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Long time no post! Does anyone out there in Stepland ever feel guilty for bragging about bios?

justanothergurlNJ's picture

Let me explain. SKIDS have an assorted box of issues from bad grades, lack of discipline, PAS, OCD, one is even on Zoloft and in therapy at 11 yo he is afraid to eat anything unless BM eats it first because he is afraid to die and wants to die with his mother. BM is BPD herself and has just started seeing a therapist and taking meds. She DOES NOT parent, Kids don't do homework she has NO control. SS's are 9 and 11 and if this continues, neither of them will end up going anywhere. OSS is already a lost cause he is going to end up in prison or a mental institution. YSS is very athletic and if stays focused has great potential unfortunately SO and I both see him slowly slipping away. SO only sees them EOWE and it's gone from full weekends to a few hours EO Saturday. It's like the umbilical cord is still attached. SS11 more so, think 40 year virgin living home with his mother. I feel for SO I know this is breaking his heart. To add salt on the wound he lives with me and mine.

Now you have my DD who is a freshman in HS, does Competition Cheer, gets good grades is popular (ss11 has NO friends) and is excelling. MY DS is a senior in HS and about to Graduate in a few weeks, he was accepted to EVERY college he applied to and is going to one of his top 3 choices. An excellent university right here the the great old state of NJ. He is receiving financial aid and a academic scholarship from said university and he works and has been saving money. The last few months have been very exciting for me and my bios. Today my son received a very small scholarship from his elementary school and an invite to speak to the 5th grade class moving up ceremony. I am beyond proud of my son. I've been a single parent for 13 of his 18 years of life and raised him on my own with no help from his sperm donor so my bragging rights may seem a bit over the top. The chips were stacked against him and me since the day his SD left but we persevered and came out on top.

So here's my guilt. I called SO and told him about the scholarship and the invite and he was happy and very proud, he's been in DS's life for 10 years now. But I hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes the sadness knowing neither of the SS's are going to grow into productive functioning adults. ( I hope I'm wrong) I even think he is jealous. Even mad at me for actually parenting my kids while BM is a terrible mother. Kids are always dressed and fed but there is so direction, discipline they really are like feral animals. I think they'd be better off being raised a pack of wolves.

So when my kids reach these accomplishments and I share them with SO I feel guilty or bad and sometimes don't want to share. But he is my partner and I should be able to share my joy and happiness with him.

Anyone else find themselves in the same situation?


justanothergurlNJ's picture

My SO taught my son to drive, to shave and has had some of the more awkward talks with my son, so on some level yes he contributes to raising them in some way, but the fundamentals were put in place long before SO came along. I taught them respect, the importance of good grades, manners and the things that lay the ground work for becoming functioning adults.

SO didn't have much say in the up bringing of the SKIDS even when him and BM were together if he tried to discipline them the second they would get pouty lipped and watery eyed she swoop in and save them from big bad Daddy. Really what kids likes to be disciplined!

justanothergurlNJ's picture

I think deep down they still do, but they aren't allowed to show it when BM is around.
Yea I think YSS is that way with SO. He was out of work when YSS was born and took care of YSS for the first 2-3 of his life while BM worked. SHOCKER she actually worked and one point in life! lol

Tuff Noogies's picture

hi gurl!

i dont have bios, but there have been plenty of occasions where dh and i will feel differently about something. i have no problem saying "abc makes me feel xyz. do you feel the same? or does it bother you? from here on out, how would you like me to handle it - avoid the topic altogether, talk about it but tone it down a bit, or just carry on the way i have up to today?" there is nothing wrong with simply asking. Smile

justanothergurlNJ's picture

I would but I know he would deny even feeling that way!1 He's to proud and to stubborn!

Tuff Noogies's picture

still. go ahead and ask him! and act according to the answer he gives you.

if he ever does get bent out of frame, your @$$ is covered! "it was never my intention to make you feel bad, honey!!! that's why i have asked before how it would make you feel, and you said it wouldnt bother you. but if it really does, lets figure out what i can do from here on out. am i ok to mention things but just need to hold back some? or should i avoid the topic altogether?"

WalkOnBy's picture

All the time. My kids are thriving and productive members of society. All outgoing, successful and focused.

His? Well - there's ASS, and we all know what's going on with him;
KarateKid - smart but incredibly immature-still tries to sit on DH's lap;
and BabyVoice - socially awkward, no manners, ZERO personality and dim.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

I don't understand how these women can do their kids such a disservice. Isn't it our jobs ad mothers and parents to raise our kids to be functioning, productive members of society. To raise respectful and competent adults. SHFH I don't know!

Teas83's picture

I don't feel guilty about being proud of my DD or talking about the things she's capable of doing. I notice a huge difference in the things SD was able to do at her age vs. what my DD is now able to do.

SD8 has been quite stunted by her parents and their lack of interest in teaching her how to be somewhat independent. She still can't tie her shoes, she can't ride a bike without training wheels, she needs to be lifted into vehicles and have her seat belt done up for her, etc.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I try not to say anything about what we do for BD and where BD is developmentally in from of MIL, not really out of guilt but because then she will start saying, "Well, my GRANDSON is currently doing this, this, and this." like lady, this is not a pissing contest. So I just don't say anything at all.

robin333's picture

This is difficult because you want to share your joy about your kid's successes and you don't want to make DH feel that his kids are any less in comparison. Not that you're comparing.

For me, I used to minimize the discussion about DD for fear that DH would take it as a comparison with his kids. Fortunately for me, he made a comment one day that made me realize that he takes joy in DD'S accomplishments as he truly feels like he is part of that. He didn't get that with his kids and he has with her.

Cocoa's picture

I had a very similar situation. My DH became envious and eventually talked himself into that my kids were "special ". He truly thinks his kids are just normal. Says a lot about my soon to be ex DH