So I'm noticing, in far too many cases of my own experiences, as well as what I'm reading here... A lot of the StepProblems are actually Relationship problems.

"Duuuuh, Java... duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh..."

Yeah, yah... What I'm seeing is the SKids seem to be less the problem than the BioParents not having healthy relationships with their own kids.

I know divorce can damage that. And I know that kids can get insecure when the folks split everything 50/50, even as amicably as possible.

But also, during the split, the folks tighten up with the biokids, sometimes in "look, I'm the cool one" DisneyParent mode to fulill their own desire for an *unconditional* love from their kids. Did they do it out of guilt for the kids' feelings? Did they do it out of spite for the other parent? Did they do it out of fear of losing their kids? Maybe something else? It'll vary from relationship to relationship. It may even vacillate a little.

Bottom line, with a couple layers of damage, it's surely not healed 100% when the kids meet

 * * * * * * * * * * * * SOMEONE SPECIAL  * * * * * * * * * * * *

that the bioparent brought home. All the insecurities of the divorce being compensated by all the WWWWWONNNNDERFUL bonding the kids and bioparents do, suddenly going from "life's good..." to "HOLY CHUMBUCKET, WE'RE IN THE RAPIDS!" to "Oh, ssssoooo sereeeeeeeene... it's so wonderful, just us!" to "Hey. Yeah, you. Hey..." suddenly the bioparent is taking some of the time away from biokid - a new insecurity, which feels EXTRABAD because the kid had two parents, then two SUPER DEVOTED parents on a time-share basis, to suddenly now, one of the parents is almost an absentee parent. What kid wouldn't feel a little insecure?

But the root problem is still there. The jilted adult has some insecurities in addition to those guilty feelings, and it shows with the Disneylanding (oddly, I coined that word here, and envisioned a Battalion of Marines storming the beach in their landing craft, wearing Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Pluto, and other costumes - I need rest...). That's the biggest thing us SParents are facing, we're having to deal with messed up, sometimes broken - sometimes totaled-out - bioparents who refuse to see THEIR bad parenting. Folks who refuse to merely acknowledge their ex's shortcomings and do their best, but they're still in Disneyland mode.

Maybe call it Knott's Berry Farm mode? Knott's is in Anaheim, just a few blocks from Disneyland, and they certainly are nice - but they live in the shadow of Disneyland. Try though they may, they just don't have the Brand Recognition and never will. so they have The Peanuts as their characters. Hardly inferior, but totally different.

So, now, as StepSpouses, we have to do a little home-brewed CBT on our SOs to wean them from Disneylanding (or KBFing when the other bioparent is Disneylanding) their kids.

Let's face it, home-brew CBTing our SOs is delicate work. I get a lot of push-back, as she refuses to see it. She rationalized taking a 401k loan to get her kids on a cruise ship for spring break. I could go on and on about all that and many more tings, but this is getting ridiculous. Last night, I caught myself being as delicate as I could to get her to the riverbank of truth, and she looked right at the reflection and called it a beautiful mirror. Thing 1 plays baseball, but not at the same level as the others - and he doesn't LIVE IT. When he's home, he plays Fortnite with a couple of loser idiots he knows and doesn't work out, so he's still a weak runner, has a shorter and slower throw, and really is being surpassed by everyone. Even when coach wants all the boys to rake the clay after practice, he'll hide out in the dugout to chit-chat with another kid until coach says something. So I SO GENTLY suggested, "Well, some kids, not all, are more dedicated to what coach tells them to do. When coach says to bring him a bucket of baseballs, the usual suspects are the first to do it - and the same old ones are the ones who will pretend they didn't hear him. You know that you can't TEACH initiative, it's something that's INSTILLED, at home. And every time, it's the same kids, and they have the same approaches to the game as they do to everything in life. You can tell from the moment their family vehicle arrives and the doors pop open, till the time you don't see their tail lights anymore. The way they play says little about who they are - but the WAY they ARE predicts how HARD they'll TRAIN, how much they'll sactrifice to achieve greatness. And it all starts at home." She still didn't get how I was talking about BEHAVIORS, and how I wanted her to look at WINNING behaviors, then look at Thing 1's behaviors, and then COMPARE.

Well, I'll keep working at it. I can't fix thing 1 or Thing 2. DW might be able to, however she'll have to fix herself first by recognizing how she's missing some opportunities. But I still might not get it across...