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Can’t stand the boy lately

EveryoneLies's picture


I thought about not posting this but recently it has been quite unbearable. 

After the crazy BM episode (spoiler alert: she didn’t even bother to see her son a bit, surprise!) we have been struggling with SS11’s behavior. Even the school work and homework both have been really light. 

Again SS11 is high functioning ASD + ADHD. I get that most of the time he really didn’t intend to offend, but god, when do you really draw a line when you have been teaching the same thing over and over and over and this human being just seemingly can’t learn? 

Lately with the overall lighter workload at school he thought it’s vacation time already. Because of this, anything he does is half-assly done. Taking out the trash will take 3 tries. Putting the dog food will take two tries. Not to mention the light hw, 4 to 5 tries is just regular. On top of that he argues loud and plays dumb to get out of the task. Asking him to do any chose you will hear loud whines, even though he is the only person in the household that doensn’t really do $hit when everyone is working. Hubby has been the main person to be on his arse, but still there is no way for me to escape this since our house is not that big and both Hubby and SS can be loud. I hate to say this but the experience living with SS almost develope a universal hate in me towards people on the spectrum.

I guess my main issue with him is that he has no idea of how much work has been done FOR HIM. How much help he had been taking from EVERYONE around him. He takes everything for granted and thinks his tiny contribution (when it occurs) is a huge amount of effort from his end. This attitude totally pissed me off and I just can’t shake it off. He just takes and takes and takes, and while he takes, creating a trail of craps for others to pick up for him. 

He’s almost 12 but he can’t clean the dishes or putting back dishes without hand-holding. Can’t do basic self care without making a big scene (e.g. when he had a minor cut he would tell you he’s bleeding profusely —-although you can’t even see the wound). He also has a weird habit of developing odd habits that no one appreciates. For instance, flushing the toilet for no reason. (Just walk in to the bathroom, flush the toilet, then walk out—we asked him what this is even for, he just said he likes to hear it flush.) All of these might sound so small and petty but when they happen on the daily basis, it really becomes a crazy monster inside me. I feel like I’m in a very dark place and my anger gets triggered the moment I see his face or hear his voice.

Maybe some will say “ how can you dislike a child so much? He’s just a boy.” I want to ask how can a human being makes himself so unlikable, but I guess this is also too much to ask.  

I really hate that I snap so easily now. I really hate that I am having such a strong negative feelings towards a minor. I couldn’t get a break though, because whenever I am to walk for a break he would shove himself to my face BECAUSE HE WANTS SOMETHING. (And I happened to be the closest person, he IS that lazy. Even if I always tell him to go to his dad it doesn’t help)

Sorry for the long rant. My apologies for any moms to ASD kids. I understand each kid on the spectrum is different, and your kid is probably nothing like my SS. I hope this post does not trigger any painful feelings to parents of kids on the spectrum. I have nothing, seriously nothing good to remember or hold on to regarding my SS (The first time I babysat him and helped him with his hw, he was yelling and screaming at me already. That was how our relationship starts).

I don’t know how this road will lead. FML. 


tog redux's picture

I think it's really, really hard to raise a kid like this when it's your biological kid and you have the bond that parents have with their kids.

To raise a stepkid like this would be almost unbearable.  I picture him in my small house and I want to lose my mind just thinking about it. The only way I would survive would be if I had a sanctuary that was my own, in my house, that I could get away to and he couldn't come in.

The other alternative would be to have my own place I could at least stay in periodically.

Do you feel DH does enough to care for his kid? Because I would be willing to do about 10% of what it sounds like you are doing.

EveryoneLies's picture

DH has been doing all he can. He is a good father (TBH i don’t feel SS deserves him, that is, because of him being so ungrateful). I would not offer help at all if DH is leaving SS to me just because. I also work full time and have enough earning so it’s not like I need to depend on anyone.

Again I do understand that Autism is a disability for a reason. I just feel like this kid is like almost unteachable. How many times are you supposed to teach a person how to wash his hands and his face? (He still can’t do it the right way) How many times are you supposed to teach someone to chew with their mouths shut. How many times are you supposed to teach someone how to cut their steak? And really how many times are you supposed to teach a child to clean up after themeselves after a meal??


SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Not your kid nor your responsibility. You can’t care more than the Biowh0re. Disengage. Do not babysit.

EveryoneLies's picture

Except we are not the occasional parents to this child. -_- I wish I can escape this, but what can you do when the NCP bio mom won’t take her own son more than 30 days a year?

Just J's picture

What a tough situation. No judgement here, I'm pretty sure I could not be a stepmother to a kid like that. It's hard enough to be a step parent to kids without any disorders so I can't imagine how much more difficult your situation is. Sorry you're dealing with it. I agree with disengaging. His parents should be doing the parenting and you ignore what you can and defer to dad what you can't. I wouldn't want to do anything for an ungrateful brat either. 

EveryoneLies's picture

The Dad is doing all he can. He doesn’t hang out with friends or coworkers after work and just go straight back home because his son is difficult. BM is another story, she’s all about herself and the drama she’s to create.

I don’t know how to ignore him though, because he is just loud all the time, even though he is in his room with door closed. He has no awareness of how loud he is. It’s like you really want to pretend this person doesn’t exist and he will just keep reminding you about his existence. -_-

Harry's picture

Don’t do anything for SS. Let DH figure it out. Have SH arrange for child care for SS. Have DH cook and clran up after SS.  He not your kid and not your problem.  You did not marry SS.  His care us up to his BM and BF.  You do not do more them.  If BM doesn’t care why should you ????

EveryoneLies's picture

We can’t though. BM lives in another state. TBH I don’t really give a f about the kid, however I do care about DH, who’s also exhausted just like me. Unfortunately both BM and SS are very self-centered (although SS has legit reasons that doesn’t change a thing)

But again, I feel so super wicked every time I complain to DH about his son. I just really hate that we have to plan our lives around him and he took everything for granted.

Harry's picture

UA child with someone who did not want to be a mother.  That on him.  This kid is not yours, he will never be, he will never be thankful to you.,,   So of you want to base your life around an ungrateful kid,  that up to you.,  This kid is never going to live on his own,  So he’s either going to live the rest of his life with you, or he going to be placed into some type of halfway place.  You better start think about the feast of your life.

Question,  If you leave your DH today What happens to this kid.?  Does BF stop working to take care of him ?  Does he place the child in a faculty?  Can DH actually take care of his DS by himself?  Are you the only reason this child is living at home with you and your DH.? Are you causing your own problems?  Something to think about