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Help! Constant Comparison

Sh413's picture

Hi everyone I'm hoping you all can share an insight on what we've been dealing. A little history my husband has a son from a past relationship. We live in another state and have since SS was 3 now 10. BM remarried early on and SS has called her new husband dad his entire life. The issue we are constantly dealing with is the comparing our lifestyle to theirs, we do well and because of this BM gets a nice CS check monthly. However it is never enough, she will find out of my husband bought a new motorcycle, if we go on vacation, if i have a new car anything. I can understand if CS was not taken care but it's paid and I don't feel it's our fault that we took different paths with our lives than they did. They have now had 3 kids not including SS In sure money is tight with both their carries but that's not our fault! Does this ever stop? 


Survivingstephell's picture

It stops when you stop giving and say no. BM have a little divorce remorse and the life she could of had?   

Next time she asks for something, suggest full custody because she can't provide for SS.    She keeps asking because it works or is looking to wear you down. Get comfortable seeing SS go without now, at 10.  Skids only get more expensive as the grow up.  If they haven't experienced disappointment as a kid they will struggle with it the rest of their lives. It's our job as parents to teach that lesson.  IMO. 

Sh413's picture

We don't give any extra, and I think that's what bothers her because she's tried.she assumes because we have it we should give it to her.  We went through court for all expenses to be considered when establishing CS. Maybe bitter with her own life makes her latch on to ours! 

ntm's picture

Wait until you hear that if ha hadn't had a child with you, he'd have more money for the skid. You'll hear it first in an email from her and a few days later you'll hear it out of skid's mouth. That's how it went down for us. 

hereiam's picture

Some people just always want more.

They made the choice to have 3 more kids and that comes with a financial cost. Not your problem. Not your husband's, either, and he shouldn't make it such. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

BM over here is greedy as hell. You could give her a million dollars and she would want a million and ONE. My DH never gave her a penny over CS.

Sh413's picture

That's why it feels like for sure! I shouldn't let it bother me I know since husband doesn't not play in to it but my goodness it does get under my skin. We are planning a baby soon and I know We will be hearing about it then! 

advice.only2's picture

Typical BM thinking they are owed all of a DHs paycheck for helping procreate with them.  We had custody of Spawn and Meth Mouth still acted like we owed her.  If we got anything new or went on a vacation she would try to drag us back to court for more custody.  In her pathetic mind she believed DH was still supposed to be her paycheck. 

CLove's picture

And mommas little money maker has 4 more years to produce that income stream!

Shes gotten almost 8k so far.

By the time Munchkin SD14 is 18 and graduated DH will have paid her over 26k.

Yet she STILL wants DH to "chip in" for a bass guitar that Munchkin wants

Survivingstephell's picture

My DH paid $186,000 over 13 years for child support and 3 years of ex support.  One kid still talks to him.  3 are PAS'd out.  

Kes's picture

Some people are just greedy and grasping and will always be so.  NPD BM has an attitude of "what's yours is mine, and what's mine's my own".  DH used to pay an obscene amount of CS that would never have been court ordered, and she and her daughters used to laugh at us because as a result, we had to live in a smallish house and could never afford foreign holidays. Now the boot is on the other foot, CS ended a few years ago, we have moved to a larger house in the country, and you can hear the howls of rage and envy all the way from NPD's house, now thankfully many many miles away!  

Enjoy your nice lifestyle and just ignore stupid, nasty, greedy BM.  She has no call on any extra money from your DH, he should not respond to any communications on this topic. 

Sh413's picture

He could care less what she has to say lol and hasn't  for a long time I should learn to disconnect like he does! I just assumed it would go away! Naive I know yet here we are! 
Ignore ignore ignore may seems to be key! 


tog redux's picture

This is where the term "Golden Uterus" comes from. She feels she is owed everything because she provided a child for your DH, something that most other women in the world could also have done for him.

Just ignore her. I would have DH explain the concept of Child Support to SS, in a neutral way, ie, "I send your mom money every month to help buy stuff for you," in case she's telling him that DH doesn't give her any.

Winterglow's picture

I was horrified at how many bms do this - I thought it was only my ex-SIL! Naive, eh? 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your SS may be comparing more because he's starting to figure out that there are real differences between his lifestyles with his parents. Now would probably be a good time for your DH to sit down with his son and ask why he's comparing and explain how child support and personal finances work (in an age appropriate way).

DH has had similar conversations with the boys, particulary OSS now that he is an adult about to launch. In our case, the comparisons were questions that the boys didn't know how to ask, or them noticing how thinga run differently between houses and have different outcomes. It's good to guide them through it so that they don't get BS responses like "well we'd live better if your Dad would just give us more money!" or some other BS line.

Sh413's picture

I think that is great advice as SS gets older and may be able to visit us and see a difference himself. Right now we mostly travel to their state to see him as she won't allow him to fly (understandble) so he doesn't see much of our day to day. 

tog redux's picture

10 is plenty old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor, they keep an eye on them.  I would guess BM won't feel he's old enough to fly until he's 18, or whenever Child Support ends.

Sh413's picture

We thought so also, but like I mentioned she had made her own " new" family and bio dad didn't really matter unless it's the money of course. The more  kids she has the more she resents us it seems. 

tog redux's picture

Well, your DH can go to court and get a long-distance schedule ordered. You don't have to play by BM's rules.