financial arrangement, will, money distribution in a step family created chaos and tension
when my dh and I got married, we did not have a prenup agreement.
DH and his ex wife are both comfortable middle class Americans. I own my own business, and had couple of rental properties. (overall, my husband was way more financially well off than I was.)
DH's ex wife recently filed bankruptcy and we just learned that she could no longer provide sd7 education fund, insurance, or any type of basic support. It is very likely that sd7 will live with us full time.
DH put money in a trust fund for our bio son every month. Not a big amount, perhaps $150/month. He said that he can no longer do so because we have other financial obligations now. (sd7)
I feel very resentful about this situation. I love my sd7 I have no problem with the kid. But I feel our bio son should't be the one making the sacrifices just because stupid bm couldn't be financially responsible.
If you were in my shoes, what would you say to your dh? Is it out of line for me to refuse the financial obligations?
DH suggests that if I feel very strongly about putting money in trust fund for our bio son, then I should be the one who do so. Well, asshole, I am the one pushed my baby out of my vagina, true, but I am not the one who made him alone. He is the dad.
I feel bad behaviors have been rewarded. Your thoughts?
Yes, problem solved
Yes, problem solved
Did he not have any financial
Did he not have any financial obligation for his daughter before? CS? How is her being there more of an obligation? You have a home. She is 7 years old. I imagine food / utilities won't increase that much. Clothes, obviously. I imagine insurance wise that he already pays for "family" so adding a child should not cost anything extra.
I have to be honest. You're right you didn't create your son alone, but his ex didn't create his daughter alone either. He is financially responsible for BOTH children. It sucks that her mother is a financial mess, but your dh isn't exempt from financial obligations to his daughter even if she were a financial guru.
Do you work? If so, then you put money away for your son. You only have an obligation to him, not SD7. If he is putting away money for her education, he should match it for your son.
"I am the one pushed my baby
"I am the one pushed my baby out of my vagina, true, but I am not the one who made him alone. He is the dad."
I'm sorry but just because you pushed a baby out of your vagina doesn't mean that you shouldn't be just as financially responsible for your child as he is. Can you both not put in 50% of the $150 as others have suggested?
Was your DH putting money into SD's account? If so, is he still able to do that? IMHO, both of HIS kids should get equal from him if he gets custody...which means that if you want YOUR child to have more, then you simply add more.
You don't mention what other "obligations" he's taking on aside from getting possible custody...care to go into more detail so that we get a bigger picture?
well, his ex and he created
well, his ex and he created that child TOGETHER> that is my point.
just because the dumb ass bitch was financially irresponsible and filed bankruptcy, does it mean now their daughter is our full responsibility? How does that work?
Bankrupt or not she should
Bankrupt or not she should have to pay cs. Does she work?
We haven't known the details
We haven't known the details yet. I am sure there will be a lot of papers to sign, and negotiation going on in the next couple of week. But my husband already told me that none of the stuff SD7 used to have will be cut, and since our son is too small (only 2), educational funding for him will be the first to go (to get cut), and I am expected to be okay with all these.
What a douche. I would flat
What a douche. I would flat out ask him why his daughter's luxuries are more important than his son's future?
their daughter's private
their daughter's private school / piano lesson / weekly hair appointment / weight loss program
My husband has no desires to cut these ridiculous list but our son's $150 educational funding has to be cut from his budget. Am I expected to be all okay with that?
Oh, absolutely not. See the
Oh, absolutely not. See the details make a big difference. No way your kid's education fund should take the hit so his daughter can have a bunch of luxuries. HELL NO
And wait.....weekly hair
And wait.....weekly hair appointments and weight loss programs for a SEVEN year old? WTF?
Yeah!!!!!! weekly hair
Yeah!!!!!!
weekly hair appointment exactly.
I don't even do my hair every week. But when she had her mother's money, I didn't bother to butt into their businesses. But now, all these things become our burden. I asked dh, "Just give her vegetable and healthy meat, no butter, and I will buy some exercises videos for her to lose weight naturally." Dh, "no, she only works well with a trainer."
Are you kidding me? The weight loss program costs THEM (dh and bm) $120/every two weeks, My son's education fudning $150/month.
Am I expected to be all okay with these? I am outraged!
So his ex is filing for
So his ex is filing for bankruptcy because she was giving her daughter luxuries she clearly couldn't afford and your dh has his head so far up his ass that he can't figure out that not making changes to his daughter's expectations might put you all into debt, as well?
No offense but your dh is being a douchebag.
She and he could afford that
She and he could afford that life style BEfore, but she cannot now, she filed bankruptcy.
DH's logic is that since we are still comfortable middle class Americans, what is the big deal to keep on giving sd7 that life style she was used to.
The big deal is
A. I am not HER bio mother, and I don't want to sacrifice my son's benefits for his daughter's luxury life style
B. Just because her bio mother filed for bankruptcy, I don't think their daughter becomes our sole responsibility. She is not died, is she? (sorry for being so insensitive, but reality is reality.)
c. Yes, DH is being a douchbag, but my financial well being and my son's physical, spiritual, emotional, financial well being are closely tied with him, what are WE (son and I) going to do about it.
My dh and I probably more
My dh and I probably more well-off than "comfortable" middle class Americans and there is no way in hell I'd be ok with my dh letting his daughter live a lifestyle, that I, myself, am not living. And certainly not at the expense of our child. I would add up the monthly cost of her "extras" and insist that that same amount go into savings for your son. And if you can't afford it then he has to cut enough on her end to make it fair.
exactly!!!!!!!!!! I so agree
exactly!!!!!!!!!!
I so agree with you.
Bankruptcy does not absolve
Bankruptcy does not absolve one from paying child support.
I checked online the found
I checked online the found this
Q: My ex-wife has declared bankruptcy, and now she says she doesn't have to pay child support. Is that true?
A: Child support payments generally cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. This means that a parent who owes child support cannot escape this duty by filing for bankruptcy. Bankruptcies do not act as a stay, or hold, on actions to establish paternity or to establish or modify child support obligations. The relationship between child support and bankruptcy is complex, and you may need the help of an attorney familiar with bankruptcy law.
I believe this is exactly our case. I know the bitch is consulting a lawyer because her whole goal is NOT to pay child support whatsoever (She never did pay childsupport before) She was supporting her daughter's luxury life style, piano lesson, private school, hair appointment, etc, etc. Nobody in our family has been paying child support, but the kid has a trust fund from both parents.
Now, since she filed bankruptcy, my husband insist on maintaining his daughter's life style, quite frankly, he expects me to act like his ex. That is something I am not going to do, hence the chaos and tension.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind words and advices. I will have a conversation with my husband tonight without accusation and yelling of course.
I thank God everyday that my
I thank God everyday that my dh isn't an idiot. He provides for his daughter twice. He pays cs and he has 50% custody and takes care of her here BUT he understands that I squirrel away extra savings for OUR son because I work, too, and I think my son should benefit from two working parents. He absolutely agrees with me. He is fair with both of his kids, but I earn, too. Our money is not split, but he is well aware that I won't tolerate our kid being treated unfairly because his needs to be kept in a "lifestyle".
I think you got a point
I think you got a point there.
I will tell him what I WILL Not do.
For example, starting next week, when sd7 is out there doing her hair, I will be taking my son out to the park (spending alone time together). When princess sd7 and DH the king come home, there will be no dinner. If he asks, "Where is dinner?" I'd say "we are not hungry, we already ate. maybe you can take sd7 to the nearby restaurant, and pay to get a good meal."
that is what I will do.
So is she giving up custody
So is she giving up custody because of the bankruptcy? Or is he trying to take it or what?? I am confused on that part...
Please don't do what I did
Please don't do what I did which is take over all the expenses for my sd14 and ss12. I buy all the clothes, shoes, pay for camps, cover medical costs, and everything else they need. It started because let's be honest DH wasn't doing back to school shopping. I always wanted to make sure the kids looked a certain way when they were with us and 8 years later, while my husband pays cs, I cover everything else. Flash forward to now and the resentment is so strong I could throttle my husband!!!! Sadly you love the kids, are expected to treat them as your own, but let's face it you aren't the BM, youre just the lucky ( interject sarcastic tone) lady that fell for their dad and in many cases inherited d load of baggage and drama for your efforts. Divorce?????
Just because BM filed
Just because BM filed bankruptcy doesn't mean SD is coming to live with you full time. If dad hasn't been paying CS all this time, why would anyone think all of a sudden Mom will begin paying? I agree with separating your finances and having all of her activities come out of his accounts. He'll decide soon enough what lifestyle he can afford for her. If there was never a cs order, I'd file for your son now. I kno you're not divorced, but the courts don't go buy oldest kid first. They go by the first CS order - which would become your son. which would mean he'll pay the first x% to him, and what's left to his dd. We didn't have an OURS kid, so we've always kept everything separate. he paid his cs and alimony and as he saw fit for kids extras. I did the same. Though there were sometimes some words about what was fair, overall we do our own thing with our kids and don't butt in too much. I bet the kid will stay with mom, and mom will take your dh to court for cs. the court will enter an order and dh will pay monthly... if he has no money left to pay the bills of your household or take care of your son - you have to choices. STay and pay the bills yourself and live a more meager lifestyle, or leave him, file for cs for your son, and live on that.
Bottom line is this - you knew he had a kid. you knew he was responsible for her support. you can't cry foul now.
You say he's well off yet he
You say he's well off yet he in effect claims your SD will do without food, clothing or whatever if he continues his trust deposits.
Perhaps his current income isn't what you think it is? Just asking.
Its not surprising to me when men place their first families wants over the new family as its very common. That's the family all his dreams are based in.
Don't have any more children. I wish I could have given you that advise before you had any with him. Any childless stepmothers reading this should find a childless partner if they want children of their own.
Oh by the way anyone who taught you that life was fair was a liar but if he buys the $75/$75 argument its probably as good as you're going to do.
Why would BM give up custody
Why would BM give up custody because she filed BK? Plenty of people do it daily and still have their kids. Isn't it easier to be a CP when you have no consumer/medical/legal/whatever debt to pay? I would think so...
A 7 year old does not need a personal trainer. She should be able to run a half mile 4 times a week and see weight loss benefits from doing that.