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seperating from dh and recovery

depressedme's picture

I’ve never ever felt so stressed out as I do now. I’m now 12 days post op hysterectomy and it’s been rough I now have a wound infection well 2 to top it off one in belly button from failed laparoscopic and the edge of my big wound. To say I feel exhausted is an understatement.

Dh came home Friday and with no communication had decided because things were not great between us he wouldn’t put any money into the account wtf!! ( to clarify we have our own seperate accounts then a joint savings and a seperate joint we use for shopping and small bills I pay the bills dh puts money into savings as bills were all in my name when we met we left it like this as saving a house deposit and would change when we moved). So we had a huge row, I was pissed off as I was planning to keep things on the low until I’m recovered and then discuss divorce . Anyway upshot was I split joint account and then transferred money to support myself until I’m back at work this was always the plan anyway. We agreed the marriage is basically over, dh won’t apologise or admit any wrong doing and back to a circular agreement about sds which ends in they are his kids and his prioity and I just want him to cut them off blah blah( no I want you stop being so emeshed with osd and uphold boundaries and stick up and support your wife!!). After his Daye with osd on thurs when he was meant to be looking after or helping me I can’t forgive him and then they had another date yesterday.

To make things worse his sil has been offered a jobworking away and the situation with osd will get worse because then daddy will need to fill the void her dh does.

So dh is in spare room. Bs knows somethings wrong but I haven’t told him yet. I feel like I’m a failure. I feel like my life’s been turned upside down by this man and his selfish entitled offspring. I’ve told dh to start looking for somewhere else to live but i have agreed he can stay until I’m back driving. I don’t have any family to help as they live in the uk. Plus it will be hard organising with friends as most work. Once I can drive again I will be fine.

Did anyone else split from dh over sds and general selfish behaviour? If so how did u cope? Right now I wish I could fast forward a few months so this will be over I feel like a real idiot. I married a cold narcissist less than a year ago


FrenchPeas's picture

I did but mine was a sociopath. It was sweet peace to be rid of them all. I cut all contact and blocked them all on social media. You’re going to be so much happier. I had a rough surgery with complications. Five day hospital stay. He never came home from his work shift since it wasn’t an emergency. Even though i was in the emergency room having emergency surgery. Go figure. Filed for divorce before i had the stitches removed. He lied and told everyone he did and had me served. I busted up and sent those folks the screen shot showing i did and paidnfor it. We never combined finances so i just moved utilities into his name. He was alone on the lease. I bought a house behind his back and dropped the bomb on him when he signed the quit claim.

Been happy and single ever since. You’ll be great!!!

depressedme's picture

That’s terrible!!! My dhhas left me in the er also in the past to have dinner with sds it hurt me a lot . I know he will turn this around and be the victim because daddy can do no wrong! Even his own brother calls him the golden child because everyone thinks he’s mr perfect lol. How little do they know!

FrenchPeas's picture

Don’t you worry, it’s all going to come out in the wash!! My parents and sister were with me. They ran interference on his phone calls. He actually was angry when my dad stopped taking his calls and he had to call the desk for my room. If my sister answered, he didn’t get past her. She hung up.

You take care of you and your son. He will be just fine with his mini wife daughter. Gross. Lol

Amcc13's picture

I am sorry you are going through all of this
What a terrible terrible man - I hope you let everyone who wants to listen know what he is
Document all the times he has left you at the emergency room and how he has withheld support and money now while you are ill
Make sure they are brought up during the divorce and if you can make him pay for portion of the medical bills do - I would lay that wound infection at his feet . I think your also the one whose husband goes on secret dates to show his daughter she is the centre of his world -
Make sure you have a copy of that too
That steps to protect yourself and your son as needed

Please take care of yourself at this difficult time

bananaseedo's picture

I'm so sorry, sending you big hugs! Look, I'm a strong supporter of fight like hell for your marriage, for a divorced gal I'm quite anti-divorce. I think a lot of the reasons women on this board and society say 'just divorce' is heart-breaking, petty and so dismissive of what wedding vows mean.

THat said, I think there are some things that are too big to overcome. A man leaving or neglecting his wife in time of need (What about during sickness and health?) is a man that will never EVER care for you in the way you need him to. I have horror stories of my exh from when I was pregnant at 7 months in a car crash where he left me at the hospital-where I labored alone, almost had him alone and then spent the rest of the hospital stay alone. I have memories of coming home scared w/an infant, having an 18month old at home and not knowing how I would go at it alone the next day-I came back to the house being wrecked/dirty he yelled, cussed me at, insulted me because how dare I? He had to stay home and babysit our 18 month old during HIS BIRTHDAY (yes, my YS was born day b4 exe's bday) and why should he clean to? I fell to my knees sobbing that day feeling so hurt, so abandoned, so rejected, so abused. I think I made a decision that day-it took 2 years to implement but I got there. It still hurts to remember those times.

What kind of man spends 30min at a hospital w/his 7month pregnant wife while she's having premature labor after a wreck that totaled our car- because 'he has to work tomorrow' - my dad even told him to stay w/me and take the day off, like wth, I'm sure they'll understand! My dad was pissed. Ex didn't care.

To say, there are times it's ok to divorce a neglectful, evil, hurtful man- and you have plenty of them. Between his neglect of you and his emotionally incestuos relationship w/his girl...yeah- you'll be better off. Forget the naysayers. People will talk, it's what they do. But you and your son will be happier and free of this kind of treatment.

I really despise and loathe men that refuse to care for their wives during illness/time of need. Speaks to the core of the piece of s*it that they are. Pathetic as*holes!

TexasPickles's picture

Repeat after me: I deserve better. Repeat. I deserve better.

Big hugs. I know how scary it is and twice as much because you are recovering. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you all the best.

Thumper's picture

depressedme, all you have to say is, 'I made a mistake'

Close friends who you have confided in know what is going on. Same with family you may have shared with.

No one else matters.

"I made a mistake"...

that's it.

Pear's picture

My cancer really shone a light on some major flaws in my first marriage. It wasn’t the final nail in the coffin, but it was definitely the beginning of the end.

Of my previous marriage I like to say “thank goodness I finally came to my senses and left”.

CLove's picture

DepressedMe - your handle said it all. You should feel loved in your marriage, not feel like the enemy, the afterthought, the less-than.

So many times we gradually accept what most would think of as abuse, because it happens so gradually, and we have a tough decision to make - its really tough!!!! To leave the knowable, and embrace the unknowable.

Yes, time travel forward to your happy place, sounds wonderful. But, you need to take care of you and your son, and move forward out of this toxic situation.

Good luck!!!