Now is it too much!
A follow-up to my post earlier this week when my husband announced he plans to spend at least 4 days every month with his adult kids, for reference they discinclude me so I am not invited to be part of this time away.
He now is planning another 4 day trip to see them only 2 weeks after getting back from the last one. Starting to feel like a lot to deal with!
On one side I am thinking maybe I should start planning a 4 day trip every 2 weeks/month or so where he is not included. He can have his 4 day trip away and then I’ll take my 4 day trip away. That way each of us can stay home and take care of the house etc. while the other is away for the 4 days at a time. Seems fair, I guess? But is that good for our marriage, in the long run I would say NO. But he is the one that came up with this plan of being gone so much and I need to make it fair somewhat and not feel like I’m just sitting around while he is away or not getting to have similar perks like he has. I know the tit for tat thing sounds awful but how do you try to make it feel fair to yourself when he is the one setting the agenda. I don’t want to really do that but I also need to feel like it’s fair for me as well.
Should I be getting concerned why this has suddenly turned into a 2 week turn around? Wondering if I should invite myself to go with him this time and see how that goes? I know the skids won’t see me but maybe I should try to go along partly so I am not feeling so left out and just do my own thing while he visits with his kids for the 4 or 5 days but at least I have traveled along on the 1,000+ mile trip and am there and with him in some ways. I know his kids won’t see me so I,will not be included in any of his time with his kids but I could just so I would hang out and do things by,myself while he visits with his kids, which means I will mostly be alone during that time but at least I’m there in ways, not allowing myself to just become invisible to all of them during this time. I try to show up in some way.
I also hate how much of our money is spent on all of this. It is costly for these visits and that further really makes me angry! These trips and visits are costly and I don’t even know how much my husband spends to “treat” them to things while he is away. The money part adds a whole other part to all of this that is infuriating. The money he spends on all of these visits etc. does take money away from both of us.
Currently I feel at a loss of what to do, the 2 week turn around time shocked me. I guess I am supposed to be understanding ,he just wants to spend more time with his kids, I guess that is what’s it all about? But I have to admit it also has started to make me feeling a bit suspicious in ways. If he starts taking this many days a month away from me and our marriage and if I just to try to balance it out by doing the same by going away for the same amount of tiime to equal it out that seems very destructive to our marriage.
I realize a lot of people,spend time away from their spouses for work, trips with friends etc. and I think that is perfectly fine. But this feels so different to me than that. I am okay that sometimes each of you do your own stuff with others without your spouse.In earlier responses from some of you it’s kind of like being okay with someone’s golf buddies, girl outings etc. But somehow this feels different when it’s his family and you are not allowed to be included in anyway. Such as with the golf buddies or girlfriends you might be able to maybe have a say hi, have a drink or quick lunch all together for an example. But with this It feels to me like I am completely excluded from this part of my husbands life, not part of his family just an outsider remaining on the sidelines, awaiting his return from his family. That is not how I want to feel within my marriage.That feels different than getting together with the the guys or girls for an outing/weekend on and off. If either of us ran off with our golf buddies, girlfriends for 4 or 5 days (sans the spouse) every 2 weeks or every month wouldn’t it start to seem like a lot?
Feeling stressed in trying to be okay with all of this and how to accept, face and deal with this situation.
i am open to input on this. Am I being over sensitive?