Where do you draw the line with MIL, am I selfish?-OT
I'm asking for honest opinions and wondering if anyone else has been here.
MIL is/was (strongly leaning to is at the moment) a drug addict. To be specific, she is on methadone(sp?)
MIL and her husband moved to MN after previously living in a warmer climate. They were both drug addicts and made a living by scrapping metal and selling. The housing for a brief period was a motel that they assisted in running the front desk in exchange for lodging. When this ended, they lived wherever they could. Constantly calling family for money, other issues. They came here a few years ago under the impression that family was buying them a car and going to assist them in finding housing. Unbeknownst to them, the family was trying to get them into a treatment center. I should add that nobody had told them they were buying them a car, we think MIL told her husband that to get him to come here. This did not go well, and they wound up bouncing from SIL back yard in a tent (she didn't want them in the house with her kids) to our one bedroom apartment. When our lease was up and we couldn't bring them with us, they became angry and resentful. I'm not sure about everything that came into play, but after about a year or so they kicked the methadone habit and had just been approved for an apartment. Then MIL husband passed away literally less than a week before they were supposed to move into the apartment due to horrible complications from withdrawal.
MIL had to move into a different apartment since the rent was based on both of them being on assistance and MIL assistance wasn't enough to cover it. She immediately enlisted the help of DH and myself to help her move since she didn't have the money for a moving truck. Being as we were now living with other family members ourselves, we didn't have the means to help her but DH ended up spending money he didn't have to help her move. SIL helped move two large furniture items with her van but left Dh and I to move all the little stuff.
This has been an ongoing trend with MIL. And DH is usually the culprit.
DH is deeply in debt, not just due to credit card/vehicle payment/student loans but he still owes me over $1000. He has been slightly better at giving me his share of money for the utilities, however he can never give me the money at the end of the month when I need it but always two weeks into the next month (first pay period of the following month). This is a struggle for me because I am essentially nickel-and-diming it while I wait for said payment since paying all of the utilities at the end of the month when they are due on my own.
MIL calls DH with "issues" all the time. She is in therapy, but despite having 5 children DH is her go-to. 3 of the 5 children are skids from her DH previous marriage, and it doesn't seem like they talk to her or spend time with her at all. SIL will pick her up and bring her to things on occasion with her family. However it seems whenever MIL needs to "just get out of the house" or needs anything, DH is her go-to and it's putting a strain on our marriage.
She discovered a bus stop less than 2.5 blocks away from our house and pops by whenever she feels like it; meaning our meal plans are out the window immediately and DH has to coordinate his schedule to drive her home. She basically takes over the house when she is over, helping herself to whatever she wants. Back when DH was rolling his own cigarettes to save money I caught her one morning after she spend the night on Christmas Day, she had rolled herself an entire pack from DH supplies and was stuffing them in her bag before Dh came downstairs. Those supplies were supposed to get DH to next payday, and she knew this. She also proceeded to follow Dh around the house whining like a child for "just $10", complete with the "please? please? please?" When I told DH about the cigarettes after he dropped her off he looked extremely sad but said "she's my mother".
Just recently she got the head-cold-cough that has been going around. DH has this "tonic" that he discovered online that helps clear the head congestion with a mixture of lemon, apple cider vinegar, ginger, cayenne, and apple cider. We had just bought all the supplies last month since SS got the bug and spread it to DH and myself after his four day stay. MIL called dh to gripe because SIL brought her a small bottle of brandy but she wanted something else. Before I knew it, DH had packed up all the supplies we had barely used and brought them over to MIL to have. Then she called back because DH had posted a picture of some butternut squash soup we had made and she wanted it. Despite us having enough left-overs for two more meals, before I knew it he had brought that to MIL as well. Keep in mind he had already driven there once already to give her the supplies. Then she proceeded to ask him for cigarettes because there were four days left of the month and she had used up all her tobacco already.
We don't have the money to keep doing this.
Every month she "runs out of something" before the end of the month and calls DH and he will jump through hoops to make it happen. Whenever I try to call him out on it, he gets mad. And I don't know how often this happens because she will text him while he is at work knowing he will stop by on his way home and not tell me.
I understand she is his mother, but where do you draw the line? And how? We are barely making ends meet. She gets food stamps, a government paid cell phone, government housing, and a small amount of cash each month. If we can't pay our bills, we don't qualify for help like she does. Who is going to pick us up if we fall? I've tried talking to Dh about this but he just gets mad. He won't say NO. This wasn't an issue since back when her Dh was alive they had twice the assistance money. Now with him gone, she can't seem to budget and it's up to DH. The only thing I know of that SIL contributes to is quarters for MIL laundry and occasional packs of cigarettes here and there. SIL doesn't work, so it's not as easy for her to "contribute" since her money is also her husbands. and they actually communicate on spending.
I feel really mean for even typing this blog, but we are living paycheck to paycheck and can't keep doing this. I don't have access to DH account, I"m wondering if one of the reasons he's so broke is that he's "helping" his mom more than he tells me.
Remember my old blogs on "he realized he somehow spent $1000 and doesn't know where it went" maybe this is why.
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Comments
We struggle with this too. Or
We struggle with this too. Or with him overly listenign to MIL... It's like they can't help themselves and want to do everything for them.
We did have a chat a while ago though. Where I explained he can't just stop by when she demands things, if his dad needs help, that's great, but our little family comes first.
Basicallyt he line is drawn that he can only help out once he's sure we don't need anything. Because that's at least finally getting through his thick skull (nothing else is). So if you're struggling financially, he doesn't get to contribute financially. She's an adult, and while she is his mom and he loves her. He needs to realize that she's not his responsibility, you and the kids are.
Why do you stay? Seriously.
Why do you stay? Seriously.
- Your SO doesn't pay for his share of your mutual expenses, meaning money he spends on SS and MIL is actually YOUR money.
- YOU are subisidizing a grown woman living in another home who you aren't related to.
- Your SO has never, and will never, stand up for you.
- Your SO can't muster an ounce of appreciation for anything you do at all.
There is no advice I can give you outside of leaving that will fix this, because your SO doesn't see a problem with his behavior. He doesn't see a problem in using you and making your life more difficult so that he can help Mommykins and Spoiled Son. At best, you are 4th in line below SS, MIL, and SO.
Everything about this is out of line. Everything. The line should have been drawn, at the very least, when MIL stole cigs. At this point, she could get away with murder and your SO would help bury the body. He'll, he'd admit he did it to keep her out of jail.
This doesn't stop unless he steps up or you step out, and your SO hasn't done much stepping up, well, ever.
She's an addict and just
She's an addict and just because he is her mother, it doesn't change the advice. You don't give in to an addict. How you get that thru to your husband is maybe some visits to Al-anon meetings. Depending on where you live, you might be able to find those types of meetings easiest. They should help you two figure out how to cut the cord and let her stop interfering with your life and finances. They are also free.
Your husband is caught up in an unhealthy family dynamic and will need help to see it, accept it and break free from it. You need to stop enabling him to keep it up. The co-dependent books by Melody Beatti might help you to see how the pattern plays out and if it is playing out in your situation.
I don't think you are selfish
I don't think you are selfish, but you sure are surrounded by selfish people.
I think Lieutenant Dad has
I think Lieutenant Dad is dead on. Until you leave your DH, you will continue to be venting about SS, MIL, finances, etc. Because from what you've written here and what you're often writing here on ST, your DH doesn't care what you think. He doesn't care about being fiscally responsible. He's going to do what he's going to do. And he'll continue to use you to subsidize himself, SS and MIL. He will spend you into the poorhouse before he says no to MIL and SS. He doesn't care about what you feel or what you say. He's made that clear; it's a recurring theme. If you want to be with him, you'll have to live with that, because that's just the way he is. You're not his priority; you're his financial backstop. HE is the selfish one, not you.
selfish
selfish
adjective
self·ish | \ˈsel-fish \
Definition of selfish
1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others; a selfish act
3: being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known functionselfish DNAalso : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replicationselfish genes
MIL is being selfish. Your DH is being selfish. But in none of the definitions of selfish does it say, "Not enabling addicts with money and tobacco."
MIL is an addict. You never
MIL is an addict. You never stop being an addict. You may be in recovery and be a recovering addict, but you are still an addict. Her behavior is that of an addict. DH is enabling her. You are enabling DH.
You can stay and complain about DH, but as you are learning complaining doesn't change things. Or, you can leave this situation and remove yourself from this. Or, find a Nar-Anon family group near you. Attend, with DH or without him if he won't go, and learn the tools you need to deal with this.
My ex BIL was an addict. We
My ex BIL was an addict. We dealt with it for 5 years. We paid for his rehab- 20K. We paid his rent after his wife left with the kids. We paid his car. Eventually he became homeless because we found out we were expecting our first child, we gave him 30 days to find work, he didn't and so exH bought BIL an plane ticket and he came to live with us. That lasted about 3 months. He kept lying about his job hunting. I kicked him out one day when my exH was on a TDY. He quickly got a job and found a roommate. He continued to try and suck $$ from us whenever he could. I was the one who had to put a stop to it. We blocked his number so he couldn't call my exH and he had to call our house line. It took me being the bad guy to make it stop! You might have to do this too.
I'm baffled as to why you
I'm baffled as to why you continue to 'subsidize' your DH. He has proven to you time and time again that he is financially irresponsible, yet you let him slide every month.
If you plan to stay with this man AND be financially sound (YOU), then you need to bring the hammer DOWN. Cut off his financial access at the knees. Take the checkbook. Take the credit cards. Take the bloody debit card. Give him an allowance or give him a debit card that has a SPECIFIC amount of money on it. Yes, an ALLOWANCE.
LOCK UP YOUR STUFF. If DH gathers up stuff to take to MIL, literally take it out of his freaking hands and put it away.
PUT AWAY THE FOOD IMMEDIATELY. If your MIL shows up at dinnertime, TOUGH. If you feel the need to feed, buy a case of ramen noodles and DH can either make her some ramen OR make it for himself and give MIL his plate of food.
It's called TOUGH LOVE. MIL is an addict. It is ALWAYS 'just $10' or 'just one cigarette' or 'just some leftovers'. Bottom line is YOU CANNOT AFFORD ANY OF THAT.
If your DH is so hell bent on helping MIL, then he should move in with her. STOP letting him do this to you.
Your question...Where do you
Your question...Where do you draw the line? You draw the line before you get married. Didn't your family and bff's talk to you about it?
Since you did not draw the line before marriage, knowing full well his parents were addicts AND his family wont stop the madness during your 2 blissful years of engagement,,,in so many words,,, you agreed to marrying into this messed up family. Harsh yes but it is the reality. BUT there is great hope.
Soooo you have two options. Stay with him because you love him or tell your new husband "I made a mistake, its ME not you...and cut your losses.
Thankfully you do not have kids with him correct? Nothing will stop this craziness because as you can see every ones behavior was their standard before you came along. YOU can not fix this.
NO your not selfish.
Give yourself permission to get away from all this, OR stay put and put up with it all. It is all up to you what you do.
Sincere best wishes for a healthier life moving forward.
she says methadone is legal?
MIL says she is not an addict because methadone is legal....I don;t know anything about methadone and I also don't know what her spending cap is from her "monthly money". My mom was also on various types of assistance and a smoker, she would budget. She also had a used car and paid car insurance. MIL takes the bus everywhere, I never see MIL with any new things, I don't know how much her monthly spending is but how can she not have any money?? Isn't methadone given to you by a clinic?
Methadone is a prescription
Methadone is a prescription opoid and legal. But... what does that matter??? People get addicted to lots of different, LEGAL drugs.
Hon, the facts are 1) that your DH cannot afford to support his mother, and 2) you cannot afford to support DH and his bloody poor money habits.
Your MIL is a ADDICT
Your SO is an ADDICT of a different kind. Nothing is ever going to change, you have to see that. Either you leave and make a life with out these addicted people. Or you stay, if you stay then stop venting, Because this it the life you chose
You are a very codependent
You are a very codependent person. You enable your H, and he enables his Dirtbag mother and Dirtbag family members.
You seem like a hard-working, intelligent caring woman. You're also one of the biggest wastes of potential on this board, because you are squandering your life and your talents on these trashy, trashy people. You can't fix or change these people; they are bottom feeders and lack the intelligence and self discipline to ever be anything more. But you? You 're different, and could have a terrific high-quality life if. Your only need to do some work on yourself.
I have addicts in my family, and my DH has addicts in his. We aren't perfect people and have fallen into the trap of enabling more than once. But we do not allow addicts in our home, period. Stop being a victim host to all these parasites, draw some boundaries, and learn to say NO, HELL NO.
So, your DH somehow thinks it
So, your DH somehow thinks it's ok for him to not pay you on time, which in turn makes you suffer and struggle....and he's fine with that? Knowing it makes you stressed. He is also fine with giving his money away, when you can't even afford to live on your own. Selfish is right. It sounds as if you both have decent jobs, since you don't qualify for Govt. assistance...I'm curious why he is not able to pay you, especially since you both live with family, if I read correctly?
I hate to say it...but your DH sounds like a loser. I wouldn't even stand a tenant putting me in the financial position he puts you in, much less my husband. He can't pay his bills, doesn't even have his own place to live, owes you money, (yet still smokes...I'm sorry, this one drives me crazy...people spending a ton of money on smoking when they can't even pay their own bills), yet gives the money to his mom instead. He has quite the setup. He gets to take advantage of you, do what he wants to do with YOUR money, while you have no say, and then decides he has the right to be angry with you when you speak up. Must be nice.