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I'm Moving Out

morrginme's picture

With the help from everyone here and my sister saying the same as all of you it made me see that I don't have a choice. Well I do have a choice but staying is definitely the wrong one. He still thinks the problem is between me and her and wants me to turn the phone on for him because he is busy with a stressfull project.

There wouldn't be a constant problem if he would just put his marriage to me first and start parenting SD. He said he's going to make sure she goes to counseling and won't let her get violent. I don't know how he plans to do that. I assume he's going to keep using the same ways he always has which so far hasn't worked. Either way he can figure it out on his own.

Meanwhile DD8 and I will still see him everyday but not when SD is there. We will be spending the nights at my mom's. I can use the time to help SD with her school and focus on training for an IT job I was offered with my sister. I'll get some temporary assistance to pay my mon to stay with her. Its important to me to pay her for letting me stay with her. So many of the kids and grandkids and me in the past took her for granted and costs her lots of money. I don't want to leach off her.

It's sad but knowing and feeling its the right thing to do is helping me see it through. DD is already happier at my moms and feels safer.

 

 

Comments

Mommy22's picture

I had to make the decision to move too. Currently it’s part time. We stay at SO’s home a few days a week and my home a few days a week. I feel so much better and so much less stressed. It was a good decision and honestly wish I’d done it sooner. 

thinkthrice's picture

i wish i had shown Chef the door almost 15 yrs ago!!  And don't let idle promises lure you back especially for the sake of DD.   You know they all tap dance when a gun is held to their head.   As soon as you stop meaning business, they get ever so much WORSE!

morrginme's picture

Yes you are right. Years ago I had to leave for a different but just as serious situation and he pleaded with me for a long time to come back. Then one day when i stopped to visot him i started to warm up to him again. He had stopped asking me to come back and had cleaned up his act. Still i didnt make any promises to move back in. That day we kind of started to get back together i left for a trip to the coast. I thought about inviting him but decided against it and if he did come it would mean one person would be without a seat belt. On the way to the coast an oncoming driver fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into me head on. It rolled the Ford F150 I was driving. I knew DD1 was still alive because i could hear her crying above the sound from the roof of the truck sliding against the highway road. We were all ok but both DD and me got concussions and I couldnt take care of her. DH took care of us and he had quit drinking and stayed abstinent to this day. 

If it takes a long absence for him to figure things out  thats ok but i hope it doesnt take a threat to our lives again. Maybe he would have stayed alcohol free even if we didnt get in a wreck. I dont know but sometimes I wonder.

somethingwicked's picture

This is very good news. I hope you will consider making the move to your mother's more permanent.  

You will see your eight year old thrive in an environment free from  those surprise emotional and physical explosions and all that drama . In her current environment  even the quiet times are  no less  anxiety  producing as one waits   in anticipation of the next fight, punch ,scream etc etc. This can  cause PTSD.

And please do not allow DuH to make you believe after a few days everything is better and he's changed and SD16 is ,too.

You stay away.Have your DuH come to your mom's to visit .That will keep him from showing his true controlling personality. 

Your DH is not in your corner , not in his DD16 or DD 8 corner.

He is selfish and focused only upon his own emotional comfort and willing to sacrifice everyone around him,wife ,teen child~it does not matter as long as HE is coming out looking like  a great guy without having to sacrifice his comfort level or ego.

He needs therapy to discover why he does not engage and properly handle his responsibilities to himself, you ,his children with consistency.SD16 requires therapy or counseling and ,as I mentioned before in your other post,  medication for her undiagnosed psychiatric condition.

 

 You are showing so much strength .You have it in you to keep digging deeper and  strive to completely break free from this inequitable relationship.

The longer that you are away from him and the crazy drama he helps produce and,too, his very sad and pathetic teen who is floundering without a life raft in the sea of life you will see yourself change and grow and know you do not need his help or him.

I am hoping and pulling for you ,your child and  your mother .

Much success to you,hon.

 

 

morrginme's picture

I took stacks of papers I had written to DH over the years about my frustrations with him and SD  i never gave them to him to read because once he sees I'm upset and it has to do with SD he tunes out. Any paper I take out of the stack reminds me after reading just a couple sentences why its so important for me to be removed from the problem. A problem i thought with my help could be fixed. A problem he doesnt want to believe even exists. Eventually he should see the problem since I'm no longer there to take on the blame. I will still be preparing myself in the event he never opens his eyes to it. Either way I will come out stronger by staying away and staying out of their mess.

StepUltimate's picture

I've read all your blogs and 100% applaud your decision. Good mom, protecting yourself & your daughter.

Please be extra good to yourself physically with good rest & healthy food. The sustained levels of stress you've been under has been tremendous. I know this isn't easy... but neither was the situation. 

If you're like me & tend to kick yourself hard, please go easy on yourself. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

I'm cheering for you and look forward to your updates. You are a thoughtful, kind, considerate woman and I hope you see that - it shines through everything you write. I salute you!

(((Hugs)))

morrginme's picture

Thank you. Sometimes i don't feel very strong and feel like such a bother to everyone around me. It helps to hear words like yours.

Petronella's picture

I knew you could find yourself a better situation. It was clear from your blogs that you are a smart, capable woman and a good mother. That’s wonderful that you are already seeing the change in your eight year old. Things will get better the less time you spend in your marital home.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I'm so cheered to hear this! Your daughter deserves to live in a peaceful, positive environment. Kudos to you for doing right by her. It will bring much more positivity your way.

Letti.R's picture

This is hard and hurts, but you did the right thing.
You made the correct choice.
Your H is an arse and your SD is a twat!
You did the right thing by choosing happiness for you and your daughter.

H should stop blaming outside stress and deal with his terrible kid.
Wishing you much happiness going forward, and continued ability to put YOU first.

DPW's picture

I think it's a really smart move to move out pronto. The risks associated with staying in this home far outweigh any benefits, in my opinion. I think a bit of physical and mental separation, and frankly calmness, will help you reclaim your life and help you plan for the future, whatever the future might hold for you. Good luck. 

morrginme's picture

I still believe he is my forever person. I have great faith in him to pull through and start doing whats right. It might take more time than either of us like but he really is worth it. The longer it takes him to get on the right track (and I have to see results over time, i dont fall for immediate signs of improvement) the longer we are separated and it will drive him crazy. He will start doing everything in his power to get his head in the right place and start making lasting changes. 

ITB2012's picture

Why do we have to do something drastic for them to do something? DH doesn't change unless he has an equal or worse dose of the same as has been done to me. It's exhausting to tell him and tell him, and know I have to wait for nearly the exact same situation to happen to him for him to get it.

Can't you remind him of the last time and say that's where you're at, and that he has to clean up his parenting and SDs behavior?

shamds's picture

actions that things will really change, talk is cheap!

he needs to show how he will change things, that he won’t be manipulated and guilted by ss and that he will not allow you and your daughter to be in a toxic unhealthy environment where you are being subjected to this toxicity and abuse.

i had to coach my husband what to do because he told me he felt guilty laying down the law with ss20. So i said you work your arse off, you provide a free roof and a room for him, the least you deserve is respect and an environment where he isn’t an arsehole.

when he talks back, he’s disrespectful, when he makes excuses, he’s disrespectful so i told him he needs to contribute to household chores because its the right thing living in this house and us being treated like his maids is so not on.

for the first time in over 4 yrs of marriage my husband picked him up from university break and gave him that stern lecture. Ss couldn’t come with excuses, he was scared into submission. He came home and within the hours scrubbed cleaned and bleached his bathroom and bedroom and vacuumed the whole house downstairs. He was forced to sit out and play with his half siblings. 3 days of him being like this and for the first time ever my daughter came to sit next to him to play.

i have since last fight with hubby that prompted him to make these changes or i was leaving and divorcing him, i have disengaged. I do not talk to ss and i do as he does, he pretends i don’t exist so i gi about my day. If stepdaughters will be at a family event, i refuse to go. The sd are toxic evil like their mum and i just can’t waste a day being around them. 

Hopefully your husband can prove himself, its hard for them to get past that disney guilty dasdy parenting and sometimes you need to threaten divorce and how he could subject you to this home environment before he clicks in his head and changes