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Hate my SS

EveryoneLies's picture

I tried really hard not to say it out loud. I really tried. But the truth is really that I hate the fact I have to live with my autistic SS over 300 days a year, because his own $hit mom won’t freaking do her 30% of parent duty.

Every night with homework is a freaking fight. Four years now and nothing has changed. For some reason he still thinks he’s the smartest and tries to “teach me” every time we correct him. DH does most of the hw checking but it’s never really stress free. 

I hate that I have explain to everyone, myself included, that he is on the spectrum every time he f-ed up. I hate that I have to say “I get that it’s hard to be autistic,” every time he acts like a jerk. I hate the constant lying and arguing and being yelled at by the little jerk. I hate that I can’t relax at my own home because he’s freaking loud and won’t change. 

I also hate that with SS12 being on the spectrum also makes me feel like we can’t have nice things. He breaks stuff as if they are free. I don’t really care if he does that intentionally or not, it’s not like a 12 year old can really pay back (nor do we adults really expect him to), it’s really the not give a f- about things that he doesn’t own, that attitude freaking drives me nuts. I hate that DH doesn’t get to do much of the things he would like to do because of SS is hard to care. I hate that my daughter can’t just leave her stuff in the shared bathroom because SS can’t keep his hand off things that are not his. (He has his own set)

DH said the boy has to learn to sort $hit out because he’s not going to live with us forever. I don’t really know if it will actually come true. Right now with SS’ constant half-arse effort, arrogant attitude, and crappy work quality no matter what he does, I don’t know what kind of employer will want to hire a person like this. Even group home is an option, it’s not free and I’d hate to foot the bill (even just partial) when he’s no longer a child. 

Even when people compliment me saying I’m being the mother figure, I am screaming inside not wanting to be associate with him.

I don’t need the glory of being a “good stepmom”, just as I don’t need him around. He’s really the shittiest roommate no one wants. (No joke, googling shitty roommate you can find most of the description just matching my SS) I am really afraid when he becomes an adult he will just keep staying here because he can’t be independent. Or keeps coming back here because no one wants to live with him. 

I’m so tired. 


justmakingthebest's picture

Vent away and feel free to reach out to me any time.

My SS19 is Autistic (and bi-polar and ADHD to name a few). I get the frustrations some (read: most) days. We don't think my SS will ever live on his own. He is with us 100% of the time. My husband is military and has always had full custody. BM1 is a druggie and a loser who has 8 other kids and custody of none. Anyway, SS19 was living with my MIL when we first started dating. Once we moved in together we thought about moving him back to our state but everyone decided to let him finish high school because he was actually on track to graduate. So DH and I had our first 3 years together without him except for summers and holiday breaks.

I love the kid, I really do but there are days when I want to scream at him! He lies about everything. He can't seem to do the basics- brush his teeth, shower, POOP!- without us on his back. I know he as the ability to do them, but they aren't important to him so he doesn't. It is exhausting sometimes. Yesterday he messed up again and lied and got caught and so he started doing little chores around the house to "make me happy". He just kept blowing up my phone with pictures while I was at work of: look, I walked the dog, look I wiped down the island counter, look I ____. I think there was like 17 messages in the course of 30 mins. I was so mad I just told him that I was over it and had nothing to say to him right now. 

Eventually last night we talked but what I really want to do is beat his head into the wall to knock some sense into the kid! It's days when I imagine that this is as good as he is ever going to be and I will have to live with him for the rest of my life that I just want to lose it... 

HOWEVER, it's not every day. He really has come a LONG way since he has been with me. I am making a difference in his life. I will be able to get him into an in-law suite so he will live with us but have autonomy. Some days are just hard. Some days just suck. So vent away, it does help!

EveryoneLies's picture

I don’t know how you are able to pull it through. You have all my respect.

I guess my struggle partly lays on that I don’t think DH and I are completely on the same page—or perhaps it is too much to think that his son is probably never going to be indepandent. I have no problem supporting kids working hard on their goals, even if they are not mine. BUT this kid is not one of those! Granted “he doesn’t mean it that way” he still makes it everyone’s job to help him succeed. I told him there is no special ed in College and if he can’t make it, then he can’t. He was genuinely shocked.

I want to say he’s been better already, at least, we are no longer getting daily phone calls from his teachers about his meltdown or tantrums. I just don’t feel my life quality is getting any better though Sad I also hate that I become so mean when I talk to him. Sad

Harry's picture

Like like this the rest of your life.  These kids will never be able to live on there own.  Where is the kids father?  Why is he not helping doing the homework?  Why are you doing it all?  It maybe time to starting planing an exit 

EveryoneLies's picture

DH checks SS’ hw most of the days. There are only a few occasions when (very rarely) DH has social events at night will I be checking his homework. However, I have to take care of the morning routines, where conflicts also often happen...

I can’t complaint about DH not being a good dad, because he is a good father. I just hate that it seems like we are tied with this kid forever -_-

DarkStar's picture

I have been in my SS15's life since he was 6. He is also autistic "high-functioning". I hear you! I feel you! You are not alone, you are not horrible, you are a human being. At this point, there is almost NOTHING likeable about my SS15. I don't want to take over your blog, but since school started in late August, he has had 2 in-school suspensions, and TWO of his band associate-helpers just quit, refuses to work with him anymore so he's probably going to have to drop out of band.
It's never ending. He has ZERO impulse-control. He knows exactly what's right and what's wrong and can tell you exactly why what he did was wrong, but he just doesn't care. What he wants, in the moment, rules over all. I am lucky in that my FDH is very involved, we live in a very good school district, and he makes very good money so we can afford therapy. We are VERY lucky in that a therapy place that specializes in autistic kids is just down the street from us.
The only advice I have from you is to let go. I have let go of so many things and it's saved my sanity. I don't care about his homework. I don't care if he takes a shower. I don't care if he eats like a pig (I moved my dining seat so I can't see him eat). I don't care if he won't get up for school....etc. The only things I do is prepare meals for the family, laundry, and making sure he has clothes that fit and aren't trashed (on FDH's credit card)
ETA...there is no way SS will ever be able to hold down a job, live on his own, etc. FDH is VERY aware that I will not live with SS as an adult. He will qualify for disability so hopefully there are still local facilities for SS when he turns 18.

SteppedOut's picture

Ugh. Are you ever worried that even though you have made it clear you won't live with an adult, when the time comes your husband won't want him to live in a group home? What if your husband refuses and you have wasted all that time waiting? 

EveryoneLies's picture

My DH is also very involved. We are just both very tired. At this point nothing is really new in his routine but things can go really bad at random. He doesn’t really need a “trigger” for things to go bad, but of course a trigger can make it worse. I don’t want to care much but I feel like I can’t. (I do have the problem of not being able to let go...I will own that)

It is also that when people make comments about my “good work” or “being a mother figure” making me feel like I am a fake that is killing me Sad On top of that the BM constantly being a jerk definitely doesn’t help anything.

I hope SS will qualify disability but I fear that we are earning too much for him to qualify. We are looking for new place and exploring the possibility of buying a home but I almost feel like I just don’t want to get a nice home that might one day end up being trashed by SS. So petty, I know.