You are here

Mayday: skid will be here soonish

momjeans's picture

(Vent)

May 1st is generally when it settles in me that skid will be here soon.

Per her school calendar, May 30th is the last day of school, but in true BM form, skid isn’t allowed to finish out the year, with the rest of her peers, because BM wants skid outta there. 

Probably even more so this year, because BM is due to have a baby any day now.

Skid will likely arrive around the 24th, or 25th, which means she’ll miss out on an award ceremony one day, yearbook signing and other end of year festivities another day. I find that sad and struggle to believe DH and MIL’s “But, that’s okay (she’s missing out on these things)! Skid is SO excited to come to (our state) for summer break!” 

But, is she? Everyone seems to know for certain how skid feels about it all. BM, in-laws, AND my DH seem to adjust the narrative to align with their own agendas. I guess the one that rubs me in the worst way is the fact that they enable BM to pull this crap - every visitation. 

BM is supposed to coordinate travel with DH, worst case MIL, but that never happens. She just books a one way flight, puts skid on a plane, and notifies others that she is on her way. 

If I’m to believe what they tell me, skid doesn’t even inform them when she’s close to getting on a plane in her city,state until she’s literally about to land in our city,state. It’s an eleven hour flight from there to here, btw.

Another issue is MIL. I’m very low contact (no contact if I can help it) with her. When skid is due for a visitation, she starts in with her hoovering and controlling behavior. She’s an altruistic narcissist of THE WORST kind, so this is generally an opportunity to cash in all those deposits of niceties she thinks she has made since skid’s last visit. 

MIL sees me as the bridge for skid to see DH - which couldn’t be farthest from the truth or reality. DH works 12-14 hour days, 5-6 days a week. When he’s home, he’s often doing social media work for his restaurant or out riding his bike, training for race season. And while MIL really doesn’t like me at all, she wants and needs me to play bonus mommy to skid. 

Skid is enrolled is several days camps throughout her 8-10 week stay. MIL works full time and FIL still has a suspended drivers license. That doesn’t mean he won’t drive, though, because... skid needs to be shown a good time!

When I fail to deliver, in-laws then turn-up skid’s visitation to volume 11. Gifts, trips to the beach, trips to amusement parks. These are things that are never offered to our bios - ever. I see it as some sort of punishment towards me, because I don’t feed into the supply and desire to treat skid as if she’s the most important person in this failed blended family. 

BM and MIL usually act really ugly around visitation, causing me to be super guarded. I’m going to try really hard this year to let go of allowing circumstances and emotions to have their hold on me.

Comments

JanRebecca's picture

I feel your pain - I am not sure I could handle having SS around all summer. Kudo's to you!

Aniki's picture

Ugh, that sounds super sucky. Is there ANY kind of work SD can do in the restaurant??

And you know why MIL and FIL don't do that stuff for your kids - they are not COD!!

 

I love dogs's picture

I still think it's disgusting that adults can deliberately treat children so differently. OP's kids share the same dad as SD, yes?

momjeans's picture

Yes - same dad. 

I’ll NEVER forget the first few months of us being back in our current city,state. We were at DH’s parent’s house, I had just lost my mother, and our oldest bio was just 5 months old. MIL had the audacity to corner me in a room and inform me that skid is top priority. That she’d always be most important. 

I love dogs's picture

But why?? It isn't her fault her parents spilt, sure, but WHY OH WHY is she most important?!!!! 

momjeans's picture

True, but my in-laws, more so MIL, will always see skid as DH’s first marriage, first child, their first grandchild. 

My FIL **does** have a granddaughter from his daughter, from his first marriage. MIL has always disregarded her. And guess what? Said oldest granddaughter (24 I think?) cannot stand MIL. 

My MIL had a very hard time accepting DH’s divorce to BM, weirdly because DH claims MIL and BM didn’t get along all that much, that is until the divorce happened and MIL went for an alliance with BM. Also weirdly, I think MIL did that to protect her own interest in securing access to see skid. It’s a very unhealthy bond and relationship, as others IRL have pointed out. 

If DH and I were to divorce, our bios would still be low priority to them. 

momjeans's picture

She will forever be a poor little COD, despite her having a large and loving support system back home and here. Skid has grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. - on top of DH’s parents and brother. 

I’m an only child and both of my parents are deceased. 

Yet MIL believes skid is #1.

Aniki's picture

Oh, I understand. SD21 has made herself the Poor Me because she is a COD. Instead of going to therapy and trying to work out her emotions, she PREFERS to play the eternal victim. The divorce was 12 years ago, but SD21 whines CONSTANTLY about being "damaged". Then get some damn therapy. Your parents were MISERABLE together and fought constantly. How is THAT a healthy environment for children?? And I would think that your 'ho mother moving 22 men in/out in the space of 24 months would be more damaging than 2 miserable people splitting and moving on to new, happy/healthy (well, for DH - not 'Ho!) relationships.

 

momjeans's picture

This is literally my worst fear. That skid will one day play the COD victim card, because DH and his parents would eat that clustercuss up. 

momjeans's picture

No, she’s too young. It would be a liability. 

MIL prides herself in enrolling skid in Bible Day Camp, but it’s painfully obvious that west coast skid loathes spending beautiful warm days with a bunch of backwoods country bumpkins. 

I’m just waiting for BM to ask someone, anyone but me, why momjeans doesn’t have and entertain skid all summer. 

(Because BM doesn’t want me to, but she wants skid to be around her dad. She can’t have it both ways. Haha)

Siemprematahari's picture

MomJeans when MIL contacts you can't you just block or send her to VM and have your H deal with her/them? If she wants to shower SD with gifts why doesn't she take her for a few weeks in the Summer? That would alleviate some frustration for you and H. I'd have no respect for MIL especially after that comment she made "inform me that skid is top priority. That she’d always be most important". She seems to interfere too much into your lives and one of you need to stand up to her. Wishing you the best this Summer.

momjeans's picture

That’s what it has come to. Blocking my in laws from contacting me via phone/text/social media, because I quickly caught on that there’s pleasure in my suffering. 

And they do take skid for a good bit of her visitation. I told MIL years ago, that aside from BM wanting me to play babysitter, but also wanting me to avoid forming any sort of relationship with skid - that’s there was no way, no how I would allow preferential treatment happening under my roof and in front of my children. My in-laws will bring skid around after the beach to hand out trinkets to our bios, and our bios are already catching on that they are not engaging in the same things skid does. 

And thank you! 

 

theoldredhen's picture

~ I’m an only child and both of my parents are deceased. ~

Aw, Hon, how terrible to be an orphan at your age! I'm 73 with both of my parents alive and in excellent health so I can't imagine being without either a Mom or a Dad at your age. 

Shame on your MIL for her comment after your Mother’s death! It shows a complete lack of both sensitivity and propriety.  Frankly, my dear, I’ve never liked your MIL.  Here’s hoping that life hands her some of the unkindness that she’s so practiced at dishing out. GRRRR!

Since the nasty old hag doesn’t like you anyway, start fighting back!

Iamwoman's picture

I feel so sorry for you Momjeans. A skid ALL summer?? Ew.

Its time for you to start giving your bios preferential treatment. Every kid needs to feel special to an adult in their life, and it seems the only one who cares is you. Eff MIL.

momjeans's picture

Yes! All summer. If I recall, the CO states 6-8 weeks in the summer, but no one follows it. 

I totally show my children preferential treatment and it eats my MIL to the core, because she cannot wrap her head around someone not loving and orbiting around skid. It’s actually pretty hilarious. 

pixielady's picture

I feel your pain. Though SS9 is only here for a month, it's a month too long! Who takes skid to her camps? How much do your inlaws take her? Does your DH take some time off work during the summer? This all sounds like it's too much. I'm so sick of the poor COD attitude that my inlaws have as well! I agree with Iamwoman- you should show preferential treatment to your bios to counter the BS treatment that your inlaws give skid. So sorry to hear about your parents. We all want normal, loving grandparents for our children and it seems like your children got the short end of the stick when it comes to your DH's parents.

momjeans's picture

In-laws do allllll the running around. It’s pretty funny, too, considering the pickle they’ve got themselves in. Trying to malign me and put me in my place, so to speak, has only made me dig my feet in deeper and push back. It’s not like my FIL is supposed to be driving - he has a revoked license, but he drives anyway (despite what they say or want people to believe). 

DH can take zero time off a work, at least not many days in a row. He **tries** to take an extra day off a week during the summer, but it mostly doesn’t happen. 

 

robin333's picture

Honestly, I cannot imagine having skids for the summer. I would have to triple my wine delivery. 

How did you respond to MIL when she said SD would always be the priority? Toxic.

momjeans's picture

I remember just staring at her. I was literally trying to process what she had just said to my face. It was her very first attempt, at many more to come, of trying to control the dynamics of it all. 

Of course, when I told DH and he “confronted” her, she got huffy with him. DH told me, and has continued to tell me, that it’s not what I think it means. That it wasn’t what she meant at all. 

I now see my MIL will always be like this - attempting to wield power, because without it she has nothing but a sense of low self esteem and maybe even abandonment. She appears to always have tried to keep her two sons under her thumb. 

And, yes, lots of wine is consumed in the evenings! 

Harry's picture

sad to say, I would save money all summer long. So after SK go back to BM. I would take BIO kids and do something with them. Something nice. Amusement park. Disney,  Cruise.  Something to show MIL and SK. That two can play that game.  If your SO doesn’t like it, he can sit at home and work so you have more money to spend