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Mother’s Day Wishes and Hell

HangingInThere2's picture

First to all those stepmothers our there Happy Mother’s Day! I might be the only one that tells you that so let me say to all of us stepmothers out there even if we are outcast because our skids hate us we still get to maybe take a little credit for stepping into this often difficult role of stepmother. So though no one may buy us flowers or send us a card we still get to have the often complicated role and title of stepmother.

Mother’s Day is very complicated for me. I have the title of stepmother but my adult skids hate me. So it’s just a reminder of how I have this role and got this title by marrying my DH but I am not really a mother. When we married I got a lot of the smiliar obligations, financial and time impacts etc. of being a mother but without the benefits (so it feels). I have no children of my own so having this title of stepmother but not really being part of the family anymore is confusing and sad for me.

My mother has also passed away so this day brings up lot of challenging.emotions for me! I am not someone’s mother, not someone’s daughter any longer and though I am married and my husbands kids impact my/our lives and marriage, to his kids I am not an accepted part their family.

It is very challenging to go the grocery, shopping, read any May issue magazine, browse the internet without being bombarded with Mother’s Day marketing. For those that are mother’s I am sure it’s a very special and honored day just not one I am part of. I try to cope by trying to avoid seeing as much of it as I can.

So this dreaded day is coming up this Sunday and it is usually filled with grief, anger, lonliness, alienation,sadness etc. I try very hard to try to make it a low key day at home and practice some self care because it just makes it worse if you go out on that day and feels like everyone else is either celebrating or wishing you a “Happy Mother”s Day”, which I feel a need to politely respond, ‘thank you’, awkwardly.

Was wondering other stepmother’s out there how you deal with the day especially if you have skids that hate you so there is not going to be any form of acknowledgement of the day from them. What are some of your coping techniques to get you through the day? How do you your and your DH deal with the day (mine is usually quiet, doesn’t mention the day and leaves me alone, not sure if that a good thing or not). The day usually feels pretty much like hell for me always now. 

I would welcome feedback on coping strategies for dealing and getting thru Mother’s Day, besides that on Monday 5/13 it’s over which is one of my ways to cope and try to remain positive is to keep reminding myself its almost over.


tog redux's picture

My skid doesn't hate me, but he doesn't acknowledge me on Mother's Day either (nor do I expect him to).  I have no bio kids. Mother's Day doesn't bother me - though I am always baffled at why people wish every woman "Happy Mother's Day".  What if someone just had a miscarriage, or their child died?  Seems silly to assume all women are mothers. 

Seems like you have some grieving to do about not being a mother.  I occasionally feel sad about it, but not often.  It is what it is at this point. 


MommyT's picture

You are still a mother and it should be acknowledged by all. Mother’s Day is hard for me too because my ss leaves so my bio kiddos always ask where there brother is. It is a constant reminder that our family is different from our friends’. No one we know has stepkids so they don’t have to worry about schedules and holidays. Usually, I try not to make a big deal out of Mother’s Day because I think my kids should appreciate me without being told. If they are forced to do something for me then it doesn’t make it as special. I am not sure if that makes much sense but that is how I feel. Instead of sitting around alone on mother’s day, maybe you could go on a hike or have a spa day. Even though your skids and DH don’t acknowledge that this is a day to celebrate you, doesn’t mean that you can’t spoil yourself. Wake up and tell DH that you are celebrating mother’s day by getting a massage.

GoingWicked's picture

Why not take yourself out, treat yourself nice.   I spent every single one of my valentines days alone before DH, and I would buy myself some potted flowers, some expensive chocolates, wine and rent movies, and have a nice just me by myself night, maybe once or twice I invited a friend over and have a girls night.  I actually miss Valentine’s Day sans husband —not that he doesn’t try to make it great, but now I have to put up with the chocolates he chooses, and share with him, and get his input on the movie we watch etc.

Mother’s Day isn’t all it's cracked up to be with kids either, though it doesn’t help that SD is over the top gushing over BM, but I imagine that’s because she feels like I need to be put in my place, or insecurity because her BM kind of sucks so...  Anyway, I usually do what I like to do on Mother’s Day, I make the plans, usually a hike and then out to lunch.  I think the key to enjoying these kinds of holidays is about dropping the expectation that everyone needs to appreciate you, and just appreciating yourself.

shamds's picture

Hubby acknowledges it but skids don’t. Even for my birthday when i cook a lovely roast dinner at home because i felt like it there is and has never been a happy birthday since i married hubby 4.5 yrs ago.

heck if 3 skids (sd23, ss20, sd14) canmt muster a happy birthday or happy fathers day to their dad or half siblings, why in the world would i expect one for mine. Last year we were at dinner with my dad and it was ss birthday and the restaurant we were at sang happy birthday. I never sang along, i never cheered or clapped my hands and neither did my dad.

4.5 years of hell, emotional abuse and ss not feeling at all sorry for it and many days and night me crying on the phone to my dad does that to you.... so i don’t expect anything and skids shouldn’t expect anything from me, i have disengaged

hereiam's picture

Do something to honor YOUR mother. Light a candle, plant some flowers, do something that the two of you liked to do together, or something that makes you think of her and smile.

My mom used to laugh like crazy when we watched the sit-com, Laverne & Shirley, years ago. I have it on DVD and think of her every time I watch it.

Other than the sadness of not having my own mother, anymore, it's just another Sunday, to me. DH acknowledges me, but it's not important to me to be acknowledged by my SD. I am just not that emotionally invested in her.

Take care of you.

shellpell's picture

This is a great suggestion. My mother has passed also, and I will be going to church to light a candle and pray for her. Turn it into a day about your mother and how important she was to you,  not about skids (other people’s children).

Siemprematahari's picture

You can make this weekend anything you want it to be. It doesn't have to be about Mother's day. You are giving stepkids too much power and expecting/wanting acknowledgement will disappoint you every time. Have no expectations and view this weekend as one where you can treat yourself lovingly and validate what a wonderful woman you are. You don't need the step kids or anyone else to acknowledge your "role". You are so much more than just a step mom. Your thoughts and perspective on this day is what is holding you back from healing.

Book a spa and/or do something you love and enjoy and know that you are loved!

advice.only2's picture

Personally I try not to put too much credence into this Hallmark Holiday! I mean to me it's been cheapened to that of Valentines day and I can understand why it's just an added stress.

Enjoy the weekend just because it's the weekend.

HangingInThere2's picture

i appreciate everyone’s input!