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Am I doing the right thing??

Starrynight's picture


This is my first post *Wave*

I guess I'm looking for some advice or perhaps some clarity.

My ex (whom I am currently still living with, until my house is ready to move into) left me twice for his ex wife (SS bio mother) in the last 3 months. I am moving out with our bio son who is 1 years old. I was all set, even though my ex is currently trying to get me to take him back. My mind was made up, that me and DS were going to start a new. But...During the time since him breaking us off, his son(SS) has come to live with him. He is a sweet lad, but he has a few issues, we are unsure whether it is ADHD or something else under the Autism umbrella. I have no problem if he is dealing with either of these, as my Dad and brother have Aspergers/High functioning Autism, plus I have worked with young children the same age as SS who is 5. This might also be why I spotted it, as did his paternal grandmother who has worked with children and adults with Autism. I am glad we have noticed it, as we will be able to get him help and/or support sooner in his life to help him. His Mum denies that there is anything going on related to his behaviors and Autism.

Something is making me think I should stay for this little boy, even though some of his behaviors affect mine and his Dad's relationship. On the other hand I think I should go, as his Dad doesn't like me telling him off. His behavior is starting to affect my DS, as SS hates being touched or any of his toys being touched. This would be fair enough, if SS didn't think that he doesn't have to share his toys, but that DS does. We've tried the if you don't share then you can't expect to have toys shared with you. But he just isn't getting it. To the point where he came into the front room the other day saying "This teddy is mine, my teddy, mine, mine!!". This was out of no where. No one had said he had to share it, and DS was no where near him, playing with his own toys. He also makes noises for cars, bikes and monster trucks in the back of his throat. it sounds painful and is very loud. Now DS has picked this up and started doing it. DS used to make a normal Brumm Brumm noise. If DS is copying this already, I really don't want him copying everything. Especially the ticks like hand flapping, finger clicking, spinning in circles, running laps from one room to the other over and over. I guess I just need to vent and maybe get some other peoples perspective on this. 


Thanks for listening. x


futurobrillante99's picture

Your partner has cheated on you with his ex wife twice in the last 3 months. The SS has two parents. You cannot care more about this child than they do. You also can't sacrifice your own child's wellbeing and your very soul to stay with a man who is an unfaithful partner and an unfaithful parent (poor parent).

You can't "save" this kid without jeopardizing yourself and your own child.

I have two sons under the Autism umbrella. Both what they used to call high functioning. I would never fault you for turning around and walking away.

And please note that I didn't realize my youngest had problems until around 18 months. Prior to that he was developing normally. My older son wasn't diagnosed as Asperger's until age 9. You don't know if your son has it or not at age 1.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Yes of course leaving is the only reasonable thing here unless you enjoy being cheated on, abused and sidelined while ruining your own child's life for a kid you have no legal rights to and no way to truly create change if the grandmother can't.

Consider your gift to SS the fact you did push for your soon (I hope!) to be ex to get him help.  Staying stuck in a miserable life with someone who is clearly still with his ex in the literal sleeping with sense does not do you, your child nor SS any good.

Make 2021 a much better year for you and your son.

Starrynight's picture

Thank you futurobrillante99 and Aunt Agatha for your honest answers, I appreciate them. 

The problem is that my ex swears that he never did anything sexual with the Bio Mum. He said they only ever shared a hug. Could be true, might not be. Either way it hurt me a lot. The issue is I never left the house after either break up, so the opportunity was never there for him to bring her over. She always has friends round so they would have known. She was playing 3 men all at the same time to get different things out of them, including my ex. The last time he split up with me, the next day he went round to see what was going on with them. He came rushing back here after an hour, declaring he'd made a massive mistake, and that he regretted it and wanted to try again between me and him. 

I've always been brought up by a very caring and compassionate mother and father, that has definitely rubbed off on me, and unfortunately because of that I always look at the bigger picture and consider every ones feelings in the situation. I feel like my ex and SS have more to lose, and maybe that's why I feel bad about trying to move out. But like you've both said, my bio son is the one I should be concentrating on now. I just hope I am making the right decision for him, by moving us out. I feel bad that he won't get to grow up with the loving family unit (Bio Mum and Dad) I was so lucky to grow up in. 

Thanks Again x 

Winterglow's picture

Emotional cheating is as bad as physical cheating because they're sharing an intimate and private side of themselves whereas sometimes physical cheating is just sex.

Look, you can't save everyone in this world that you meet that you think you can help. Start by saving yourself and your son so that you can have a life free of doubts and fears of what your ex-DuH will do next. Look to your future and let your STBX and the bm take care of their own child. There are therapists out there who are qualified to work with children like this - let them do their jobs.

This child is officially none of your business ... as much as you might hate that.

Starrynight's picture

I know you are right. I agree with emotional cheating being worse, but I feel like if it was physical I could have walked away easier. 

So much has happened in this relationship. When I met STBX and SS I loved SS like he was mine, my own. Unfortunately after 4 months of the relationship STBX decided he was going to be a photographer of my families hobby. Every weekend me and SS were basically shoved together, whilst STBX ran off doing his hobby. The first year wasn't too bad, but the second year I was pregnant and it was getting harder and harder. SS stopped listening to me, he didn't want to be with me, all he wanted was his Dad, which is fair enough. But because we'd be made to spend the time together, it made mine and SS relationship very strained. The hardest part was when I had him one weekend when I was 8 nearly 9 months pregnant, he was swinging on the arm of a chair. I told him to stop, instead he swang back and kicked me in the bottom of my baby bump where my DS's head was. I was so upset. Luckily it didn't hurt DS, but it was just proof to me that I no longer had any standing with him. He's also clawed my face when I picked him up, because he wouldn't move from behind a garden gate that people were trying to come through. I don't know why I'm trying to save this child when he doesn't really listen to me?? I guess I care too much. 

I will look to mine and DS future. x

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Follow your instincts and leave. I watched one of my closest friends go through the same thing for 20 years. She is one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. But chose to stay with a man who was constantly being manipulated by BM and had indiscretions with her over the years.

It destroyed her, over time she lost a part of herself she will never get back. She suffers from depression and anxiety due to all the years of gaslighting and emotional abuse from him and the BM. 

Starrynight's picture

Hi Wicked stepmo,

I really feel for your friend. I'm only just 3 years in and this is where it's got me. 

I've always had a feeling about their co-parenting relationship, it always felt a little too close for comfort. Of course I always got the "don't be silly" routine. I so wish I had listened to my intuition. But I didn't, now I reap the rewards of that decision. Part of me so hoped I was wrong. Now I realise I was right all along. Unfortunately I've been in a relationship with a narcassist before this one. That just makes it worse, I should have seen the red flags, maybe I did and I just ignored them because I was happy at the time?! 

Hey you live, you learn.... Well hopefully!! 

Thank You Again!! x

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Better to learn late than not at all. Always keep in mind that if you are the kind of person who attracted one narc, you will attract more. 

JRI's picture

You are a caring and compassionate person and I'm glad your SS has had you in his life.  You have set the stage, with your persona, for your DS and his brother to have a good relationship later.  But you know it is best for you and D'S to leave.  Good luck, Starrynight.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So you're the back-up and BM is the prize.

Look, I'll be blunt: if you didnt have a kid together and he wanted to go back to BM, I could totally see him making the excuse that he wanted a second chance with his family for his son's sake. But, you have a kid together. That tells me that he's either still hung up on BM or she has his balls buried so deep in her purse that she still has total control over him.

Either way, he's just not that into you. You are a replacement - a filler for what he lost. Or, you're filling whatever hole is inside of him that he hasn't bothered to try and fix in himself. He's not ready for a relationship - much less two children, but there's no fixing that. What he needs is a vasectomy and the number to a good escort service.

This sounds harsh, but if it wasn't you, it would be some other woman. I'd bet that if you leave and BM keeps stringing him along that you'll end up hearing about another GF in less than a month. I'd bet that because you aren't the first woman to come here with this same story, and you won't be the last.

Now, that little boy is in for a rough childhood. However, you can't fix that. You have your own child that you need to model good, healthy relationships for. Sticking around with a guy who not only cheats but leaves you when he thinks the grass is greener only teaches your child that they should expect the same treatment when they are older. It only teaches your SS that using people is acceptable and expected, which is not a behavior or ideology that you want to reinforce in someone who will already struggle with empathy and selfishness due to their medical diagnoses.

So, your ex left you. He didn't come back because he missed you. He came back because he got rejected by the other woman and you were still available. Don't take that bait. There are far better men out there.

StrawberryPie's picture

If one of your girlfriends was going through this and asked for your advice, what would you tell her?  Go take that advice that you would give her.