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Yep, I was right-OT

iamlosingit's picture birthday.  When I got up for work that day DH got up shortly after, finished off the coffee himself, and sat on the couch with his phone (here we go again, wonder what he has "planned" after I leave).  Nothing was said when I left.  It wasn't until the afternoon that I got a Facebook message "Wife! We celebrate tonight!".  Great job DH...Facebook had to remind you it was my birthday.

I was optimistic at first because I left work at 2:30 and when I arrived home at 3 DH was somehow already home despite him normally not even getting off work until 3:30.  He baked one of the cake mixes I had bought...then realized I didn't have any frosting to go with it because we hadn't been shopping.  Then he gave me two choices of food that was already in the freezer for dinner.  My dad had given me a Birthday card when he had come over for Easter..I had intentionally waited until my birthday to open it because I anticipated everyone else not doing anything.  I waited for DH to make some sort of  He handed me one of my own drinks (as he opened one for himself) and said "Happy Birthday!" and gave me a hug.  I opened my dad's card in front of him and exclaimed how thoughtful it was (DH can be pretty dense...was hoping that was a good enough, subtle hint) and he said he had to run an errand and would be back in a few minutes.  I was pretty hopeful....

He came back in a few minutes.....

With beer for himself. 

While I was mentally banging my head against the wall, he grilled chicken for dinner then proceeded to take a picture of it on a plate for Facebook titled "Birthday Dinner!"  including a picture of the cake with no frosting.  My BFF text messaged me minutes after "he forgot again, didn't he? Don't worry, I got you something, next time I see you I will bring it over".  Hmm...maybe its an adult toy. ROFL

After dinner he handed me the Netflix remote and said "pick something YOU want to watch" and disappeared into his phone.  I glanced over...yep...he was texting BM about fekking "take your kid to work day" and arguing with her about SS getting up at 6 a.m. because "he has to see EVERYTHING that I have to do in the morning at my job!"

My grandparents on my dad's side sent me a happy birthday text.  My dad called to wish me a happy birthday.  Nobody else called.

We finished the movie and got ready for bed.  He was still on his phone while in bed upstairs, still texting BM about tomorrow.  I told him "today doesn't count as my birthday,  we are celebrating together when you have your birthday.  I expect at least a card that says "to my wife" on it, and we are celebrating for four DAYS."  He looked confused and said "why on earth would you wait until summer to celebrate?"

me: "because on your birthday, every year, we go camping.  We have a fire, we have special drinks, we have activities at the campsite.  We listed to music.  It is a week long expensive celebration/vacation and I want fo feel like I am being included in the festivities instead of sitting on the couch watching you on your phone with Netflix on".

It's after 9 and my phone rings.  It's my mom and grandparents.  They sang "happy birthday".  My mom said the wrong name.

She told me she had a chocolate bunny and a game that she bought SS for Easter that she wanted to give him.  I tried to have a conversation with her when she asked how I was doing.  I was telling her about my job moving and how big the new building was and that it had a daycare on site (I was really trying make this conversation as 'normal' as possible because it's really hard to do with her) and not even two sentences in I could tell she had stopped listening because she was talking to someone else in the background.  She said "um-hm,  well you don't have any kids anyway...well I gotta go" and hung up on me. Ouch. I think the entire 'conversation' was less than 6 minutes.

I just started laugh-crying at that point.  It's a pretty messed up feeling.  You are laughing but then tears start and you are sad but the whole thing is just such a mess that you are laughing with tears.  DH said "well, you tried, that counts for something right?" and went back to his texting.  My BFF texted again and asked if any other family called.  When I told her no she texted "your family sucks.  You need a new one.  Bet they never forget 'rich aunt's kids' birthday".  LMAO yeah, if only it were that easy.

SO....that's everything in a nutshell.  I guess I can't complain that much.  I am going to have a blast on DH "birthday week" weather anyone says happy birthday or not.  Don't care.

Take your sperm-donation to work.  Someone said this on my last post "take the day off" they were right.  I wish I had more PTO.  This is going to be hell.  SS is "so excited".  Yeah I'm sure...SS is "so excited to miss school" he's going to be bored within 3 hours.  Watch DH get fired for not doing his job properly with SS there, or for letting him push buttons.  I hope they don't take the kids on a "tour" at my job...I only have so many 'fake smiles' for the day as the knife slowly twists in my intestines.


Winterglow's picture

Sounds as if you were pretty sure this was the way things would go, right? Therefore, next year will be the same. Sooooooo ... you have telve months to put a little away every month. Next year, book yourself three days (all meals included) at a spa hotel for your birthday and make yourself feel special :)  You deserve it and you owe it to yourself!


tog redux's picture

The truth is, when you are an adult, no one makes a big deal out of your birthday anymore. If you want to do something for your birthday, plan it yourself and let DH know what it is, he's obviously crappy at remembering and surprises. Don't take it as a statement of your worth, and if he loved you more he'd plan something.  Some people just aren't good at that.

I have no use for gifts or anything on my birthday.  I will accept them gratefully if given, but it's taken me all this time to get DH to not give me a gift, because he feels he should.  I'd rather just go out to dinner and save money for something practical.

Take charge of what you need.


iamlosingit's picture

DH birthday is at a minimum 4 days off with a trip, drinks, bonfires, grilling, the whole 9 weather he has SS or not and I am involved in splitting the cost.  No, I'm not expecting a huge "hurrah" by any means, but after 9 years I expect him to not need a gdamn Facebook reminder for mine and SOMETHING; card, flowers, something.  I had mentioned the week before that he has not once given me a card that says anything refrencing "my wife" since we've been married.  Facebook reminded him, and he didn't even get a card despite leaving work early, he just posted something.  He is lazy.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Not in my life damnit. I make stuff for my DH and fuss over him. I’m planning an epic birthday for myself AND my mother.

Curious Georgetta's picture

are a child to expect your birthday to be a big event; I think that many people out grow that expectation as they become adults.

The people around you may be just not sensitized to your need to have your birthday be a big deal.

They are not uncaring; they simply have a different outlook about birthdays.

There is nothing wrong with telling them exactly how you wish to celebrate your birthday and reminding them as the time approaches. They will probably appreciate the specificity.

beebeel's picture

Oh jesus corpus Christi. Wanting a card and a cake with frosting is expecting a "big deal?" Shut. Up.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Ummmm.... Actually. Wanting consideration and those closest to you to actually RECOGNIZE your birthday. Those aren't something that are EVER outgrown.

Someone forgetting a birthday IS a big deal.

Pretending you didn't forget it and haphazrdly throwing together something that makes it obvious you forgot. Yeah. That's going to hurt feelings no matter who you are. It shows a lack of cosideration and care.

She didn't need something grand. But SOMETHING that showed he REMEMBERED and cared enough. That would have been just dandy.

ITB2012's picture

Exactly what PA said.

This year they did better but it was obvious most of it was last-minute and unplanned. And they know I want my bday to be recognized and to show me some appreciation.

The best gift I got this year was a card from my MIL. It had a really sweet message on the front and she wrote a very personal message on the inside about how grateful she is that I am part of her family and thinks of me as a daughter. She thought ahead (cause she had to get the card and write it and get it in the mail so it arrived in time), and she showed appreciation and made it personal.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I’m sure you’d be furious if your husband doesn’t roll out the red carpet for your birthday.

Aniki's picture

Damn, that was painful to read. I really want to kick your horribly inconsiderate DumbHusband in the 'nads. Does he honestly think that half-arsed attempt was an actual birthday celebration? Is he really that freaking clueless??? I'd rather go to the dentist and get a filling. I would return that craptastic favor and do less to nothing for his birthday. Gads.

SteppedOut's picture

Go on a real vacation, by yourself, during his birthday. He can go camping with his spawn...and pay for it by himself. 

iamlosingit's picture

We don't have SS for DH birthday this year due to the holiday schedule annual swap.  Since DH B-day is right after July 4th, the holiday schedule includes DH birthday so it rotates e/o year for who has SS.  This allows us to be able to actually go somewhere for a few days without a 'single day/4 hours visitation" messing it up.  The campsite that was chosen for his birthday is actually really nice with a lazy river, mini golf, all sorts of fun stuff.  DH wants to check it out so we can book it for when he has SS for July 4th next year.

SteppedOut's picture

Even better. He can go sit by the damn river himself and realize how much it sucks to be alone on your birthday. While he was "there" you were still alone, since all his time and energy were truly focused on texting BM.

Frustrated future SM's picture

I'm so sorry you didn't have the best birthday. I'm so used to being disappointed on my birthday that I don't even care anymore if people text me or not or whether I get a card, cake, or gifts or not. Instead I treat myself to whatever my little heart desires. I go shopping, get my hair done, go to events, and a couple years ago I started flying myself to different places in and outside the US. The trips are my favorite because they give me something to look forward to for months so I won't be disappointed when my birthday comes around and no one else does anything for me.

Happy belated birthday!

Gimlet's picture


There is nothing wrong with wanting your birthday to be recognized.  It is not too much to ask.

I know what it feels like to come from a family that doesn't value you.  From what I have read, your family expects your help but doesn't seem to give a second thought about your needs.  This is probably a dynamic that you are used to and it's repeating with your DH.  His birthday matters, yours does not.  He is fine letting you help him with household expenses, but has nothing to give back to you. 

Happy birthday.  The best gift you can give yourself is to expect more from the people around you every day, not just on one.

GirlfriendMom's picture

He did this kind of thing to me, almost exactly the same actually, on Christmas AND my birthday the last year we were married. He bought drinks for himself and invited HIS friends over. No gift. No cake or sweets. No dinner. He said he couldnt get me a card because he was running late to get home... as if he didnt have all year. So glad he is my EX. I disgress...  

 I completely disagree with some of the people saying your birthday isnt a big deal as an adult. If your birthday is a big deal to you, than it's a big deal. The least your DH could have done way spend some quality time with you. My god. You deserve so much more. From him AND your family. 

Cover1W's picture

My ex husband told me on my birthday, after we had returned from a vacation the prior week (that we both paid for, and was arranged prior to my birthday), after he arrived home drunk, "Happy Birthday!  I hope you enjoyed the trip to X place!" Laughed and walked off.  He did NOTHING for me.  I left less than 30 days later.

For OP, I would maybe suggest that she tell her DH what she would like in advance.  Some guys just don't plan.  My DH isn't a planner (as many of you know) but if I tell him, let's do this thing for my birthday or hey, can you do something nice for me next week - he'll DO it. 

And if this is just him, then she needs to plan something for herself. 

advice.only2's picture

Why are you so afraid to tell your DH exactly what you want? Instead you just play the "poor me" card as your DH continues to prove to you over and over again that he's just not invested?

What would it have hurt to tell your DH "it's my birthday tomorrow, I want to go out for dinner, I expect flowers and a card and I want a damn cake with frosting!" Now if he doesn't follow through then you can complain.

iamlosingit's picture

I did tell him.  He didn't want to, he said we had to save money for the upcoming camping trips this summer.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Then you inform him that's not good enough for you, that you work hard contributing to your partnership all year long, and there won't be any camping trips if you don't have a nice birthday.

This guy has proven over and over that he's no family leader, so don't just roll over and let him dictate terms to you.

tog redux's picture

Yes, I'm with you. Either tell him what you want or cut him loose if he's so disappointing. 

Dovina's picture

You deserve to be cherished and loved on your bday. I am saddened to read that your DH fell short, your family fell you know what? You have a weekend ahead of you to get out with a  close friend and go out and celebrate with them, your DH need not be invited. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I saved up and set aside taxes and took us to Disneyworld for Mine (and DHs). Got little recognition, but I did get to rock it where and how I wanted. (DH doesn't forget normally, but with things going on in our personal lives, I wanted something crazy. lol)

You deserved to have it rememvered. I'm beyond sad for you.



Exjuliemccoy's picture

We marry where our self esteem is at.

You settled for so little with this man, and continue to do so. So in that sense, you've taught him that it's okay for him to treat you poorly. You accept his crumbs, and instead of setting him up to succeed by telling him what you expected for your birthday, you let him fail so you could say "See? See how he failed me?!"

 TELL HIM WHAT YOU EXPECT BEFOREHAND. Give him He!! when he deserves it. Use your words, and give the idiot some guidance. Don't be a martyr, be your own advocate, and be proactive.

ITB2012's picture

That doesn't work. Guidance, reminders, direct statements, exact gifts (store, size, pattern) all get said or shown to the man and yet he still doesn't do anything. Buy your own gifts, setting up your own dinner reservations, those are all met with disapproval that we didn't have enough trust in them. Which we didn't because we did before and learned. Then when we lost our shit on them and when the bday rolls around again we get told that it will be a big deal and so we don't plan anything for ourselves, and it's not a big deal. It's not even a deal. It's a last-minute effort with nothing planned.

This year I sat all the kids down and used it as a teachable moment. I spoke for myself, for the rest of their family, and for their future SOs and family. I'm hoping the boys remember that to recognize their family's bdays shows love and caring and that the person is important. Last-minute, half-assed efforts make it look like the bday person is just another annoying item on their checklist of sh!it to get done.

Step-girlfriend's picture

This would really bother me as well. I don't need a huge deal to be made, but I would expect it to be remembered and some effort to be made, because that's what you do for people you care about! And for him to sit there and text BM the whole time about something that should be able to be settled in 3 texts, max, is ridiculous.

I got the day of my SO's birthday wrong (thought it was yesterday, but really it was Tues), so I was unprepared, but I certainly went out of my way to save the situation. My SO had grilled steak/chicken, potatoes, a cake with his name on it, and a gift. He literally doesn't care about bdays at all, but I never want him to feel like I don't care.

It sounds like our parents (parent, for me) are very similar. My dad will sometimes remember my bday, sometimes not. Sometimes he spells my name wrong. But he almost always stops listening after a few minutes on the phone. It's still hurtful even though I should expect it by now. Sorry your birthday sucked.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your DuH does NOT care about you. He only cares about SS and Biowh0re. He spent YOUR birthday txting with BM and didn’t bother doing the basics for YOUR special day.

He is using YOU for your money and your time and probably as a free babysitter.

YOU deserve much better. Leave that selfish, enmeshed bastard!

thinkthrice's picture

These precedents are usually set early on.   Chef forgot my birthday TOTALLY the FIRST YEAR we were together!!!!  HMMMM.  But he remembered SD's bday which is three days before mine.  HMMMMM  He would literally stop by a roadside and pick flowers for her.   Needless to say that never happens with me.  I usually do get a card though.   And the child vs adult bday thing.  I never had bdays coming up as my parents were devout Jehovah's Witnesses so I missed out on all that as well.

P.S.  Store bought frosting SUCKS!!   Homemade on a box mix is so much better!

Ursula's picture

This is probably harsh - but you seem to enjoy being the martyr.  You knew your husband would dissapoint you because, well...he is dissapointing.  He only cares about himself and his kid.  You are there to help foot the bills and nothing more.

Do you plan to stick around and do this all again next year?  And I truly hope you don't help pay for his awesome birthday camping weekend after you didn't even get a frosted cake.  Good lord.

iamlosingit's picture

I knew he was going to disappoint me this year because of "take your spawn to work day" the following day.  I dropped many hints, I mentioned the "my wife" card thing last week, I made many many references about simple things I needed to do my gardening (an actual shovel not from the dollar store).  We didn't even have a visitation day for him to spazz about, but since "take your spawn to work day" was the day after (and a non-visitation day), he put forth zero effort.  As far as the camping trip goes, a few mutual friends are going so I can ignore DH and have fun with them.

Gimlet's picture

If it wasn't take your child to work day, it would have been something else.  A normal, caring partner can have plans to make and still make time for his wife. 

This man does not make you a priority, period  He is just going to keep letting you down.  You deserve better but you need to believe that. 

shamds's picture

we often enjoy a mini getaway somewhere or if pregnant and not in the mood to eat out or go somewhere, i stay home and cook a lovely dinner but that makes me happy me and hubby can enjoy ourselves. Hubbys bday i just say happy birthday. He told me for my 31st bday my present was the daughter due to be born in 2 weeks time (it was a light hearted joke), a month after she was born hubby bought me a new iphone (push present/late bday present), hubbys bday pressie is sex lol... he’s usually too busy at work to go for a mini getaway so i cook dinner and bake a cake (that was pre- having 2 toddlers)...

i have to admit this year i did know it was hubbys birthday but forgot to message him at work... i was busy at home with 2 teething kids..... thats what happens sometimes when 1 partner is overwhelmed with work and life and another busy with kids.... but its the effort we do together daily that matters... but me and hubby are ok like that

usually our mini getaway for my birthday is for us to destress from stepcrap life and just recharge a bit

Cooooookies's picture

Forget the family bit.  I still can't get passed the fact that he was texting BM all night while doing F all for you on your birthday.

So he can't make any effort for you but is clearly making a huge effort to stay in contact with BM????!  H3LLLLL to the no.  I'd have a HUGE problem with THAT.  He is clearly putting effort into a woman, alright...but it's not you.  THAT is the core of the problem.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY my lovely.

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