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Skid and summer visitation

momjeans's picture

I have a gut feeling that skid’s summer visitation is still going to happen, based on my MIL’s excessive lovebombing and hoovering behavior towards me as of late.

I haven’t responded to any of MIL’s texts or FaceTime calls in over a month, and all that does is make her ramp up the need for communication much worse. She has a history of being like this right before she goes over DH and makes the executive decision to grant BM’s visitation wishes. 

It’s very much MIL’s MO to try and get in my good graces immediately before she makes a conscious decision to cross the line. 

DH talks to skid by text and FaceTime a few times a week. Every time they talk, he reminds her that summer visitation is a no-go this year. Skid seems to acknowledge and clearly understand the reasoning behind this decision. 

I hate to be so pessimistic, but every time it comes up, I gently, but firmly, inform DH that he needs to be prepared for his mom (and dad) to disregard his decision and grant BM’s wish to allow summer visitation to carry on as usual. His response to that is that he’d “be very disappointed” if they did that. 

Skid would be flying in from the west coast, a SoCal town that received an “F” on their social distancing efforts. We have been doing our best here, with the exception of DH still working and me working 80% of the time from home. I physically go into work twice a week still to do paperwork. 

I’m trying my best to not get worked up about it before anything actually happens, but it’s hard. I’m just so sick and tired of them having ANY amount of control or say in things that in turn will go against my own personal boundaries. 

I know codependent + enabling MIL is low-key miserable being holed-up with FIL and stay-at-home drunk BIL, and would love skid’s company, but yeah... I’m not having any of that in my home. 


justmakingthebest's picture

Summer is still months away. Everything could well be opened back up by then. 

We are still moving forward with all out of state summer visits. My kids going from East to West coasts. My SS coming from Mid west to East coast. 

I even went as far as reaching out to SS's state Governor's office for clarification and they emailed me back that all visitation should go on as scheduled and is exempt from any stay at home order. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, OP - why is summer visitation cancelled when it's months away and things will likely at least be partially reopened by then? This virus could easily be around for another year before we get a vaccine. 

momjeans's picture

DH’s stance is we need to continue to engage in social distancing well into the summer months, mainly because his dad is an immune-compromised person (perpetually on steroids, COPD, easily hospitalized with bronchitis). Why MIL doesn’t take this into consideration? I do not know.

FIL and MIL are both equally and easily swayed by their codependent tendencies, though.

Second to that is DH and I are both “essential” workers and we’d like to keep it that way. 

strugglingSM's picture

MIL out here loves to just make her own decisions about what DH should do and then tell him what he is going to do. It's miserable. He now pushes back on her more and she tells him he's just "being mean". 

Under their previous CO, DH had SSs on Christmas Day and the 26th. BM always insisted that he take SSs for one week of Christmas break (even though she insisted that it all be allocated to her in the CO), because she "shouldn't have to be the only one to sacrifice and take time off work." One year, DH had requested some schedule changes and BM said no, so DH told her that he was going to follow the CO as it was written. Christmas rolls around. BM tells DH he has to take the kids,  DH says no. BM calls MIL who says "of course" DH will take the kids.  Then tells DH, "you always have the kids for a week." DH tells her no, so then she takes the kids for the week and expects DH to communicate with BM on her behalf, which put DH right in the middle of the drama storm because MIL is flakey and BM is overbearing. BM feigns "nervousness" about the kids to DH and tells DH, "I can't believe you don't know where your children are?!" DH then tells this to MIL and BM tells MIL that DH is not being honest and she never said that. Another fun time, courtesy of MIL's lack of boundaries, lack of taking any sort of responsibility for her actions, and constant need to put DH right in the middle of everything. 

Then one year, DH picked out a camp for SSs and got BM to agree. MIL then decided that SSs didn't want to go to the camp DH picked, they wanted to go to the other one MIL liked. Both camps were run by the Y, so MIL called the Y, switched the camps, and then called DH and told him that she switched the camps and gave him a name of the person he needed to talk to to pay the extra for the camp she picked. Because DH has grown up with behavior like this from MIL, his response was just "ok", until I said to him, "are you kidding me?!"  Then - the kicker - was that BM complained that the kids camp was changed.

It might make it a little easier to deal with MIL if she was in any way helpful at all, but she is not. We spend more time doing things for her than she ever does for us. And every time I try to be nice and do something for her, it ends up blowing up in my face somehow. 


momjeans's picture

If MIL makes the executive decision to have skid fly out here this summer without clearing it with DH first, she’s going to see a whole new side of me... and it’s not going to be fun for her or anyone else. 

Camps and extracurricular activities are cancelled in our state, already, at least through August. There will be nothing for her to engage in, other than the in-laws trying to entertain her by taking her the next state over, so BIL can see his own child. If that’s the case, and we’re still under a stay-in-place order, there will be zero contact happening. 

momjeans's picture

Skid is DH’s bio child from his first marriage.

BIL is currently living back at home with MIL and FIL. He has one bio child that lives a state over. An 8 hour drive away, one way.

If drunk BIL wakes up and says he wants to see his daughter, MIL and FIL make that happen, because he’s unemployed and has a revoked license.

If they do this when skid is here while there’s still a stay-in-place order, that will be a big problem for me if they expect us to engage in socializing - especially in my home.