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Broken Record

MommaLlama13's picture

Here we are again - seems like every few months I'm back in this "place" saying and doing all the same things.

Back story:

Married to DH (for a few years now) - our relationship is great except when it comes to SD8. I have 1 kid - DD7. I was married previously to an abuser - DD7's BD. We've gone to court 5 times in the last 7 years, with the most recent round at the end of last year. He didnt win what he wanted, but courts said there needs to be a life changing event before he can take me back again. (all of this is because he doesnt want to pay child support, even though he plays less than he should. Also divorce and moving are considered a life changing event, keep that in mind with the next part of this)

DH has 2 kids - SD8 & SS7. He was married previously to BM who is a nightmare.

BM convinced SD8 that I'm evil, broke up BM and DH (not even close to true. They were divorced before we starting dating). BM lives 3ish hours away now, but moves around all the time. She can't hold down a job, and more than half the time, doesn't even bother to see or even call her kids. SD8 acts out a lot (poops and pees her pants and sits in it, lies, fails tests on purpose, steals, hits, etc.) so we have her in therapy. The therapy isn't really making a difference though - at 8 my SD is able to read a room and manipulate a situation to benefit her. She has figured out how to sweet talk teachers and doctors into thinking that DH and I are making a bigger deal out of the situation. I also want to add, the doctors have deemed this a behavioral problem, not a physical medical issue.  For example: We went to a school fundraiser recently, as a family. I asked SD8 if she needed to use a bathroom while we were there. She said no. I tried to get DH to make her try, but he said to let it go. SD8 pooped and peed in her pants a few minutes later. A teacher caught wind of it and descretely told her that she thought she had an accident. SD8 proceeded to tell her it was because she was too scared. Of what? Your guess is as good as mine. Told the teacher that it only happens when she is scared, meanwhile she is the bully in our house. We make her clean it up, but she doesn't get yelled at or anything. (This is the therapists suggestion - just ignore it as much as possible, so she stops seeking the attention she is looking for)

Current situation:

SD8 has gotten worse across the board. DH is shutting down. BM is constantly critizing me. BM's mom (SKids Gmom) fills there head with even more terrible stories about me, that aren't true. She just doesn't want them getting attached to me, while BM figures out her own sh*t. I am "nothing to them - not really family". SD8 is now convincing SS7 that i'm terrible. He knows I'm not, but there are times that he just follows SD8's lead. I feel like a broken record when I talk to DH about these things. I know everyone will tell me just to leave, but changing event = back to court with DD7's dad. I emotionally and financially can't handle all of that right now. The other piece of advice is to disengage and I try, I really do. When my daughter is at her dads, I avoid being home as much as possible.

My life is being run by his ex-wife and daughter, but he is shutting down? One would think, if your spouse that handles almost everything with the kids, finances, and house...all while working full-time bringing home more than you, is telling you that they are at their breqaking point, you'd step up. Try and find another solution. Fight to keep the family together. Care enough to try. Right? Nope, let's shut down. While i know this isn't easy to be him and deal with all of this, it isn't easy for me either. 

I'm starting to think, maybe all of this is just because I'm not enough or worth the effort. Maybe I'm the issue.


Siemprematahari's picture

You have some decisions to make. Either you stay in this miserable marriage because you're avoiding "the life changing event" that involves your daughter. You get some counseling with your H (if he's willing) to learn tools to address the issues with SD, or leave which doesn't seem like an option for you because of your X. If your H doesn't change and fix the issues that are going on, this will be your life and dont forget your daughter is subjected to all this dysfunction as well.

 Your H has a daughter that urgently needs help. He doesn't get the luxury of burying his head in the sand and shutting down. Is this the kind of man and relationship you want to remain in and model for your daughter?

His daughter and XW run your're ok with accepting this?

ndc's picture

I would call my lawyer and ask what implications you divorcing your husband or moving out would be if your ex took you back to court and how to minimize any adverse result with him.  I would not remain in a miserable situation with the current husband because I was worried about going back to court with the ex-husband.  This situation does not sound sustainable - there are too many forces working against you - so it's probably a matter of now or later.  You're going to get dragged back into court when that "life changing event" occurs; might as well be now when your ex has recently lost in court if you're near the end of your rope.

Do not think for a moment that you are the issue.  You're probably the only one who ISN'T the issue in this situation.