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Moving a good idea?

HangingInThere2's picture

My husband has decided he wants us to move to the same town as his adult kids and grandkids. We now live several hours away from them. I don’t really want to do this, I don’t really want to live in that town plus his adults kids won’t talk to me and I don’t get to see the grandkids.. The move would be great for him as now he can see them anytime he wants but for me I’m afraid of feeling more like an outsider living so close and never being included.

He seeems to have this all figured out and now I just need to go along with it. He thinks in the long run it will be the best thing for us but I can’t see that right now. I know it would be best for him as this is what he really wants and says will make him happy but what about me?

I feel in ways he is hinting at its either we move to the town he chooses, the same town that his kids live in or he will move with or without me. He hasn’t said that outright but it is being implied in ways,

I don’t know if I should do this or not. I feel if I want to save our marriage this is what I am being asked to do. I do still want the marriage but making this big of a move to a town he has chosen for us so he can be close to his kids, grandkids is a lot to ask of me.  By the way we have just recently both retired so this would be our retirement move. 

I feel scared and confused as I don’t know if moving in the long run is a good idea for me and our marriage, for him yes, but me I’m not sure. I am kind of being asked to make this sacrifice for him to be happier and to save our marriage.

Trying to be open minded and considering making this move for him and us, but not sure if this move is a good for my long term happiness as well.

Moving a good idea?

 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Let's (just for a minute) take the kids out of the equation. Ask yourself what you really want to do with your retirement and how you could gain by the move:

  • better/cheaper housing
  • better neighbourhood
  • more possibilities for your hobbies
  • more cultural events
  • cheaper cost of living
  • closer to nature/the beach
  • better weather
  • etc.

Then ask yourself what you'd be losing in your current town:

  • friends
  • family
  • better/cheaper housing
  • better neighbourhood
  • more possibilities for your hobbies
  • more cultural events
  • cheaper cost of living
  • closer to nature/the beach
  • better weather
  • etc.

You get the idea. You really have to decide how you would like to live your retirement. Do you have many hobbies? Do you make friends easily? Weigh up the two lists and see how things look. Try to be objective about it. Remember that you don't have to spend the rest of your life holed up in a one-horse town with nothing on the horizon just because that's what your hubby wants. You don't have to saddle yourself with a 'life' like that if yoiu don't want to. Do you have any children of your own? If so, where do they live? 

Sometimes the cost of saving a marriage is losing your soul ...

Winterglow's picture

Oh my, I've just realized that you're the poster whose DuH split his time with you and his kids as if it were visitation he was deciding. 

I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for you...

twoviewpoints's picture

IMO, this would be a terrible move for you. Him? Yeah, he'd thrive on it. Hi four day a month visitation schedule he has going on with his adult children would quickly turn into every weekend, every grandkids sport/activity event, mi-week 'family dinners' out (all excluding you of course).....

All sounds real wonderful to your DH and the his children. For you? Even less of a marriage than you have now and many more days of hurt feelings. He will not set boundaries, won''t 'see' why he should as he and his children will be happy as can be. You know that marriage rule, the one that says put your spouse first. Yep, the plan sounds like he intends to live it. Only you are the one expected to suck it up and anything your spouse wants and does will be ok with you. After-all, you make put what your spouse needs/wants your priority. Bleh. 

I'd talk to a lawyer and see what your options are (divorce) and where you'd stand. Life's too short to spend your retirement years unhappy and full of stress. 

Think long and hard on this one, even if it means he actually moves whether you do or not 

 

tog redux's picture

Oh boy. From past blogs, OP, your DH is a pushy and self-centered person who expects you to just go along with whatever he wants, and doesn't really care what you need or want.  I assume you guys fit together initially because you were passive and willing to go along with him. I agree with twoviewpoints that if you move, he will be with his kids all the time, and you will be left out. And eventually the kids/grandkids will be at your house all the time, and you will feel left out in your own home.  And your DH won't care.

I think you have to pick your poison. Divorce, or living the rest of your life on HIS terms.

Thisisnotus's picture

Are you happy where you are now? 

Is there another place where you would like to move?

justmakingthebest's picture

What about moving closer but not the same town. YOU wouldn't be moving for family, as they don't welcome you. Is there another town near-ish (1-2 hours) that you would enjoy living in? Someplace that would support your interests?

If that isn't an option I think you are giving up far more than you would get. As horrible as it is, your husband is making his priorities crystal clear and you aren't making even the top 10 list. In marriage, as you well know, your spouse comes first- it is a reciprocal relationship where you each put the others needs before your own. You are doing that over and over but your husband doesn't even consider you in any of his choices. That is unfair. I think before you give an answer either way you should go to marriage counseling- find a therapist first that understands this kind of co-dependent relationship that your H has with his adult daughter, as well as the strain he is putting on your marriage. Not all counselors will understand this complex relationship, you need to find the right one before you take your husband with you.

steppingback's picture

He will get help moving there. But if it doesn't work out for you, you will be all on your on rebuilding your own life after the move.

My first discussion with him would be about what he plans to do to mend your relationship with the skids. How he will support and protect YOU. I suspect he has none and I would let him go rather than being trapped where I didn't want to live.

Harry's picture

you have to face the fact your marriage is over.  Your DH is doing what he wants with no regards to your wishes or feelings. He already is spending Four days a month at his kids town to be with them.  Not careing about your feelings.  If he moves to that town it’s going to be them against you.  They will make all the plans. They will go out together. They will do all the things together.  You will be left out.  Not only left out but in a town you know no one.

You will be better off where you are in a place where you have some support.  You are going to be alone either way.  So chose where you want to be alone. 

susanm's picture

I think it is very reasonable for you to have a conversation with him starting with "What do you see my life looking like with this move?  While you are out with the kids and grandkids, what do you imagine for me?"  Any version of "you'll figure it out" or "I know that you'll be fine" is essentially "I don't care so long as I get what I want."  BUT if he says that he has given it thought and intends to take actual steps to mend things to include you in the family or has even spoken seriously to the skids about how you need to be included if there is a move back to the area, then there is a real dialogue that can happen.  You have a pretty good idea of the answer but you won't know for certain what is going on until you ask.  You can then make an informed decision taking all factors into consideration.  Obviously if you are going to split then it will be better to do it where you have an existing support system than after you have moved.  Don't get talked into "giving it a chance" if there is absolutely nothing in that area for you.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Generally, closer proximity will cause the step dysfunction to ramp up.

OP, given how troubled your marriage is and how selfish your H is, I would not entertain moving away from your current support network. If you move, you will only be further under his control and even more unhappy as this sadist will run roughshod over you even more and expect you to put up with more face time and disrespect from his adult children. You would likely become a shadow in your own home, as all would be slanted towards the happiness of the Holy First Family. 

hereiam's picture

You and this marriage are not your husband's top priorities. Even with his kids living several hours away, you are not his focus. You think that moving with him will save your marriage, moving with him will be the end of your marriage. He is putting you in a no-win situation and I believe it is by design.

I think it's weird that he needs to move closer to his kids to be happy. Why is he not happy being with his wife?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It seems as if the more her H gets, the more he wants. He's sadistically, cruelly pushing and pushing an agenda that the OP has made clear she doesn't want. Either he is highly narcissistic, trying to get her to be the one to leave, or both.

somethingwicked's picture

Let this self absorbed,manipulative ,controlling  a$$hole of an "H" go.

This "man" prob enjoyed pulling wings off of flies as a child..he is cruel.And you have been emotionally tortured in this "marriage"

He is making your decison so much easier..the decison to divorce.Stay with him and be more miserable or leave him and salvage yourself.

 

thinkthrice's picture

...Bye!

(that is what I'd tell Chef I'd he ever pulled this. ..actually he pulled this in 2006...BIG mistake and boy did it BACKFIRE!!)

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, have you done any research on narcissism/narcissistic abuse? From what you've shared here, your H sounds like he has strong narc tendencies.

A narc can't be "cured", and they inflict terrible psychological abuse on their families. The only way to win is to get far, far away from them.

HangingInThere2's picture

I appreciate all the input. A bit hard to face and take in but all of you have offered some helpful insight, thank you. Hard facing it all, I will respond more when able right now just really upset and confused. Just such a difficult point to reach.I guess I can’t be in denial anymore of the situation. I am so scared! This is not the outcome I hoped and prayed for.