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Feeling numb

VNichol's picture

Well I did it, I moved back out to my place. It was a hard decision to make but I could not find my happiness again. Meaning I have done all I can to get this man to hear me. I was brought into an already made family and still I felt like the help. I felt as if I were a "fill in" to him and his son. I completely shut down and all we did was argue because of it. I was only back for  4 months and things slowly went back to what things we're before.

I felt like he treated this relationship like  a social media page. He let me see what only what he wanted me to and not who he really is. I got a good sense of what this man is and he started showing me the shitty side of him. When I pointed it out he didn't like what I had to say. It wasn't too nice but I couldn't hold my breath any longer. I'm sure nobody likes to hear the truth about yourself but in a way it's a good thing too. For myself it lets me know where I'm slacking so I can get back in my game in whatever it is. I know this is only my way of seeing thing so I don't need any criticism please. 

I love this man but I don't like him right now. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do because there is a child involved. He is not my bio but I sure wish he was because having an actual shitty BM is not what he needs. I feel numb to the fact that this might be the end of it. I know I couldn't stay because of the child he isn't mine. I wanted to work on our relationship but he is not willing to try things my way so this may be the end. In my world that little boy will always be mine in my heart and I want to continue to be in his life but his daddy probably will take him completely away from me. 

Feeling numb is better than the pain I had explaining why I will not live there anymore to a 5yrold. I don't know what the future holds for me but I'm ready for it. I think......

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Your bravery will lead to much happiness!!

Be prepared for the tap dancing and guilt trips so that he can get back his laundress,  maid, nanny,  cook,  admin asst., paralegal,  accountant, bed buddy, chauffer, and financial backer of his first family.

Don't fall for any of it!

VNichol's picture

I wasn't scared to leave. I'm scared of being stuck in a relationship that I'm not happy in! 

There was a child involved so I could not take this decision lightly even though he isn't mine. I wanted to be sure it wasn't ME imagining things. I'm not the crazy one!

Want2's picture

‘If you tell a child it’s average and that’s the program, the child cannot exceed average because the brain will say, “this doesn’t make sense”. So no matter how hard that child tries it will unconsciously create average.’

~Dr. Bruce Lipton

 Whatever your brain is telling you, for you to keep repeating this pattern, you need to go down there and change it. Gentle repetition. Each and every time you catch yourself weighing the possibility of changing the narcissist, step up to the mental plate and say stop. Stop yourself cold. This is now a construction zone. Redirect all such thoughts.

What is under construction is your psyche. Yes you will examine the relationship and go further back still. You have to find the script that was programmed in error, like the child with the limiting average belief, and rewrite it. Rewrite it to reflect what you now know and have learned about life and it will take you to new places you never could have imagined. The old you never could have gone there but the new you can. You can.

There is no need to go back to wrestling with this man and you already know he will win. He will never change and you must stop casting pearls before swine.

 You are the pearl.