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I'm tired of being the bad guy!

MommaLlama13's picture

Hi everyone,

If you've read my other posts, you already know this, but if you haven't, here's a recap. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (6yo), a SS(6yo), and SD(7yo). SD(7) is awful towards me and my daughter, and she likes to soil her pants at least once a day. (if you want to know mroe on this, read my other post: "TGIF").We have her in therapy, but we've yet to see any improvement because BM negates everything and tells SD it's my fault. (and no - I didn't break up their marriage. He left her because she was cheating, way before me).

Anyway... after my last entry when BM actually picked them up, both SKs came back awful. I'm talking, screaming matches, ignoring my daughter, acting like I don't exist, blaming me and lying to DH about E V E R Y T H I N G. I apparently wasn't packing lunch for SD(7), but I was!! Started making DH do it, and didn't say anything to her, as a test...SD(7) started throwing out her lunch and buying a hot lunch in the cafeteria, but didn't say anything. We found out when the school called, because there wasn't money on her account. Apparently she bought every day for a week, so we got charged a bunch of fees. What did my DH do?? NOTHING. Not a damn thing. I had to go onto the account and pay the school back, then had to talk to her about it. So who is the bad guy in this situation?? DH just sat there and agreed with me, but didn't punish her, nor did he make it a big deal. She sat there and lied, saying that she was still hungry after eating her first lunch, so she was buy FULL hot lunches after. DH said, "oh ok, then we'll pack you more". I called bullshit. I'm sorry, but i've seen SD(7) eat - she's a freaking snail. They only get 20 minutes to eat lunch - there's no way she is eating a packed lunch (sandwich, snack, yogurt, fruit, and juice), then getting in line for a hot lunch and eating all of that too....AND still coming home starving. SHE IS 7!! So I kept my cool and said I'm not buying it - what did you throw out? Sure enough, she was eating the snack out of her packed lunch and throwing everything else out. So after some talking, I said why don't you start packing your lunch with your dad the night before. Well...of course...that's come back to bite me now too. DH is now packing a sandwich, 3 snacks, 2 yogurts, 2 fruit options, and two drinks. If I actually thought she was eating it, then fine, but I know she's not. They don't have lunch until 1:15 (super late, i know), so we have to send in snacks for the classroom snack times too (another fruit and usually a bag of goldfish). She gets home and DH let's her eat another snack before dinner too, but she complains she'ss starving and he lets her have another snack on top. So we are talking about 6 bagged snacks before dinner each school day. When she's home, I can't even get her to finish a sandwich. Why? because all she wants is snacks. So I feel like we're just giving her junk and she's not eating any of the healthy options. We're literally throwing money away with all the food we send her in with, because I know she's not eating anything except the chips/crackers/cookies that DH sends her in with. She comes home super hungry, so his solution has been to add even more to her lunch each day. I tried to talk to him about it, and he says, "well she's my daughter and I eat a lot". There's a big difference between a 31 male and a 7 year old. We're not made of money, and BM makes sure she can squeeze whatever she can out of us when she shows up. So we're constantly buying more clothes, shoes, toothbrushes, mouthwash, food, etc. because nothing comes home, exceot clothes that don't fit them anymore. This last time, her car broke down for the 100th time, so my DH had to drive 2 hours to get the kids and 2 hours home, and we had to foot all the gas and tolls. She doesn't pay an once in child support, because she can't keep a job to save her life. DH doesn't want to get the courts involved because she has another son, and she's his only parent. I love that DH cares for this kid and doesn't want him put into foster care, but come on! So this lunch thing shouldn't bother me so much, but cripple that with everything else we're putting out, and the fact that we have 2 other kids, it's expensive....but of course...I'm the bad guy.

After re-reading this, maybe I am the bad guy. I'm just so frustrated all the time.


SteppedOut's picture

I guess I would be more concerned about the skids treating your daughter poorly than the amount of food being packed for lunch. Home is supposed to be a child's safe place free from harm. What are you doing to ensure your daughter's well being? It is almost, if not completely, impossible to keep eyes on kids at all times - and you shouldn't have to.

MommaLlama13's picture

She has split time with me and her bio-dad. When she's with me, her and I end up going out by ourselves whenever possible. If I have all three kids, the other two go play in the basement, and we doing something fun together upstairs. They treat her like an outsider, so she feels like she doesn't belong. It's been happening for a few weeks now, and it's breaking my heart. SS6 is great when SD7 isn't around. He and my daughter play together and have a great time, but if it's all three, forget it. Sad

SteppedOut's picture

You KNOW that is not good for her self esteme or mental health.

What is your husband doing to correct that crappy behavior?

MommaLlama13's picture

If I get on him about it, he'll use a cathc phrase. "play together or don't play at all" "why don't you guys go do something fun together instead" "how would you like it if she did it to you guys", etc. It never makes a difference.

Then if we talk about it later, I get "kids will be kids, what do you want me to do about it?" or "it's just the age, they'll outgrow it."

Then there's a random spurt of them all playing together again, and I get a "see!" or "told ya so!"

I know this is on me too. I have some decisions to make.

tankh21's picture

So are the skids with you and your DH full time and there is no CO? Dear lord, there is no way a 7 year old girl eats that much. You have a DH problem not a skid problem. He needs to set boundaries and tell his little snowflake that she needs to eat what you guys buy and pack in her lunch or she can starve. I mean your DH is letting her get away with this crap and spending way too much money. I sure as hell wouldn't be paying for a skid that is doing this crap. Put your foot down now or it will only get worse for you.

MommaLlama13's picture

Yeah, we have SKids full time. BM comes around when she pleases (maybe once or twice a month, if we're lucky). There's an outdated CO from when she lived in a different state, but DH hasn't had a reason to update it, because once she moved closer, she stopped caring as much. It doesn't make any sense, really. DH is super laid back and goes with the flow. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to keep us afloat. His work schedule varies, so his income varies. Splitting accoutns wouldn't work. Last year he was making double what I'm making, this year, we're lucky if he's getting a 5-day work week, making half of what I bring home. I'm better with money, so I handle all the bills. I try to show him and include him, so he's aware, but in his mind, food is necessary! We're blowing through $200 worth of groceries in 5 days, and that's with couponing and buying only items on sale. Then by the weekend, i'm scrambling. I'm so tired of pasta, but we're spending so much on junk for SD, that we can't afford the healthier items.

I've put my foot down on every "stunt" that SD7 and/or BM try to pull, but at the end of the day, they either win or they come up with another way to "attack".

I don't want to be divorced twice over, but my DH doesn't understand how damaging this all is. Our lives are literally being run by a 7 year old and his ex.

SteppedOut's picture

"Our lives are literally being run by a 7 year old and his ex." ---HELL NO!

Not only that...but you are PAYING for all this? Has your husband considered getting a more stable job? What would he do if you weren't around to keep him afloat? If he is ok with you paying a majority of the bills, then he needs to be ok with you saying we can't spend over "x" amount in groceries. AND that does not mean SD rediculous amount of individual snack packs are bought before good healthly food for the ENTIRE family.

You need to have some very serious conversations about several topics with your husband. Damn girl, I am mad for you!

ETA: Your husband has full custody; does he get child support? If not he NEEDS to get that process started.

MommaLlama13's picture

He refuses to take her for child support, because she can't keep a job, and knows she would end up in jail because of the arrears. She has another son, and his dad isn't in the picture, so he doesn't want him put into foster care. I get it and I love that he's thinking about his ex-SS but it's hard for me to be sympathetic all the time (I know, I'm awful). Last year he made a TON of money, and was really helping me pay down my debt (I have student loans, and the house is mine from before we got married), so I don't really want to be like "well I'm paying for everything", when he was helping out a ton last year when it wasn't his responsibility. His job is really secure - he's in the union and makes a ton per hour. But for some reason, steady work has been scarce. 

I feel like all I do it nag these days, and it's all usually about money or his daughter. When I make a big deal about it, he says he'll pick up side work, but the side work ends up being on the weekends, and SD7 freaks out and takes it out on me. Sad

SteppedOut's picture

Ugh. This is so unfair to both you and your child. 

Long term stress is VERY bad for BOTH mental and physical health. 

Seriously, he worries more about his exwife's financial position than yours? Really? Maybe this would be the push she needs to keep a job!

And having the entire family eat pasta every week so sd can over indulge in snacks is BULLSHIT.

shamds's picture

Take what you see as reasonable on counter for hubby to place in lunchbox. He shouldn’t be making the house starve of food because so much is wasted on sd and going to the bin.

i know this will likely make you seem the baddy but reasonable food lunches and healthy options are what should be in lunchbox . If sd compains thats not enough snacks, great cut some celery or carrot sticks for school. 

No more paying to top up school acct. even in highschool i remember for mornig tea and lunch we got a big water bottle (500ml) water or sometimes juice, 1 fruit, a sandwich, tub of yoghurt and sometimes another thing like a small container of nasi goreng (my mum is asian), that lasted us the whole day. Trust me a 7yr old is not eating more than that unlese she is massively obese and the size of 2-3 adults

skatermom's picture

I agree either lock up the food, hide the snacks or stop buying the junk food altogether.  What I do with snacks because I have 5 kids at our house they they have full access to all the food after school before I get home from work and have turned it into a daily feeding frenzy, is I hide all the good stuff in the clothes dryer.  Noone will ever look there, trust me.  Then each morning, I take out what they get in their lunches, and back in the dryer it goes.  What they do have access to is fruit, veggies and cheap dollar store cookies.  

I have found the less you address with DH about their kid, the better, you have to be passive agressive.

MommaLlama13's picture

You're absolutely right with the passive agreesive part...I feel like all I do is nag, but nothing ever changes.

So fruit is another issue... If I cut up a big bowl of fruit, SD7 will literally sit there and eat it all. Like, all of it - without stopping. Great, it's healthier, but she won't let anyone else get any. My daughter asked for strawberries and blueberries last week. I bought 2 containers of each, because I knew how SD7 was. My daughter got some for breakfast on that first day, but by the time we came home (SD7 and DH get home before us), the rest of it was gone - 4 freaking containers. She is thin as a rail, but if there is something you want her to have in moderation (i.e. junk food, or something else that you want everyone to get some of), she has no control. DH just says, "she was hungry". 

I've tried hiding the snacks, even if it's just for me...but if she see's it or knows it's there, she bugs DH until she gets it.

I don't want to deprive her of food, but she only eats the stuff that me or my daughter want, or junk. It's like a "oh, you want this, let me eat it all to make you upset" reaction.

SteppedOut's picture

"Let me eat all of this to make you upset."

Please don't make your child live like this. 

And your husband allowing her to gorge like that is REDICULOUS. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Ugh, SD9 does the same thing with fruit! I don't know how many times I've bought a package of blueberries or blackberries (at $4-$5 a pop), and SD ate the entire thing in one sitting. Or I'll cut up watermelon (I love watermelon, but I HATE cutting it up! So half the time it sits on the counter for days while I summon the ambition to cut it) and SD will eat it all at once! I just want to scream. The last time I did yell at her. She asked if she could have some after she had already eaten dinner, I said ok, and she proceeded to eat all that was left, which was 3 servings. Her Gma will send a huge mason jar full of pears home with her, and she eats the entire thing in one sitting. I'm glad she's eating fruit and not other crap, but I've had to explain about not being a glutton and eating it all at once.

MommaLlama13's picture

It’s so frustrating, right?! Like I don’t want you to be hungry, but at the same time, it’s not fair!

elkclan's picture

So my YSS is greedy about cucumbers and my SO is all like "I don't want to get on him because it's healthy." I'm like - look I don't care how much cucumber he eats, but what he needs to learn is that other people like it too and when it's set on the table then he needs to be aware of other people's needs. I don't want to have to grab cucumber back off his plate because he has once again - literally - taken every single piece. If he wants more cucumber if he thinks it's not enough, then he needs to say so and he can then get up and cut some more. There's nothing wrong with learning how to check if anyone else wants it. And yes, I have started putting more cucumber out as well, but he will still take it all. 

MommaLlama13's picture

Yes!! I've tried this method too, but DH pretty much just negates it the next time I'm not home. "I'm making a big deal out of nothing - it's just food" ::facepalm::

Cover1W's picture

Yes, I've taught YSD this - she used to take as much as she wanted of whatever but there were times nothing was left for others who had yet to serve themselves.  I got through somehow because recently we had some people over for dinner, she took a huge helping of something with still four people left to go...looked at her plate, looked at the nearly empty serving bowl, looked at me and asked, "Should I put some back?"  Yes, please do for others.  Luckily it was something that could be put back! 

She's learning it's ok to ask for seconds but make sure everyone else is ok too.  My more recent problem is her leaving empty containers in the cupboard - just like DH does.

Cover1W's picture

I didn't read your backstory but I went through similar things with DH (note DH not SD!).  Here's what I did.

OSD was throwing away most of her lunch but eating just the snacks. As I was the one at the time helping her with lunches, after talking with her, making sure SHE picked out what she wanted, etc., etc. she was still throwing it away.  So one day, after DH ineffectually 'talked' with her yet again, I packed nothing BUT snacks.  And you know what she did?  Complain there was nothing but snacks to eat!  At that moment I was done.

1) I was no longer responsible for packing OSDs lunches.  I continued to help YSD - but once YSD hit middle school she was to do her own.  I went cold turkey on doing anything about it.

2) I was not responsible for making sure whatever special snack she wanted was available.  That was on DH and I did not pay for it - note we have always had separate accounts for SD reasons.  This has served me well as SDs got older and OSDs picky eating got worse - and more expensive.

3) I do not ever pay for school fees.  Not my issue.  I have no say in it, then it's not my responsibility.


Chmmy's picture

Blended families are so awful. My boys had a little sibling rivalry but step rivalry must be awful. My bios are too old although BS22 makea jokes about how xx is the favorite, he got a Nintendo, you made him a grilled cheese. Id i had to deal with that for real my head would explode

ntm's picture

So tell him to stop using that excuse and do whatever he needs to do to get CS out of her. 

I truly believe you need to move out and live separately and apart. You spending a ton of money on his kids isn’t fair to your child. It will force him to figure out how to pay for his kids. You are not an ATM. Get a nice little apartment and SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES. NO EXCUSES. 

MommaLlama13's picture

Seriously, if this was an option, I’d be doing it. The house is in my name. (I bought it after the last marriage dissolved).  I came home tonight from work, to find out that he’s not working for the rest of the week. He’d never get approved for an apartment on his own. I’d wind up having to pay both, whether through guilt or Alimony. If I leave, my ex (narcissist) will capitalize on it. I have primary of my daughter, but we’re in a custody battle because he doesn’t want to pay child support anymore. I know it shouldn’t matter, but he doesn’t care for my daughter, it’s all a ploy to get out of paying. He doesn’t even spend time with her on her time. Anyway, he’s trying to paint me out to being unstable because he’s in a better school district (yeah, I know, crazy) but leaving would be grounds to say I’m unstable because my house is changing again. (I.e. DH and skids moved in a year ago, and already moving out again). 

Im trapped. 

SteppedOut's picture

Alimony does not apply until you are married for 10 years... even then it is not awarded often. 

If your husband's job is not consistent with hours enough for him to make a decent living, it doesn't matter how much he makes per hour. He NEEDS to look for a more consistent job. This bs about him feeling bad for ex and her kid over you and your kid (when you are supporting him and his 2 kids) is terrible. He must file for support!! 

The chance your ex would get custody are also slim. Especially if the best he has is your husband moved out. However, keeping your daughter in this situation and her complaining about skids being mean and eating all the food would be looked at. 


ndc's picture

How long have you been married?  You mention alimony - I've got to think that for a short term marriage, with a DH who earned a LOT last year, you're not going to get hit with much alimony, if any at all.  If you think that leaving your husband is better for you and your daughter, and that's what you want to do, make it happen.  I really doubt your husband moving out would be the weapon you think it might be for your ex.  Especially if you let it be known that the separation was for the good of your daughter.  I would consult a lawyer before making those assumptions.  

notasm3's picture

OMG - I don't know how some of you live with all of this.   This all makes my head explode.

shamds's picture

i remember when young my mum had instilled in us at peoples homes to not eat as a pig as its embarassing. Eat a little but never gobble up the last piece unless offered to you by the home owners or ask anyone if they want it or to share it maybe but we never did that. We ate in moderation

i remember when pregnant with my daughter, daily vomiting and multiple times to the point i could easily vomit 4 times in under 2 hours and i was just vomiting blood. When we did grocery shopping (me and hubby), i got some gatorade (sports hydration drink) it was the only thing i could drink to calm the vomiting.

i kid you not i hid it in the fruit/veggie compartment drawer of the fridge that ss would never go to as he’s a junk person.

the little shit actually went searching for snacks. I bought 6 bottles of gatorade, drank 1 in the evening at bedtime, 5 remaining. Came in the morning next day after vomiting 4-5 times in 2 hours desperately seeking it to find ss had drunk 5 x 500ml gatorade bottles in approx 8-10 hours.

i messaged hubby angrily that morning while he was at work and told him off, thats not in the normal section, its hidden where the cooking stuff is meaning my stuff and he drank it all. Hubby said don’t worry i’ll get some after work... i was like “great, what do i do now hubby? I can’t keep any liquids down as i’m so fu*#ing dehydrated”, never again did it happen, i know hubby told ss off. 

There is a unspoken rule at home, if there are snacks in plastic bags that means its not to be shared, its someones private stuff.

now since i mainly do online ordering, ss doesn’t dare touch the snacka i buy for our kids like sultanas, raisins, yoghurt, biscuits, juice and yoghurt probiotic drinks etc. Ss buys his junk food which is why his skin is so horrible and he’s fat often.

i agree with some posts above is remove all snacks. Since i assume as is the case in most households that the wife buys the groceries and not the dad, buy healthy food only. When sd eats greedily or like a pig tell her off or tell your husband other people wanted to eat that and she ate like a greedy pig 2 packets of blueberries and 2 packets of strawberries so noone else at home could have some. Don’t sugarcoat it! Say it straight up, when i did it this way hubby eventually was so embarrassed he had to take action. 

Even at family bbqs that i cater for approx 30-40 family members coming over of hubbies with a toddler, a house to clean and usual chores all done by myself while ss is a slob pig in his room sleeping, playing comouter games or dumping his trash on kitchen floor... hubby and his nephews were bbqin some lamb. Ss comes over with a plate asking when food would be ready. Hubbys family just looked. What hubby should have said then is since ss didn’t help with anything, he can eat after all our guests arrived and have happily eaten what they want

another time on my birthday which is the day before hubbys sil, we had a small gathering at our home, i had baked a pavlova and my sil made a cake too so we exchanged cakes and were about to cut it while everyone sang happy birthday. Ss then 17 yrs old with a plate comes and tells his dad he wants the pavlova and his dad looks at him and the rest of us and says that the birthday people haven’t even cut the cake yet and he’s rudely waiting with a plate demanding a piece. 

Believe me he’s caught out big time for rudeness because he’s a rude disrespectful shit!!

Harry's picture

You have a DH problem.  He is not parenting his kids. And is giving into them.  And you are paying for it.  You have to sit on DH and make him do his job. Or get a job and then do his job.