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Manipulative 16 yo Step Daughter

AnnaBrooks's picture

My SD came out to us as a lesbian around 8 months ago. I have no issue with it, have gay friends and have been involved in the queer scene my entire life as a hairstylist. We had a fight a few months ago over me taking to her sister about her sexuality and I apologized for it. I questioned if it was a phase. Never said I was against it, she is 16 and has a lot to figure out. However, now, SD likes to say I have a problem with it and brings it up as "her truth" every time I give her shit for something she has done or lied about, which in turn makes me upset and I flip out and yell and then my husband is upset at me. She pushes all my buttons on purpose, and for what reason, I don't know. I guess she genuinely feels I don't accept her even though I do and have expressed that both verbally and by way of inviting her GF over. I should add her and her sisters live with us full time and their BM is not in the picture at all. I feel like because they are stepchildren, even though I am their full time mom, I have to walk on eggshells. I am at a loss as to what to do about her. I want her to just be 18 and move out, I can't deal with this anymore. It's going to cost me my marriage. 


Kes's picture

Don't walk on eggshells, that's no way to live - I should know - I did it with my first husband for many years, in the end it took a massive mental health crisis to make me leave.  I think it's fine to wonder if a young teen is settled in their sexuality or if it's a phase - my SD23 "came out" as bisexual when she was about 14, but has never had a girlfriend and I think it's all forgotten now - she has had a number of boyfriends. 

Your SD is just trying to put you in the wrong - teenage girls are difficult at the best of times.  Try and disengage a bit, keep your own counsel,  and don't allow her to push your buttons - being able to do this is putting her in a position of power over you.  

Iamwoman's picture

Tell her to knock it off with the pity parties. She doesn't get to decide your feelings for you.

After that, just say "knock it off," everytime she tries to accuse you of stuff like this.

My 15 year old stepson tries to accuse me of feeling ways I don't feel and saying things I never said. It's because it's not about truth and reality. My OSS15 and your SD16 want conflict and they WANT to be a victim.

This won't be the last thing she twists. Your question about it being a phase may have felt insensitive to her because she is an irrational teen, but I have known many people who dabbled with same gender relationships as teens and then turned out to be completely straight as adults. Your question was based in reality and not really out of line at all.

That being said, I have learned the hard way that it's best to just keep my opinions to myself around teens. Most of them don't take things the way they were meant.

advice.only2's picture

Well the damage has been done and your SD is going to feed off her "victim" story until another person "victimizes" her and lets you off the hook. Best you can do at this point is ignore ignore ignore. My BD claims she's bi/trans/ just depends on what day of the week it is. I've learned to just go "Hmmm that's nice." and move on I don't feed into it because for some reason teenagers today all need to feel like they are a super special sparkly unicorn above all others.

Cover1W's picture

OSD "came out" as bisexual about two years ago (age 14 or 15?). We were like, "Meh." I'm sure she expected drama. We all met for dinner one night at a restaurant with BM. I did NOT want to go at all, but whatever. It was supposed to first be AT BM's home, uhm never, ever there so I agreed to a restaurant since I was specifically invited. OSD hardly spoke to us except for snarky remarks and her coming out announcement. Then she hailed BM for the bill and she almost RAN to BM's car, not a single thank you or goodbye.  DH was PO'd. I was not surprised. I said that I didn't care WHO she slept with, but as long as she's a b*tch and is rude to people - THAT is my judgement of her.

Shortly after DH took OSD with us on a vacation. She was allll about gay rights and how horrible heterosexuals were and so on. She was trying to show off for her aunt I'm sure. And show how progressive she is. Well, we're all ultra-liberal and her arguments went no where because she was trying to create false pretenses. And then she decided to criticise how one of my best friends on this planet came out. Oh, I turned to her and said, icily "You do NOT have any right to comment on my friends or their experience that you know NOTHING about." I think that's one of the last things I said to her on that trip.

Anyway, I hold firm that a b*tch is a b*tch no matter who she sleeps with.

advice.only2's picture

Yes agree! When my BD told me she was non-binary/trans I was like okay whatever. She kept pushing it with me and I flipped on her and told her she discredits all the people she allegedly stands with by doing this to be cool or fit in. I told her the struggle real trans people go through is usually life or death and she is mocking their journey so she can appear "special" to all her little online anime friends. After that she stopped pushing that boundary and went back to just being bi...but even that novelty is wearing off.

Iamwoman's picture

Heterosexuals are horrible? Does SD know that the only reason she exists is because of heterosexuals?

I mean, I know we can make lab babies now, but that is recent. Heterosexuality got us all to the 21st century... lol