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Vacation with step kids and ex wife without me

Inspiress's picture

My (F27) partner (M33) had agreed on me going to go visit my new baby nephew and sister for 4 days by myself during winter break and he had mentioned that he'd be going on a trip with just his three boys (M8, M10, M12) some day as well. We operate a buisness together and I have my own full-time job as well. As like a tit for tat.

Anyway my partner and his sister planned a surprise birthday party for their mom over the summer in another state, so he'll need me to take a week off my job and I'll have to run the buisness while he's gone for him. He planned to do this party for his mom as well as go to amusement parks and other vacation plans with his boys while he was there. This is all fine with me but now I'm learning that he has invited his exwife and their other two kids (M5, F7; they have 5 all together) to join them as well. My partner told me because he can't fly with his boys without their birth certificates and the only way for this trip to work would be if "they all go" (meaning his exwife and all the kids, "his family"). I can't go because someone has to run the buisness.

The birthday party won't be a kid event but my partner and his Ex wife would be attending. This bothered me, cause I had wished we could have gone together. My partner told me he knew this was all gonna be a problem with me, and that I don't let him spend time with his kids but that's not my issue. My issue is with him going to the birthday party with his Ex wife. He told me they aren't going together but that she is invited and would just be there as well. I have yet to even meet much of his extended family and they all probably don't even know that they both had a divorce. It's just weird to me. I feel hurt by it all, excluded and as if I don't matter.

The thought that I have to stay behind and work while he goes on vacation with "his family" makes me sad. I wish we all got to go. I wish I didn't have to use PTO for my job just so I can help my partner in taking not only his kids but his exwife on vacation basically. I'm not even sure she is paying for anything. She's probably so excited I won't even be there... am I crazy? How could he think that this wouldn't bother me?

We just got done talking. He said it hurts him that he is hurting me, and it hurts him that because he wants to give his kids this experience which in turn hurts me. Or something like that. All he's looking forward to is giving his kids this experience, and his ex wife will just be there. It sounds like shes part of the experience hes wanting to give the kids. To me that sounds like a family. I told him that could be confusing for the kids but he feels me coming along will be more confusing to them. I'm so done...

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

In fact it would bother most women.  They sound enmeshed.  It sounds like there aren't clear boundaries.  If I were you, I would extricate myself from this relationship.  You are young and childfree.  Why saddle yourself to this man with 5 kids with an ex wife that he is very much entangled with?  This is just the beginning of a life time of heartache.    You could find someone child free and start a family of your own without all this drama.  A family where you aren't excluded.  

Inspiress's picture

I'm suffering from sunken cost fallacy. I just put in so much to try and make this work. I thought I was in love. I feel so dumb. I am planning my exit now. I'll be so much happier. It just sucks that it hurts, I wish my heart just knew he's not worth feeling broken over. He should have never divorced his exwife. 

Winterglow's picture

He"s taking his ex-wife for one of several reasons and none of them involves birth certificates... He wants his ex with him to contnue to pretend he's still married. He's taking her with him because he wants a bedwarmer and she just wants to stick it to you. He's asked her to go so he'll have a nanny  to take care of his kids because he isn't capable of doing so. Or it could be all three ... I wouldn't care which it is and I would use this as the perfect opportunity to dump this sorry apology for a man.

First, go and talk to a lawyer to find out how to cash in your part of the business (I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't set things up so that your name appears nowhere - if that is the case, nail him for unpaid back wages). Then, ensure you have copies of all  important documents and send them to your mother. Pack your bag carefully because you will be leaving for good. Finally, if you have any joint accounts, remove half of their contents. Then get out and stay gone.

He's been using you for far too long. Save yourself now that you have the chance.

Winterglow's picture

So he's going to swan off and play happy families with the woman who sent insulting, obscene, threatening messages to the woman who is his current partner? No decent man would do that. Maybe now you are seeing why he didn't want to marry you... 

Winterglow's picture

You might want to tell him that, as the kids' father, he can easily obtain a copy of their birth certificates.. then ask him for the real reason he's taking his ex with him. 

Inspiress's picture

The whole birth certificate thing is so dumb. He never signed any of the kids birth certificates *fool* so its maybe just a little more work than he is willing or honestly smart enough to do. He lazy as fuck.

Inspiress's picture

You are so right. He just isn't a decent man. It always bothered me that she was so nasty with me. He did kind of stand up for me but he also was left bending at her will so he could keep his kids. Just too much. They don't have a freaking custody order at all, she calls all the shots. They don't want courts involved and I should have taken that as a red flag.

Inspiress's picture

The buisness is actually all under my name. We have two locations, retail. I want nothing to do with it anymore. I have never seen a lawyer for anything like this before. My soon to be ex wants me to think this all over before making any decisions. He wants to talk again on Sunday to see how we feel. I've honestly made up my mind, we're just prolonging the inevitable. 

Winterglow's picture

Oh, wow. So everything belongs to you. Please see a lawyer ASAP. Take the this guy to the cleaners. He"'s using you to avoid paying taxes. Go pull the rug from under him... legally, of course 

Inspiress's picture

I could take literally everything from him. I won't. I just want my fair share. 50%. I had mentioned to him that I deserve 50% of the buisness and he told me "I knew this was going to be a fight, I knew you were going to say that you deserve more." He wants me to have "mercy" on him because he has 5 kids. That is not my problem. His HCBM wife can help him with all their kids.

Winterglow's picture

This guy is either stupid, delusional, or both. You could take everything but you only want what is your due, that is half. If he badgers you about this, reminds him of that and that you might change your mind... I hope you have seen a lawyer? 

Inspiress's picture

Not yet... I know. Its scary. I have my dad who has been a buisness man for years, both buying and selling businesses helping me. I am prepared to get an attorney but am hoping we can solve this between us.

Rags's picture

Make them a Shark.  Meet with all of the best attorneys in your area to take them off the table for him.  
 

Most importantly, stop being his victim.  You own it all.  Don't forget that.  If he does anything but accept your 50% offer, which is far too generous IMHO, then tell him he gets nothing and make him fight for every Cent.

I had to use this tactic with my adulterous XW.   She made the settlement offer, I accepted, she attempted to change it.  I told her that it would all go in the pit and a judge would divide it but thet everything about her and the marriage would be public record so she had better think about what she wanted her family to know because I would make sure they and all of her friends knew every sordid detail.  She went back to the original agreement.

Divorce  is not the time to fold or play nice. Go for his throat.

Inspiress's picture

He is stuck. I won't budge. He is lucky he gets anything. I am being fair. He is being greedy.

AgedOut's picture

his youngest is 5? can you handle this 'family' time w/out you involved for the next 13 years? 

It would bother me too and I'd use his time away to seek legal help into seperating the $$$/businesses. 

Why? because his 'it hurts me to know I hurt you but really I don't care because I'm doing it on purpose and gaslighting you' is nonsense. 

He's doing what he wants with who he wants and he has told you that your opinions don't count. please please please please do not have a child w/ him. He's not going to change, he's telling you that you are last on his list. 

Inspiress's picture

You're right. He's made his priorities very clear. I think he is emotionally abusive because he keeps trying to turn this on me. That I am getting in the way of his time and experience with his kids. My issue isnt with his kids, its his Ex. He just won't acknowledge his ex's presence and when he does he's like, "in not even thinking about her, she's just there, I'm not "going" with her."

AgedOut's picture

take it from me, I'm a bit older and did all that, he is going with her. He can call it whatever he wants but the "they" that is going is him + her + their kids = they. You are not part of his "us" "we" or "our". Please don't waste a large portion of your life and potential happiness on him. He's drawing you a picture of how it will be, you do not have to be a part of someone else's "they". 

 

 

Inspiress's picture

I am actually thankful that he made it so clear finally. It is so much easier to leave now. Its gross really, he was telling me how he still wanted to be friends and to still work with me but I finally told him no. I will not be his friend and he has to buy the buissness from me. He ran back to his HCBM "wife" after I finally stood up for myself and told him I will no longer be strung along. I will only take 50%. My fair share. He can keep the buissness and still be okay. I am just no longer going to help and I will get out of all liability once I get my fair share. Good luck to them all. I am finally looking out for me!

ndc's picture

This is BS.  First, I was not aware that one needed a birth certificate to fly.  I've flown with both my DD and my SDs at various ages and none of them has needed a birth certificate or any ID at all.  Also, getting ID for the kids isn't difficult.  When my DH and BM divorced, BM kept all the kids' birth certificates and social security cards.  No problem - for a few bucks and some minimal paperwork, DH got his own.  He needed nothing from BM to do so.  Either your SO is clueless as to such things, or he thinks you are.

Second, what is the deal with the business?  Is it jointly owned - as in both your names are on everything and you own it equally as partners?  And if so, have you seen all the documentation and do you understand what would be involved in selling the business or having one of you buy the other out?  If the answer to the latter is no, and the business has any worth, get yourself to a lawyer to figure it out.  If it's not a fairly, jointly owned business, I wouldn't take off from work to run it for him while he goes off on vacation with his failed family.  Out of curiosity, does he have another job, also, or is he full-time at your business?  If he's full-time, why are you working a second job and he isn't?

Finally, you have every reason to be upset about this.  He and his ex-wife are divorced.  That means they don't go on trips together anymore, they don't appear as "family" at functions and they don't confuse their kids by playing family on vacation.  My DH continued to do things with his ex-wife "for the kids" when they were first divorced - trips to the waterpark, holidays and birthdays together, etc. - but once I was in the picture I put a quick stop to that.  These men don't get to have it both ways.  He's with you, or he's with his ex-wife, and if he's with you he doesn't get to go on a trip with his ex-wife.  Period.  Let him know this, and ignore the gaslighting and complaining that is likely to follow.  If he still insists on taking the trip with his ex, it's time to leave the relationship.

 

Inspiress's picture

Yes, thank you.  All this advice is really helping me gather the strength I need to leave. I think I already know he doesn't plan to compromise one bit. All he says is how much he deserves this vacation. He tries to preface it with, "not that you don't deserve one too." He's selfish.

shamds's picture

Spouse/partner (the kids other parent) and guess what, birth cert not even needed.

immigration have a way of finding out who are child smugglers. I have flown many times internationally and never once have immigration stopped me requesting birth certs. 
this is some bullshit copout excusing playing 1 happy family with the ex

shamds's picture

Spouse/partner (the kids other parent) and guess what, birth cert not even needed.

immigration have a way of finding out who are child smugglers. I have flown many times internationally and never once have immigration stopped me requesting birth certs. 
this is some bullshit copout excusing playing 1 happy family with the ex

shamds's picture

Spouse/partner (the kids other parent) and guess what, birth cert not even needed.

immigration have a way of finding out who are child smugglers. I have flown many times internationally and never once have immigration stopped me requesting birth certs. 
this is some bullshit copout excusing playing 1 happy family with the ex

SteppedOut's picture

Fact: He is lying about needing a birth certificate. 

So, now ask yourself, why would he be lying. 

You need to leave this farce of a relationship. He has wholey misrepresented himself and the status of his relationship with is (ex?)-wife. (Are you SURE they are LEGALLY divorced??)

I hope you are legally co-owner of the business. If so sell your 1/2 to him. If not, see an attorney about what you can do (but prepare yourself for not much). 

He is making a fool of you. 

Inspiress's picture

They're dumb man. They were never really legally married. That should have been a red flag too. They are both so against law and courts being involved. I'm just done with it all. I think he is lying, but also I think he may also just be that dumb haha

Winterglow's picture

OMG you hold all the aces. Talk to a few killer lawyers and take the bugger to the cleaners. He's used you for too long. 

 

ndc's picture

I'm not so sure about this. It depends on how the business has been run, and what kind of assets and obligations it has. Why is the business in OP's name only? Did the SO not have the credit to sign leases and other obligations? Have the taxes been paid? If it's all in OP's name, the liabilities are all hers. Whether she holds the cards depends on the financial shape the business is in, whether OP is fully aware of everything going on with the business,  whether OP wants to run it alone and, if not, on how easily the business can be sold or liquidated. This could be a blessing, or it could be a huge nightmare. 

Winterglow's picture

And that is exactly why I am suggesting she see a lawyer. A financial adviser might also be a good idea. Either way, her name is on everything, she can't just walk away from it and even if she decides to give it all to her SO she needs to be sure it's done legally so it won't come back to bite her some day.

Cover1W's picture

I'd be so livid I wouldn't be able to see straight.

Lying, of course and from experience, about the birth certs. Which makes me think he's lying about the party. He point blank doesn't want to take you.

AND he wants you to be the caretaker of the business? Cover for him with your vacation time and not get paid? Hard no. If he doesn't have a legit backup then he doesn't go.

I agree with the others, I'd be on the way out in your situation.

Inspiress's picture

He was and is a liar liar pants on fire! I am not going to help him go on that trip, and I won't be around long enough to see if he gets to or not anyway. He hurt me so bad. Used me for far too long. I am getting my fair share and getting out!

simifan's picture

If kids are flying in the domestic US they do not need any identification. When DS then 17 (6ft tall & 170 lbs) tried to show his ID at security they brushed him off & told him he didn't need it. If they are flying internationally they need passports. Try again. 

CajunMom's picture

And a loud Hell NO with a few more words. If my DH pulled a stunt like this, he'd stay with his ex.

In fact, my DH got blind sided on a trip out of state for his grandkid's birthday. BM was suppose to be with Mini Wife. Mini Wife made the "reunion" happen. DH freaked out and did not tell me for years. 

Seriously....I agree with a lot of the comments...is your DH really over his ex? If so, he has not exited the enmeshment. SMH

Inspiress's picture

He must not be because he is really not going to uninvite her, and then on top of that he won't include me... he is choosing her. He's trying to claim this is him choosing the kids but honestly he's choosing his "family" and that family doesn't include me. I'm hurt and I can't come back from this.

Sparkl3s's picture

He could just order a copy if the birth certificate himself. We did it all online to never have to ask their mother for the document. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

I just read your other blogs. The ex BM is a certified cray cray. Your ex didnt rip her a new one for her vile messages? Now the trip....yea they have something still going on.

You deserve better. Leave this shit show of a BF in the dust.

Blessings

DPW's picture

What a pr*ck!

I'm glad to see you have plans to split. I would hire a lawyer and go no or as little contact as possible going forward. You do not need to set yourself up for more abuse from him by interacting with him. He does not deserve that access. 

Inspiress's picture

I'm tired of being in contact with him. I have my dad helping me and we are prepared to get an attorney if need be. I wish my Ex would just talk to my dad but he is a coward. He much rather just keep trying to manipulate me.

Winterglow's picture

So force his hand. Get a lawyer to inform him that all communication concerning you mussed be addresssed to her/him. Also, block all his access to you, phone, social media, email, etc. I should imagine that, given your ex's dislike of courts and law etc., this might also speed things up because I think he's going to drag his feet for as long as he possibly can. Also remember that the longer he drags his feet, the longer he has to hide whatever he wants to...

Winterglow's picture

Also, once you have a lawyer, he's going to realize that he stands to lose everything if he doesn't comply and pronto. 

og259's picture

First of all, breathe easy - you sound like you've been incredibly patient up until this point, he is so lucky to have you. 
Secondly, it's so important to listen to your gut 

  • If she's there as childcare then why is she attending the party and who is having the children when she goes? 
  • more importantly; why have his family invited his ex partner? If you ask me, that's a very disrespectful move to both your partner and to you: would you be able to ask your partner to address that with his family? (Easier said than done perhaps)
     

how long have they been separated? 
In some instances, parents can be harmless and platonic friends but I'd be curious to understand if you've ever been in social situations with both the partner and ex wife at once (I have in some instances been in situations with his ex and they're kind of awkward but my gut tells me there's nothing more to it) 

I personally would have expected your partner to sit you down first and try and explore ways that you could attend, ways to get cover for the business or work remotely - it sounds like he's taking your "trust and freedom" for him, to an unreasonable level and it's disrespectful 

 

hope you get things sorted x

Inspiress's picture

Too late for all that. He chose his wife. He's even wearing a ring now. He just won't be fair to me now. Why not just give me 50%? He'll still have the buisness and make more...

Rags's picture

You owe him nothing.  What ifs and "why does he...." is a severe wast of your emotional health, your resources, and your time.

Destroy him and get it done with as quickly as possible.  The more you dither around the more of you you lose.