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Sigh...the HRO did not stop the harassment

Jcksjj's picture

It's been a week since FIL got the restraining order served to him and already we've gotten another message from the uncle who had no previous involvement. 

This one said he heard DH was a piece of work labor day weekend and that he will be funding all efforts to make sure he takes care of his daughter (financially). Ending it with "I hope you have deep pockets!"

Ummm...okay? There's nothing to fund, BM can file for child support for free (I'm assuming that's what he is implying). DH never said he wouldn't pay it either, but obviously he's not going to go file for himself either if BM hasn't. 

I'm guessing when FIL talked to the attorney who is defending him for the restraining order, that attorney explained to him that using "dh doesn't see SD" isn't an excuse for showing up at our house and punching DH, and that the only thing that can be done legally is to make him pay child support. But that's on BM to do, not them. 


Jcksjj's picture

They don't. BM begged and cried to stay out of court and DH agreed. They did 50/50 most of her life. DH got a letter from child support when SD was first born and BM had it shut down right away before it went anywhere.

Idk if maybe she would have to go to court for custody first, but this uncle is really gonna drop grands on someone else's kid he barely knows? I doubt it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Block the uncle, then I think your DH just needs to take it to court. I partly wonder if BM wanted to keep it out of court because she knew SD wasn't really DH's kid, and she hasn't really pushed further since because of the same reason. Basically, so long as SD wanted a dad, BM would play along. Now that SD doesn't want one, she's "fine" with things staying out of court. I mean, is BM even making a fuss? Is she stirring the pot or is this all DH's family just getting themselves worked up?

The smart move is probably for DH to talk to a lawyer about all this. Lay the cards out on the table and ask what the overall solution is. I'd also consider packing up and moving away to be done with it all. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Very good point. I would have paternity established in court before anything else is done. 

As for your DH's family, just keep blocking and removing them from your life. It is amazing how fast they drop off once there is no reaction. My own sister is like this. 

thinkthrice's picture

Literally are breaking down the gate to get CS $$$$$$.   Definitely court ordered paternity test!!!

Jcksjj's picture

So here's the deal with paternity. They had a test done privately, which BM paid for. The results were sent to BM, and she gave them to DH. So it's possible that the paper DH has is not legitimate. I've always wondered, but then it seems so crazy to give someone fake dna results? I can say though there is nothing SD seems to have inherited from him, looks or otherwise. But yes, nothing else makes sense. As soon as she got SD fulltime she applied for food stamps and said she was claiming her on taxes every year. But didn't apply for CS. 

But also, no, BM has not said a word to us. I have no idea how much she's talking to DHs family, but it seems to be starting with them more than her. On DHs familys side it makes no sense that they have 6 grandkids they haven't seen in over a year to years and they don't care, but they're losing their minds over SD.

thinkthrice's picture

I wouldn't put anything past these BMs.  Gir had SDBB doctor her W2!   Definitely get an independent, court ordered DNA test with results going directly to the court/your attorney.

thinkthrice's picture

Used some pdf editing software (Adobe Acrobat/Foxit Phantom/Kofax Power PDF) to reverse total earnings from $52,000 a year to $25,000.  He is somewhat computer saavy/has worked with computers so we know Gir didn't do it but put him up to it.  The magistrate accepted it instead of going to where it clearly showed her salary as $52K a year.

Jcksjj's picture

I used to work with pdf editing software, so I've always wondered if BM had somehow done that with the dna test. Or just ordered a fake one off the internet. BM is only a bit computer savvy, but her brother is extremely.

AgedOut's picture

I was about to post the same thing. if she comes after him in court, step 1 = paternity test.


because it's always struck me as odd that she doesn't want any child support but is willing to push to get his family to go against him. makes zero sense. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

It seems obvious to me that BM has been crying "poor me" to her ex's family likely to get money or other goodies out of them. She seems keen on avoiding the legal system but may have overplayed the situation looking for sympathy and handouts from his family. And them, being drama queens and mentally unstable, have now started attacking him because of BM's fibs about "poor me."


Jcksjj's picture

She wanted to be a part of their family more than anything. God knows why, all I know is her lack of family support is a huge insecurity for her. She can have them as far as holidays and stuff go.

SteppedOut's picture

Did your husband sign the birth certificate?

Patrrnity test may not prevent him from being named "dad" even after a test since he has been acting as dad - if he signed the BC...

It is very curious that she does not try for support tho...


thinkthrice's picture

These men are sooooooo naive!

Jcksjj's picture

Yep. Well to be fair he was only 20 at the time. She's actually older than him a couple years.

Jcksjj's picture

Idk, it's not coming to my phone lol. I told DH his options are either block him or wait til he says something stupid enough to get his own HRO.


strugglingSM's picture

What a weird family...they seem like a bunch of loose cannons. I would definitely block (or maybe just ignore, so you can still document the crazy messages hey send) and pretend to not be home if they show up. I would also install multiple cameras, including in places where they can't reach. So weird that the uncle would say "hope you have deep pockets" over something he should have zero personal vested interest in.

Also, weird that BM has not asked for CS...she must be hiding something. 

Jcksjj's picture

SO weird. I dont get why SIL and uncle are involving themselves so much either. They can't actually care that much and who puts that much effort into something that they get nothing out of? 

As far as BM, either she's hiding something or she's scared. She wasn't scared to say she's taking her fulltime though so...

I wish I could post pics so I could do a "whose the bio dad" haha. 

Winterglow's picture

Is it possible that one of your DH's close male relatives is actually SD's father? That would explain the motivation (especially if TWO  of them both believe that they are the father ...). It might also mean that it would be easier to "adapt" paternity test results in the past (only one name to change, possibly even only a few letters). IT would also explain why BM is so scared to rock the boat. I'd have that test redone by a court-approved lab. 

Jcksjj's picture

No, there aren't any male relatives of DH that it could be. BM admitted to one other possible dad to DH, told her friends about another, and then there was a 3rd guy that she supposedly didn't actually sleep with, just did other things. She actually almost didn't keep the pregnancy because she didn't know if it was DHs. I've always found that suspicious too, that she never even told the other guy(s) and pushed DH to act as the dad before they even knew.

Ispofacto's picture

I dont get why SIL and uncle are involving themselves so much either. 


DH is being disloyal to poor, poor MIL.  To some people, Loyalty is the most important moral foundation.  You probably value Fairness more.  To DH's dysfunctional relatives, he's being a bad bad boy.

This is why seemingly rational people can't seem to reconcile their differences from opposite ends of the political spectrum:


Jcksjj's picture

Ah. Makes sense. Seems cult-ish to me. FIL is a big Trumper, and I def see similarities in how he blindly follows MIL. And how he's a wimp that likes to pretend he's "tough" like MIL and Trump.

Ispofacto's picture

It's like we're living parallel lives.

DH's psycho sister Twat has now formed an alliance with Killjoy, not because she likes her but because she's anti-DH.  Twat and BIL are both huge racists, BIL being an openly racist cop, trying to get in with the eff bee eye.  They almost divorced when he cheated on Twat, but they are in debt and have four children they can't afford, taking handouts from FIL.  They all worship the lying, cheating Creamsicle Jeebus.


Jcksjj's picture

Ugh. Sounds awful. At least in my case the connections to law enforcement are on my side (my moms boyfriend and my brother, as well as I have a legal background and my best friend is an attorney).

SteppedOut's picture

Is it possible BM has told them your DH refuses to pay child support or to visit the child? 

Does your state allow for a long look back period for child support? If she were to file for support today, could she be awarded years worth of "arrears"? I thinks some states allow it (for differing time periods) and some do not. It might be worth looking into to see what the law in your state says. 

Jcksjj's picture

I BELIEVE but not 100% that it's from the date it's filed for. There is at least some record that DH was living with her when she was younger because BM had child support stopped when it was automatically filed to start with (because she was on state assistance. Also, she's in a neighboring state so that complicates it a bit, technically she could file in either state.

Its def possible BM has told them that. DH sent them a screenshot of her saying she refuses to bring SD over though so they know better, they just don't care. BM did stop texting us altogether after that though and just didn't show up so I bet she heard about it from them too. They actually hate BM, she's just useful right now. And I have no doubt she's crying about not getting cs, but she hasn't filed for it. DH has a well paying job that it would be taken straight out of his check from, so it makes zero sense for them to even believe he's just refusing to pay.