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Letting it all go.

HangingInThere2's picture

How do you seperate your marriage from issues with adult step children when the step children won’t see you or speak to you and your husband accepts that. How do you deal? How do you just let all of them do whatever they want, see each other as much as they want and your are not included? Knowing your husband secretly gives them money etc. and now you are never part of any of any decision in any of his family stuff now. How do you accept being an outsider with his children because they won’t include you and still maintain marriage where you don’t feel you are alone and not supported when it comes to any issues with his children? Struggling to figure out how to cope?


susanm's picture

It depends.  If your DH is respectful of your feelings and does not rub it in your face then it can work well.  He can see them just as he sees friends that he plays with on a soft ball team regularly.  He does his thing and you do yours and everything is fine.  They are adults and presumably have their own lives that they are consumed with.  But if they are enmeshed to where they need to consult on what kind of cars to buy or what color to paint the front door or having them call on a nearly daily basis for long talks then no. It will not work to have you excluded from such a big part of his daily life.  He will allso have to accept that family holidays are to be spent with you, not his kids, because THEY are the ones who are refusing to play nice.  If he wants cozy family holidays then they need to get over themselves.  They are not little kids   They understand exactly what they are doing and the position they are putting their father in.  They would not want him rejecting and refusing to associate with their spouses.  So long as he is willing to make them pay the price then you are fine.  If not, you are screwed.

HangingInThere2's picture

I may be screwed as he makes them pay no price at all for their behavior. So with him accepting it and expecting me to as well there seems to be little hope of this ever changing.

Disillusioned's picture

I think it works two ways, and as long as your DH accepts that, hopefully it will make it easier

My OSD barely says two words to me, she has often been rude, and is generally an ass when it comes to me

DH isn`t happy about that and does make some effort to stand up for me, never nearly enough of course, and still tries to maintain a relationship with her

I respect the fact she doesn`t like me or want me in her life

I respect that she is still DH`s daugher, he still loves her and wants a relationship with her

But, I will not kiss her ass or fall over backwards towards her or make any real effort at all - and as long as DH accepts that and does not push me to as he used to - then I can live with the situation

Don`t take your adult skids treatment of you personally. They`re probably jealous and unable to contain it. If they don`t want you in their life so be it. Wash your hands of it and remember it works both ways

When you see them, don`t be rude or nasty of course. Be polite and classy but pay absolutely no real attention to them. Do not ask how things are going with them, don`t try to engage them in discussions and don`t bother much to participate in theirs. 

If they`re openly rude to you then your DH needs to stand up for you, or certainly to stay out of it if you stand up for yourself and make it clear to them that`s not happening

But as long as it`s just a matter of them not wanting anything to do with you, be happy for the stress reduction and accept it if you can! 

HangingInThere2's picture

Thanks for creating an account just to reach out to me, that means a lot to me! I really am trying not to take it personally but it's hard. And unfortunatley it has got worse, not even a new wife, been married over 10 years.  I am trying not to take there hate of me personally but it's hard, I get even more from your situation that your husbands daughters disliked you from the beginning not becuase of you but because they did not like a new woman in their lifes. It is hard as sometimes I think stepmothers have a very hard road right off the start of ever being accepted by the SKIDS. I used to believe it would get better as they matured and got older but now as adults it seems to be worse than ever.

Setting boundaries I do believe is a good plan, I like your idea of writing them out, I will try that. I just hope my husband will be willing to listen, so far all of it has been non-negotiable with him and they have not had to change any of their behavior and DH accepts it all and expects me to accept it all. That is what is so hard!  I really hope I can get to a point where I just dont think about them at all and dont let their hate of me hurt my heart so much!

Appreciate all your input, it was helpful.

Survivingstephell's picture

Spend some time with the Adult skid forum.  You will find ways over there.  

Areyou's picture

If you’re not ok with that arrangement keep making a big deal about it until DH changes. It’s a sexist world. When a woman expresses a concern it’s dismissed. What if you ignored DHs requests? He would be so upset.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Here's how I deal. I don't want to have a damn thing to do with these stupid middle aged women who hate my guts simply because I married their daddy. These women who have their own lives, their own families, but daddy is supposed to sit alone waiting for them to summon him to serve them and their royal offspring.

I could have added to their lives (and tried to at one time), but any benefit I could have added was not enough to overcome the problem that I simply exist.

So DH can deal with them on his own. The more silent I am, the more they expose themselves and their self serving motives.  It's sad, but I didn't cause this mess.  The more I complain, the more I look like the problem causer.

The bottom lines with our DH's is they do not want to lose their children. Their children are part of them and part of their egos. Men typically want to be respected more than loved, and having the respect of their children is important. Men also do not want to lose their significant others, their source of comfort. My DH tried to straddle the fence for years making everyone happy until I got sick of the treatment from his precious snowflakes and his fear of confronting them. I told him he was free to have the relationship on his own and leave me out of it. 

He can see them when he wants except holidays. If they were nice, we could all be together, but I didn't cause this mess.  With my DH, he does not want to give up his comfortable life at home to make his long adult children happy. And they continue to punish him for that.

DH did not need their approval to marry me, and I do not need their acceptance. 

So that's how I deal with it, and I could not do it any other way. I refuse to be a second class citizen to the Holy Original Family. 

HangingInThere2's picture

That was a powerful reply message, thanks. I dont want to be a second class citizen either! I think you are right about he respect issue and the ego coming into play for the DH, never thought of it that way.