely" I never let my apartment go, I still have my own. My mom lives there because she is considered retired and disabled due to her medical conditions. So Im good on that part, your correct I need to to take a step back and clear my head. 

Thank you advice. That is something I nee to consider too! 

thinkthrice's picture

Why is he so in a hurry?  Perhaps he is low on applicants to be his live in maid, nanny, secretary, cook, laundress, bed buddy, paralegal and financial backer of his former family?

StrawberryPie's picture

If you have having these feelings now, listen to them!  Listen to your gut. It's telling you something for a reason.  You get to have all that you want in life - a great career, friends, partner.  You do not need to settle.  

Kiwi_koala's picture

I agree with your grandfather Smile I'm kind of old school as well. I actually have personal experience with this. I lived with my boyfriend for about 14 months before I moved out. I thought it would destroy our relationship, but I couldn't live there any longer. First off, I honestly went against my values which is to wait until engagement to live together and secondly there was drama and issues with his kids/custody. Moving out honestly helped my relationship. He does not take me for granted anymore and has more respect for me. If your bf ends things over you wanting to wait then he's not interested in a relationship . He's interested in what is convenient for him. Hang in there :/.

NoThanks's picture

If your boyfriend respects you and truly wants a future with you, he would have no problem proposing. Don’t sign up for wife life and SM life with no further commitment from him. You are NOT stuck. Live independently and build your own life. If he’s committed, he’ll make the proper efforts to stay in your life and commit to you. 

I’ve had several long-term relationships without living with any of my SOs. The beauty is that when the sh@t hits the fan, you can walk away clean. No shared finances, rental agreements, splitting up property. It’s “Deuces Sucka!”

Frustrated future SM's picture

"why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Your grandpa's right. He'll never propose if you move in and start doing everything a wife would do for her husband. I always told my BF I wouldn't live with him before marriage and I've stayed true to my word even now. And like the others have said, if he truly loves you and respects you he won't put pressure on you to move in and he'll respect your decision to live separately, and in the future he'll propose.

Petronella's picture

It’s laughable that your boyfriend “wants a commitment” yet marriage doesn’t seem to have occurred to him.

Stay in your own home, make him come to you. Make him think up ways to date you. If he is actually committed and in love with you, he will rise to the occasion. 

MommyT's picture

In every relationship I have been in, I made sure to be as truthful as possible in my intentions. If the guy stuck, he stuck. If he didn’t then I moved on. You don’t have to marry this guy to have a committed relationship but if that’s what you want then you need to tell him. It’s only fair to him and you.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't think you have to be married to be committed. Divorcees, especially men with children, can be hesitant of entering that legal committment again. They already know marriage may not be forever, and divorce comes with social and financial consequences that can and have ruined people. Not legally entangling yourself seems like a sweet deal if you've been through one hell of a divorce.

If you want to get married because that means commitment to you, then you'll need a new partner. It's not your BF. Whether it's the reason above or something else, he's not wanting to wade into those waters again. His want to have just a long-term partner is just as valid as your want for a husband. That part comes down to a compatibility issue, not a "who has the right philosophy about what makes a commited couple".

You disengaging from your SO and moping about isn't going to get him to genuinely change his mind. If he were to propose now, you'd have to wonder if he did it just to keep you from moving out. You'll brighten up as he shuts down because being married isn't what he wants.

tog redux's picture

Seems like you want to be married just to be married. Why would you commit further to a relationship with no intimacy? Yes, all relationships have problems, but that's a doozie of a problem right there.

Lots of women get married because they want a wedding or they think they should be married, and so they marry the guy they happen to be with, and it's a recipe for disaster.

If he wanted to marry you, he would ask. You shouldn't have to give people ultimatums or move out to get them to marry you, it should happen organically because both parties feel it's the right thing to do, and both parties want it.

Move on, find a guy who wants what you want.

Curious Georgetta's picture

are you giving to him that he is not giving  to you?  If you are giving love, friendship, companion,  mutual pleasure , and shared intimacy , and not receiving those things in return, then perhaps you are being used.

All loving relationships between consenting adults do not necessarily lead to marriage. Your grandfather, wise though he may have been, did not have a very liberated view of women.

It sounds as though you are saying that you need to be married. That is far different from having found someone to whom you want to share your life with and who wants to be married to you.

Marriage should only happens when it is something that both parties want rather than something that one party needs.

Better to move and  find a relationship where you both want the same thing.

You cannot force happiness..

Harry's picture

Your SK can start living with you 24/7/365.  That something to also think about.

Time for the talk.  You have to tell him what you want ,including a baby,   Ring, date, baby ect.  See what his answer is? If he does not want to make you “ happy”: Then it’s time for you to get out. 

Alien's picture

That’s how it was with relationships. My husband never married his x for 10 years and we got married a year after we met.

Your grandpa os so right lol but it’s not about the man. It’s not to make him marry you or propose. It’s for you to CHOOSE your future husband carefully and with no pressure of already living together and having no choice.