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No boom boom No communication

VNichol's picture

I hope it's ok to discuss this topic. We have had a huge snag in the bedroom. It not all the time but it happened before and I thought being honest and communicating that i was not being satisfied. My needs aren't beeing met. Before someone says," well maybe its because HIS needs aren't being met!" Um NO, I watch his needs be met Everytime with or without my help. 

My question is, how do I approach the issue to him?

Last night it happened again. He asked me what my problem was and i thought i was being selective with my words. I know words can hurt so i expressed to him that," I'm not being satisfied." He turned thoes 4 words into," so you don't like sex with me,  sex with me is bad all the tume?" 

How can you he just turn  IM NOT BEING SATISFIED into all that? Ive been open to all new things he presented to me and iIhave brought new stuff to him. He said I'm nit initiative, so i took initiative and he loved it and still NO SATISFACTION to me. I have communicated durring and told him what I like or prefer and still he is only satisfying himself. 

What do I do, How do i approach this in a sensitive manner so my words are not misconstrued?


Harry's picture

what you what him to do, In a nice way.  What you need to t be satisfied.  Give a road map 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Has he always been like this? If not, can you figure out what might have changed in the relationship?

In the meantime, rather than telling him, try showing him what works for you.

And google for advice or check out books on the subject.

tog redux's picture

He sounds like a fairly selfish and inconsiderate sexy-time partner! He doesn't notice you aren't having fun, and when you let him know, he get defensive and pouty instead of asking what he can do differently? No wonder you aren't feeling very satisfied.

Kes's picture

I would be more specific, not less.  If he is not hitting the spot he needs to know how to do it right. 

futurobrillante99's picture

For all my XH's flaws, this was NEVER one. In the 4 years I knew him he never left me hanging. My first husband didn't have a clue in this area, but at least he tried to be considerate.

Your partner is being very inconsiderate and cruel, and I would feel very used if I was in your shoes.

somethingwicked's picture

Tell him he is a selfish person in bed.A taker not a giver .Maybe he thinks he is all that ,a real Don Juan.


Tell him what you want and what works for you.

If you guys are bumping uglies then I think ya'll are beyond the bashful stage.And do not fall for that Passive Aggressive trying to make YOU the problem BS~ "you don't like the way I do it ,boohoohoo "or whatever.

Healthy and sucessfully fulfilling  sex  is a 2 way street that strengthens the bonds of love, trust  and relationship.

 Now if he was a giving partner prior and something has changed then there may be  something deeper going on than  a lazy selfish attitude. Like ~could he be cheating?

Or has he recently gained a bunch of weight and lost his mojo? Or his self confidence ?Or his interest or stamina?

If something doesn't work right time to haul him off to the doctor for a checkup of everything. Heart ,lungs ,bloodwork including junk.

It could be ignorance. Lots and lots of "education" and even literature out there  if he needs to learn or a refresher. Sex has been  a popular top 10 topic for centuries.The Kama Sutra  comes to mind.

But don't settle for a little friction when fireworks (and that connection that transcends the bedroom) are on the line.

Start digging and get to the bottom of the issue and good luck.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have a hard time using words to express what I want... I just tend to move his hand, or "force" the position move or tell him to stop moving- let me. LOL 

When I am stressed I have a really hard time... getting there. DH knows that so he will let me take control without making weird for me. Toys can also be helpful. 

Men's egos get hurt fast over sex. It sucks sometimes to try and say- hey, this isn't working for me even though you are into it without hurthing feelings. 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

First you have to decide if it is out of pure selfishness or ignorance. 

If you conclude the issue stems from selfish reasons - not much you can do. (and would be a huge deal breaker for me). If that is the case I would purchase some personal toys and once he is finished I would simply roll over and take out José and begin to exclaim loudly how great he is in bed!

If it is ignorance, find a sexy class! Usually they are all about communication and satisfying your partner in bed. Maybe he just needs to learn a few new tricks but is too embarrassed to admit it :) 

Major Blunder's picture

As one of the few men on the site I will concur that we as a gender are fragile whn it comes to sex/ego and basically pretty much brainless as well, so not defending him in any way but the gender ourselves sometimes we need a little guidance. Some guys are better than others in this department but if you are not getting what you need you need to tell him what you need not that you're not being satisfied, he doesn't know what you need unless you tell him.

If it is the other case that he is selfish and just doesn't care then not much you can do, all the talking in the world will change a selfish sex partner.

Also just because you see him finishing with or without you doesn't necessarily means his NEEDS are being met, his immediate need for release is being met but even with us knuckle draggers there is more to it, and if he is finishing without your help that is also IMHO a red flag that his needs aren't being met either. Men would much rather have a woman than their hand or a latex toy.

Sounds like you both need to have a discussion about this before it gets to far away from you, trust me long periods without sex can be a real drag on a relationship.

Indigo's picture

Great point about the difference between physical release and "needs met." Applies to both partners, IMO

Major Blunder's picture

I agree that does apply to both partners, not a male thing only, we may try to make it seem like it is but it's not .