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Now is it too much!

HangingInThere2's picture

A follow-up to my post earlier this week when my husband announced he plans to spend at least 4 days every month with his adult kids, for reference they discinclude me so I am not invited to be part of this time away.

He now is planning another 4 day trip to see them only 2 weeks after getting back from the last one. Starting to feel like a lot to deal with!

On one side I am thinking maybe I should start planning a 4 day trip every 2 weeks/month or so where he is not included. He can have his 4 day trip away and then I’ll take my 4 day trip away.  That way each of us can stay home and take care of the house etc. while the other is away for the 4 days at a time. Seems fair, I guess? But is that good for our marriage, in the long run I would say NO. But he is the one that came up with this  plan of being gone so much and I need to make it fair somewhat and not feel like I’m just sitting around while he is away or not getting to have similar perks like he has. I know the tit for tat thing sounds awful but how do you try to make it feel fair to yourself when he is the one setting the agenda. I don’t want to really do that but I also need to feel like it’s fair for me as well.

Should I be getting concerned why this has suddenly turned into a 2 week turn around? Wondering if I should invite myself to go with him this time and see how that goes? I know the skids won’t see me but maybe I should try to go along partly so I am not feeling so left out and just do my own thing while he visits with his kids for the 4 or 5 days but at least I have traveled along on the 1,000+ mile trip and am there and with him in some ways. I know his kids won’t see me so I,will not be included in any of his time with his kids but I could just so I would hang out and do things by,myself while he visits with his kids, which means I will mostly be alone during that time but at least I’m there in ways, not allowing myself to just become invisible to all of them during this time. I try to show up in some way.

I also hate how much of our money is spent on all of this.  It is costly for these visits and that further really makes me angry! These trips and visits are costly and I don’t even know how much my husband spends to “treat” them to things while he is away. The money part adds a whole other part to all of this that is infuriating. The money he spends on all of these visits etc. does take money away from both of us.

Currently I feel at a loss of what to do, the 2 week turn around time shocked me. I guess I am supposed to be understanding ,he just wants to spend more time with his kids, I guess that is what’s it all about? But I have to admit it also has started to make me feeling a bit suspicious in ways. If he starts taking this many days a month away from me and our marriage and if I just to try to balance it out by doing the same by going away for the same amount of tiime to equal it out that seems very destructive to our marriage. 

I realize a lot of people,spend time away from their spouses for work, trips with friends etc. and  I think that is perfectly fine. But this feels so different to me than that. I am okay that sometimes each of you do your own stuff with others without your spouse.In earlier responses from some of you it’s kind of like being okay with someone’s golf buddies, girl outings etc.  But somehow this feels different when it’s his family and you are not allowed to be included in anyway.  Such as with the golf buddies or girlfriends you might be able to maybe have a say hi, have a drink or quick lunch all together for an example. But with this It feels to me like I am completely excluded from this part of my husbands life, not part of his family just an outsider remaining on the sidelines, awaiting his return from his family. That is not how I want to feel within my marriage.That feels different than getting together with the the guys or girls for an outing/weekend on and off. If either of us ran off with our golf buddies, girlfriends for 4 or 5 days (sans the spouse) every 2 weeks or every month wouldn’t it start to seem like a lot? 

Feeling stressed in trying to be okay with all of this and how to accept, face and deal with this situation.

i am open to input on this. Am I being over sensitive?

 

 

Comments

ndc's picture

To be honest, going 1000 miles every single month to see adult kids seems like a lot.  My parents live about 60 miles away from me and there are months I don't see them (and there are other months when I see them a few times).  These are day long visits at most, not 4 day affairs.   My sister lives about 600 miles away from my parents and they visit her maybe twice a year, and they stay no more than 3 days.  I like my MIL, but if she came (she's several hundred miles away) and expected to stay 4 days every month and hang out with my husband, I wouldn't be happy.   Maybe my family just isn't as close as your husband's, but this seems odd to me.

I like your idea of going along every now and then.  I'm sure you could find something to do while he visits the skids.  I'd like to see his reaction when you suggest that.

Petronella's picture

like to see his reaction if the op suggests that.

Indigo's picture

Regarding distance apart & marriage. My first marriage, exDH worked overseas 30 days/30 days. At the time I believed that our marriage was rock solid (similar life goals/support from both families.) In my case, while he was away ex-DH had a series of affairs which helped lead to our divorce.

I was one of the more casual commenters earlier.  I still thought "well, everyone has their thing & if you come back together stronger?"  Tonight, I thought: "OP needs a horse. A passion, a hobby ..."

After reading further, I think the 2 week flip raises red flags for me. What is escalating?  You're spot-on to be questioning.

Powerfamily's picture

If you don't want to go away how would you feel about putting the equal amout of money into a saving account just for your use.

shamds's picture

That this costly  fortnightly trip is totally ok??

have you laid the facts how much money that youdo not have will be spent, savings for retirement going to this making you financially  insecure. Money for basic hone necessities like food, bills and mortgage etc.. that he doesn’t have the money and will be eating into joint money meaning you are funding this and its not fair

i wouldn’t be ok with this and would walk away from this marriage if my husband thought it was ok.

my husband would never spend a night away from me just to be with skids. He wants to go to bed at home with me next to him...

Petronella's picture

having an affair. This is out of control, he’s acting very suspiciously. I’m sure I’ll get slammed for this, but I suggest you check his phone, email, credit card, etc. See what you find. 

HangingInThere2's picture

This is a hot button issue in our marriage because I have spied some. Not really very much but looked thru some of his  papers etc. I am locked out of his phone,email etc. (dont know his passwords)  so I have no access to any of that. He is still upset that I ever spied at all and feels like I greatly invaded his privacy. I feel guilty about it, he makes me feel even more quilty about it. But these worries about his time away from me and MONEY made my mind wonder.

So how much privacy should each partner have in a marriage?

justmakingthebest's picture

You are each entitled to privacy...however... nothing should be hidden. If that makes sense.

I have all of DH's passwords and know his cell phone code- he knows all of mine. This includes banking (we have separate accounts), email, social media, etc. HOWEVER- I have never needed or wanted to go "check" anything. I have needed to pull and airline reservation that went to his email instead of mine. Or arrange a bill pay to go out of his account instead of mine. He needed to get info from our cruise. I know there have been other things but this is what is coming to mind. 

I never felt the need to go through his accounts or emails, but I could- as could he. Does this make any sense? If either of us felt the need to look at these items, we gave the other full access. We don't hide things even though we keep are things separate. 

HangingInThere2's picture

I think that’s fair and reasonable. Gives you both the feeling of being part of and not shut out of each other’s information/life and probably builds more trust in ways while at the same time offering respect for one another.  When your locked out of things it builds suspicions. That’s how I wish things were in my relationship...openness, sharing but with respect for one another I think that  =‘s trust.

somethingwicked's picture

 Have you considered hiring a Private Investigator ?

A work acquaintance was worrying something was going on with her  husband b/c he was increasing his evening scuba diving classes from one night to three a week.

She did hire a PI ~  it turns out her  DH  was boinking the scuba instructor .

Stop driving yourself crazy wondering what is going on .Hire a professional to spy for you and put your suspicions to bed one way or the other.

Stop snooping and getting caught causing more relationship angst with the result that your DuH is now locking you out .

If he  really had nothing to hide I can see him being annoyed. But his action of locking you out  instead  of showing you he is trustworthy and trying to help alleviate  your worry is suspicious.Call a private investigator and get to the bottom of whether  DH is  seeing the skids twice a month or someone else.

 

AND please start attending therapy alone.

You  really do  not "sound  " at all happy but anxious ,scared ,angry ,frustrated and  just spinning in circles wondering what the hell   this asshole of a husband is up to.

Take care of YOU.Focus on you and find your center . A therapist could help you deal with all the emotional baggage .You will need to be in control of all your faculties and power to deal with what may come next.

 

 

 

HangingInThere2's picture

Good advice. I do think I need a therapist to help me sort thru all my feelings I am having. 

I have never thought about hiring a private investigator,. Would’nt that be more snooping?  My DH would be livid if he found out I ever did that. But, sometimes like in your friends case it gets to the bottom of the lies and truths.

Monkeysee's picture

A 4 day trip 1000 miles away every other week? Definitely suspicious, you’re right to be questioning this & I’d love to see his reaction when you suggest going along with him. 

This just simply isn’t sustainable. He’s choosing to take time away from his wife to spend time with his kids at the cost of his marriage. He’s either having an affair or has one leg out of this relationship would be my guess. The fact that he’s being so flippant about the amount of money these trips are undoubtably costing also raises flags. 

If my in laws started inviting themselves over for 8 days out of the month every single month, I’d have something to say about it. It’s excessive. I’d be really wary & wanting to know what’s actually going on with him.

still learning's picture

Let him go graciously and with a smile then get down to business and do some detective work.  

Winterglow's picture

Go and see a financial advisor with him. He needs to see the use of money in your household laid out. Once the bills and retirement are covered, it'll be interesting to see what's left. Take what's left and split it down the middle - he gets to do what he likes with his and you with yours but neither of you is allowed to go beyond that sum. He needs to see the reality of your financial situation. He might discover that he can only go and see his kids once or twice a year ... Why can't they come to him? And where does he stay when he visits them?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Are you sure he isn't having an affair? As was suggested up-thread - I'd start doing some snooping. This seems over the top as far as visiting adult kids - and it seems to be escalating. If you find evidence, consult a lawyer and get a plan before you confront him.

shamds's picture

even with alienated kids, dads don’t decide to disappear for several days “for family time” and abandon their wife. They are married and supposed  to be united together.

as much as my husband misses his kids with ex, despite them being such arseholes, it has never crossed his mind to even consider going on holiday alone with them. He wouldn’t feel at all comfortable because he has a wife who he isn’t sleeping next to... 

he has even when suggesting a joint holiday with skids, when i have refused purely because of how they behave disrespectfully and aren’t at all pleasant, hubby has firmly told his kids its no holiday.

he prefers having us around because at least we are pleasant people. No matter how much guilt skids may lay, it just doesn’t work... screw the people who say that it crosses boundaries checking his emails, credit card/bank  statement  and phone etc, he’s raised plenty of suspicions already

people can claim its invasion of privacy etc and to let it go, but these people aren’t being sexually intimate with a man who is showing the signs of having an affair and sleeping around. They aren’t the ones that may be at risk of contracting std’s

twoviewpoints's picture

Your idea of planning your own weekend get-away thinking he'll have to stay home alone  won't work. He'll just rapidly make anther trip to his kids while you're gone. 

Two weeks from now is Memorial Day weekend. So now he's planning on seeing his kids at least one weekend a month, but also a holiday weekend. What's next? Labor Day weekend, Thanksgiving, Christmas? 

But doesn't matter that anyone and/or everyone agrees here with you that this is getting ridiculous. Your DH doesn't agree with you and he won't care what any of *us* ladies here think. He doesn't believe that what he is doing is a problem.

I'm curious , however, to what all happened to cause this all? You say you've been married 10 years. You say the kids are all late 20s to ate 30s. So these adult kids were moreorless adults (18 and over) when you and Dh married. Has there always been this 1000 mile distance between homes? How often where trips back and forth in the beginning and did the kids ever come your way? 

HangingInThere2's picture

I spoke up ONCE to the skids because I thought they were being disrespectful to me in our home. That was it, I was now cut off and out of their lives. I asked to discuss it further, like a family meeting, but no one including my DH wanted to talk about it as a group. Seemed it was used as a good excuse to not have to deal with me anymore. And he didn’t want to alienate his kids so he just decided to stay neutral in it all.

Yes, they used to come visit to our home before that. Sometimes we would do things all together, sometimes he would just go do things with them. It was kind of just a distant and cordial relationship but at least I wasnt completely alienated from everything at that time. 

We have lived this far apart during our marriage. When they would still see me visits to their home or them to ours was about every month or two.

I agree with you, he does not see that what he is doing as a problem. This all makes sense to him, he’s figured out the visitation schedule and I’m suppose to go along with it.

twoviewpoints's picture

Ok. That shines a bit more light as to how things got to where it currently is.

The visits, one way or the other direction have always roughly been once a month, occasionally a bit longer even pre-upset. This would be partly why DH doesn't see why there should be an issue with his asinine once a month scheduling. And he sees this all (the you be excluded) as your own fault and doings. To him, if you would have just kept your mouth shut, took and accepted being disrespected in your own home by hi children, nothing would have changed and you'd still be included.

Up until you finally had enough and spoke up, his kids tolerated you. Once you called them out they immediately dropped any pretense of being civil and tolerating you and they just moved all their get-togethers to their city and cut you out.... with Dad's blessings. They still see Dad. Still see him as often. Still get wined and dined so to say by Dad. Still get money hand outs from Dad. Heck, everything's still great in their world.

You're not going to 'work it out as a family in a family meeting' with these adult kids. They see nothing to work out. They are happy as can be.

I don't think he's having an affair. But I do believe that a financial planner plus a therapist that specializes in step families needs to be set up and followed through with. Will he agree to go to these with you? You both need to learn to communicate productively, a bit of agreeable compromise and a tool box of coping skills. 

HangingInThere2's picture

Exaxtly! You captured the situation very accurately.

In the end me speaking up for once then allowed me to be the one to blame for any and all family issues, both in their point of view and it appears my husbands. So I was the “bad guy”. If only I didn’t grow some balls for once and just would have continued to keep my mouth shut, everything would be fine (not really though). The result for them turned out better than before, they still get the perks,money,gifts etc. but they no longer have to pretend to tolerate me. They are probably as pleased as can be!

Plus they get to say no to me seeing the grandkids (which hurts) so that probably gives them even more satisfaction, that they have that power and can spite me in that way without any consequences. It’s hard for me to accept they could be that mean and unkind, don’t they realize this also greatly hurts their Dad because they keep putting him in an awkward position with his wife and marriage by being so hard and unreasonable in all of this. Disrepectful to us both I feel. Maybe they don’t care about anoyone feelings except theirs.  Maybe their hope is by being this mean they can try to break up our marriage and have him all to themselves.

Yes, I agree we both need to learn better communication and coping skills, he may be open to that. Have tried counseling a long time ago but never with anyone that specialized in step family issues. I will do some research and see if I can find anyone like that. Do you think that is a key needed part of finding the right counselor?

 Has anyone here had experience, results with working with a counselor that specializes in step family issues?

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this is weird.  My DH sees SS19 once a month or so for dinner and he lives 15 minutes away. 

I wouldn’t snoop, but I’d have a Come To Jesus meeting with DH about my concerns, including a growing fear that this is an affair and not about his kids at all.  

 

TwoOfUs's picture

Oof. 

That is so excessive. 

My sister is married to a guy whose parents have refused to cut the apron strings. He's 37 and they still drop by constantly and have their nose in my BIL's finances and try to have a hand in raising the kids. Unfortunately...they're only like 20-30 minutes away. 

This is the only complaint my sister has in her marriage. Otherwise, she and her DH are very much in love and get along beautifully are doing well and raising three lovely little boys. But she's considered leaving and bringing her boys with her back to our family's state which is about 7 hours away from where she lives now...just to get away from the in-laws. 

My DH's parents also go visit his sister and her family multiple times a month...or take them all on elaborate trips...it's constant and very annoying to observe from the outside. His parents are wealthy, so this isn't hurting them...and they're retired and go together. Still, his sister is incredibly needy and insecure, always on the edge of the next crisis...totally enmeshed and unable to form a happy family unit with her husband and kids without mommy and daddy there to help her and buy things for her. 

Say all this to say...if your DH's kids have families of their own, I highly doubt he's doing them any favors with this level of enmeshment. Instead, he may be ensuring that they never quite gel with their own family and create a new family unit. 

Petronella's picture

I believe the OP did mention previously that her husband isn’t even that close with his kids and these visits were not asked for and probably aren’t even that much fun for Dad. 

bananaseedo's picture

I have to agree that you need to do some detective work.  Heres the thing-he knows you guys don't communicate so it's impossible to verify if that's where he's actually at during these trips.  Quite convenient. In addition- yeah, what happens if you propose going with him-also very interested in his response.  

THis is raising my spidy senses that something else could very well be going on- no grown man wants to visit that many days every month-that long of a trip just to sit around w/his adult kids-but they will do it for some new piece of as*- sorry. 

Have you verified that city is where he's travelling to?  Another thing could be he's met someone there so these trips are quite easy to 'hide'- I hate to put this in OP's head but yeah...something isnt right there. 

HangingInThere2's picture

I do actually still feel I trust him 95% that he is not having an affair. But the more frequent time away from each other sparks fears and concerns. Plus there is no way to verify where he is during these trips, he stays with his kids but I can’t actually check this since they won’t talk to me and I can’t really call their homes.

I still don’t think it’s an affair, maybe I’m being naive. I think the “mistress” is his kids and grandkids.

advice.only2's picture

Uhh yeah I agree with all the other's he's got a side piece somewhere. I would check to see where he's actually flying to and from, see if it's just one ticket or two.

somethingwicked's picture

Maybe the side piece is the Ex..the BM?

With the skids assist ,playing cupid ,they are gettin' the band together.

Maybe she is( or someone the skids would like their father to  get with )  in regular attendance of these family get togethers  waiting to share in the old warm glow of a First Holy  Family rekindle.

OP , is the BM still somewhere in the picture?

Hire a PI.

It will cost but the way  this DuH believes he can just burn money monthly on his needs you may as well jump in the pool ..long enough to pay for some professional detective work. Tell DuH you are planning a trip and need a pile of cash as well.

And start therapy to deal with so much of this emotional baggage .

ESMOD's picture

Once a month visits to see his kids and grandkids?  that is probably not totally out of line.  BUT.. I would be asking him why the quick turnaround.  I would remind him that he said he was going to go 4 days a month.. but now a 2 week turnaround.... why?

Now, it might be that there is some event he is anxious to attend.  Find.. honey.. what about I tag along because it would be time we could spend together traveling?

I'm not 100% certain that the affair is where I would jump to.. maybe more that his visit to see family sort of whet his appetite for more of it?