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Off Topic: More MIL Drama - Vent

CastleJJ's picture

So we announced my pregnancy to my MIL, BILs and SIL. They were all very excited. I did not engage much with MIL to avoid any unnecessary drama. I love my BIL and SIL and we are pretty close. 

So SIL calls me last night. They live across the country and she wanted to offer her "congratulations." We ended up talking on the phone for 3 hours. SIL and I are very similar and were raised with similar values, so we get along great and both of us have had a negative relationship with MIL. 

In my last 'MIL Drama' blog post, I posted about how MIL flew across country to CA to visit BIL and SIL for vacation, but refuses drive 2 hours to see us ever. Well SIL informed me that while they were in CA together, MIL asked for SIL's help coming up with an excuse to tell DH so she wouldn't have to visit us while SS was here. SIL was baffled by this request. Now mind you, DH doesnt care if we ever see MIL again, but then MIL always stirs up drama with BILs about how DH doesnt try and that he is the reason the family is broken. SIL also informed me that her and MIL discussed MIL and DH's relationship and SIL basically told MIL to talk to DH and work through whatever issues there are. MIL told SIL that it's too late to work through anything with DH, yet she has never talked about her issues with DH and refuses to acknowledge that there are issues when DH brings it up, so DH has just stopped trying. SIL also mentioned that MIL spent much of the trip talking about my parent's money and calling me a spoiled brat (which I already knew she thought about me.) My parents love DH and they have accepted him into their lives. They do a lot with us and have traveled with us several times. My parents are self-made and extremely hard working, yet MIL seems to think that my Dad was handed a trust fund. Nothing my parents do or say to MIL will change her opinion and she refuses to even enter the same zip code to where they live, even though she has met them once for all of 5 minutes. SIL believes that MIL feels inferior and is projecting all of her issues onto my parents. 

BIL and SIL are planning to move to our state, back toward MIL's city, next year. SIL expressed her anxiety about it due to the dynamics, but doesn't want to live in their current state anymore. SIL said that BIL is always quick to defend MIL, so SIL can never talk to BIL about the issues. BIL texted DH last night and said "When I move back, you all better be working on your relationships to fix this family or heads are going to roll." This pissed me off because BIL lives across the country and has always left us to clean up MIL's life messes while he directs his demands from afar. These "issues" have been deep-seeded for the last decade, if not longer. BIL moving back home after 15 years isn't going to change anything and it is wrong for him to expect it to change, especially when they aren't his relationships. I told DH that we are not bending over backwards to fix anything with MIL, because honestly, there is nothing to fix. MIL has a victim complex and has made up so much crap to make her behavior acceptable. We have tried to work with her and she cannot move forward, so there isn't much left to say. I just see WW3 starting next year. 

Comments

The_Upgrade's picture

Call me selfish but I'd rather be selfish than self sacrificing. My dad and his side of the family are like your MIL. I don't care how willing they are to "fix" the family. There's nothing in it for me. There's no benefit in inviting them into my life. I enjoy my life more with them out of it than with them in it. And after that revelation, it's a no brainer: doesn't matter if they call themselves "family". If they're better out than in then keep them out!

Gimlet's picture

How did your DH respond to BIL? 

It's always the person who has boundaries and expects the assholes to behave who gets the most static.  If only your DH could just sweep it all under the rug, like BIL does, we could all just get along, right?

Exactly the shit my family likes to pull.  Grey rock the shit out of BIL and hold those boundaries tight.  If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to see you.

You have nothing to gain from having that awful woman, or her flying monkey, around your family.

CastleJJ's picture

DH told BIL that DH has tried to foster a relationship with MIL for years, but that MIL is not willing to put in effort to maintain a relationship with DH so DH has taken a step back and focused on our family. DH basically told BIL that he will continue to focus on our family and if MIL wants to improve the relationship, then she can contact DH. 

Thumper's picture

First, Congrats on the wonderful baby new's. Hope you are feeling ok. Smile

Sorry about all this drama. 

 Maybe it is some of our's ages, but I agree, better to be selfish than self sacrificing. I figured that out in my early 40's.

Again, Congrats Smile

 

 

Delilah's picture

My response:

Heads will f*cking roll if you send me a message like that again...k...

MissK03's picture

Congrats on the baby!! My family isn't really close to one another and one my brothers tried to do something kind of on the same bases. 

He was trying to tell me what I SHOULD be doing for my mother at the time and he had been out of the state for almost 10 years. He had no idea. It was extremely frustrating and I finally said it was enough and cut him off. Sometimes it's just not worth it..

I am not one of those people that think families need to revolve around each other though. That whole "blood is thicker then water" stuff isn't for me.