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Money and adult stepkids

HangingInThere2's picture

Money is always a hot and sensitive issue. How do you deal when you know your husband sneaks and pays for lots of things for and gives money to the stepkids without talking to you? How do you just try to accept that he is going to give them money (big $ sometimes) and yet you are not included in any of that, knowing if you don’t like him doing that (which I’ve said) he will still figure out a way to sneak and give them money and pay for lots of things, big gifts etc.anyway.  Some of it maybe his money but the rest of it is our money that he doesn’t tell me about and finds a way to conceal from me.

To me it seems like husband wants to overindulge his adult children. Not sure what that’s all about?

I just dislike that he spends what I think is way too much money on his adult kids that hate me and won’t have anything to do with me and I have to pretend I don’t know he gives them money or pays for big ticket items for them. He knows I hate spending/giving them too much $, I’ve told him that many times but it doesn’t seem to matter as he finds a way to sneak and give them money anyway and they find a way to always need or expect something.

Money issues with stepkids, especially I think adult stepkids is tough! Younger SKIDS I think may be easier to accept $’s needing to go that way and I tried to do that more at that time when they were younger. But now as adults in there late 20’s and 30’s when does it become too much?

 

Comments

STaround's picture

yYou both pay to run house.  You discuss with him that you want him building up his own retirement fund.   If he has mone left over, he can spend how he wants, same for you.  

notsobad's picture

This would be a hill to die on for me.

Money and finances are a touchy subject and I couldn't live with someone who was lying to me about spending. Spending on anything, skids, clothes, trips, lunches out. For me it's a trust issue. If I can't trust DH, I can't be with him.

We have combined finances and that works just fine for us. DH will tell me when he's taking SD(29) shopping for her birthday or if he's getting SS(27)s truck detailed for his birthday. We set a limit for Christmas shopping and we stick to it. If any of the kids need money for an emergency we discuss it. If either of us takes a kid or skid out for lunch or dinner, we tell the other one about it. There are no surprises on the credit card statements.

I think it's time to sit down with your DH and have a long talk about how you are hurt by not only his spending but his hiding it from you. If he is determined to give his adult children money then he needs to be honest with you about it. If you are completly against him doing it, then you'll have to separate your finances and make sure that he's not only paying his fair share of the bills but also putting enough away for retirement. Then he can give his kids whatever he wants.

He's crippling them, not helping them but you'll never be able to convince him of that.

marblefawn's picture

We had a similar problem with SD. She would call out of the blue and ask for $2500 to fly to see her mom's family in another country. She was living the high life while we were skimping and saving.

I made it pretty clear before we married that I considered his money our money and my money our money. So when these ridiculous requests came from a SD who was jetting all over the world at the drop of a hat, I reasoned with him: she's an adult, you lost a lot of $$$ in your divorce, you need to gain back ground you lost on your retirement. She was at the beginning of her earning potential -- we are at the end and must watch our money so we don't need to impose on her.

My husband was reasonable (I hope yours is too). When her wedding rolled around, he paid for all of it and I didn't feel I was in a position to say no. But I used that opportunity to say, "OK, we'll pay for her wedding, but that must be it: no more plane tickets, no more cars, no down payments for houses.This is it. Agreed?" And we stuck to it.

As far as I know, SD's requests for $$$ have stopped and my husband isn't giving her anything. My husband also gave thousands to his brother who didn't work. That I found out by looking at our checkbook. I also put a stop to that saying if he gives a 50-year-old money, what incentive is there to get a job? As soon as he stopped paying his brother, his brother got a job, which he still has.

This worked for me because my husband was reasonable and he did recognize how much money he lost for his retirement because of his divorce. If you're awash in funds, it will be hard to make the argument that you need to protect your own future so you aren't a burden on the skids.

But I still think the soundest argument not to give away $$$ to skids is that you MUST have your own nest egg so you don't become a burden to the skids. Retirement doesn't seem expensive until something goes wrong.

Turn this around when you talk to your husband about it. Make it all about his kids: you don't want to be a burden to them in your old age. That's all these Disney dads understand.

somethingwicked's picture

"To me it seems like husband wants to overindulge his adult children. Not sure what that’s all about?"

It's about guilt.

Your DH feels guilty about something where the skids are concerned.

So Disney DADDDEEE DH throws money at them at the slightest whisper or grunt from his ADULT skids hoping to buy their love and affection ..attention.

And it's very difficult to trust a partner who sneaks behind your back to placate his ADULT children.

They hate you.They love him for the money.  Nuff said.

I'd take the advice of these posters about separating finances .

Have the talk about money and finances and retirement and maybe you should even consider the outcome of DisengagedSm54. Don't put it off no matter how uncomfortable because  what he is doing is affecting YOU ,too, and your financial health ,security and retirement.

Your DH is not thinking about long term with you,like retirement , if he is throwing money at his ADULT children.

They are starting out and have 40 -50 years to build their nest egg.You and DH do not.

OP ,I could not respect  a SO or spouse who is sneaking behind my back the way you describe the antics of your DH with his ADULT children.

If you guys want to live in a cardboard box and eat  canned cat food in retirement then do nothing more than what you have ..but I would  come down on him like a brick wall to put an end to his sneaking money to these needy  and, most likely, lazy  and living beyond their means  ADULT children.

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Years ago, we had a poster here who tried and tried to get her husband to stop handing over large sums of money to his adult kids. Even though they couldn't afford it, he refused to stop and it became a power struggle between them...until she stopped nagging and begging, and started withdrawing an equal amount every time he did. It seemed he didn't mind their account being shorted $3500 for his darlings, but seeing it $7000 short was upsetting. He stopped subsidizing his adult brats, and she kept the money she's withdrawn squirreled away out of his reach.