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I have about given up...

Dee's picture

Today was very hurtful and discouraging. My BF and I were to pick up the SD at her therapist's this afternoon and be able to meet with him for a few minutes to discuss some concerns we have. We have done this once before and I was welcomed into the discussion. When we arrive BF is ushered into his office and I spot BM with SD in there as well. I am left cooling my heels in the waiting room. I sat there for 45 minutes and could feel my blood pressure rising.

By the time BF, BM and SD came out 45 minutes later you could have fried an egg on my *ss I was so steamed. The therapist says to me "I appreciate you being so patient, Dee, and waiting out here while we met." I didn't say anything back to him for fear of what I would say. I then followed him back into his office and told him I did not understand nor appreciate why I was excluded from the meeting when I am expected to be a caregiver and parental figure for this child every weekend, yet are being kept out of the conversation about how best to handle things. He said he was "performing a case study on how SD interacts with BM and BF when they are together." I replied well, I am part of that equation. He said that was his call to make. Excuse me, but when are BM and BF together with SD?? Never!! So what does seeing them for 45 minutes together with SD going to do exactly?

The thing that really irks me the most is I feel like BF did not stick up for me, to include me in the meeting. I would have expected him to insist I be included as I am a part of this whole equation and I am expected to deal with all the issues SD has BECAUSE of BMs trainwreck of a life, but apparently I am not good enough to be a part of the solution??!! If BF had purposely tried to hurt me, he couldn't have done a better job than he did tonight. I felt like I was kicked to the curb and he stood there and allowed it to happen without saying a word.

Ladies, tell me if I am off base here and just feeling hurt in being excluded. I also wonder if BM had anything to do with my being excluded, as she and I have few words for each other. It makes me want to just totally back away from any dealings with BM and SD. Let BF deal with it on his own. I will just be his mate, focus on our relationship and life together and he can deal with the rest.

Comments

OldTimer's picture

Sometimes the interact is pure and simple... sometimes it's really hard to look at the equation when all parties are involved. I agree with BIOMOM and there are occasions when the therapist really does just want to focus on JUST the parents.

When I would get worried is when it because a habit, routine. See if it happens the next time, then I think that you would have more reason to be concerned.

The other possible thing is that perhaps the session was about you, not directly, but indirectly. He could have possibly wanted to see how BM acts differently if you're not present. It's not uncommon. Body language is a powerful thing, and if BM or SD, or BF display different body languages, he may want to see how that changes.

I understand your frustrations of feeling left out. You certainly have every right to feel that way. I am a little concerned that the therapist didn't come rightly out in the beginning to explain to you though, so you won't be sitting there worried. That's puzzling.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Realist's picture

they are no longer together? Why is it so important to see how she interacts will them at the same time? Am I missing something? If you have her every weekend with BF then shouldn't the therapist see how she interacts with you and him?????

Sounds like the therapist needs a bit of therapy Smile

I'd be upset too. But you know, I probably wouldn't even go. You're a better woman than me. I've given up trying to sort out SD's problems. They are the responsibility of BF and BM.

Realist's picture

I agree with everything you've said. However, this too, is a place to vent and people sometimes benefit from knowing that they are not abnormal for feeling a certain way in a particular situation.

My comment was directed for the original poster and for what it's worth, I don't agree that Dee should have been required to attend the therapy session if she was going to be asked to sit in the waiting room. If the therapist is a professional he surely should have some forethought about who is going to be necessary in his next session. If Dee was not needed, i'm sure that she had better things to do with her time.

I agree, this therapy is about the SD. That's great. But that's a different issue to the one posed by Dee. Smile

Candice's picture

My ss is totally manipulative, and is always trying to piss someone off by playing adults against one another. Whether it's bm against bd, or bm against sm, or bm's bf against bm, or gramdma (bm's mother) against bm...the list goes on.

I have a working relationship with our therapists, he was mine before I introduced him to ss, and there are a lot of instances that I perceived things to be one way, and they really were not intended by others as I perceived them to be.

I could see the therapist wanting to see how she answers certain questions when bm and bd are together. Also, one thing my therapist always reminds is that kids of divorce all want the same thing: they want their parents back together. Also, another idea of why the therapist wanted to see bf w/o you is, maybe bm had complaints of how bf is as a father, and the therapist wanted to see bf's reaction to sd w/o your presence. Maybe the therapist was testing bm. In my situation, I have a habit of making bm feel very uncomfortable (unintentional). I am a very assertive woman, knowing this, I have to back off once in a while, otherwise, bm shuts down and won't talk, just yells, and then the results are terrible.

If I were in that situation, knowing what I know about our therapists and how professional he is, I would not take it personal, and I wouldn't be mad at bf either. Maybe what you should do is schedule yourself a one on one appointment with that therapist and tell him/her how frustrated and hurt you felt by being excluded. They can't give you the details of that meeting, but they can explain their purpose behind it.

I know the feeling of being the mother when bm is always creating train wrecks. I KNOW that feeling, so I can imagine how hurt you felt not being included in the resolution. If you like this therapist, and feel this person has provided your family with good results, then I would just exercise faith that this person was having a meeting w/o you with good intentions. Just b/c you were not included doesn't mean the therapist is against you. I know it feels like that sometimes, but they really arent (unless you don't have a good one).

I hope I helped you,
Candice

Dee's picture

I do have a sneaking suspicion that BM may have had something to do with my being excluded and here's why. The therapist's office is in the same building as BM office. The BM had the SD seeing the therapist for about 6 months before we even knew she was seeing him. The BM was hiding the SD visits because the SD was seeing the therapist because of issues at BM house and BM didn't want us to know of them. The BM is ALSO seeing this therapist for herself (and I also have a sneaking suspicion the BM sessions are sometimes charged off to the SD / BF insurance, but that's another issue), which I think is a conflict of interest.

I'm not real confident in this therapist, as you can tell, but unfortunately, that's not really my battle to fight. It is between BM and BF. It's very frustrating sometimes to be the SM because you have to deal with all the bullsh*t but have no control over anything. I would almost bet BM said something to the therapist about her being uncomfortable with me in there. Like Candice, I am assertive too and probably intimidate BM to a degree.

Anyway, I also agree with all of you who said BF was taken off guard. Neither one of us was expecting this and I know it wasn't fair to be so upset with BF. Realist was on target when she said the therapist could have been more professional about the whole thing. If he had come out to the waiting room when we arrived and explained his intentions I could have handled it alot better. Instead he sends SD out to get BF and that was the last I saw of them for 45 minutes. Actually I had worked later during the week in order to take off early Friday to meet with the therapist, so that really steamed me too. BF plans to e-mail the therapist about this incident and explain our (my) displeasure and to be more forthcoming in the future.

We shall see what happens in the future, but to be honest it does make me hesitant to be involved.