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So and I got into a fight

Mrs.Marvel's picture

I told SO that it might be a good idea to get the skids a new therapist, he agreed to that, but when I asked him about taking the tough approach with his kids, he got pretty defensive, saying that last time we did that, he didn't get to see them for nearly a month, and he's not doing that again. Okay that  part I can understand, the kids have every right to see their dad, but they don't get to control our lives. He's becoming very defensive about them a lot lately. I don't he sees them as manipulating him. To him  there these innocent little angels. 

I told him this he shouldn't make first contact with them, and let them come to him; I'm now looking an Evil human being for trying to seperate SO from his kids. 

So I guess it's just seeing a new therapist. I really hope that helps. 

To be honest, I'm starting to think he's feeling gulity for divorcing Bm 


tog redux's picture

Wait - your last blog says he and BM are great parents, they discipline the kids, BM wants the kids to be at your house so she makes them come over - now he is saying he won't parent them because when he did, they didn't come over?

Something doesn't add up here. These kids have zero respect for their father's consequences, and they continue to disrespect you despite those consequences.  Why? If they were truly "great parents", the kids would respect their consequences. 

This is a hard road you have taken.  Yes, it's normal for some kids to be upset about new partners, but not to this level. Truthfully, despite the crazy BM in my situation, my SS liked me immediately and still does.  So it's not a typical skid thing.  There is either some other influence on these kids, or the two parents are weak and ineffective and they are getting lots of power from this behavior.

Mrs.Marvel's picture

This is the first time, he's starting to back track a little bit. 

Normally they do respect consequences, but this time..... not at all.

tog redux's picture

So they discipline them, and the kids continue on with their behavior, and then what happens? And why didn't he seem them for a month if BM makes them come over?  This all just screams kids with too much power.

Mrs.Marvel's picture

and they stop with their behavior. This time noting is working. So didn't see them for nearly a month because they didn't want visit him with me around, so he gave them a " Okay,If that's your decision. Just remember that I love, you're always welcome back". Bm agreed to this too, but over the month, SO was starting to crack and he called them up. 

I did warn him that if he does that, he's basically giving them control, but he was starting to feel their absence. Things went okay for a bit, then we got engaged, and now this whole thing is happening. 


tog redux's picture

Here's what I mean -  young teens don't get the choice of whether or not they visit. If they said, "we don't want to go to school if that teacher is still there," no one says, "okay fine, whenever you are ready!"  They say, "get out of bed, you are going to school. We can talk about ways to deal with a mean teacher, but you are going to school." 

That's what needs to happen here.  DH needs to say, "I get that you are feeling angry about the situation and we can talk about how to manage that, but you are coming over.  It's not your choice whether or not you come to my house."  And BM needs to echo that. "It's your dad's time with you, and you are going."  BM and DH allowing them to have a choice gave them power.  And they are exercising that power to the extent that they are being allowed to do so.

tog redux's picture

You will quickly find out if BM is really on your side - if she gets that she has to push the kids to do this hard thing, just like she would push them to go to school if they refused to go.  If she starts with the, "we have to listen to the kids' feelings!", then you will know that she is not really as workable as you think.

Once they are at your house, DH needs to validate their feelings about him getting married, then set clear expectations for how they will behave with you going forward. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Just my two cents, but I totally think the 'tough love' thing was a really bad idea. 

The skids are angry and don't want you around. They have said they have this fear that Dad will dump them and push them out if he remarries. So what does he do, the first time they take a stand and announce they aren't coming, Dad (in their eyes) did exactly what they fear. Dumped them and pushed them away. 

Dad can not make his kids 'like' you , but he sure can demand they get their little butts over for their week whether they "want" to come or not. And then he can deal what whatever attitude they dish out when they arrive. 

They can hate you all they want. but they must respect you just as they would any other adult they must tolerate. Their school teacher, for example. They don't get away with ignoring and pretending their teacher doesn't exist and they don't get to just stay home until the school 'fires'  the teacher on their demand. 

They are coming. They will be civil and polite. There is no 'Option B'.  There will be consequences for misbehavior, rudeness and shaking their little 'tudes.