The bane of my disengagement journey
The withholding of information. Is this normal?
I’m referring to skid’s visitation. Is she here? Is she not here? Am I not worthy of knowing this information? Yeah, I don’t entertain her, spend money on her, play taxi for her, or babysit her, but I do welcome her into our home and treat her with the same respect and selected attentiveness as I do any other child I haven’t given birth to.
Per skid’s school calendar, May 30th was skid’s last day of school. A half day at that, and usually not worth sending skid if that means BM can get her on a plane ASAP. Screw end of year celebrations and yearbook signing for skid is BM’s repeated MO. DH would know this information if BM didn’t refuse to coparent. She goes through the in-laws because they are enabling Yes Men.
With that said, skid is too precious to fly unaccompanied minor, even if DH offers to pay for it, so that means either MIL or FIL endure a one-way 12 hour plane adventure just to pick her up and bring her back. This is the way it happens every summer and Christmas. It’s spendy and I’m not a fan. MIL and FIL also give BM too much say and power in decision making, overriding their own adult child, but that’s another story for another time. It’s basically beating a dead horse when we address it, MIL turns on the water works, flying monkey FIL yells at DH that he has made his mother cry. It’s a trifecta of BS.
I caught DH at just the right moment a few days ago, blah blah blah something or other about his parents, so I took the opportunity to ask “So, when is skid going to be here? Have your parents mentioned anything?” In true DH form, he pauses then gives me his classic blank stare and says “Ha! Yeah, I don’t know. I haven’t talked to my parents.”
Yeah, okay DH. He’s either lying by omission (which he often does come visitation time to avoid confrontation, I guess!?), or his parents actually haven’t divulged the travel dates/times (which is also plausible, because his parents live to play their games, too, withholding of important information being a favorite). I think this is also their parent/adult child dig towards DH because he doesn’t enforce me to toe the “skid is the BEST thing ever!” line. They have expressed their dismay in DH’s complicity in my disengagement before, so, there’s that. I haven’t forgotten their little emotional blow ups because I don’t prioritize poor COD over my own flesh and blood.
So, here we are. June 1st. (Spoiler alert - she IS usually here by now.)
The absence of this info is by no means keeping me from engaging in day to day life in general and with our kids, but it IS nice to know what’s going on. I mean, spouses share things with one another right? Even things that the other spouse with eventually be asked over and over, all summer long, then ultimately guilt-tripped into engaging in. Is it wrong for me to hold this expectation, twice a year, even though I see the sharing of information being acted out more aggressively with each passing year at the hands of my in-laws and even my DH?
Until I ended up blocking MIL and FIL last Christmas, that was how I would find out. A high and mighty matriarchal-esque text from MIL like “Hey Girl! Skid is here! Would you guys like to go to dinner tonight? She wants to see everyone. She loves everyone!” Because we’re faaaaaaamily.
Then we show up and it’s the skid show and the “My Mom is/does/said” show - every time. I swear this is all to stroke the in-laws emotions and needs to have control at all times.