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Happy Birthday "wishes" from skids? Stories welcome!

2Tired4Drama's picture

I just had a milestone birthday ending in a zero.  Had a wonderful day celebrating with friends and family and ending with a fun-filled dinner.  It truly was a birthday to remember.  I got cards in the mail, flowers delivered at home - the whole nine yards.  I am so thankful and I think celebrations like this show who really cares about you.

I've been slowly but surely disengaging from SD for quite awhile now.  The one exception is her birthday when I text her birthday greetings - and that's all.   I only text her because that is all she has done for me for several years now.  I figured I was only going to expend the same energy that she was doing with me which was a text. 

She doesn't do much more for my SO's (her father's) birthday either, just a phone call.   It is the one time during the entire year that she initiates a call to him - on his birthday.  I know he waits for it and acts like an addict with a drug when his phone rings and it's her.  She does not text him on a regular basis either.  He often goes months without hearing from her at all. 

The day AFTER my birthday I was busy running around and didn't have my phone on me all the time.  At one point in the afternoon I noticed a voicemail.  It was from SD saying "Sorry I missed your birthday.  Please give ME a call."  Needless to say, I did not call her back and I did not mention it to my SO either.   The last thing I wanted to do was listen to some bull story from her about how she forgot my birthday and get assurances that she was still a wonderful person.  Not happening.   Disengaged. 

Now she has sent my SO a text asking HIM if I got her voicemail.   He asked me if I had gotten a VM from her and I said yes.  I told him that she left a VM for me the day AFTER my birthday, asking me to call HER.  I told him I did not call her back.  He seemed a bit upset and walked away.  Later on I asked him what was upsetting him because I started to think he might be upset with me.  He said he was disappointed in her and her lack of effort.  I told him that I didn't feel it was my responsibility to call her back to get birthday wishes so I didn't do it.  I said she could have just done her usual and sent me a text for my birthday, which she didn't do either.  He again expressed his disappointment and that was the end of the discussion.  

I guess SD expected me to behave like her father and be thrilled because she took time out to actually call me.  And when I didn't jump on the SD-worship bandwagon and immediately call her back, it must have stuck in her craw.   I find it interesting that she texted her father asking if I got her voicemail - I see right through that little move.  She was trying to show him that she "tried" and earn a few Brownie points for herself.  If she was truly interested if I got her message, she could have tried calling ME again or texting ME. 

The irony in this whole story is that I saw a post and photo on FB where SD and her husband (SIL) just threw a big surprise birthday dinner at a restaurant for his father with "lots of friends and family."  SIL's father is an ex-felon with a decades-long rap sheet including domestic violence.  SIL and his family have no money, so SD is most probably the one who picked up the tab for the dinner.  SD has known her husband for a grand total of less than 2 years so this was quite a bash she planned and put on for her FIL's birthday.   I didn't tell my SO about this as I know it would be devastating for him to hear.  

Yet her own father gets a phone call.  And I've been around for half her life and I get a message to call her back. 

This is just a vent more than anything else.  I am sure many of you have plenty of examples of how skids try and cover their tracks to maintain their reputations with daddy (or mommy) when they have failed at the basics normal relationships require. 

Anyone else have some legendary birthday shenanigans stories they'd like to tell?   How you were dissed or ignored?  What was the most ridiculous or insulting gift you've received?  Do share... 

tog redux's picture

I don't expect my SS to even remember my birthday, I'm not his parent. Nor do I do anything for his birthday, he's not my son.

I actually think her calling you at all for your birthday was pretty decent, but I maybe I don't know the whole story.

2Tired4Drama's picture

In my SO's culture people's birthdays are HUGE.  They don't make as big a deal out of Christmas or any other holiday but birthdays are considered a celebration of that individual's life.  There are special cultural traditions that take place, especially for milestone birthdays.  As just one illustration of the importance, one of my SO's relatives is terminally ill yet he sent me a birthday card from overseas which arrived in time. 

 

futurobrillante99's picture

In the 4 years I was with stbX, his kids only wished me a happy birthday in person when there was cake to be had or their dad reminded them. A couple showed up to my surprise 50th birthday party to get drunk with their friends.

No cards. No texts. Not a single Christmas gift. I had to remind the skids to do nice things for their own mother, so it wasn't just me - they were raised to be self centered and entitled people.

Major Blunder's picture

Birthdays are mostly overlooked by both SDs, if they do anything they ask theior mother to tell me Happy Bday through a call or text, that way they don't have to actually say it to me and it appears to their mother that they care, IMO.  More than likely she (DW) has to tell them it's my Bday and then I get acknowledged, which is fine I don't acknowledge them unless I have to physically see them, then it's just a simple Happy Birthday.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I know my SO used to remind his daughter about people's birthdays but he did say that he no longer does this.   She is well into adulthood now so he said it's up to her to take responsibility for remembering others.   

marblefawn's picture

A gift? Ha, ha! That's rich...

SD sent me an e-card a few years. Then it became a one-line email wish and I was surprised she did that much.

Last year, nothing, which is what I expect. But then she started calling her father incessantly asking HIM if I received her email wish, as if it was some expensive thing she wanted to be sure arrived safely. For a month she asked him if I got her email birthday wish and like an idiot, he kept asking me...because, you know, email takes so long to arrive. SD never asks about me as far as I can tell, so like you, I knew this was a big show for her father to prove what a gracious SD she is.

I waited for it to be dropped, but he kept asking so I finally had to lay it down for him: she didn't send it. If she was so worried that I received it, she might call or email me asking ME if I got it. She is putting you on. It's a show. So let's stop pretending. She only wants YOU to know she made the gesture and...she didn't, so stop asking me and drop it.

I could tell my husband doubted my read on the situation. I didn't give a damn. I was powering up to disengage at the time. A few weeks later, SD sent a postcard to our house addressed only to him. I made a bigger deal out of that because it fell into her pattern of subtle messaging: Marblefawn does not exist in her world. That one little postcard was what finally made me totally disengage from her.

From our early history, I never expected SD to acknowledge my birthday. I was never asked to sign any cards sent to her, even though my husband always asked me to sign cards to his other family members. When I was still trying to bring us together, I told him he should let me sign cards to her so she knows I wish her well and I exist. I think it happened one time. I got tired of asking to be part of their little "thing" that they have going. I was fighting her for my place and I was fighting him for a place in this marriage and it was exhausting.

When I still visited her, I'd see cards he sent for her birthday or Christmas displayed, so I knew he sent them. What did it say to me that I was not asked to sign anything to her, but was always asked to sign cards for others? It was a slight by both of them, but especially him -- it was as if he was ashamed that he married me or was trying to downplay my existence as his wife. Any wonder it was OK for SD to treat me like shit for so many years.

When I disengaged, it meant I could give them both exactly what they wanted and I wouldn't feel slighted anymore. Let them have their little club.

When a relative of SD's husband died, my husband asked me to send them a sympathy card. I wrote the greeting only to the son in law and addressed the envelope only to him, even though I knew SD was close to the relative. Disengagement gives me the right to give what I got.

Obviously, I think your read on your SD's non-text was correct. However, when I did get an email from SD for my birthday, I always acknowledged that tiny effort because, after all, it was a tiny effort. I'd write one line back thanking her and left it at that. So I'd respond to your SD's text with a text in kind -- thank her and let it go. That she missed your actual birthday by a day is minor -- people do get busy and days fly by. She did text you so I'd give her that much back so you can never be accused of ignoring her effort. I think that's the civil thing to do -- no more or less than she did for you.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Actually, that's what she has done in the past few years and what I expected this time.  I did respond to those previous texts with a brief "Thanks!" which is what she always did to mine.  It was polite but highly impersonal - which is how she's always treated me.

This time she left a voicemail and expected me to call her back.  Being disengaged, I see no reason to do that.  I also don't understand why she left a voicemail when texts are what she has typically done.  

She certainly had no problem remembering her FIL's birthday since she managed to reserve a room at a restaurant, invite friends and family, and then have it all posted on social media.   She would never do anything like this for her own father, that's for sure.  

 

KC is not the stepmother's picture

My, DH's, and SD32's birthdays are all within a two week span with SD's last so what I do for her depends on what she does for DH. I don't care if she remembers mine.

Usually I would order something online and have it shipped to her.  One year she complained that I should have it shipped to me first and then wrap it and send it to her with a card. After that she's lucky to get just the card. 

Lisa mckay's picture

25 years I have never forgotten her birthday always me who got a gift for her rarely does she bother with mine its always late and gift no. I won't bother anymore.

 

Siemprematahari's picture

I always get text messages from my husbands son. As for his daughter she use to and after the last blow outs we've had I haven't received anything since and I'm ok with that. Although she did put forth the effort I never felt it was genuine on her part. She only did it so she can say to her father "look dad I reached out". It makes me no difference especially now that I am disengaged.

KC is not the stepmother's picture

She was just looking for something to complain about.  

One year it was oldest step-GS (OGSKID?) 10th birthday and I had ordered what he had requested from Macys, spent $200.  They live in another state (Thank God!). I confirmed on the UPS website that it was out for delivery, and I texted that to her.  His party was the next day. At 9 pm she texted me THAT IT FINALLY ARRIVED and she was so concerned that it WOULDN'T ARRIVE ON HIS ACTUAL BIRTHDAY! 

Good God woman chill out, it's skinny jeans and button up shirts because that's what he asked for, they don't need refrigeration.  

2Tired4Drama's picture

SD could have tried calling me again, could have texted me or could have let it just drop.  The fact she texted her father asking if I got her message is a clear attempt to make herself look good.

Your SD seems to have the expectation that your gifts are not only under her direction, but her timeline as well!

grace8205's picture

My adult skid never acknowledges my birthday. Sometimes we will go out to dinner with my MIL for my birthday and skid shows up for the free dinner and does not say a word. 

My DH one time bought a card with a gift card from skid and had him give it to me. I looked DH squarely in the eye and thanked him not skid. I have since told DH do not by presents (birthday and Christmas or any other holiday) for me from skid. I will not thank him for something that he did not do and just stop it. 

I say Happy Birthday to skid if I see him on that day but otherwise I don't call or text. 

Rags's picture

The kid calls me.  We call  him on his B-day.  It is our thing.

It is nice, we give each other crap, it works for us.

2Tired4Drama's picture

You have a great relationship with him and it shows!  I think it is different between males than females, though.  It's much harder for stepmothers and female skids as proven by more than one study,and as evidenced right here on the stories on StepTalk.

I wish I had gotten to the point with SD that I could joke and "give her crap" as it is a sign of an affectionate relationship between people.  I envy you...

SacrificialLamb's picture

For years my OSD, now in her 40's, called her father to tell me happy birthday.  This way she could put on her most charming and giggly voice that she thinks is attractive.  The last time she did it I just started laughing. We now no longer acknowledge each other at all and I prefer it this way. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Used around Daddy - to reinforce what a cute, lovable little daughter she is.  I wish I could be bold enough to laugh when I hear it but unfortunately my SO falls for it.  Every. Single. Time.

His own voice even mimics hers on the rare occasions now when he talks to her.  It's the classic Disney Daddy soundtrack of a man who is terrified of saying the wrong thing or using the wrong tone, lest his darling daughter cut him off completely.  Blech.  

TexasPickles's picture

Adult SD would send my "happy birthday" wishes via text to DH. And he would be so thrilled! "SD says Happy Birthday!" he would say excitedly, and proudly show me the text. VOMIT!  She always was snarky and treated me like the invisible stepmom in person but made sure DH thought she was just the sweetest, most thoughtful step-daughter ever. 

And  DH would be crestfallen when I didn't act like her text was an AMAZING gift. We even had a couple of fights over it, on my flipping birthday, because he felt I was not grateful enough. 

After I discovered this site and found my shiny spine, the texts ended. Or maybe he just doesn't tell me. Meh. Either way works because I am completely detached from skids. 

 

 

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I am hopeful that from now on I don't hear from her at all, ever.  I'm just done - over her.  Disengaged.  

Too old for this's picture

I thought I was the only person to experience this!  One SD ignores me completely, the other may tell DH to wish me happy birthday.  Why do these men fall for this manipulative b.s.? As TexasPickles says they think it is a gift.

 

thinkthrice's picture

consisted of a hastily inkjet printed greeting card which enclosed 3 lottery tickets. . .one for each skid.

Nope never got a "happy birthday" from any of them.   And never will.

SteppedOut's picture

I got a happy bday text from my formerSO's daughter after I left him. It was the first time she acknowledged my birthday...lol, first text ever!

Normally she made a point to not even look in my direction, let alone speak with me. She called my babyBS (her 1/2 brother) "it", instead of his name. Think - why is it doing that? I dont want to hold it. 

She was showing daaaddddeee how nice ahe was to me as a way of manipulating him. (Seeeeee it's not myyyyy fault she left, can I have money for xyz). Literally he gave her money because she was so nice to send me a text. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I would have lost "it" on them!  That's despicable.  Did your DH ever hear her say that?  If he did and didn't nail her for it, shame on him.

Your former SD and mine are working off the same play book.  I am certain any rare greetings she sends my way (or other family members' way) are not sincere, just ploys to make it seem like she is a loving, caring individual.  Sorry, but no one is buying it from her anymore - especially me and my SO's family.  

SteppedOut's picture

Oh he "never heard her her". None of the family did, or at least nobody ever said anything. (They were all right there when she said it, no way it wasn't heard) Poor thing was just "getting used to the idea of it". Bullshit. She was 15. And both she and her brother had ZERO problem with any of their mother's SOs, and ZERO problem with her having another baby. 

Ispofacto's picture

As an adult, I don't care about my birthday, and often forget it myself.  I don't care if anyone acknowledges it, it's just another day to me.

 

queensway's picture

My skids never sent a card or called me on my birthday. Really I could care less. I spend my birthday with people I love and love me. I guess that is why I have a Happy Birthday.

Sandybeaches's picture

I can relate to your situation. My Step kids rarely remember my birthday.  They are ALWAYS reminded by my husband and never remember on their own.  I have known them since they were 10 and 13 and they are now 25 and 28.  

I always had gone way out of my way for their birthdays and Christmas.  We always have Christmas with them on Christmas Eve and I plan a big celebration and do all of the cooking and shopping.  The one year that they gave me a card, it was a pretty hard Christmas for me as I had just lost my mother and I was trying to put on a brave face and make things nice for everyone.  I got a card from them where they actually wrote that they were starting to feel like maybe that could start thinking about accepting me into the family and then signed it Sincerely with their names.  

Needless to say they did not accept me into their family then or for the last 15 years.  However, they have accepted me just fine when they want something.  I will also point out that they never even told me they were sorry about my mother who died very suddenly.  She also used to send them gifts for birthdays and holidays.  

Anytime I ever say anything to my husband about any of their behavior, he is always saying "poor kids he feels so bad for them they have had it hard"  REALLY?  

Some have written that is not their child so they don't expect anything, I disagree.  Just because someone is not your biological parent doesn't mean you shouldn't  be courteous and acknowledge birthdays, holidays and deaths.  After all this person is someone important to your parent and really how hard is it to just acknowledge such events? 

I would be willing to bet if you had forgotten you SD birthday it would have been a whole different story!! 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I feel your pain, as I went through the same thing prior to deciding to disengage.

In this case, SD is well aware of her father's culture (and that whole side of her family) towards the importance of birthdays.  This does not apply to just family members but to friends, coworkers and even strangers.  Birthdays ARE a big deal!  And knowing this, it is a slap in the face to my SO when SD chooses to ignore others.  

And you are absolutely right - if her father didn't call her on HER birthday she would be angry and indignant that he didn't find time to acknowledge HER.  

sandye21's picture

SD has never acknowledged my Birthday - OR DH's.  I would rather have it that way than the phony B.S. your SD is pulling.  another episode of 'Making SM look bad'.   I like your 'cut the B.S.' approach.

One time SD was visiting on my Birthday and became enraged when DH wished me a Happy Birthday.  Neither she nor her husband would speak to me or even look at me for the rest of the day.  And of course, DH never said a word to her or her Husband.  Now I am completely disengaged from her so I could care less of her Birthday.  Judging from what I've received from her the few times I DID receive a Christmas 'gift', I'd rather she forget.  LOL

steponmeagain's picture

Skid and I don't talk much.  When he calls the house I don't answer as he is calling to talk to his mother.  Father's day he calls, I don't answer as i don't thinks its for me.  I guess I hurt his feeling as he had to tell his mother about it and I am the bad guy.  I sad really.  No happy birthday in years.  No Christmas present in years even though we spend lots on him.  He has my cell number so he could call or even leave a message.  Its all about gaslighting and making them look important and caring even when they are not.

2Tired4Drama's picture

That's exactly what my SD did when she sent my SO a text asking if I got her voicemail.  Why wouldn't she send ME a text?  Because she wanted her Daddy to think she was such a wonderful girl by letting him know she "tried" but I didn't immediately jump and call HER back so I could bow down and get belated birthday wishes from the Princess.  

Lisa mckay's picture

I long gave up on SD remembering my birthday. She once wished me happy birthday 3 days late after she saw my son her half brother make a Facebook entry three days after my birthday. My husband doesn't think its anything for me to be upset about. Few years ago I used his phone there  was a message to Hus ex wife wishing her a happy birthday from both off us.BULL SHIT that never happened again.

 

elkclan's picture

I had the best birthday this year that I've had in a long time this year because of how my SO organised all three boys (including mine) to do stuff for me. It was all little stuff. My OSS was sad because I had to make my own cake (the only one I trust with baking is YSS and he's too young to do that on his own, so I didn't mind at all.) 

Next year I'll be away for my birthday with none of my kids around. I expect it will be pretty good. My SO travels for work and he's taking me with him this year (he'll make me work though...)

My ex on the other hand... did eff all for me and refused to do anything for me on mother's day as I wasn't his mother. 

DisengagedSm54's picture

I have amusing antedotes on all three of these Days. 

1st year / we were only dating. BF asks me if I would pick up a couple of things that his DD12 had on her Christmas/Birthday (12/21) list. I told him I would, just trying to get along and he didn't have tons of spare time. Oh and also a card for her too. Well birthday comes and his Mom her grandmother and her uncle come and we have cake and ice cream and the gifts that she asked for. 1). she sees the cake and says I already have that cake at my Mom's 2) opens the gifts that she asked for and remarks Oh my Mom got this for me already. Looks at me and says can you take it back and give me the cash? 3). Next thing you know her Mom is in the driveway, she called her because she was ready to go home. Not a word of thanks to anyone, even her own grandmother. Why did I stay for more??

Mother's Day / we were married when this happened. Not sure what year but probably 2010 or so. She had never said anything to me for my birthday, Mothers day or any other day. We were out of town in the mountains for the weekend, started home Mother's Day morning. We are going down the interstate and my phone rings, but it is not a number I know or recognize. I ignore it. About 30 minutes later same thing. No voicemail left, I'm totally not worrying about what it is. Don't care... The next time it rings, he looks at me and says "would you please answer it, it's SD calling to wish you Happy Mothers day. I laughed in his face and ask why. He asked her to call to make things "better" between us. What a Hoot!!

MIL birthday- H comes in from work, talking about SD and how he gave her $50.00 to send to his mom from her for her birthday. I asked him why he would do that. He had no answer. He knew  she was a selfish snot. Just wanted to make his mom think she was a sweet child. She was 20 years old. 

I totally disengaged from her, she began to come see her Daddeee at work to ask for money, which he gladly supplied. They began colluding behind my back and I promptly divorced him and consequently her too. Took my 1/2 and went elsewhere. 

Stories are all the same, where did these people come from????

2Tired4Drama's picture

"she began to come see her Daddeee at work to ask for money, which he gladly supplied. They began colluding behind my back and I promptly divorced him and consequently her too.

LindaLee's picture

At one time, we were VERY close to SD, and had a pretty good family relationship, until last year, but that's another story.  Back when we were talking to SD, she invited us over for coffee and gave her father 2 bags of M&M's for his birthday.  On father's day he got a phone call.  At Christmas, she gave us each a coffee mug with a picture of the grandchild.  The following year, she gave us an ornament that the 1 year old painted.  I put a bug in DH's ear, and he suggested to her we not exhange gifts anymore.  When my mother passed, she texted me a "I'm so sorry"  Really, that's the best you can do?  On my birthday she sent a text "Happy Birthday" with a party icon.  Two months later, on her birthday, I sent a text at 8 pm "Happy Birthday" with no icon.  Moral of the story is You Get What You Give.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Speaking of mugs, a few times when SD was a teen she went on trips with some of her friends' families.  On THREE occasions, she brought back souvenier mugs for her father and I.  The funny part was that each time, the mug she brought back for ME somehow broke each time!  The first time, she actually gave me the mug in pieces.  The other two times, she just said mine "broke" in her suitcase.  Miraculously, the ones for her father were much sturdier and remained in one piece.  LOL!

Same goes for the previous birthday texts.  I always tried to send a somewhat thoughtful message, like "Enjoy your 21st birthday and having your first LEGAL cocktail.  Do you have any special plans?" I did this to try and attempt a bit of dialogue but it never worked.  Her response to me was  always just, "Thanks!"

The only thing I ever got from her was the same as you, "Happy Birthday!"   So I just started responding in kind, "Thanks!"  Why even bother...

And yes, she is getting what she gives from now on.  Which is no greeting at all on her birthday- just like she does for me.  Maybe a day or two later, if I think of it, I'll send her a belated text.  

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Most of us deal with skids who weren't raised properly. These precious Children of Divorce often get the Bargain Basement Parenting package, meaning BM does the minimum amount required to keep the skids from being completely feral, throws in a good dose of alienation, and completely skips the social graces and empathy part.

And where are the fathers in this mess? Why aren't they teaching their kids to give as well as receive? Why aren't they guiding and instructing kids on how to treat others? I happen to really enjoy doing nice things for others. It's such a great feeling to make someone else feel happy and special, so it's a shame to deprive precious skids of it. It's just crappy parenting that skids aren't made to write thank you notes, remember birthdays or do anything nice for others, and fathers deserve just as much blame as mothers do.

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

In my case, like many Disney Dads, my SO had already been alienated and was terrified that the kids would pull away from him more if he tried to do any real parenting or disciplining.  So they learned he could be sh@t on without consequence, and his feelings were irrelevant.  

This recent birthday issue I had is a prime example:  SD texted HIM to find out if I got her voicemail.  Why didn't she call me back or text me?  Well, because she wanted to show daddy what a good girl she was trying to be by letting him know she left me a late birthday voicemail!  

IMO, he should have picked up the phone and read her the riot act.  He should have reminded her that birthdays are culturally important to his family and him. He should have told her that she should have tried calling ME again, or texting ME.  He should have told her that as an adult she has a responsibility to acknowledge that fact and if she can't, then she and her husband can expect the same from him (nothing) from now on. You get what you give.  

The thing that angers me is she had no problem setting up/paying for a special surprise birthday party at a restaurant for her FIL, who she's known less than 2 years.   Can't even send her own father a card in the mail. 

sandye21's picture

"He should have told her that as an adult she has a responsibility to acknowledge that fact and if she can't, then she and her husband can expect the same from him (nothing) from now on. You get what you give." 

The thing that I encountered with my DH was that he didn't make an attempt to view this type of behavior from my perspective.  I was just amazed at the amount of resistance my DH had when faced with something that would be considered blatant and cruel to the average person.  What was important to him was valid, and his resistance to see the truth was wrapped up in his ego.   I came to the conclusion that he was emotionally blind when it came to his personal comfort and wellbeing.

If SD forgot or became angry when he wished me a Happy Birthday or some sadistic slam came out of her mouth, a magic shield rose out of the floor to block his comprehension, so he could exclaim, "I didn't see it", when it was brought to his attention.  And if SD completely forgot his Birthday or Father's Day it was probably my fault - somehow - something I must have done to his 'precious' to make her forget him. Like your DH, fear played a gigantic role in his decision to downplay her obnoxious, disrespectful behavior - she was his only child - I can see that.

Whether intentional or not, DH taught me a lesson: Love begins with self, and this is something women tend to shy away from.  We as women tend to be the nurturers.  We overlook a lot for the sake of the appearance of family and the love we crave - even if we have to fool ourselves into believing it is love.  I think standing  firm, putting myself first in my life, disengaging and allowing him to deal with SD's 'inconsistencies' and behavior on his own forced his eyes to finally open.  I am not involved in acknowledgment of any kind between SD and myself.  If she fails to wish DH a Happy Birthday or Father's Day he knows the communication is strictly between himself and his daughter.  Since I don't communicate with SD I have no expectations of anything from her, and I am clearly not responsible for her relationship with him.  If SD chooses to ignore DH on his B'day, I respect the fact that he is an adult and can take care of it how he chooses.  I don't expend any mental energy on it - another lesson from DH.

Take yourself out of the game entirely or respond to SD in the same manner she communicates to you.  On her Birthday, while your DH is on the phone with her, yell so she can hear it, "Tell SD Happy Birthday from me!"

2Tired4Drama's picture

If he calls her while I am around, I will just shout out a "Tell her Happy Birthday from me!" and then go in the bathroom, turn on the exhaust fan and stay in there until he's off the phone.  Do you think he'll get the hint that I'm taking care of "business/b.s." in more ways than one?? ha ha

sandye21's picture

He can't really say anything can he?  LOL

CANYOUHELP's picture

DH gives them plenty of cash on all occassions, they would not be around him otherwise and he knows it.  Nonetheless, buying their attention is something he appears to like to do, so he can do it.  The money thing does not bother me at all, and now that I have been away from that sick crowd for sometime, I am feeling happy about never being excluded to my face. They never gave me over 20.00 of anything even when I was trying to fit in....  I did have to watch DH get is own personal presents and they were quite generous to him whenever I was around.  I honestly believe they only did that to make certain I felt even more excluded in the family, in retrospect.

I want nothing from people whom I never want see again....so, I am thankful for nothing and peace. There is no present or recognition they could give me to make up for the years of misery. Happy to be free!

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I went through the same thing, and since you've mentioned it, I understand in hindsight now what was going on.   My SO would get a set of golf clubs and I would get a pair of clown-sized slippers.   What better way to tell someone they aren't part of the "tribe" than a purposely unthoughtful gift!

CANYOUHELP's picture

So actively passive aggressive, huh? If we say anything-- we are selfish family garbage. Just another way to put us in our place if we hang out with them; and they love putting us in our place, no doubt.  And, weakling daddeee scared to death of them....thus, disengagement :). 

moose's picture

15 years. Never have  gotten  birthday, Christmas , Mothers day card,text anything from either adult  Stepkids. My three adult kid always get DH a birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day presents or cards. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I can't imagine your DH can't help but make comparisons.  Your kids treat him like one of the family, his kids treat you like a pariah.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I can't imagine your DH can't help but make comparisons.  Your kids treat him like one of the family, his kids treat you like a pariah.

moose's picture

No not at all His standard answer to everything. “They are adults and I have no control over their actions. They are who they are and I can’t change them”. I am sure he has never said a word to them. 

No card or acknowledgment  of any kind when my Mother and Brother passed away last year either. DH never said a word to them then either.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Moose, there is a very silver lining to this for us though...freedom..complete freedom now.  Those words spoken by your husband are my husband's exact words, verbatim. Truth is, all the trouble they have been in,  their illiteracy;  and their classless acts-- truly indicate nobody ever had any control over them.  DH's live with the fallout of their poor parenting forever. We cannot change any of that dysfunction.

Stepaside-1987's picture

I would expect the same from my Skids...  It made me sad to read that.  Sorry for the loss of your mother and brother.

2Tired4Drama's picture

It's obvious your skids had none for you.  No reasonable person would ignore the loss of someone's mother and brother without saying a word.   I hope this awful show of disrespect stays in your DH's mind and memory.  He should be ashamed of the spoiled human crop he raised.  

DisengagedSm54's picture

Well this too triggered a memory for me. My own DD lost her husband of 9 years in 2007, he was accidentally killed in a tornado of epic proportions in our area. She had two small children at the time (aged 2 and 4).  DH and I had only been married for about 2 years and I was distraught and just "raw".  

SD could not spare the time to come to funeral home or funeral, She was just soooo  busy. I didn't want or need her there, but it was telling. My DH repeated her response to me when he told her of the death. It was simply and I quote "That's too bad"

I filed that away and never forgot it. She lost her own mother a few years later and DH just insisted that I go. It was a carnival to say the least. Invites went out by text message and FB. It was a money grab, she needed to pay for the cremation. Oh and the preacher of the funeral tried to give away her mothers dog to anyone that might take him. You just cannot make this stuff up. 

What a happy day when my divorce was final and I no longer was in their lives.

2Tired4Drama's picture

After that despicable "Too Bad" comment, I would not have gone to her mother's funeral no matter what DH wanted.    I would have responded in kind, "Too Bad" and would have been too busy to attend.

I think many of us try to take the high road in hopes it will somehow be an example and perhaps change the behavior of these people.  That only works when there is an ethical and moral foundation underneath which may be awakened.   

Most of the time, these skids are the products of bad parenting and wind up as adults with permanent personality defects.  Nothing will change that - not even taking the high road down Crazy Street.

Good for you that you found an "Exit" to get off it!

 

DisengagedSm54's picture

Yes I wanted to say that so badly, but I felt I would be as low as she is if I had. 

The karma bus has come for her. She gets to take care of daddeee in his old age. He is most definately a Narcissist and they don't age well. Happy for them both. 

ldvilen's picture

You mean, as in zero, nada or none?  Happy Birthday "wishes" from skids? Stories.  That's my story.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Howdy 2Tired - As you know, DH has been there and through all that.  He always gets the  belated greeting for no matter what holiday or occasion....his birthday, Father's Day, etc.  In fact, the only time she seems to know him is when she wants something, wants to start trouble, or bad mouth or wants to cry about her babies.

Me, don't expect anything at all from her and have, in the past, laughed when she called DH and told him how sorry she was that she missed my special occasion but SHE WAS BUSY!

DH use to put up with it for awhile, then after counseling and my throwing him out, he wasn't fine with it.  Now that we have moved hundreds of miles away he has his one foot across both lines.  Grrr.

And,, the fact that your cretin calls the day AFTER your Bday and then tells you to call her is just plain out manipulation.  She KNOWS you know what is going on but that is how these cretins work. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

SD doesn't just pull this on me - she does it to her grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, you name it.   

Her grandfather was dying and she was too "busy" to call him so he could at least speak to her one last time.  She was too "busy" at work to come to his funeral.  She has been too "busy" since then to even call her grandmother a single time and it's been almost 4 years!  Her uncle has terminal cancer but she is too "busy" to send him a quick e-mail or text.  I guess my SO should count himself lucky he still gets a call from her for a few minutes on his birthday now, despite how "busy" she is. 

But it is interesting to see how she seems to have plenty of time to plan a fancy restaurant birthday party for her FIL, whom she has known less than 2 years. 

Kona_California's picture

This post is.... confusing. I'm not trying to be rude, just pointing out what I see as my opinion, but it sounds like you feel like SD should celebrate your and DH's birthdays the way she and her husband celebrate his parents' birthdays. But when she reaches out to say hey happy birthday, you intentionally ignore her. This sends a message, and my guess is enough messages have been sent to her that says she isn't welcome or liked, so why would she want to celebrate your birthday?

Even though the SD's husbands family might be degenerates, maybe they make her feel good about reaching out and putting in an effort. Maybe they all have fun together and enjoy each other's company. 

My SO's son is only 4, so my reference of experience is my dad's wife. They got married when I was 22 and we've been friendly, but never close. She is my dad's entire WORLD, and I've always felt a put aside since they got together. Nonetheless, I'm happy they make each other happy and I respect them. For birthdays I always get both of them gifts, take them out to dinner, text/call. She doesn't get me anything for my birthday, and discourages my dad from doing too much. (Yet she has him build elaborate furnature for HER daughter and HER husband.)

At the end of the day, birthdays should not be a measurement of how much someone cares about you. Expecting someone you don't really like to chase you down and do very specific things is confusing and doesn't add up. It sounds like you can't stand her and she's already out of the picture, so I'm not sure why it matters. If you want to be the good person, I would be gracious and just thank her for the birthday wishes. 

Rags's picture

I guess I am incapable of unconditional love or tolerance of toxic.  My love is earned with reasonable behavior and demonstration of character.  The OP's Skids have demonstrated neither.

They are a write off IMHO.

So would your SM be if she were my SM.  Whether she made my dad happy or not. Your SM's campaign to isolate you and you dad from each other while vectoring your dad's efforts to catering to her own children would set me on a total confrontation campaign to bare your SM's manipulative ass and question  your dad's lack of testicular fortitude within his marriage to this manipulative woman. What is there to respect in either one of them? She manipulates, he tolerates it.  Not much to respect from what I can see in the short explaination you provided.

Fortunately, I have not experienced this kind of thing in my own life beyond my the shallow and polluted gene pool of my SS's SpermClan.

ldvilen's picture

It sounds like you are a good SD.  One most of us wished we had.  But, I'm wondering. . . how do you know your SM doesn't get you anything for your birthday and discourages your dad from doing too much?  I only ask, because like many SMs, I usually pick out or at least help pick out the gift, sometimes I even buy it, I wrap it and so on, and then my husband signs the card from both of us.  So, since neither of my SKs is with us when we buy their gifts, if they just went by who signed the card, they'd probably think dad does the entire deal too, when in reality, he may have only signed the card.

Also, re: discouraging dad from doing too much?  Not sure what that means.  Is he in ill health?  I ask that question too, because I know my DH does not like to go anywhere near his initial family without me (his buffer), and for a couple of years there, because I was so unexpectedly and ill-treated at an event, I didn't go to much.  Despite my encouraging him to go alone, he didn't go to much either. 

I only ask because it is easy to make the sterotypical assumptions about how SM is controlling dad like a finely tuned guitar, when the reality COULD be quite different.  Not saying that it necessarily is, in your case.  Just saying that for all general purposes, SM could be buying and wrapping all of these gifts and trying to get dad to do more with you, but just because dad's signature is on the card and you want to think SM somehow keeps dad from you, that could be at the base of your feelings vs. reality.  However, maybe I should just be like Rags and take what you say as a given in your case.  

sandye21's picture

It could be a situation similar to DH and I.  I got tired of paying 1/2 of everything DH wanted to do for SD such as vacations, meals. etc.  Of course, SD was different in that she could never squeeze the money out of her pocket for anyone else so it was always one-sided.  I finally asked DH to pay for his family and I would pay for mine.

I am sure SD must have thought I was controlling Daddy because now that the money was coming out of his pocket he wasn't as generous with SD and her Husband as he had been.  After all of this time I just realized one more thing I was blamed for.  Oh well!  LOL

Lisa mckay's picture

I have never missed SD 32 birthday in  25 years. Any gift she has ever gotten for anything I have bought. Not once in her adult life has she given me anything . My birthday us either for gotten or way too late. Text messages leave me cold. So now I don't buy her gifts nor do I text her about anything. I treat her as she treats me cold and disrespectfull.. I love her kids though I don't see them as much another punishment I guess.

2Tired4Drama's picture

But text messages for special occasions leave me cold, too.  I'm sorry, but in my time, showing your care and concern for another person meant taking a bit more effort to show them!   

I do know that there are many in the younger generation who still do things "old school" (like send an actual sympathy card for a loved one's death, or a birthday card in the mail when they know it will be appreciated) and I am heartened by that. 

I used to text SD fun photos of her father from time to time, just in case she was interested to see how he was doing.  Her response (if any) was lacadaisical at best.  I don't bother anymore.  

 

DisengagedSm54's picture

I received a few "thanks" texts from my SD when I mailed her gift cards for her birthday. 

The worst abuse of texting I have ever seen or heard of also came from her. She actually texted her own Mother's funeral plans to all of us. It made me sick. The "funeral" was even worse, I would tell you but I just can't even go there. Suffice it to say, It was a "money grab" and the cremated ashes were not even on the premises. 

Truly disordered and sooo thankful to be out of her life. 

shamds's picture

It and our 2 kids. So anytime hubby says its his sons birthday, i don’t comment or wish happy anything, totally ignore it andnif hubby wants to treat his son for birthday dinner, they go alone. Since getting married 4 yrs ago we try to go interstate for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday and ss doesn’t come. 

He’s not welcome because his detached lonely ignoring personality would dampen anyones mood. Why would you want to be at birthday dinner happily enjoying food and he starts hassling hubby that we can leave now and go home when i’m still eating because i had to feed bubs first while they ate.

yup thats my rude ss and hubby just looked at him and me and back at his son as said i’m still eating, can’t you see and ss rolled his eyes at ceiling like he couldn’t see...

2Tired4Drama's picture

But it will be up to your DH to educate him as to the importance of acknowledging others.  This is especially true if your kids are his half-siblings.  Instead of separating them, your DH should be trying to integrate them as siblings IMO.

CLove's picture

Now that Feral Eldest SD19 has gone no contact with her ENTIRE family, (using me as the basic excuse, her "mean" uncle with lymphoma as the secondary excuse) DH doesnt get any phone calls, or meals, just a text. Munchkin SD12 seems to be the only one she wishes to contact.

Ive only gotten a few "happy birthdays". By accident. Munchkin SD will wish me happy birthday. Typically for my birthday, my parents will take us out to dinner, or give me cash. That works. Birthdays are a bigger deal for DH, where everyone gets together for a big party. With lots of food.

No Christmas appearance last year from Feral Eldest. That excuse (made to Munchkin) was "I dont feel like answering questions about my life!"

Yep. She makes zero effort, and I am done, since I now know she hates me.

Anon9876's picture

My stepdaughter went out and bought a cake and a card for me for my birthday because my SO wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised.

I thought it was very sweet and I was appreciativeI know she didn't genuinely care it was my burthday, but I was glad that for once she did something to make her father and I happy.