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OT- grandfather passed away, family imploding

iamlosingit's picture

My final day at work before "vacation" my boss approaches me.  For those who may not remember my blog last year, our entire company is being merged into an existing building in a different city since it was purchased.  Current building was being rented by previous company and new company says they have the space to take us on and eliminate rental cost.  The final move wasn't supposed to take place until maybe next year due to all of the equipment that needs relocating.

Anyway, boss approaches me and says the new location has an opening in the department that I am currently in.  The down side is they want me to transfer by the end of the month, my hours would go from 5a.m.-2:30p.m(sometimes 3). to 7a.m.-3:30p.m.(meaning no more overtime)... oh and they need an answer before I even get back from our camping trip.  Also just found out that a majority of the jobs being offered to us for the transfer would be second shift, the complete opposite of what they initially told us.  Boss requested an answer before we were even due back from our trip.

With this in the back of my mind, we packed up and left for the trip.  Pleasant change of events, the friends that were joining us did pay DH for a portion of the campsite upon arrival.  Not half but a decent amount.  First night goes well, we got everything set up, had a fire, easy evening.  DH had downloaded a "messenger kids" app on SS tablet before the trip and SS chose that night (12 days into the trip with no contact) to message DH at 1:30 a.m.... (no recognition of time zone difference at age 11, oh well at least he messaged).  DH was elated that all seemed well and SS was enjoying himself.

The following morning we were woken up at 6:30 a.m... by my DH cell phone ringing.  It was my cousin-in-law.  My phone was charging with the volume down.  She was calling to inform us that my grandfather on my mom's side passed away that morning.  Leave it to grandpa to "go out with a bang", as it was July 4th.  (this is said with fondness, my grandpa was a veteran)

The rest of the camping trip was overwhelming.  DH had driven since we were pulling a camper, we were over two hours away.  My snarky cousin was texting and calling me daily, here are some of the gems I was trying to deal with on our five days away:

"your mom hasn't bathed in three weeks and is sleeping with her shoes on, you need to get down here" (you wait to tell me this NOW?? WTH am I supposed to do about it?)

"can you take your mom for a couple of days?" (No, we both work and she can't be left home unsupervised) "Well, don't you have any PTO?" (No, I'm going to be transferring and will have a new boss who doesn't know anything about my mom's mental health, not going to spring that on him the first week)

"rich aunt is telling grandma they have to get ready to sell the house"

"you need to get your mom institutionalized"

My mother is still living with them since all means of affordable housing for someone with mental illness seem to be eluding us and will not return our many phone calls. 

"Grandma needs help paying for the funeral, what can you contribute by next week?" (oddly enough they were supposed to go in for a meeting to create a will and get funeral insurance three days after he passed away)

Then after telling her I would help pay the $50 for the guestbook and another $75 for the little cards you pass out at funerals, I received a text last night (same cousin) "I ordered flowers for the funeral and put all of our names on them, 'rich aunt' bought her own, so if you could contribute $50 that would be great because my husband just got fired and I put them on my credit card".  So...your husband gets fired (long story, guess it went from 'suspended' to 'fired' in a week), grandma is already freaking out about finances, I offer to cover some things already and now you went out on your own and bought flowers without talking to anyone...and expect everyone to pitch in?? That's not how this works.

I told my boss I would take the transfer...and my transfer date gets pushed up by a week so now I will be starting at the new location in 10 days.  I have no idea what to do about my mother.  You need to go before a court to have someone committed and I can't see this going over well, not just from my mother but from the new job.  I get that she's my mom, but I can't mess up this job. 

SS is back home now no issues like I predicted, the chatting via tablet remained pretty steady the rest of his time on the trip as long as it was at 1:30 a.m.. every day. He said he could only go online at the hotel and she kept them super busy.

So...that's life in a nutshell for now.  I have no idea what is to come.  Oh and BM doesn't want DH to have SS on his weekend this week because we have my grandfather's funeral and she told him "he doesn't need to be seeing that! It's not HIS family!".  We'll see how this goes.  Not dealing with her this week.


ESMOD's picture

Ahhh.. I'm so sorry for your loss. 

TBH.. sounds like you have a LOT on your plate.  The cousin who is pushing you to do things.. can do them herself if she feels they are so important.  Please take care of yourself.. your needs.. your job.. and if.. and ONLY if you have more capacity.. then take on other things.

iamlosingit's picture

I can't help but think this job opportunity came along as an omen.  Yes I am essentially doing the same type of work for the same company, but this is a new boss.  Can't be "on call" anymore for her.  I feel bad but I've been saying she needs help for the past three years now...they wait until grandpa passes then "poof! instant reaction request" nope not how that works

hereiam's picture

Yes, you need to take care of yourself. There is no way to help anybody else unless you do, and right now, you are stressed with all of the things going on. And no, risking your job is not an option.

I'm very sorry about your grandfather. I hope he lived a great life.

Cousin needs to stuff it.

futurobrillante99's picture

My condolences on the passing of your grandfather.

You've got a lot of people bossing you around. Cell phones can be shut off or put on do not disturb. Just saying.

Merry's picture

I get your worry about the new boss. But I’d be an understanding boss if you were one of my employees.  Don’t wait too long to have a conversation with him/her about your situation. 

iamlosingit's picture

A funeral is one thing (when he is buried at the veteran memorial that will most likely be during my first week of relocation) but to constantly need to leave mid-shift for mom's melt-downs isn't possible. Current boss was around when mom melt-downs began out of nowhere and he knows I don't abuse the system when I need time off. Current boss is younger, haven't met him yet. They are in extreme need of people with my training in the department I"m transferring to so he's not going to want me taking a ton of random time off right away.

Harry's picture

You do what best for you.  Do not get push by anybody to do anything you are not ready for.  All of this this does note have to be done right now this’s minute.  You can take a few day to think about it.  And make the right choices 

iamlosingit's picture

"rich aunt" does, that's why she's saying it. Guessing grandpa didn't have a beneficiary listed for his VA benefits so she won't be able to pay the property taxes. It sucks but you can't be in your 80's and not have a plan in place.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Ghost your pseudo cousin. Block! Sounds like a flying monkey; only slinging guilt.

As for work BS; if you didn’t get it in writing it wasn’t ever said. I learned that one the hard way.  

Do NOT go deal with your mother’s BS etc. Not your responsibility. 

One of my elderly relatives passed but I couldn’t go to the funeral, even. I have young kids and airfare is expensive. 

bananaseedo's picture

What do you mean her mother isn't her responsibility? It isn't the cousins/aunts I would think?


STaround's picture

it is terrible timing, but I do understand her cousin saying she has to deal with it. 

iamlosingit's picture

When  you have been trying to tell everyone for over three years that she needs to go somewhere to get back on her pills and placed in assisted living and they say "NO"...then when you start a new job all of a sudden require 'instant gratification" then yes, it is on them.  They are one of the reasons she wasn't placed sooner "I can't do that to her!" well now deal with it.  She can't be left alone for ANY amount of time.  I've called every assisted living facility in my state that meets her age....without at LEAST $1,000/month she can't move in.  She is living off the state: food stamps, state healthcare, no retirement due to only stints of part time work when she was younger.  I can't financially help her.  Wth am I supposed to do? She can't live in section 8 housing she needs supervision she'll get evicted before she's even unpacked.  There is NO help for the mentally ill in this godforsaken state.

Thumper's picture

I am sorry  that your Grandfather passed away. There is a lot going on.

On top of 'everything' your mother.

I get it your not physically there--but someone should who IS there, out of deep compassion, hire Visiting Angles to come in OR a care giver 2x a week. She has a the right to be bathed and  cared for in a dignified manner. It is possible your family just cant get mom to agree to a bath or shower?. Is she able to use the bathroom independently OR is that another challenge?

You can call your local Office of the Aging chapter. Even if she is not elderly... They can guide you. Maybe you already have...(((HUGS))))

You don't have to reply OP....I just wanted to put that info out there.

Again I am so sorry, about all of this.



iamlosingit's picture

she has someone who comes every couple of days to fill her pills. Problem is nobody can "force" her to take her pills, so mom decides what she will take and what she won't. Hence the erratic behavior. Bathing herself she is more than capable of doing but for some reason is refusing as of late. Was not an issue before. She has a social worker who claims she is trying to find mom some type of care facility but at the same time says "there is nothing out there for her yet". She is only 55 and a lot of the senior living places in our state have changed guidelines to 65 years for qualifying, and when you have no income other than state help it makes it close to impossible. Its a frustrating circle. We've been trying to find her housing for years because she can't be left alone, she throws things at random neighbors and goes nuts when unsupervised.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

If she is incapable of caring for herself can’t she be declared so and put in some kind of facility on the taxpayers’ dime? 

Maybe have a palaver with her social worker and let the SW that due to geography and your work situation you are not able to do anything about it.

STaround's picture

And it is not cheap.  Fortunately my mom is a Vet, so the VA helps pay, BUT it took us a year to get this. Doctors affidavit, home visit, etc.  

Thumper's picture

Awwww...this is very sad. Iamlosingint..

Sounds like there are professionals who are helping getting things in place, slow, but still working on it. Your moms downward tilt maybe required to move that ball faster to proper placement.

Thanks for sharing...

Much compassion for you and your mom.